Dec. 17th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

There is a Tumblr called Out Of Context D&D Quotes


...can't... breathe... laughing... too hard...

DM: Well, the religion is long since dead and so are all the camels.
Cleric: I’m going to summon a celestial camel, that’ll show you.


Also, Eliwood, we love you and all, but you need an intervention. Your... preferences... have spiraled out of control.

Nov. 6th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Trollin')

Signs you are reading TV Tropes too late at night:


*You misread "Lensman Arms Race" as "Lesbian Arms Race"
*You are very disappointed when you scroll back up to check
*You wonder what that would look like

Also, this Markov-chain gibberish-generator produces some amusing results with Shutdown.

Richard explained that Asher gives up at her skin contact;
Oh, come on. Even I wouldn't say Anita is THAT repulsive. :P

I did we don’t know what to her, but I don’t know you to take a look empty.
Even Anita isn't sure what Shutdown was about.

I was too neutral as if they understand that story.
Anita is smugly confident that the readers don't know, either.

I was eight, and neither did force this was wearing.
Anita is unusually honest about her mental age.

“You abuse me, placing his whole life,” she said, and wouldn’t meet anyone’s eyes.
Ellen gives a very curt summary of the "e-special".

Bonus from a second reload:
It is submissive to blush at her.
Anita's neuroses about dominance reach a whole new level.


Oct. 7th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Carmilla's Advice Column, Bella-And-Edward Edition:


Dear Countess Mircalla,

Ugh! *stomps foot* My vampire boyfriend refuses to change me into one of your kind! It chagrins me like you wouldn't believe! Even his SISTER agrees this is stupid. Tell me how to talk some sense into him!

-Dazzled

Dear Dazzled,

Are you sure he's really that into you? All love is selfish; the more ardent, the more selfish. If his "love" takes the form of not wanting to be with you for eternity... have you considered that perhaps you're just a quick fling? Yes, sixty years may hardly seem "quick" to a mortal perspective, but to an immortal? It is a trifling span.

I advise having a long, intimate, languid discussion with his sister about it. She obviously cares more about keeping you with the family than he does. I am sure that, if you keep an open mind, you will find the situation taking a turn that is more pleasing to you.

-Countess Mircalla

Dear Countess Mircalla,

I am desperately resisting the urge to rip a girl's head off and bathe in her blood. My sister, a seer, says that she is foreordained to become part of our family and her best friend, however, so I am torturing myself by crawling into her bedroom every night and watching her sleep. I don't want her to become a soulless monster like us! Please, tell me what to do! I just met her a week ago, and a man can only take so much of this!

-Chagrined

Dear Chagrined,

...My, my, my, you have issues. You say you've only known her a week, and already you're creeping into her bedroom at night? ...And not doing anything? Honestly, Chagrined, did your maker not teach you about the bats and the mosquitoes? No wonder you're starving, if you don't even know how to feed properly.

To say nothing about how fast you're moving. Seer or not, you should at least get to know her before you start sneaking into her bedroom. Have long talks. Go on long walks. Languidly do each other's hair. ...Although I'm not sure whether a man and a woman do that very well, but I hear long hair on men is, as they say now, "all the rage these days".

But I also detect repressed rage in your note. Rip her head off? You were obviously never taught proper table manners, or you're so mentally distressed that you've wholly forgotten them. Sink your teeth into her breast. No, no, the vicinity of her breastbone. Honestly, you modern people are all like tittering children. And if you find even that overly unsavory - have you considered preying upon young men? They may be more to your taste.

Furthermore, I think that perhaps you ought to listen more closely to your sister's words, if she's truly the advocate of bringing the girl into your family. I, myself, have been best friends with a woman for several centuries - once I came back for her after spending most of my remaining family wealth to bribe my would-be executioners into faking my death and helping me move house. Yes, that was awkward... but enough of that time. I plan to be best friends with her for eternity. I was firmly resolved all along to become best friends with her. I can say that she had much the same feelings towards me, though she was in desperate denial. After all, one would only wish to hang the portrait of a friend she saw every day in her bedroom if she was her best friend, yes? And, as her best friend, I certainly never considered sneaking into her bedroom a torment.

My dear boy, if you can't detect the thrust of my interpretation of "best friends" from that paragraph, please read it aloud to another vampire.

And what is this nonsense about "soulless monsters"? I can assure you, my soul is as it ever was. Whether or not it is damned is a completely different matter. The educational system has terribly let down you commoners. You have such difficulties clearly articulating your thoughts. Or, as the children would say nowadays, |V|4|<3   53|\|53   VV|-|3|\|   U   5|*34|<,   |\|00|3!!!

In short, my advice is to seek therapy. A great deal of it. And, if any psychiatric drugs work on our kind, start ingesting them. All of them, you clearly need it.

-Countess Mircalla

Dear Countess Mircalla,

While you clearly don't understand the torment of my delicate, nuanced, and sensitive soul, I shall indeed take your advice about letting the girl and my sister interact as much as possible. I had no idea friendship was so important to women. It must be because you're the frailer sex, and more in thrall to all these petty emotions.

-Chagrined


Chagrined,

You're hopeless. Completely hopeless.

Any more letters to me will be sent back with incendiary devices attached.

-Countess Mircalla

, -- Prophecy Categories

Sep. 26th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Carmilla's Advice Column:


Dear Countess Mircalla,

I'm an otherwise unremarkable teenage girl, but recently, I've been having strange feelings towards a close friend. My heart beats faster around her, I feel a strange, tumultuous excitement when she touches me, and she is always in my thoughts, try as I might to do otherwise... and, for her part, she keeps casting these disturbing, alluring glances towards me, caressing my hand, and breathing hotly in my ear...

Clearly she's a vampire and it's all her damnable powers at work. How would you recommend repulsing her? Should I slather myself with garlic?

-Confused and Entranced


Dear Confused and Entranced,

While slathering yourself with garlic will no doubt have that effect (as it would upon most anyone), I think you would do better to visit the following URL:
www.itgetsbetter.org

-Countess Mircalla

, -- Prophecy Categories

Sep. 8th, 2013

guardians_song: Icon depiction of the sporker Richard. (Default)

In case you ever needed to know!


How To Write Popular YA Paranormal Literature AND Defile Your Spirit!
Blistering and hilarious.
, , -- Prophecy Categories

Aug. 10th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Have 15 TFLNs!


TFLN+ IV (Zephiel)
Not that many, admittedly, but a few are more experimental than usual... )

Aug. 3rd, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Live from Elibe, it's Fire Emblem Texts From Last Night!



TFLN+ III (Aenir)
+ 16 more! (I'm proudest of the final one, so keep reading down.) )

Jul. 31st, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

The Very Secret Tactician Diaries (PG-13, Humor/Parody)


Being the adventures of a bonkers and moderately-sociopathic tactician... )

 

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Jul. 17th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

*feeling immature*


Remember the old add-"in my pants"-to-the-end-of-any-sentence trick? Because I do. ...In my pants.
I'll think about programming it later (haven't done Codecademy in ages), but in the meantime...

Read more in our pants. )

Actually, I do have a program up now, so here you go. It's obviously lazy as heck, but it produces the results. :P


, -- Prophecy Categories

Jul. 16th, 2013

guardians_song: A Fire Dragon from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Fury)

One behavior that would be REALLY great never to see in SJW circles again:


Privileged Person: Look at me! Look at me! Look at meeeeee, merrily wallowing in utter lack of forethought, consideration for others, and -
Non-Privileged Person: hello, there is an important issue affecting me, and I would thank you to pull your head out of your posterior for a second and consider your own behavior.
Privileged Person: ...YOU'RE RIGHT! Look at me, look at me, look at meeee, I'm so privileged, so very, very privileged, and I am so sorely sorry for my sins, and I am privileged, and I am privileged, and have I mentioned that I'm privileged? Because I think the REALLY important thing is to talk about how privileged I am. And we privileged people must think about our privileged selves and talk about how privileged we are and privilege, privilege, privilege. Oh, may I think about doing this, as a privileged person? And -
Non-Privileged Person: Um. That's all very nice, but can we talk about me and my issues for a -
Privileged Person: Why, YES! Let's talk about how us PRIVILEGED people are keeping you all down, and how PRIVILEGED people silence talk about you and your issues, and how we enlightened privileged people are complicit in the misdeeds of the bullying, ignorant privileged people -
Non-Privileged Person: Do you have a genuine neurological defect? I'm not being ableist - I'm deadly serious.
Privileged Person: - and how, as such, I must REPENT for my PRIVILEGE and think over how SINFUL I am as a privileged person and what AWFUL things we privileged people did and -
Non-Privileged Person: Tell me, does your LITERAL inability to think about anyone other than yourself ever present impairments in social functioning?
Privileged Person: And oh, we PRIVILEGED people must think of the little people, and deconstruct our PRIVILEGE, and I am at all times conscious of my PRIVILEGE -
Non-Privileged Person: *quietly walks away*
-----Later-----
Non-Privileged Person: *clears throat* So, concerning recent events, I would like to say -
Privileged Person: *BARGES IN* OH, YES, WE EEEEVIL PRIVILEGED PEOPLE NEED TO REPENT, REPENT I SAY, FOR OUR EVIL, FOR WE HAVE RECENTLY -
Non-Privileged Person: For fuck's sake. I'm getting a restraining order.


I am so... fucking... sick of seeing white SJWers making incessant reference to how white they are or women who fetishize romantic tension between conventionally-attractive middle-class-or-higher white male characters acting excruciatingly self-righteous about being so enlightened as to NOTICE they fetishize romantic tension between conventionally-attractive middle-class-or-higher white male characters. For fuck's sake, stop turning every inequality issue asking people to concentrate on someone other than privileged people into an excuse for privileged people to dirty-talk to each other about how they're so awful and nasty and wrong and need to be ~punished~ - um, called out, that's the phrase..
Apologies [Grudging admission of wrongdoing] if this offended anyone. I've been guzzling caffeine today, and I get much more outspoken when I have that in my system.


, , -- Prophecy Categories

Jul. 7th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

In The Deceased Villain Lounge (Humor/Parody, PG-13)


Summary: A brief chat around a table in the villainous afterlife. Utterly silly and OOC.
Fandom: Fire Emblem
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Villains of the handheld FE games
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humor/Parody/Crack
Word Count: ~770
Disclaimer: Fire Emblem and all related characters belong to Nintendo and Intelligent Systems.

--

Zephiel aimed a glare at Nergal, who was repeating his words in a sing-song voice and adding ''and Daddy never loved me'' to the end of every clause, and shoved the tankard his way. )

 

Jul. 5th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Linked from Harp.


Mike Smith's Snarky Answers to the Leaky Cauldron Harry Potter Test.

So let's have some snarky answers of my own...
...Why are you looking at me like that? )
, , -- Prophecy Categories

Jun. 24th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Things The Avatar Is Not Allowed To Do (inspired by Brill's post):


Hooray for comedic sociopathy! )

, , -- Prophecy Categories

May. 31st, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Trollin&#39;)

Quick hit of FE Texts From Last Night, to prove Sarajayechan isn't the only one >_>


TFLN+ II (Athos)

And nine more! (!!!NSFW!!!) )
guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Trollin&#39;)

A Guide To Tumblrese:


I probably could have added more entries... )
-- Prophecy Categories

May. 26th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Trollin&#39;)

On a lighter note!


TFLN+ I (Wyvern)Live from California, it's Fire Emblem Texts From Last Night! (!!!NSFW!!!) )

May. 23rd, 2013

guardians_song: A sprite edit of Nils from Fire Emblem, looking shocked: CHRISTMAS EDITION (Nils)

As promised, a description of the Woobiefied Villain Personality.


Disclaimer: No, you are not a bad person if you've ever written this. You are not a bad person if you are still writing this. You are not a bad person if you are completely unrepentant. You are not a bad person if you start using this as a serious guide to producing such fics bi-weekly. (In the last case, I can only be in awe of your work ethic.) The snark is not about bashing you or your writing, it's about mocking the formula. And to spare everyone paragraphs of redundant disclaimer, I'll just emphasize that Your Manacles May Vex, Your Manuals May Vaporize, and Your Mambas May Vituperate. All right?

We now commence the description...


[...] This looks really bizarre when characters veer between weeping soulfully over their tragic backstories and manically laughing while reducing their enemies to bloody heaps of organ-donor material [...] )
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May. 13th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

You have 52 Worst Photoshop Mistakes In Magazines...

No, wait, that's this link. Ahem. I meant:

You have Civilization IV economics...
It turns into two cows...
The cows turn spherical...
And then they move to California.

That sound better? :P
, -- Prophecy Categories

May. 6th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Love Over Nine Thousand (parody, PG-13)


Fandom: I believe “Dragonbara Z” is the term?

Summary: Kakarot’s passed him up in every field before – but Vegeta won’t let him win this time!

Genre: “Romance”/Crack

Word Count: ~950

Author’s Note: Inspired by the commentary “Okay, so. Six chapters in and Goku realizes he’s in love with Vegeta. Considering I’ve seen stories where it takes all of two sentences, this is pretty impressive.” In other words – blame Brill for this.

 

--

 

 

''Vegeta, I brought you flow-'' ''I UPROOTED AN ENTIRE ROSE GARDEN AND PLANTED IT NEXT TO YOUR HOUSE!' )

 

, , -- Prophecy Categories

May. 1st, 2013

guardians_song: A sprite edit of Nils from Fire Emblem, looking shocked: CHRISTMAS EDITION (shock)

Making my way through the Blind Idiot Translation pages on TV Tropes.


Speaking of Germany in Final Fantasy VII, let's not forget that "Ahriman" was translated as "Allemagne", the French word for Germany.
In Spain, Ahriman was translated to Alemania, Spanish for Germany.

...


The sad thing is, the way EU politics are going these days, that's probably an accurate description of viewpoints...
-- Prophecy Categories

Apr. 14th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Parody Rec: "My Body is Ready Like Rambo" [50SOG parody]


The key to writing like E.L. James is to assume your audience members are goldfish. :P - the author

It's a slash parody of the 50SOG writing style with two of the Black/White Elite Four. What could go wrong?

"You just agreed to be my sub, and I don’t mean the sandwich."

Unless you clicked the wrong link and just wanted to go to Subway, that is.

Does your inner goddess approve?

Apr. 6th, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Creepypasta bingo!




The game's ponies do hate you now, you know. *ominous chords*
, -- Prophecy Categories

Apr. 1st, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

With all due respect to the Camp NaNoers...


[I am definitely not doing it this year - too many other things on my plate. If these predictions turns out to be accurate, I will pretend that I knew what I was doing from the start. :B]
My predictions for the hypothetical a_random_member
:

Day 1: Yay! Everything is fresh and early, and I've got so many ideas! This is awesome!
Day 7: Blergh... Well, even if the plotbunnies are taking a rest, I can at least pad it out. Onto the next week!
Day 8: I'm seriously considering quitting...
Day 10: I have nothing to worry about! I'm a bit behind, but I can make it up later!
Day 14: Real life forced me to slow down... but I'll make it up! I'll have 46K more words before I know it!
Day 18: Awshootawshootawshoot only twelve days left awshoot
Day 20: GAAAAH 10 DAYS AND 38K WORDS HELP
Day 21: I... just have to use discipline, yeah...
Day 23: Can I give up on this for this year? No? ...D:
Day 25: I'M CONVERTING TO CATHOLICISM
Day 25.5: ISLAM
Day 25.75: JUDAISM
Day 25.90: BUDDHISM
Day 25.99: ANY RELIGION THAT WORKS!!!
Day 25.999: BADFICCERISM!
Day 26: Ahahaha... aha... aha... don't mind me. Just panicking there. But I still have a bit of time left, and I've freed up all my obligations. Time to bear down.
Day 27: Three days, 25K words, and a hell of a lot of caffeine. I can do this. *knocks back coffee*
Day 27.5: Need... to concentrate... need... more coffee...
Day 27.9: I AM FLOATING THROUGH TIME AND SPACE; EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL; I LIKE SEMICOLONS; DON'T YOU? 8DDDDDDDD
Day 28: ...Well, 20K words left and two days. And I only wrote 30 sentences during the last twenty-four hour interval. Holy crud, those were some impressive run-ons. *starts slurping caffeinated drinks with two straws*
Day 28.2: SAN levels dropping. Have not slept in two days. Pictures on wall beginning to move in my peripheral vision. Must focus.
Day 28.6: Debating as to whether "destruction of the rules of logic and causality" are really legitimate excuses for plot holes.
Day 28.61: Disregard that, I'm not CLAMP.
Day 28.62: But these voices in my head say they are. Hmm.
Day 28.9: Sleep is overrated. It is the poison keeping me from becoming a sky goddess. *buries face in cooled coffee pot*
Day 29: The doorknob has revealed itself to me as my main character. I have thanked it for its inspiration and guidance. I could never have made it this far without you, doorknob.
Day 29.4: Sex sells, right? Even if it's doorknob/slipper sex?
Day 29.5: For that extra daring edge, I've added bondage with earbud cords and a threesome with a hot water bottle. How very Fifty Shades of Grey.
Day 29.8929201: Wait, I was supposed to be writing high fantasy with an esoteric philosophical edge? ****!
Day 0rf3.eee: I HAVE TRANSCENDED TIME AND SPACE. I DENY YOUR MORTAL CONCEPTIONS OF TIME. I - ****, I'm out of caffeine?!
Day ??????: Just... finished... barely... b... efore... midnight... Must... sleep...
Hi, guys! :D Sorry about that, just got out of bed. How exciting! I feel really accomplished! How long was I out? Just a few hours, I bet. Anyway! Sorry about that, it's time to get back to work...  - May 3rd
, -- Prophecy Categories

Mar. 23rd, 2013

guardians_song: A slightly edited posterized version of King Zephiel from Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken. (Amused)

Anita Blake in a nutshell:


"One can only imagine a little electronic 8-bit Anita moving along, attempting to get from, say, her house to a cab, only to feel that pull (called "The Ardeur"). The player would mutter "oh shit, not again" as the screen spins, and she's tossed into a random sex encounter with a werewolf and a goat. Upon finishing the encounter, she moves along as if nothing has happened and enters the cab. The 250 experience points gained from the encounter can be applied to increasing her "resist gag reflex" skill the next time she levels up."
- from this review of Incubus Dreams

Pity you can't metaquotes people from non-LJ-derived sites...

, -- Prophecy Categories

Mar. 17th, 2013

guardians_song: (celebration)

It's now up and running.


YA Paranormal Romance Blurb Generator

Come on, come all! Don't you want to see your brilliant Mad Libs abomination totally original plot? :)

Here's an example of a possible blurb:Come on, take a look! :D )
 


guardians_song: Icon depiction of the sporker Richard. (Default)
Guardian's Song

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