guardians_song: Icon depiction of the sporker Richard. (Default)
guardians_song ([personal profile] guardians_song) wrote2014-06-11 11:23 am

Hm. Buggerfuck.

I don't have the time for {LJ/DW AND fanfiction} AND {Nuzlocke Forums} AND {Tumblr}. Hell, I barely have enough time for ONE of the above and Real Life.

I don't get it. I had more time at the very beginning of the summer... :\ I don't understand it, though I suppose I should be glad I have more going on in Real Life. Still - it unnerves me to notice that I have to either go days without updating Tumblr or without updating Nuzlockes. And of course I've unfortunately made a joke of LJ/DW.

Heck, I haven't even had much Tumblr interaction except at night...

Oh well. I've people on Tumblr with whom I need to stay in contact, but aside from that I need to cut back. *sigh* I also updated a Nuzlocke, which gives me leeway. (Silver Randomlocke is two updates away from completion! :D) And...


Well, I've got to give more time to Real Life, since I've been trying to catch up on onine stuff. (Also I've had allergies and CA temperatures have been sapping my energy.) Plus, June's ticking away, and I need to think about origfic seriously if I want to make an attempt at July Camp NaNo. Not to mention that, speaking of giving myself leeway, I need to work on Real Life badly in order to free up a month for bullshit origfic. At least I like the characters, but I have pretty much no worldbuilding whatsoever. D| All I know is that they're in some vaguely Urban Fantasy BS world...
It's YA. Complete with nominal 'love triangle', but "Love Interest #2" is less a love interest and more a human-shaped nasty bastard who's tagging along solely because he's bored and the heroine seems interesting. And because he can gladly egg on her well-intentioned bad ideas because he's got the power to carry through on them, thus resulting in a mutually... beneficial relationship. Well, yes. As you can tell, it's not exactly my idea of romance.

I know, I know. Prioritizing is all part of being an adult. Still, it's... irksome. Particularly when I thought I'd have loads more time during the summer, my energy levels are not what they should be, and there's no productive reason why the summer should be so busy save for loads of Real Life stuff...

Still. Progress? *sigh* I'll have to fit in exercise and other such activities when I have the time, I guess... So much for focusing on that this summer...

(Let me be thankful. I have a spine - it's just that, in all my resolutions to get a spine, I never bothered to think about the wisdom to know what to do with it. That's what I'm working on now.
I have more than I ever dreamed when I started off this year. It's personal, so I can't really specify, but - things have gone well.
I have three interesting OCs and a tiny bit of worldbuilding to go with them so far. More, if I include the OCs paralleling two of them.
I have runs which are reasonably popular on the Nuzlocke Forums. Not notable, but - not totally boring, either. This is good.
I have something to do with math. The case is bitterly confusing, but - well, it's a job. It's my duty to work upon it.

Overall - I'm finally "getting a life", not least because I know there's a life waiting for me on the outside. I wish I'd gotten a life earlier, but I think that I frankly lacked the capacity before. It's hard to describe - I've both developed the capacity from the presence of motivation and been motivated as I discover and develop more capacity. I cannot say 'If only this was granted to me at Point X, I would have instantly been able to haul myself up and recover.' I always thought it would be that way, but - development is tiring. And lengthy. And full of setbacks - and thus painful. But... it seems to be taking place, to my surprise.

And I cannot say 'If only I'd had this capacity at Point Y, I would have instantly been able to grant myself everything that I needed'. Because the depression did stem from real-life causes - it wasn't solely a brain-rooted issue, though the brain chemistry did push me over into being extremely at the mercy of certain stimuli - and I would have been wrenched down into helpless depression if I'd been in the situation and only my capacity had changed. I needed to build certain connections and construct certain things. 'Useless' by society's standards, but - for what they meant to me, they were valuable in the long term.

Fine - perhaps I'm oversensitive and touchy. But it's working, so... perhaps I'll validate myself in the middle?

And continue onwards, so that it's a long, long, long ways from now (decades, heaven willing) until I make myself arrive at "in the end"?


My apologies for the incoherent, rambling post, but - I'm happier with my life now than I've been in some time. I'm tetchy, I'm indecisive, I'm harried, I'm procrastinating, I'm in the midst of deciding what to do next and re-prioritizing in light of obvious inability to meet all needs and desires at once, but -

I'm beginning to take control of my life, I think. It's hard, but dear sweet gad is it better than the alternative. It is, and every phrasing of which I can think at the present time would seem to understate that. It's... good to regain yourself. It's so good to regain yourself.

I may wish it occurred under more leisurely circumstances, but I wouldn't give it up for the world.
violent_cat: No, really (Default)

[personal profile] violent_cat 2014-06-11 11:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Wow, it's wonderful you're happier and "getting a life" =D
violent_cat: No, really (Default)

[personal profile] violent_cat 2014-06-12 10:26 am (UTC)(link)
This year is much better than the last one for me, so I'm happier too =D