THIS IS JUST GLORIOUS BATSHIT INSANITY

[guardians_song]

I AM SORRY FOR NOT CLARIFYING
THIS WAS IN THE NAVELFUCKING FIC I MENTIONED EARLIER



A SITE DEMANDING $4.00 PER MINUTE FOR VIDEOS OF MULDER GETTING SCREWED IN HIS NAVEL MADE OVER $50,000,000 IN FIVE DAYS

MULDER HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO QUADRUPLETS THROUGH HIS NAVEL, ONE OF WHICH WAS AN ALIEN

MULDER ENDS UP HAVING NINE BABIES THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THE STORY

DID I MENTION THAT MULDER HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF REGENERATING HIGHLANDER-THINGY THAT CAN RECOVER FROM BLOWING OFF HIS OWN HEAD, AND THAT'S WHY HE'S HAVING NAVELBABIES

AND HIS NAVELLUBE MAKES MEN UNCONTROLLABLY HORNY

AND I'VE SKIPPED OVER 75% OF THE STORY, SO I MAY BE MISSING EVEN MORE BATSHITTERY IN THOSE PARTS

DID I MENTION THAT THE PSYCHIC RUSSIAN TSAR (THEY BROUGHT BACK THE TITLE AND THE US DOESN'T EXIST ANY MORE AND ALL SORTS OF WEIRD SHIT) ALSO WANTS TO GET IN MULDER'S PANTS

I MEAN, NAVEL

THERE IS A CHART OF ALL THE KIDS

WHY IS THIS NOT BETTER KNOWN

AND MULDER'S SPERM IS SPECIAL SO HE HAS SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY TEST-TUBE DAUGHTERS APPARENTLY
COURTESY OF THE GOVERNMENT
SEE, ALMOST ALL THE WOMEN DIED FROM THE ALIEN NAVELBABY PLAGUE

EXCEPT SCULLY

BECAUSE SHE'S JUST AWESOME I GUESS

THERE ARE OTHER FEMALE SURVIVORS BUT THEY'RE NOT ONSCREEN

AND NOW THE EVIL ALIEN KING WANTS MULDER TO BEAR HUNDREDS OF CHILDREN

SOMEWHERE DAVID DUCHOVNY IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY AND SOBBING AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY
I MEAN, THAT'S JUST MY OPINION
I WANT TO CLARIFY
THE FIC DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE THAT IN IT
BECAUSE AT THIS POINT IT WOULDN'T LOOK TOO OUT OF PLACE

AND THE ALIENS HAVE KIDNAPPED ALL THE NAVELBABY DUDES

SO THEY CAN BEAR ALIEN NAVELBABIES

AND NOW MULDER'S ALIEN NAVELBABY HAS BROUGHT PEACE TO THE GALAXY

HOORAY

ALL IS WELL

THE FUCK DID I JUST READ

Comments

[lliira]

Oic.

Is it bad that I'm not at all surprised by this fic? I'm afraid that I may have reached that point of not being able to be surprised by any fanfic -- or even published fic -- any more, and that thought sort of unnerves me. Hm. Hopefully it is painkillers.

[guardians_song]

It may be that Anita Blake overexposure has burned you out. I mean, Anita's already got a metaphysical penis. Discovering special powers of fucking someone in their metaphysical navel wouldn't be at all out of place.

[lliira]

That could be partly it. Also I have been reading the archives of a Harry Potter community which talked about bad fics. Compared to the horrible ways various writers tortured and murdered Ginny and Ron and the "I have not yet begun to debauch!" everyone-rapes-Snape fic, bellybutton vagina seems almost charming.

[guardians_song]

In all fairness, I read those first, and so I'm used to the depths of depravity. Yes, everyone hates Ginny and Ron, yes, everyone thinks Snape is an easily-raped woobie, yes, everyone portrays the Slytherins as suffering sickeningly-racist/classist/etc. saints...

But bellybutton vagina? Now THAT'S something I've never seen before.

[lliira]

Honestly I think it's the painkillers.