guardians_song (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
guardians_song) wrote2013-10-07 01:24 pm
guardians_song) wrote2013-10-07 01:24 pm
Carmilla's Advice Column, Bella-And-Edward Edition:
Dear Countess Mircalla,
Ugh! *stomps foot* My vampire boyfriend refuses to change me into one of your kind! It chagrins me like you wouldn't believe! Even his SISTER agrees this is stupid. Tell me how to talk some sense into him!
-Dazzled
Dear Dazzled,
Are you sure he's really that into you? All love is selfish; the more ardent, the more selfish. If his "love" takes the form of not wanting to be with you for eternity... have you considered that perhaps you're just a quick fling? Yes, sixty years may hardly seem "quick" to a mortal perspective, but to an immortal? It is a trifling span.
I advise having a long, intimate, languid discussion with his sister about it. She obviously cares more about keeping you with the family than he does. I am sure that, if you keep an open mind, you will find the situation taking a turn that is more pleasing to you.
-Countess Mircalla
Dear Countess Mircalla,
I am desperately resisting the urge to rip a girl's head off and bathe in her blood. My sister, a seer, says that she is foreordained to become part of our family and her best friend, however, so I am torturing myself by crawling into her bedroom every night and watching her sleep. I don't want her to become a soulless monster like us! Please, tell me what to do! I just met her a week ago, and a man can only take so much of this!
-Chagrined
Dear Chagrined,
...My, my, my, you have issues. You say you've only known her a week, and already you're creeping into her bedroom at night? ...And not doing anything? Honestly, Chagrined, did your maker not teach you about the bats and the mosquitoes? No wonder you're starving, if you don't even know how to feed properly.
To say nothing about how fast you're moving. Seer or not, you should at least get to know her before you start sneaking into her bedroom. Have long talks. Go on long walks. Languidly do each other's hair. ...Although I'm not sure whether a man and a woman do that very well, but I hear long hair on men is, as they say now, "all the rage these days".
But I also detect repressed rage in your note. Rip her head off? You were obviously never taught proper table manners, or you're so mentally distressed that you've wholly forgotten them. Sink your teeth into her breast. No, no, the vicinity of her breastbone. Honestly, you modern people are all like tittering children. And if you find even that overly unsavory - have you considered preying upon young men? They may be more to your taste.
Furthermore, I think that perhaps you ought to listen more closely to your sister's words, if she's truly the advocate of bringing the girl into your family. I, myself, have been best friends with a woman for several centuries - once I came back for her after spending most of my remaining family wealth to bribe my would-be executioners into faking my death and helping me move house. Yes, that was awkward... but enough of that time. I plan to be best friends with her for eternity. I was firmly resolved all along to become best friends with her. I can say that she had much the same feelings towards me, though she was in desperate denial. After all, one would only wish to hang the portrait of a friend she saw every day in her bedroom if she was her best friend, yes? And, as her best friend, I certainly never considered sneaking into her bedroom a torment.
My dear boy, if you can't detect the thrust of my interpretation of "best friends" from that paragraph, please read it aloud to another vampire.
And what is this nonsense about "soulless monsters"? I can assure you, my soul is as it ever was. Whether or not it is damned is a completely different matter. The educational system has terribly let down you commoners. You have such difficulties clearly articulating your thoughts. Or, as the children would say nowadays, |V|4|<3 53|\|53 VV|-|3|\| U 5|*34|<, |\|00|3!!!
In short, my advice is to seek therapy. A great deal of it. And, if any psychiatric drugs work on our kind, start ingesting them. All of them, you clearly need it.
-Countess Mircalla
Dear Countess Mircalla,
While you clearly don't understand the torment of my delicate, nuanced, and sensitive soul, I shall indeed take your advice about letting the girl and my sister interact as much as possible. I had no idea friendship was so important to women. It must be because you're the frailer sex, and more in thrall to all these petty emotions.
-Chagrined
Chagrined,
You're hopeless. Completely hopeless.
Any more letters to me will be sent back with incendiary devices attached.
-Countess Mircalla
Ugh! *stomps foot* My vampire boyfriend refuses to change me into one of your kind! It chagrins me like you wouldn't believe! Even his SISTER agrees this is stupid. Tell me how to talk some sense into him!
-Dazzled
Dear Dazzled,
Are you sure he's really that into you? All love is selfish; the more ardent, the more selfish. If his "love" takes the form of not wanting to be with you for eternity... have you considered that perhaps you're just a quick fling? Yes, sixty years may hardly seem "quick" to a mortal perspective, but to an immortal? It is a trifling span.
I advise having a long, intimate, languid discussion with his sister about it. She obviously cares more about keeping you with the family than he does. I am sure that, if you keep an open mind, you will find the situation taking a turn that is more pleasing to you.
-Countess Mircalla
Dear Countess Mircalla,
I am desperately resisting the urge to rip a girl's head off and bathe in her blood. My sister, a seer, says that she is foreordained to become part of our family and her best friend, however, so I am torturing myself by crawling into her bedroom every night and watching her sleep. I don't want her to become a soulless monster like us! Please, tell me what to do! I just met her a week ago, and a man can only take so much of this!
-Chagrined
Dear Chagrined,
...My, my, my, you have issues. You say you've only known her a week, and already you're creeping into her bedroom at night? ...And not doing anything? Honestly, Chagrined, did your maker not teach you about the bats and the mosquitoes? No wonder you're starving, if you don't even know how to feed properly.
To say nothing about how fast you're moving. Seer or not, you should at least get to know her before you start sneaking into her bedroom. Have long talks. Go on long walks. Languidly do each other's hair. ...Although I'm not sure whether a man and a woman do that very well, but I hear long hair on men is, as they say now, "all the rage these days".
But I also detect repressed rage in your note. Rip her head off? You were obviously never taught proper table manners, or you're so mentally distressed that you've wholly forgotten them. Sink your teeth into her breast. No, no, the vicinity of her breastbone. Honestly, you modern people are all like tittering children. And if you find even that overly unsavory - have you considered preying upon young men? They may be more to your taste.
Furthermore, I think that perhaps you ought to listen more closely to your sister's words, if she's truly the advocate of bringing the girl into your family. I, myself, have been best friends with a woman for several centuries - once I came back for her after spending most of my remaining family wealth to bribe my would-be executioners into faking my death and helping me move house. Yes, that was awkward... but enough of that time. I plan to be best friends with her for eternity. I was firmly resolved all along to become best friends with her. I can say that she had much the same feelings towards me, though she was in desperate denial. After all, one would only wish to hang the portrait of a friend she saw every day in her bedroom if she was her best friend, yes? And, as her best friend, I certainly never considered sneaking into her bedroom a torment.
My dear boy, if you can't detect the thrust of my interpretation of "best friends" from that paragraph, please read it aloud to another vampire.
And what is this nonsense about "soulless monsters"? I can assure you, my soul is as it ever was. Whether or not it is damned is a completely different matter. The educational system has terribly let down you commoners. You have such difficulties clearly articulating your thoughts. Or, as the children would say nowadays, |V|4|<3 53|\|53 VV|-|3|\| U 5|*34|<, |\|00|3!!!
In short, my advice is to seek therapy. A great deal of it. And, if any psychiatric drugs work on our kind, start ingesting them. All of them, you clearly need it.
-Countess Mircalla
Dear Countess Mircalla,
While you clearly don't understand the torment of my delicate, nuanced, and sensitive soul, I shall indeed take your advice about letting the girl and my sister interact as much as possible. I had no idea friendship was so important to women. It must be because you're the frailer sex, and more in thrall to all these petty emotions.
-Chagrined
Chagrined,
You're hopeless. Completely hopeless.
Any more letters to me will be sent back with incendiary devices attached.
-Countess Mircalla