I s'pose part of why I close myself off to stimulus is that I'm afraid of being disappointed by LACK

[guardians_song]

...of stimulus.

So I deaden myself because... I'm resigned to the world already being deadened, and so I choose not to disappoint myself.

It's also because I just couldn't take negative stimulus when I was younger. I'm getting more of an actual tolerance as I get older, as opposed to just blocking it out or having my emotions shut down, so I no longer need the coping mechanisms to the same extent... but I do need to remember they're there in order to switch them off.

(Also, now that I actually know the difference between true tolerance for pain and a faked "tolerance"? I am doubly convinced that "taking things in stride" is:
A) a learned skill;
B) a skill taking a surprising amount of time and directed effort to learn;
C) a skill that cannot be learned while one is in acute pain;
D) a skill that must derive from one's inner values and one's personal goals, motivations, and efforts;
E) not something one can spontaneously acquire just because a sanctimonious authority figure is lecturing one about it while one is sobbing one's guts out.
Not that I would know anything about E, now would I?
I'm sorry if I've gotten annoyingly petty about certain issues recently, and I know I have [on Tumblr, at least], but my self-righteousness increases as my amount of spine increases. Sorry, still not sure how to moderate that, guardians_song.exe is still in the debugging process.

To TL;DR the reason behind this proportionate increase in self-righteousness, I believe certain kinds of ignorance are malicious. Viewed objectively, I cannot forgive unrepentant, proud malice. And the more spine I get, the less I make excuses for myself and others.

I can be less tetchy about it, but I think that probably won't happen until I get through the first round of venting - at which point my discomfort with outright redundancy and going around in circles will take over. That may take a while. Sorry for being pissy in the meantime, guys. D:)

Anyway - yippee, it's a magical world out there, Hobbes, let's go exploring. Just need to figure out the correct way in which to phrase it.

And to figure out how I'll get my brain to shut off at night so I don't start up my computer because I can't sleep for hours on end after midnight. :P D| Well, that's how life goes...

(No, it's not electronic lighting. I have the occasional so-tired-but-can't-sleep fit even in the absence of electronics. Probable bad brain wiring. Just have to learn to circumvent it.)

Comments

[guardians_song]

Thing is, she would probably be pretty into social justice herself. She just wouldn't see the conflict between her actual views and her ~excuse the photogenic woobies for everything because they're not privileged~ stanning. On the bright side, she would only post violent, graphic death threats to fictional characters, so she'd be a quite moderate SJW. :P

SHE WOULD TOTALLY SAY "ooh, this gives me ideas for my next TR fic ^_^" OVER EVERY SINGLE FOOD PORN POST. SHE'D MEAN IT, TOO.

And oh, HEADCANONS. She would be ALL OVER that concept. And she would be CONSTANTLY posting on her TR headcanons. She'd probably devote an entire Tumblr to them. Which is not bad in and of itself, but she WAS the sort of fan who'd pitch a fit if canon contradicted her fanon. And on Tumblr, she'd get a LOT of "of course canon sucks, your stuff is so much better!!!" support, and... Oi. I'm glad for both Cori's sake and the fandom that she was pre-Tumblr. The fanwars would be seen from spaaace. D|

[sarajayechan]

She'd be a very strange type of SJW. XD

Yep. It doesn't help that one of the food blogs I follow posts a lot of sushi and sweets and breakfast food...including French Toast now and then.

Oh God, I can imagine her spamming up the Team Rocket tags with her headcanons. And she would definitely approve of the Ash-mocking that's gone on re: Ash being fooled by TR's disguises, not evolving his Oshawott and any other ~sin~ he committed by not being too bright. She would reblog them at least once a week. And all the "Team Rocket gives me feeeeeels" photosets and having her posse of Shigeru1313/Hot Lips/etc giving her asspats and making huge cuddlepiles over the slightest thing.

Yeah, it's a good thing she was pre-Tumblr. A VERY good thing.

[guardians_song]

XP

You would probably be able to match the posts to the fics just by the descriptions. Oh gad, with unlimited storage space, she'd probably be one of those authors who include links to actual photos of the desired outfits in her profile. Or, on AO3, directly embedded in the story.

Actually, perhaps she'd tell entire stories consisting of food porn pics, Stabbing Westward album covers, and carefully arranged GIFs from the anime. :X That... would be kind of awesome, actually. Well, let it not be said that I never praised Cori's dedication.

Oogh, yes. A BNF's inner circle tends not to be a pretty thing to behold. :\ At least Cori genuinely had issues and wasn't faking/dramatizing her problems. That's part of the reason I say I'm glad for HER sake she was pre-Tumblr - she could have gotten badly hurt if a Tumblr-level situation blew up in her face. :\

But dear gad, the wanky meta. Because she wouldn't just write wanky meta- she always expressed it through interpretive dance - er, fic. So she'd totally claim that Jessie and James ~in her headcanon~ totally felt this way, and oogh it'd be a mess.

[sarajayechan]

OH GOD. If she actually did that, that would be at least creative and original and possibly less unfortunate implications. Unless she added pictures of abuse apologism or Twilight too...

Yeah, true. She wasn't well in the head and as much as other fans would've suffered her fanwank on Tumblr, she'd have been at risk for major meltdowns and explosions.

Yeeep. D: Take parts of the FE fandom wankery combined with HP wank and Bleach wank and...oh boy.