guardians_song (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
guardians_song) wrote2013-06-16 05:51 pm
guardians_song) wrote2013-06-16 05:51 pm
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Strongly peeved at a current ~HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP~ cliche.
Yes, independence in a relationship is good. But it's not the be-all and end-all of healthiness. It's really not fucking hellspawn for people to feel some emotional dependence towards their significant others or friends. It doesn't mean the relationships are doomed to fail. It doesn't mean they're insane creeps who are going to start stalking people. It doesn't mean that they're victims of the Harlequinarchy. Some people just have greater tendencies towards dependence and attachment. Yes, they should control those tendencies to keep them from being harmful, just as people with bad tempers should guard against taking their anger out on others, people with classical addictive traits should stay away from harmful drugs, and people with poor empathy should cultivate strong morals to make up for the emotional safeguards they lack. But it doesn't mean they should be scorned as "unhealthy" and "incapable of real love".
(Whatever "real" love is defined as today, that is. We'll completely ignore that in some cultures "real" love has been defined as platonic love, in others as unconditional love, in yet others as full-out obsession, and so on and so forth. We'll also completely ignore historical debates as to the nature of "real" love. No, clearly "real" love is something that can be perfectly defined in a paragraph or two. Because Aren't We Modern People Ever-So-Smart.)
Similarly, STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW ARGUMENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP ARE A GOOD THING. Yes, if relationships don't have arguments because at least one member is afraid to speak up, that's unhealthy. If they don't have arguments because they don't discuss the terms and conditions, that's unhealthy. If they don't have arguments because they don't talk to each other, that's unhealthy.
But arguments don't automatically make a relationship superior to one that doen't. No, it's not a fucking sign of love. You know, you'd think people could make the connection that " 'He beats me because he loves me' is wrong " + "Emotional abuse can deal as much damage as physical abuse" = " 'He screams at me because he loves me' is also wrong". And, taking the mutual application of that phrase, " 'They scream at each other because they love each other' is still wrong."
I mean, look at Twilight! Edward and Bella do have arguments - all the time! Over vampirism, over sex, over staying together... And we all know what a happy relationship that is! (Sure, Bella always wins in the end. But they have the arguments, and so it must be ~healthy~!)
Look. I do believe reasoned, rational discussions of issues are great for friendships, for family relationships, and for romantic connections. But glorifying arguments without any other qualifiers reeks of glorifying emotionally abusive and/or dysfunctional relationships, because lemme tell you, those have a LOT of arguments. "Incapable of speaking to each other for ten minutes about any important subject without flying into mutual screaming rages" quantities of arguments. And why, why, WHY in the world would you WANT those?!
My apologies for the rant. But the snark communities are getting dogmas as rigid as those of the badfics they mock, and I cannot stand that. (And yes, that would be why this isn't crossposted to LJ...)
(Whatever "real" love is defined as today, that is. We'll completely ignore that in some cultures "real" love has been defined as platonic love, in others as unconditional love, in yet others as full-out obsession, and so on and so forth. We'll also completely ignore historical debates as to the nature of "real" love. No, clearly "real" love is something that can be perfectly defined in a paragraph or two. Because Aren't We Modern People Ever-So-Smart.)
Similarly, STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW ARGUMENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP ARE A GOOD THING. Yes, if relationships don't have arguments because at least one member is afraid to speak up, that's unhealthy. If they don't have arguments because they don't discuss the terms and conditions, that's unhealthy. If they don't have arguments because they don't talk to each other, that's unhealthy.
But arguments don't automatically make a relationship superior to one that doen't. No, it's not a fucking sign of love. You know, you'd think people could make the connection that " 'He beats me because he loves me' is wrong " + "Emotional abuse can deal as much damage as physical abuse" = " 'He screams at me because he loves me' is also wrong". And, taking the mutual application of that phrase, " 'They scream at each other because they love each other' is still wrong."
I mean, look at Twilight! Edward and Bella do have arguments - all the time! Over vampirism, over sex, over staying together... And we all know what a happy relationship that is! (Sure, Bella always wins in the end. But they have the arguments, and so it must be ~healthy~!)
Look. I do believe reasoned, rational discussions of issues are great for friendships, for family relationships, and for romantic connections. But glorifying arguments without any other qualifiers reeks of glorifying emotionally abusive and/or dysfunctional relationships, because lemme tell you, those have a LOT of arguments. "Incapable of speaking to each other for ten minutes about any important subject without flying into mutual screaming rages" quantities of arguments. And why, why, WHY in the world would you WANT those?!
My apologies for the rant. But the snark communities are getting dogmas as rigid as those of the badfics they mock, and I cannot stand that. (And yes, that would be why this isn't crossposted to LJ...)
no subject
Similarly, STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW ARGUMENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP ARE A GOOD THING.
Dear god, thank you. I hate it when people say arguments add more ~*~realism~*~ to a relationship. My boyfriend and I very rarely argue, and I consider that a good thing. Guess our relationship isn't "healthy" enough. :/
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Heh, glad you like the term. ;)
Well, if you believe the memetic dogma going around these days... D|
I would consider it a good thing, too! I hope to have a relationship like that. :)
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STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW ARGUMENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP ARE A GOOD THING.
YES. THIS. I have friends I've argued with plenty of times. I also have friends I seldom if ever argue with. Some people just do not argue with each other. At all. And it has nothing to do with hiding things or repressing or whatnot, it just means sometimes, two people simply have no reasons or need to argue with each other. The. End.
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"I hate the idea that if one person in a relationship is a little insecure and not super strong, the relationship is fucked up and unhealthy. "
Oi, yes - and let me guess, you've had to deal with that in arguments with militant shippers? D:
"(I also hate the idea that you MUST be 100% super secure and self-loving with no emotional hangups in order to be able to have a relationship. At all. If that were made a law no one would ever date or get married because there are TONS of people with issues out there.)"
*rapid nodding* YES. And part of why it's awful is that it puts additional strain on people who have insecurities or similar issues - not only do they WORRY that nobody will ever love them, but they're being told that they have no RIGHT to love anyone/be loved by them! And this is supposed to be an enlightened and empathic idea?!
"YES. THIS. I have friends I've argued with plenty of times. I also have friends I seldom if ever argue with. Some people just do not argue with each other. At all. And it has nothing to do with hiding things or repressing or whatnot, it just means sometimes, two people simply have no reasons or need to argue with each other. The. End."
*double thumbs-up* Describes it exactly. Sometimes you just don't conflict with a person! Sometimes you do! Neither relationship is better! Why is this so hard to grasp...?
I'm glad you liked this post! :D
no subject
*rapid nodding* YES. And part of why it's awful is that it puts additional strain on people who have insecurities or similar issues - not only do they WORRY that nobody will ever love them, but they're being told that they have no RIGHT to love anyone/be loved by them! And this is supposed to be an enlightened and empathic idea?!
Way to totally make those people's fears a reality, assholes. *drops platypus on their heads*
Because people are dumb and think everything has to be a certain way. D:
*adds to memories*
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Urgh. FE7 really has a spectacular amount of shipwank, doesn't it.
Exactly. *all hail the platypus!*
Oi - and it's so PAINFULLY ironic when they're objecting to stories that make everything a certain way. 'No, love where everyone's a stalker and all part of a hivemind is bad! Love where everyone argues and nobody feels too strongly about each other is the only way!' *HEADDESK*
WOW! Thank you! :D
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Yep. D: But of course it can go too far the other way. See: Cori Falls.
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Cori... deeeeefinitely goes too far the other way. No denying that.
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Arguments and discussions, same thing. As long as there is RESPECTFUL communication going on (yes, you can argue and disagree with someone but still respect them), I don't see why having arguments or lack thereof defines whether a relationship is good or bad. Absolutely, if all you're having is arguments, that's not good. But not arguing at all isn't a bad thing. I don't think my ex and I ever truly argued. We had a few disagreements but we sorted them out without arguing.