guardians_song (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
guardians_song) wrote2013-09-18 11:09 am
guardians_song) wrote2013-09-18 11:09 am
Entry tags:
Ten Twilight Femmeslash Drabbles (PG-13, Parody/Crack/Romance, Bella/Many)
Summary: Bella really gets around.
Fandom: Twilight
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Bella/(Why don't you find out?)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Parody/Crack/Romance
Word Count: 100 each, x10
Disclaimer: I think we all know Meyer owns Twilight and all related characters, and that absolutely no one listens to her.
Edward sat up from his sprawl across the empty parking-space, massaging his crushed nose back into shape; through a thin, watery veil of venom, he saw people rushing to Bella’s aid, and heard Alice’s sweet words of concern.
An instant later, he saw in Alice’s mind that his rescuing Bella would have led, in a chain reaction, to his lying beside her in a meadow, speaking words of love.
Now someone else lay beside Bella in that future meadow.
He sighed, shutting his eyes. He’d give Jasper appropriate condolences.
…Come to think of it, his Confederate “brother” wasn’t that bad-looking…
“Alice, is there something you want to tell me?”
The pixie-like vampire flashed a grin at her as she pulled another get-up from her stack of clothes. “What are you talking about, Bella?”
“Do you really need me to try on all these… outfits… for Edward? You know – we’ll have laundry. I can wear them more than once.”
“Of course I do,” Alice insisted blithely, holding up yet another string bikini. “Bella, don’t be shy, you look love-”
“Rephrase. Do you really need me to try on all these outfits for Edward?”
A pause. “No, I… don’t. I really don’t.”
“I… would advise you against meeting Tanya,” Edward murmured softly. “She would… introduce you to gross immorality.”
Bella, captivated by Edward’s archaic way of speaking, draped her arms around his neck. “Don’t be silly, Edward. How bad could it be?”
***
“This is what I meant by ‘gross immorality’!” Edward spat, pointing upstairs. To the Cullens’ sensitive vampire hearing, the moans were all quite audible. And the squeals. And the flesh-against-marble…
“I hate to tell you, Edward, but I think she always swung that way,” muttered Alice.
“Better luck next time, bro,” Emmett said cheerily, smacking an arm around his shoulders.
The bright side, dear readers, is that my beloved wife is not a lesbian in THIS drabble. Your… modern alternative lifestyles… shall NOT endanger our true love!
On the other hand, Esme and Rosalie ran off together, and now Emmett wants to strangle me for my “fucking awful vibes, man”.
And Alice and Renee have set up a nice New Age shop in San Francisco together.
And that “Jessica” girl from Bella’s school… She and Emily, they’ve…
…Tell me, dear readers. Is there ACTUALLY such a thing as “conservation of lesbianism”, or is that just some nonsense Angela Weber-Clearwater invented?
An ice-cold, stone-like hand clamped over her mouth just before she could scream. “Hello there,” the short, thin stranger chirped, her face glinting in the moonlight. “I’ve foreseen that we’ll be great… friends… you see, so let’s skip all the silly preliminaries and get down to business.” Bella stared at her, eyes wide. “So, tell me! Have you done this before, or is this your first time?”
Bella’s eyes felt the size of saucers. I have GOT to stop reading Carmilla just before bed. I have GOT to stop reading Carmilla just before bed. I have GOT to stop reading…
“Dad, I’m sorry. The reason I haven’t been able to tell you about my significant other is-”
“He’s a vampire.” Charlie nodded, face buried in his book. “That’s all right, Bella. Always knew you were a very special girl.”
“What? No! That’s – I mean, that’s not what I’m telling you at-”
“A werewolf?” He flipped the page. “That’s fine, I like them too-”
“Dad, there’s no such thing as werewolves and vampires!” Dear heavens, all that paranormal-romance had rotted his brain!
He finally looked up, frowning. “Then what? An alien?”
Coming out was really not going the way she’d envisioned…
“And who’s this friend, Carlisle?” Bella asked, her red eyes flashing as she took in the newcomer.
“That would be… um… Amillarc,” Carlisle said, obviously suppressing an urge to roll his eyes for whatever reason. “She’s a bit… eccentric, don’t mind her. And with her is-”
“My name is Laura, and I’m not gay,” her blonde companion hissed, seizing Bella by the front of her shirt. “You hear me? Straight, straight, completely straight! Our relationship is platonic friendship! Platonic! Very, very intimate… but not gay! I’m s-”
“-ertainly a tad neurotic, but it’s adorable,” said Amillarc languidly. “Come along, dearest.”
Jessica Stanley, contrary to all reports, wasn’t stupid.
Scheming, yes. Selfish, yes. Gossipy, yes – and proud of it.
But she wasn’t blind – she could see how listless and spineless Bella was around Edward Cullen. Gawd, it almost made her glad she’d never had a chance at Hot-And-Creepy. (Almost.)
And she could see that Angela friendly-liked Ben, but not liked-liked Ben – and accepted him mostly to shut her parents up.
And she could see that Bella actually loosened up a bit around Angela. Smiled. Laughed. …Flushed. And so did Angela.
So, when Edward dropped out of the picture?
Operation Matchmaker commenced.
“Love. Life. Meaning. Over.”
Jessica examined her nails and resisted the urge to strangle something as Bella continued on in a monotone. “Gawd,” she said when she could take no more. “Bella? He was hot, but that’s no reason to be this broken up over him. It’s been months. Months.”
“But Edward was perfect,” Bella groaned. “Without him, nobody will ever love me.”
And something in Jessica snapped.
“You know something?” she said, grabbing Bella by the hand and yanking her behind a tree. “You totally, seriously, and absolutely need to learn to see what’s right in front of you-”
Dear Edward Cullen,
I’ve gotten my revenge. You took my mate from me, and now I’ve taken your mate from you.
No, she’s not dead. But she is very happy, apologetic that she was still struggling with her sexual orientation when she was with you, and one of those teeerrible, soulless monsters you so despise. We’re having an absolutely lovely time in Europe at present, and thinking of visiting Australia next. Have you ever had kangaroo?
What a pity you’re sulking in a cave somewhere. Have you considered Midol? Works wonders, I hear.
So long, sucker!
Yours smugly,
Victoria Swan
Fandom: Twilight
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Bella/(Why don't you find out?)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Parody/Crack/Romance
Word Count: 100 each, x10
Disclaimer: I think we all know Meyer owns Twilight and all related characters, and that absolutely no one listens to her.
Edward sat up from his sprawl across the empty parking-space, massaging his crushed nose back into shape; through a thin, watery veil of venom, he saw people rushing to Bella’s aid, and heard Alice’s sweet words of concern.
An instant later, he saw in Alice’s mind that his rescuing Bella would have led, in a chain reaction, to his lying beside her in a meadow, speaking words of love.
Now someone else lay beside Bella in that future meadow.
He sighed, shutting his eyes. He’d give Jasper appropriate condolences.
…Come to think of it, his Confederate “brother” wasn’t that bad-looking…
“Alice, is there something you want to tell me?”
The pixie-like vampire flashed a grin at her as she pulled another get-up from her stack of clothes. “What are you talking about, Bella?”
“Do you really need me to try on all these… outfits… for Edward? You know – we’ll have laundry. I can wear them more than once.”
“Of course I do,” Alice insisted blithely, holding up yet another string bikini. “Bella, don’t be shy, you look love-”
“Rephrase. Do you really need me to try on all these outfits for Edward?”
A pause. “No, I… don’t. I really don’t.”
“I… would advise you against meeting Tanya,” Edward murmured softly. “She would… introduce you to gross immorality.”
Bella, captivated by Edward’s archaic way of speaking, draped her arms around his neck. “Don’t be silly, Edward. How bad could it be?”
“This is what I meant by ‘gross immorality’!” Edward spat, pointing upstairs. To the Cullens’ sensitive vampire hearing, the moans were all quite audible. And the squeals. And the flesh-against-marble…
“I hate to tell you, Edward, but I think she always swung that way,” muttered Alice.
“Better luck next time, bro,” Emmett said cheerily, smacking an arm around his shoulders.
The bright side, dear readers, is that my beloved wife is not a lesbian in THIS drabble. Your… modern alternative lifestyles… shall NOT endanger our true love!
On the other hand, Esme and Rosalie ran off together, and now Emmett wants to strangle me for my “fucking awful vibes, man”.
And Alice and Renee have set up a nice New Age shop in San Francisco together.
And that “Jessica” girl from Bella’s school… She and Emily, they’ve…
…Tell me, dear readers. Is there ACTUALLY such a thing as “conservation of lesbianism”, or is that just some nonsense Angela Weber-Clearwater invented?
An ice-cold, stone-like hand clamped over her mouth just before she could scream. “Hello there,” the short, thin stranger chirped, her face glinting in the moonlight. “I’ve foreseen that we’ll be great… friends… you see, so let’s skip all the silly preliminaries and get down to business.” Bella stared at her, eyes wide. “So, tell me! Have you done this before, or is this your first time?”
Bella’s eyes felt the size of saucers. I have GOT to stop reading Carmilla just before bed. I have GOT to stop reading Carmilla just before bed. I have GOT to stop reading…
“Dad, I’m sorry. The reason I haven’t been able to tell you about my significant other is-”
“He’s a vampire.” Charlie nodded, face buried in his book. “That’s all right, Bella. Always knew you were a very special girl.”
“What? No! That’s – I mean, that’s not what I’m telling you at-”
“A werewolf?” He flipped the page. “That’s fine, I like them too-”
“Dad, there’s no such thing as werewolves and vampires!” Dear heavens, all that paranormal-romance had rotted his brain!
He finally looked up, frowning. “Then what? An alien?”
Coming out was really not going the way she’d envisioned…
“And who’s this friend, Carlisle?” Bella asked, her red eyes flashing as she took in the newcomer.
“That would be… um… Amillarc,” Carlisle said, obviously suppressing an urge to roll his eyes for whatever reason. “She’s a bit… eccentric, don’t mind her. And with her is-”
“My name is Laura, and I’m not gay,” her blonde companion hissed, seizing Bella by the front of her shirt. “You hear me? Straight, straight, completely straight! Our relationship is platonic friendship! Platonic! Very, very intimate… but not gay! I’m s-”
“-ertainly a tad neurotic, but it’s adorable,” said Amillarc languidly. “Come along, dearest.”
Jessica Stanley, contrary to all reports, wasn’t stupid.
Scheming, yes. Selfish, yes. Gossipy, yes – and proud of it.
But she wasn’t blind – she could see how listless and spineless Bella was around Edward Cullen. Gawd, it almost made her glad she’d never had a chance at Hot-And-Creepy. (Almost.)
And she could see that Angela friendly-liked Ben, but not liked-liked Ben – and accepted him mostly to shut her parents up.
And she could see that Bella actually loosened up a bit around Angela. Smiled. Laughed. …Flushed. And so did Angela.
So, when Edward dropped out of the picture?
Operation Matchmaker commenced.
“Love. Life. Meaning. Over.”
Jessica examined her nails and resisted the urge to strangle something as Bella continued on in a monotone. “Gawd,” she said when she could take no more. “Bella? He was hot, but that’s no reason to be this broken up over him. It’s been months. Months.”
“But Edward was perfect,” Bella groaned. “Without him, nobody will ever love me.”
And something in Jessica snapped.
“You know something?” she said, grabbing Bella by the hand and yanking her behind a tree. “You totally, seriously, and absolutely need to learn to see what’s right in front of you-”
Dear Edward Cullen,
I’ve gotten my revenge. You took my mate from me, and now I’ve taken your mate from you.
No, she’s not dead. But she is very happy, apologetic that she was still struggling with her sexual orientation when she was with you, and one of those teeerrible, soulless monsters you so despise. We’re having an absolutely lovely time in Europe at present, and thinking of visiting Australia next. Have you ever had kangaroo?
What a pity you’re sulking in a cave somewhere. Have you considered Midol? Works wonders, I hear.
So long, sucker!
Yours smugly,
Victoria Swan