Climb to the Shrine, Right What Is Wrong

(Link)

A Twilight crackfic that says everything that needs to be said about Edward/Bella. I can't stop laughing.

*laughing my head off* It is like Babelfish gone horribly wrong. I think I read something about catching Bella's rear end with her hair.

...Oh, that was "hidden behind an easel", according to Google Translate. See, that is all you need to know about my French vocabulary.

There is also a lot of face-touching, so Twilight is really the same in every language.

This is really quite educational, but oh dear. Now I'm feeling very sympathetic towards people who don't have English as their first language. :D;;

(Seriously, it... does take a lot of mental energy. The clearest sentence I can make out with my minimal knowledge is "Ah," responded simply the vampire. That, and -

Summary: Alice paints Bella. Bella is not with Edward and Alice is not with Jasper.
NDA 1: Nothing is mine about the characters of Twilight... What a pity about Alice. ^_^
NDA 2: To my beautiful lover who seduced me by not drawing me (???). This is for you.)

I mean, WITHOUT looking at Google Translate, I look at the following sentence and see:
Le premier jour, Alice avait été frappée par l'odeur de Bella.
The first day, Alice was being a frappé for the odor of Bella.
Google says... The first day, Alice was struck by Bella's scent.
That's it, I REALLY need to work on my French vocabulary.

( General thought. )

( As seen in ''Twilight''. )

Summary: Bella really gets around.
Fandom: Twilight
Character(s) or Pairing(s): Bella/(Why don't you find out?)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Parody/Crack/Romance
Word Count: 100 each, x10
Disclaimer: I think we all know Meyer owns Twilight and all related characters, and that absolutely no one listens to her.

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( Phenomenon )

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( Outfits )

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( Immorality )

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( Conservation of... )

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( I Have Seen Your Future... Your Future Is Gay. )

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( Confession )

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( Cameo )

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( Observation )

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( Oblivious )

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( ''Revenge'' )

Happens loads and loads of times in Fan Fiction, where, because Most Fanfic Writers Are Girls, the usual genders are most frequently seen flipped, with the female getting double-teamed by the two hot male characters the fic writer can't choose between.
Dear TV Tropes: consider that OT3s are sometimes not a matter of "can't choose", but rather CHOOSES BOTH.
No love,
Guardian's Song
(And yaaaaaay, totally handwaving every fic where it's two OR MORE girls and a guy! I totally imagined all those Harem Fics on FF.net, guys!)

My apologies, but I've shifted over the years from automatically mocking the "fanbrats" to regarding the more "enlightened" fans with as much suspicion as their simpler counterparts. There's an awful damn lot of talking down to female fans when male fans are let off with a smile and a wink, for one.
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I also note sullenly that the Rooting For The Empire page looks an awful lot like the Draco In Leather Pants page from the other side of the strawman. Take that as you will.
Though it does have at least one wonderful quote.
"[...] Twilight features the three tracker vampires who are trying to kill Bella, which is seen by some as a sympathetic aim. "

And this linked page (http://flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/theories/arag_arw.htm) has one very amusing quote:
"How would you react if the descendent of Charlemagne showed up in Paris today to claim kingship over France, bringing in the shroud of Turin as the evidence?"

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TL;DR - TV Tropes is at its best when people aren't opining on things, since it's not exactly objective, despite all pretenses. Fortunately, I was mainly on TV Tropes to read through the Yandere page... :D Wish there were more examples of two-way yanderes, but I suppose one has to do that oneself.

( Discussion of Bella and Edward, Fail!Yanderes (and briefly Alice, a not-so-fail!yandere...) )

No, it wasn't just the Team Jacob members that were aghast!
(DISCLAIMER: Many reactions were positive. I culled the humorous/horrified/highly-critical ones. As such, analysis of actual reactions would require visiting the links given.)
( ''I can't justify another attempt to go through this abysmally bad and misogynist book and make some sense of it.'' )

TL:DR: Congratulations, Meyer - how did you tick even your most devoted fans off?

Disclaimer: These are all compiled from this entry on the official Jacob/Bella comm, so that's why so many are fans of Jacob.

In case you wonder what Mervin means by the fans being enraged by Breaking Dawn, this is it.

(  As you can see, I've resorted to swearing in Hokkien because English swear words sound too polite. )

Choose ten characters from a fandom, then answer the questions.

Twilight

1. Bella Swan
2. Edward Cullen
3. Aro
4. Carlisle Cullen
5. Jacob Black
6. Leah Clearwater
7. Alice Cullen
8. Emmett Cullen
9. Victoria
10. Mike Newton

( She'd give Sam the finger, give Quil a wedgie hard enough to damage his ''imprinting'', and wolfsplode off into the sunset, leaving a trail of sparkle-blooded destruction in her wake. )

Yanked from gehayi.
Post the first lines of your last 21 fics.

Note that these may not actually be the last 21 fics I've WRITTEN, just the last 19 posted on my AO3, one posted elsewhere, and another currently unposted.

( Cut for gore in #7. It was relevant to the fic, really. )

 ...the stereotypical answer would be that she'd be a fervent Edward/Bella shipper. But this is selling Cori short. She did have a strong moral compass, though it was a completely bonkers one, and she had a pathological hatred for inconsiderate, arrogant, and/or self-centered people. That she ended up making Team Rocket precisely that was... probably a sign that something had gone haywire upstairs. But when she wasn't going batshit insane over her hatred for Ash, she was fairly consistent.

Where am I going with this? I'm pointing out that Cori was a militant friendshipper - oh, and while I'm at it, she had an utter infatuation with mystic spiritual powers and the idea of soulmates.

That's right. She'd be a Bella/Jacob BNF.

And she'd probably be a Big Name Anti-Fan, though she'd rapidly creep the other snarkers out. I somehow think Cori's WRH of New Moon would end with a live Edward delivered back to the Cullens in several pieces (since vampires can survive disembowelment, remember?). And she would throw the most EPIC shitfit come Breaking Dawn. It would make New Beginnings look moderate. And the sad thing is that she'd have halfway-decent justifications, since all vampires in Twilight canon either murder humans or tolerate murder as an alternative dietary choice... but then she'd hurl the werewolves right past several Moral Event Horizons and not even realize she was doing it. And then there would be some ritual to make Bella a werewolf, and ahaha I am so tempted to write a trollfic in this style as a tribute to Miss Falls. ...I am SO tempted.

"I think there are many feminists who would say that I am not a feminist. But, to me ... I love women, I have a lot of girlfriends, I admire them, they make so much more sense to me than men, and I feel like the world is a better place when women are in charge. So that kind of by default makes me a feminist. I love working in a female world." --Stephenie Meyer

Let's unpack this, shall we?

( In which I argue that Meyer actually means what she says, if you view it through a Draco Trilogy-like lens of ''Good gad, this entity does not have thought processes resembling those of humanity.'' )

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Analyzing this quote did make me realize one thing, though -

Alice is the Twilight-universe's equivalent of a liberated woman.

Heaven help us all.