Climb to the Shrine, Right What Is Wrong

Admittedly, I wasn't paying too much attention to the hour or so I saw, but the CGI aliens were both unpleasant to observe and boring to observe, Virginia John Carter himself looked insipid and acted brainless, and the special effects were impressive whenever the Martian-civilization sets appeared and otherwise... um...

We'll just say that, if somebody didn't do a mashup of the footage with Super Mario Bros. sound-effects, there was a great missed opportunity for a parody.

Honestly, who thought it was a good idea outside of a parody to have Our Hero leaping, flailing about, and falling on his face for several minutes on end at the start of the Mars sequence? If the intent was to show him developing from a somewhat buffoonish newbie to a brave hero... I noticed him getting bitchier throughout the movie. That was the main character change.

Again, I didn't pay that much attention, but I'm pretty sure the hero and the romantic lead should have had more raw charisma than the goofy CGI amphibian wonderdog.

Verdict: Don't watch. Unless I really missed something or it picks up after the point where I turned it off, but I don't think that's likely.

In a word: UGH.
In an action: *dry sobbing*
In a question: WHY?!

So I analyzed the story to see what it would take to make me care about it. "Hamlet's Father" is what I came up with.

*throws up hands* 

( So I analyzed the story to see what it would take to make me care about it... )

Now, having expressed at length how much I despise the story, I must defend it on one point before turning around and attacking it on the exact same point.
( TW: discussion of child molestation. )

( THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! )

0/10.
Recommended for: people who have algolangia. Possibly the only way to get enjoyment out of this book.

I'll say this: for the quality of the prose, it deserves its classic reputation. The originality of the theme by which I mean, a brutal deconstruction of petty, whiny twits is also worthy of great praise.

However, Madame Bovary is rightly well-known for a highly... unlikeable... main character, and so those with short tempers are advised caution when deciding whether to read this. In fact, nobody in the book is all that likeable, so you had better come into the book with a readiness to mentally MST their thought processes. (This IS in line with what the author wanted, since he wrote it to mock the bourgeoisie, so their unpleasantness is wholly intention.)

I'd recommend it. Now, for those who don't mind spoilers, read on to find a summary below:

( Bella Swan meets reality. It does not end well. )

Story: 2.5/5 for content, 4/5 for... randomness
Characters: 2/5 for content, 5/5 for creativity
Gameplay: 4.5/5 - fun, simple, and smoothly-flowing with occasional challenges
Music: 4.5/5 - nice retro sound [Hey, it was the state of the art in 1992!]
Graphics: 5/5 - 2D, but brightly-colored and well-drawn
Price: 10/5 - 99 cents at the iTunes App Store!!!
Overall Rating: 4.5/5 It's fun!

Edit: After playing Shining Force for a bit again, I have to correct myself - that technically isn't a nautilus. I guess it's more of an amobea... jellyfish... thingy.

I first played Shining Force when I was about seven or eight, and enjoyed it greatly - though I didn't exactly grasp too much of the plot. A description of what I remembered would probably be along the lines of 'There's this guy who washed up on a beach and can't remember anything, and then there's an army he leads around, and you fight a three-headed evil dragon at the end. And also, there's a werewolf!'

( On the one hand, that's a fairly accurate description. On the other hand, I seriously needed Ritalin if the ONLY unusual thing I noticed was the werewolf. )
TL;DR: It's not great if you're looking for characterization, world-building, or an A.I. that didn't repeat 1st grade seventeen times, but I like it anyway.
If you want a fun, cracky, and brightly-colored strategy game with which to while away some time, play Shining Force.
If you want an actual quality game for $0.99 without in-app purchases to jack up the effective price, play Shining Force.
If you want to use a talking rhinoceros in steampunk armor and an ice-casting floating nautilus to beat up your enemies, I honestly don't think you have any choice other than Shining Force.