THIS IS JUST GLORIOUS BATSHIT INSANITY

[guardians_song]

I AM SORRY FOR NOT CLARIFYING
THIS WAS IN THE NAVELFUCKING FIC I MENTIONED EARLIER



A SITE DEMANDING $4.00 PER MINUTE FOR VIDEOS OF MULDER GETTING SCREWED IN HIS NAVEL MADE OVER $50,000,000 IN FIVE DAYS

MULDER HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO QUADRUPLETS THROUGH HIS NAVEL, ONE OF WHICH WAS AN ALIEN

MULDER ENDS UP HAVING NINE BABIES THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THE STORY

DID I MENTION THAT MULDER HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF REGENERATING HIGHLANDER-THINGY THAT CAN RECOVER FROM BLOWING OFF HIS OWN HEAD, AND THAT'S WHY HE'S HAVING NAVELBABIES

AND HIS NAVELLUBE MAKES MEN UNCONTROLLABLY HORNY

AND I'VE SKIPPED OVER 75% OF THE STORY, SO I MAY BE MISSING EVEN MORE BATSHITTERY IN THOSE PARTS

DID I MENTION THAT THE PSYCHIC RUSSIAN TSAR (THEY BROUGHT BACK THE TITLE AND THE US DOESN'T EXIST ANY MORE AND ALL SORTS OF WEIRD SHIT) ALSO WANTS TO GET IN MULDER'S PANTS

I MEAN, NAVEL

THERE IS A CHART OF ALL THE KIDS

WHY IS THIS NOT BETTER KNOWN

AND MULDER'S SPERM IS SPECIAL SO HE HAS SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY TEST-TUBE DAUGHTERS APPARENTLY
COURTESY OF THE GOVERNMENT
SEE, ALMOST ALL THE WOMEN DIED FROM THE ALIEN NAVELBABY PLAGUE

EXCEPT SCULLY

BECAUSE SHE'S JUST AWESOME I GUESS

THERE ARE OTHER FEMALE SURVIVORS BUT THEY'RE NOT ONSCREEN

AND NOW THE EVIL ALIEN KING WANTS MULDER TO BEAR HUNDREDS OF CHILDREN

SOMEWHERE DAVID DUCHOVNY IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY AND SOBBING AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY
I MEAN, THAT'S JUST MY OPINION
I WANT TO CLARIFY
THE FIC DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE THAT IN IT
BECAUSE AT THIS POINT IT WOULDN'T LOOK TOO OUT OF PLACE

AND THE ALIENS HAVE KIDNAPPED ALL THE NAVELBABY DUDES

SO THEY CAN BEAR ALIEN NAVELBABIES

AND NOW MULDER'S ALIEN NAVELBABY HAS BROUGHT PEACE TO THE GALAXY

HOORAY

ALL IS WELL

THE FUCK DID I JUST READ

Comments

[redwoodalchan]

Oh, GOD, I'm DYING!

[guardians_song]

I'M NOT EVEN MAKING ANYTHING UP

I'M NOT EXAGGERATING ANYTHING

I THINK I'M UNDERSTATING IT, ACTUALLY

THIS WAS A REAL EPIC!FIC

[sarajayechan]

WHAT THE FUCK

THIS IS AN ACTUAL PAY SITE OR LIKE

SOME FIC

EITHER WAY

WHAT

[guardians_song]

IN THE FIC

I'M SORRY FOR NOT CLARIFYING

[sarajayechan]

OH

WELL IT'S OKAY YOU WERE GOBSMACKED

YOU CAN BE EXCUSED

[guardians_song]

SO LET ME EXPLAIN

THIS WAS APPARENTLY SOME BIGSHOT FIC IN X-FILES FANDOM BACK IN THE DAY
IT'S FIVE BOOKS LONG
ALL DEDICATED TO MULDER'S INFINITE HOTNESS
AND LATER HIS NAVEL
THE CHAPTERS ALONE ARE FUCKING HUGE

ACCORDING TO FANLORE, THE STORY CONTAINS 7MB OF TEXT

ACTUALLY READING THE WHOLE THING CAN TAKE WEEKS

IT WAS WRITTEN OVER FIVE YEARS

NAVELFUCKING STARTS IN BOOK 2

IT REALLY SHOULD HAVE A TV TROPES PAGE

JUST SO PEOPLE CAN GAWP AT IT AND SAY "NO, YOU HAVE TO BE SHITTING ME, THIS WAS SOME SORT OF APRIL 1ST ENTRY, RIGHT

"EVERYONE ON THE SITE THREW IN THE WEIRDEST SHIT THEY COULD THINK UP

"IT'S A PARODY OF BAD YAOI

"IT CAN'T ACTUALLY EXIST

"RIGHT?"

[sarajayechan]

OH MY GOD

I READ THAT FIC YEARS AGO

ALL I REMEMBER WAS MPREG AND GRAPHIC BIRTH SCENES AND SCHMOOP AND GROSS DETAILS ABOUT THE COLOR OF MPREG SPROG POOP

I DID NOT REMEMBER THE NAVEL PREGNANCY

OH MY FUCK

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS

[guardians_song]

I READ THE FANLORE PAGE MONTHS AGO

I DON'T KNOW HOW

I MAY HAVE BEEN ON THE OMEGAVERSE PAGE

AND TODAY I WENT 'GEE, OMEGAVERSE IS VERY WEIRD AND ALL, BUT I UNDERSTAND THE KINKS THAT LED TO IT CATCHING ON

'BUT NAVELFUCKING

'HOW DID THAT WORK'

AND SO I WENT BACK

AND BEGAN BROWSING FOR THE NAVELFUCKING

AND I DISCOVERED THAT THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE

SO MUCH BATSHIT INSANITY THAT THE SUMMARY HADN'T EVEN HINTED AT

AND I ACHIEVED SOME SORT OF INTERMEDIATE TIER OF FANDOM ENLIGHTENMENT

(WHEN I HIT THE TOP TIER, I WILL BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH STORIES LIKE THIS)

YOU FORGOT THE COLOR-CODED AMNIOTIC SACS

AND THE PREGNANCIES WITH MULTIPLE BABYDADDYS

AND REGENERATING NAVELBABY DUDES

AND PSYCHIC DUDES BEING THE ONLY ONES WHO COULD IMPREGNATE THEM

BECAUSE MAGIC

NO, REALLY BECAUSE MAGIC

AND MULDER'S NAVELBABY-DUDE POWERS BLOWING UP THE ROOM WHEN THEY TRIED TO ABORT THE ALIEN NAVELBABY

AND I HAVEN'T EVEN READ MOST OF IT

EXCEPT DID I MENTION THE POOR SAP WHO ENDED UP BEING ENCASED IN PLASTER AND BEING USED AS A LIVING GANGBANG SEX TOY BY ONE OF THE ARCHVILLAINS

BECAUSE HONESTLY I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT WEIRD COMBINATION OF KINKS LED TO THAT IDEA

'TODAY I WILL HAVE A GUY BOUND AND PASSED AROUND TO ALL OF THE VILLAIN'S GUESTS FOR RAPE FOR TEH DRAMAZ, BECAUSE EVIL'

'OKAY'

'ALSO HE WILL BE BOUND BY BEING ENCASED IN PLASTER'

'WHAT'

'DID I MENTION THE VILLAIN IS NOW AN ALIEN THROUGH SPECIAL SERUM AND THUS HAS A PREHENSILE FEATHER-DUSTER COCK'

'WHAT'

EDIT:
I MEAN, BASICALLY IMAGINE IT LIKE THIS

EXCEPT A COCK

BUT NOT IN RAINBOW COLORS OBVIOUSLY

UNLESS I MISSED THAT PART

[sarajayechan]

WHAT THE CRAP

OKAY FIRST OF ALL NAVEL FUCKING IS JUST WRONG

OWWWWWWWWW

SECOND

THIS IS THE SORT OF FIC PATRICK WELLS WET DREAMS ABOUT

I FORGOT A LOT OF THE STUFF EXCEPT THE SCHMOOP AND THE MPREG

I THINK I'M GLAD NOW

EDIT:

OH MY GOD I ALSO FORGOT ABOUT MANMILK

MANBOOBS THAT CAN GIVE MILK

MY BRAIN IS FULL OF FUCK

[guardians_song]

IN ALL FAIRNESS MEN CAN LACTATE

SO I DIDN'T REALLY RANK THAT WITH THE OTHER STUFF

LIKE BELLYBUTTON VAGINAS

I JUST REALLY WANT TO ASK THE AUTHOR

SO, AT WHAT POINT, WHEN YOU WERE WRITING THIS FIC, DID YOU LOOK AT A BELLYBUTTON AND THINK

MAN, WOULDN'T IT BE HOT IF MULDER GOT FUCKED IN IT

THINGS WHICH ARE NOT LUBE FOR WEEPINGCOCK REFERENCE: BELLYBUTTON LINT

AND IF YOUR BELLYBUTTON STARTS TO SEEP LIQUID

DON'T TRY TO HAVE SEX WITH IT, GET THAT SHIT CHECKED OUT

OH GAD

YES, I WAS THINKING ABOUT PATRICK

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM BOSSY SO I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING

BUT IT IS HIS PERFECT FIC

(ALMOST) ALL THE LADIES DIE AND THE HAWT BISHIES ALL HAVE MANSEX AND BABIES

BABIES EVER AFTER: THE FIC

BUT OH GAD CAN YOU IMAGINE THE SHIPWAR RENDITION

'ZACHY-CHAN, WILL YOU HAVE SEX WITH MY NAVEL? ^_^'
'WHAT THE FUCK
'NO
'NO
'NO
'NEVER
'ABSOLUTELY NOT
'DID THEY NEVER TEACH YOU BIOLOGY
'NO'
'YOU'RE SO MEAN'

AND I CAN KIND OF SEE HOW IT WIPED ITSELF FROM YOUR MEMORY

BUT HONESTLY I'D HAVE A HARD TIME FORGETTING NAVELSEX

AND NAVELBABIES

TEACH ME YOUR TECHNIQUES SENSEI

THEY MAY HAVE DISPROVED 'CANNOT BE UNSEEN'

MUCH AS NAVELS DEFINITELY CANNOT BE UNFUCKED

[sarajayechan]

DUDE THAT IS NOT BOSSY

BECAUSE PATRICK IS SYNONYMOUS WITH CRAPPY YAOI

SO IT'S PERFECT AND I WOULD HAVE THANKED YOU FOR MENTIONING IT

AND OH GOD PAT WOULD SO TRY TO RE-ENACT THE FIC WITH ZACH AND GORDON

'MAKE ME PREGNANT WITH LOVEBABIES IN MY NAVEL'
'THAT IS NOT HOW THE BODY WORKS YOU FANBRAT'
'DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT'

MEANWHILE JAMES AND ALL THE SANE YAOI FANS CRY QUIETLY IN A CORNER. OR BARF. OR THROW POPCORN.

WELL TO BE FAIR I SORTA REMEMBERED THE MPREG AND THE SCHMOOP

BUT NOT THE NAVEL STUFF

[guardians_song]

'ZACH IS SO MEAN T_T AND GORDY I KNOW YOU'RE JUST TSUNDERE'
'NO, REALLY, DIE'
'YOU ARE TRYING TO GET FUCKED IN YOUR NAVEL
'DID YOUR HOUSE HAVE ANY BIOLOGY TEXTBOOKS
'DO YOU EVEN
'ANATOMY, IT JUST DOESN'T
'GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'

AND EVERYONE'S JUST GAWKING

IN THE NAVEL, REALLY?

AND ESSIE JUST GOES INTO A DEAD FAINT

CASSIE MAKES 'UNEDUCATED FAN' NOISES WHEN HER BRAIN RECOVERS

JOE JUST GOES 'MAN, THAT'S TOO KINKY EVEN FOR ME'

MISSY HIDES HER FEMPREG FICS WITH SEMEN COMING OUT A GIRL'S NOSE OR SOMETHING

ROD TRIES TO READ THEM

AND SO ON AND SO FORTH

IT ALL TURNS INTO ONE BIG MESS

YOUR BRAIN MAY HAVE BAILED BEFORE THE NAVEL POINT
IT'S EASY TO DO
I GUESS HE JUST HAD A NAVEL OF HOLDING
AND HOLDING
AND HOLDING

[sarajayechan]

ESSIE FAINTS AND SAYS NOTHING FOR HOURS AND HOURS

CASSIE PROBABLY NEEDS A STIFF DRINK

AND JOE WROTE A FIC ABOUT AN ANTHROMORPHIC TENTACRUEL HAVING MAD KINKY SEX WITH ETHAN AND LYRA ONCE BUT THIS IS PUSHING IT

MISSY THINKS HAVING BABIES IS OPPRESSIVE BUT SHE'D PROBABLY WRITE IT ANYWAY AS A MEANS OF PROMOTING A "STRONG WOMYN BREEDING FACTORY"

AND MITTENS BARFS OVER ALL THE TALK OF HUMAN SEX

PROBABLY ON SOMEONE'S FEET

I SKIMMED LIKE MOST OF IT

AND SOMEHOW I MISSED THE NAVEL BIT AT THE TIME. OR MY BRAIN PRETENDED IT NEVER HAPPENED.

[guardians_song]

ANGELA HAS TO BE RESUSCITATED

ZACH PUTS ASIDE HIS DIFFERENCES AND JOINS CASSIE FOR THAT STIFF DRINK

MILA AND MILOS ARE LEFT WISHING THEY COULD DRINK

JAHN POINTS TO THIS AS DIE-HARD EVIDENCE FOR HUMAN IRRATIONALITY

WANKTHULHU SAYS 'THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR MY SPECIES'

THE FE:AWAKENING CAST AGREES THAT THEY'VE SEEN LOTS OF WEIRD SHIT, BUT THIS IS PUSHING IT
EXCEPT HENRY
HENRY IS KINDA WONDERING HOW THAT HEX WOULD WORK

I SKIMMED IT, BUT I KNEW ABOUT THE NAVELFUCKING, SO I WAS LITERALLY CTRL-EFFING MY WAY THROUGH MOST OF IT WITH "NAVEL" AND "BELLYBUTTON"

I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED

OH BOY WAS I NOT DISAPPOINTED

[sarajayechan]

CASSIE IS GLAD FOR THE COMPANY

JULIA AND MOLLY AND MARK AND SUE ALSO WISH THEY WERE OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK

LYSSIE GROANS BECAUSE PATRICK IS GONNA TRY TO REPLICATE THIS IN HIS OWN WRITING

MAXIE DECIDES THIS IS TOO FUCKED UP EVEN FOR HER. AND SHE WRITES MONSTER PORN.

LUCY FAINTED THE MOMENT SLASH WAS MENTIONED

HANNAH SIGHS AND GOES OFF TO BARF OVER THE CONSTANT MENTION OF PENISES

I MAY NEED TO RE-READ IT AT SOME POINT AS A PROJECT AND SPORK BITS OF IT

OR SEE IF ANYONE'S EVER SPORKED IT

[guardians_song]

THIS FIC HAS UNITED #1 CANON-IS-EVIL AND #1 FANON-IS-EVIL REPS
THERE WILL BE PEACE IN OUR TIME
BROUGHT ABOUT BY NAVELFUCKING

LYSSIE IS ALSO WORRIED THAT THE FAMILY'S GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR PATRICK'S HOSPITAL VISIT AFTER AN EMBARRASSING AND PAINFUL INCIDENT INVOLVING HIS NAVEL AND A DILDO

HANNAH ALSO COMPLAINS THAT IT'S SO MISOGYNISTICALLY TYPICAL TO KILL OFF ALL THE WOMEN SO THE MEN CAN SHAG

ROD IS WRITING EXTREMELY DISTURBING FANFIC WITH EJACULATING DICKNIPPLES


I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S EVER SPORKED IT

IT'S FIVE BOOKS LONG

LONG BOOKS

PEOPLE WOULD TRY TO STAB THEMSELVES IN THE NAVEL HALFWAY THROUGH

I MEAN YOU COULD SPORK THE WORST BITS

BUT THEN THOSE WOULD LEAD TO WORSE BITS

AND EVEN WORSE BITS

AND YOU'D BE MUTTERING ABOUT HAIRY ANGEL COCKS AND PLASTER-STATUE FUCKING BY THE TIME THE MEN IN WHITE COATS CAME TO TAKE YOU AWAY

[sarajayechan]

EVERYONE FINALLY LEARNS TO NOT KILL EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF ONE FUCKED UP FIC

OH GOD

IF THAT HAPPENS SHE AND HER DAD MIGHT JUST HAVE PAT COMMITTED

AND ROD WOULD TOTALLY WRITE THAT OR HAVE CHICKS LAY EGGS


OH GOD

I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT

AT LEAST LITTLE MISS MARY WAS ONLY FOUR PARTS

[lliira]

How would navel fucking even work unless one had a very, very small penis?

[guardians_song]

Because apparently this alien plague caused some men to have their navels turn into mutant vaginas, complete with mutant uteri (and presumably mutant ovaries and the works) attached.

The fic is not terribly interested in basic human anatomy, in case you're wondering.

[lliira]

Oic.

Is it bad that I'm not at all surprised by this fic? I'm afraid that I may have reached that point of not being able to be surprised by any fanfic -- or even published fic -- any more, and that thought sort of unnerves me. Hm. Hopefully it is painkillers.

[guardians_song]

It may be that Anita Blake overexposure has burned you out. I mean, Anita's already got a metaphysical penis. Discovering special powers of fucking someone in their metaphysical navel wouldn't be at all out of place.

[lliira]

That could be partly it. Also I have been reading the archives of a Harry Potter community which talked about bad fics. Compared to the horrible ways various writers tortured and murdered Ginny and Ron and the "I have not yet begun to debauch!" everyone-rapes-Snape fic, bellybutton vagina seems almost charming.

[guardians_song]

In all fairness, I read those first, and so I'm used to the depths of depravity. Yes, everyone hates Ginny and Ron, yes, everyone thinks Snape is an easily-raped woobie, yes, everyone portrays the Slytherins as suffering sickeningly-racist/classist/etc. saints...

But bellybutton vagina? Now THAT'S something I've never seen before.

[lliira]

Honestly I think it's the painkillers.

[violent_cat]

Whatwhatwhat? WHAT HAVE THE AUTHOR DONE

I like X-Files, damnit!
People should stop telling me that the worst things are done to Harry Potter fandom D8 They're so wrong.
To hell with The Most Disturbing Movies, crappy fanfiction beats everything, because instead of being just batshit crazy, it also tries to destroy something that was originally good, at least for some people.

Anyway, I'm glad I can still have a WTF reaction to that.
Navelbabies. *snorts*

THE HORROR

[guardians_song]

"People should stop telling me that the worst things are done to Harry Potter fandom D8 They're so wrong."
*nods* HP may have an unusual amount of badfic occurring in a short amount of time, but older fandoms have often accumulated weirder fics. D: It's like people complaining that it was better in the "good old days" - no, it was just as bad, you just didn't know about it! :P

"Anyway, I'm glad I can still have a WTF reaction to that.
Navelbabies. *snorts*

THE HORROR"
*nods* It definitely reassures me that I can still be shocked by SOMETHING... O_o

[violent_cat]

"It's like people complaining that it was better in the "good old days" - no, it was just as bad, you just didn't know about it! :P"
*nods* Or they just forget sometimes.

"It definitely reassures me that I can still be shocked by SOMETHING... O_o"
And kind of... makes me feel better (because I never ever wrote a story about navel fucking).

[guardians_song]

"*nods* Or they just forget sometimes."
You suppress the memory. :P

"And kind of... makes me feel better (because I never ever wrote a story about navel fucking)."
XD Yep, there's definitely that!