Now Sporking: How James Got His Mojo Back, Part 2/2

[guardians_song]

Jessie's smile became a grin as she rolled herself on top of me. "You make me
horny, baby! Let's shag!" she said in her best Austin Powers voice.
Guardian’s Song: Never have I been so glad I have a strong compartmentalization of characterizations. If I didn’t, that one line would have ruined my childhood memories of Pokémon.

Instead, I’m just imagining James freaking out, Meowth laughing uproariously, and Jessie being torn between laughter and rage.

[TRIGGER WARNING for attempted coerced sex. Read down with caution.]

As she placed her hand on my crotch and began to pull down my pajama pants, I
pushed her off of me. "Not tonight, Jess," I groaned.

Jessie looked at me as if I'd just slapped her across the face. "Not tonight?!
What do you mean, not tonight?!" she demanded.

"I don't feel like it," I told her, buttoning up my top and adjusting my pants
again. "I just want to go to sleep."

Her look of shock gave way to anger. "Oh, no you don't -- you don't get off that
easy!" she snapped.
Tom: (James) Actually, I get off after sixty seconds, max.
Jerry: Well, you’re mature today…
"All day long you've been turning me on and promising to
fulfill my every desire, so you'd better take off those damn pajamas and start
fulfilling, mister!"
Guardian’s Song: *winces* Oh, THIS is what Sarajayechan was talking about on TV Tropes when she mentioned Jessie pressuring James into sex.

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. This makes me a little ill… and from her description, it gets even worse.

Not wanting to argue with her about it any longer, I covered myself with the
blanket once more and buried my head under my pillow. "Good night, Jessie," I
said.

Jessie ripped the pillow away from me. "Is this about that book?!" she asked.
"You don't want me, just because that goddamned book says you're a Magikarp?!"
Jerry: (Jessie) Then let me level you up to 20! *screen blacks out*

…
…What am I writing!?

"It's more than that!" I retorted as I sat up in bed and faced her again.
She folded her arms across her chest and gave me one of her I demand an
explanation! looks.

I ran a hand through my hair. "Jessie...when I was Moltres...I don't know. I
felt strong. I felt sexy. I felt like I was worthy of you. But I'm not a
Moltres...just a useless Magikarp," I told her.
Tom: Otherkin! Otherkin! Otherkin! Get th’ heck out, otherkin! Yer not welcome here!
Guardian’s Song: I almost feel obligated to apologize on the off chance that some otherkin might someday read this sporking…

"So, basically...you don't want me, just because that goddamned book says you're
a Magikarp," she repeated.

I sighed.

Jessie frowned and began to slap me. "HOW DARE YOU?!" she cried. "How dare you
spend all day getting me hot and bothered and then turn into a cold fish on
me?!"
Tom: (James) Because I AM a cold fish! Magikarp, karp, karp…

Even though she wasn't hitting me hard, I put an arm up to shield myself from
her slaps. "Jessie, please...."

As she continued to hit me, Meowth came through the door carrying two pizza
boxes and a bottle of cola. "Hey, guys! Dere wasn't a line at the pizza place,
so I was in and outta dere in five minutes! Can ya believe....?" His eyes
widened when he saw us. "Uh...what's goin' on here?!"

Jessie screwed up her face and pointed an accusing finger at me. "James won't
have sex with me!" she moaned.

Meowth rolled his eyes as he set the food on the table. "Oh, brother."

"You saw him, Meowth!" she continued. "He spent all day being sexy and promising
me a night of romance, and now he won't even touch me! It's not fair!"

"Oh, give it a rest, will you?!" I shouted. "Can't a guy change his mind when
he's not in the mood anymore?!"
Guardian’s Song: This scene is genuinely unnerving.

Meowth jumped onto the bed and stepped between us. "Okay, lemme get dis
straight. James, ya got the hottest, sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world
beggin' ya ta make love ta her, and yer not in the mood?!"
Tom: *yelps and backs up, switchblade in hand* What ARE you?
Anita Blake, The Tightness And Wetness Between The Worlds: I have been summoned, and the ARRRRRDEEEEEUR IS OVERWHEEEEELMING MEEEEE!
He placed his paw on
my forehead. "What the hell is wrong with ya?! Are ya sick, or somethin'?!"
Jerry: No, but this creature is!
Anita Blake: A woman? Ewwww, you’re just jealous of me and my irresistibility! DIE!
Tom: It – it ate my spare knife! …With an unmentionable orifice! An’ it ain’t even wounded!
[We are experiencing brief technical difficulties. The sporking will return shortly.]
[…]
[…]
[…]
[Technical difficulties resolved. Sporking resuming.]
Tom: *stands up, legs wobbling, from behind the overturned desk* *his appearance is disheveled, with his hair in disarray, his clothes torn in several places, and a bruise blooming along his jawline* *his left eye twitches several time before he speaks* Well… we managed t’ send it back where it came…
Jerry: *equally out-of-sorts* …What gave you the idea to ward it off with a USB flashdrive full of explicit femmeslash?
Tom: *turns to her and throws up hands* I used everythin’ else! Did y’ see it ENGULF that CHAIR? An’ it kept screaming about how it was so BIG an’ how it wanted MORE!
Jerry: *high-strung laughter* B-but why did you even have that on you?
Tom: …It was in my backpack! None’a yer beeswax! I ain’t in th’ habit’a lookin’ through yer flashdrives! Fer all I know, y’ve got all’a y!Gallery on there!
Jerry: Hey! Only thirty percent, tops! …I mean, that’s absurd!
Tom: Eh, whatever. What was that thing? An’ why’d it leave slime tracks on everythin’?
Guardian’s Song: Those aren’t slime tracks, that’s… uh, never mind. Let’s just say that I’m moving you to a fresh sporking room. This one needs to be… decontaminated.
Anita Blake: *moans from the tight and wet space between dimensions*
[Please stand by…]
[…]
[…There we go.]

=Tokyo-3… Er, Sporking Room-3=
Tom: What happened t’ Sporkin’ Room-2?
Guardian’s Song: I think Ariana Dumbledore nuked it during Draco Veritas, Chapter Four. Anyway, back to the sporking…
Tom: Well, think it’s obvious. Now Meowth is a furry… humany… whatever the Muk y’ call an animal with a human fetish. Lookit that! He’s letchin’ after her himself!
Jerry: I… *mouth falls open as she stares at the fic* Oh. My. Legendaries.
Tom: *in a high-strung, hysterical tone* Lookit it! He’s talkin’ about how he can’t understand how anyone wouldn’t want her, because he thinks she’s the hottest, sexiest, most beautiful woman in th’ world! And he’s a CAT!
Jerry: What was this, the story where she embraced her furry side?!
Guardian’s Song: I wasn’t even THINKING of this earlier. Oh gad, let’s move onto the next few lines, before I have to dunk my head in bleach. D8

(And I’d say this was experimentation. Thank heavens, she did not continue furry themes. And I think these were accidental. But STILL!)

"Just leave me alone. Both of you," I growled as I turned away from them and
buried myself under the blanket for the third time that night.

"Goddammit, James!" Jessie shouted as she tore the blanket off of me once again.
"You talk in that hot Dungeons & Dragons voice,
Tom: *ROARS with laughter*
Guardian’s Song: What? What?
Jerry: …What?
Tom: So, at what point in bein’ screwed-up, mentally-unstable furries who blame everyone else fer yer problems an’ get turned on by Dungeons an’ Dragons are y’ goin’ t’ realize yer a pair’a giant creepy-geek stereotypes, Cori!James an’ Cori!Jessie?
Guardian’s Song: Well, at least they’re not… no, wait, they are Nice Guys (Nice Guy and Nice Girl, technically). And… um, all right, they do have enormous egos, and they do act as though the people they’ve wronged are persecuting them for daring to get angry. Um. Er.

At least they wash often?
Tom: Y’ve got proof’a that?
Guardian’s Song: Well, no… At least they don’t live in their parents’ basements?
Tom: That’s ‘cause James can’t go home t’ his parents an’ Jessie’s got none.
Guardian’s Song: I mean… at least they don’t spend all day surfing the internet and looking at weird anime porn. Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that… every now and then.
Tom: That’s ‘cause they’re actin’ out weird anime porn. Four hours ain’t healthy.
Guardian’s Song: …Um. Oooooh dear.
you break ropes with your
muscles, you flirt with me like there's no tomorrow,
Tom: *that HOT Dungeons & Dragons voice* Prithee, m’lady, we must engage in that fantastical an’ sensual union’a true loves, makin’a th’ beast with two backs, four-hour celebration’a Lapettymort, second cousin’a Voldemort –
Jerry: La petite mort.

*continues in a long-suffering voice* Come, my love, and let me ride into your Elder Red Dragon’s lair, armed only with my Flaming Mithril Spear of True Love +10, there to wage battle until our Mountain Dews run out, with my familiar Meowth the Miniature Foul-Mouthed Persian Cat giving running commentary by my side…
Tom: (Jessie) Roll for initiative!
Jerry: (James) 18 + 3 = 21… That means I get to go first! Now, I get to roll my Grapple check to roll you onto your back.
Tom: (Jessie) Beware, foolish mortal, for I have a high DC!
Jerry: (James) Nevertheless, I have conquered it! Now, James will Turn Undead memories from your heart, so that you may cry for a bit in his arms and then move onto comforting you in the way that only he can.
Tom: (Jessie) Ah, but thou art weak to Mutual Wangst, so you must resist or take 7 points of Psychic damage!
Jerry: (James) 13 + 2… is 15, which is less than 25. Oh, darn! *fails Will check* Oh, Jessie, your tragic childhood! My heart bleeds for your damaged psyche!

I cast Cure Minor Wounds to comfort your aching heart!
Tom: (Jessie) Speak for yourself, thou foolish knight! With thy usual wangst, thou hast dropped below 0 HP, and may soon collapse into a gibbering, Shinji Ikari-ish heap because thou hast broken a nail this morning!
Jerry: (James) Gah! Meowth, stabilize me!
(Meowth) *sings a song of Morale* Awright, do those temporary hit points put him over?
Tom: (Jessie) Yes, I believe they do! Now, you must succeed your lock-picking check on my bra, and then test if your Dexterity is high enough to pierce my maiden barrier with one skillful thrust!
Jerry: (James) Fortunately, your maiden barrier is weak to Piercing damage! Nevertheless, I use Flamboyant Masculinity to lower your defenses for 3+1d6 rounds!
Tom: (Jessie) Oh, James! Take me! Take me now! Or at least within 3+1d6 rounds!
Jerry: …
…
…*stares up the page* What did we just write?
Tom: I ain’t even THINKIN’ about it.
you stand up to Botch and
Crappidy,
Tom: - an’ then y’ curl up in a ball th’ moment they tell y’ that y’ ain’t a special an’ beautiful Moltres, just another nutty otherkin.
you wear that drop-dead sexy Moltres thing,
Jerry: That was sexy?!
and then you won't even
pleasure me like you promised?!
Jerry: You know, it’s the choice of both partners as to whether they should have sex – mutual enthusiastic consent and all that. It’s not a matter of duty or obligation.
You're a great, big jerk!"
Jerry: For not wanting to have sex!? Stop pressuring him! You can have sex any other night! He’s obviously very unhappy and depressed – can’t you leave him alone?
Tom: But then he can’t talk t’ her in that hot Dungeons an’ Dragons voice! And Meowth can’t express his human fetish!
Jerry: *buries face in hands*

"Oh, so NOW my Moltres outfit is sexy?!" I said sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" she demanded.

"You said I looked gay in it!"
Tom: Y’ didn’t! That’s an insult t’ th’ gays! Y’ looked like a great, big FURRY!

Her eyes widened. "I did NOT!"

"Oh? Then what was that whole out of my closet thing about, huh?!"
Jerry: *through hands* Because… well… pick another costume next time, all right?
I asked. "I
assume you didn't like how I looked since you insulted me!"

Jessie sighed. "James, I didn't mean it that way."

"Then how did you mean it?"
Tom: (Jessie) Furry closet, not gay closet. Really, how many gay men have a fursuit all stitched up and ready to go at a moment’s notice?

"I...I just said that because I was mad at you," she explained. "After you broke
those ropes and freed us, I thought it'd be really fun...and sexy to make a
Moltres costume for you!
Jerry: Sexy?
Tom: Two furries in love. Lemme go puke.
And then you ran off, and when you came back, you were
already wearing one! I was pissed off because you didn't even give me a chance!
I guess I took it personally...like my sewing wasn't good enough for James the
Moltres...."
Tom: Lemme seriously go puke.
Jerry: *looks up* I’ve made it through the sex scenes elsewhere – you can make it through this.
Tom: *remains in his seat, scowling… and looking rather green*

"Well, you should've said something," I told her. "I didn't know you wanted to
make a costume for me -- I only bought that other one because I was in a hurry.
If I knew, I guess I would've waited, though."

This made her smile. "Yes, you should have waited, James," she said. "Because
the outfit I wanted to make would've been MUCH nicer than the one you bought!"
Tom: She’s braggin’ about her fursuit-makin’ skills?!

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? How so?"

Jessie leaned closer to me and ran her fingers along my chest once again.
"Well...first, I wouldn't have put that big, poofy collar on it -- I would've
wanted to show off those super-sexy, rope-breaking pecs!
Jerry: *turns green*
Tom: *smirks*
And I would've shown
off those strong arms instead of hiding them under all that plumage. I would've
made the bodysuit a little tighter, too...."
Jerry: So, essentially, she would have made a superhero costume? Or supervillain?
Tom: How about “superfurry”?

Meowth snickered. "Yeah! She woulda made it more bulgerific!"
Jerry: *turns greener*
Tom: *snickers* Y’ were sayin’?

Jessie smacked him over the head and blushed. "Quiet, you!"

I couldn't help but smile.

"But this isn't about the costume, is it?" she asked once Meowth was able to
stop laughing. "This is still about that book saying you're a Magikarp."

I hung my head and sighed. "Yes."

Jessie cupped my chin in her hand. "James, why are you letting that stupid book
upset you so much?" she asked.
Tom: (Cori!James) Because a Magikarp is not a fluffy and romanticized furry form! I’m just – just – one of you mundanes! You filthy mundanes, who don’t get turned on by Dungeons & Dragons! Who don’t liken everything in your life to LOTR! Who can’t recite every Stabbing Westward lyric by heart! I DESPISE you all!
"I didn't think you even believed in fortuneHYPHEN!
telling! So why should it make any difference what your sign is?"

I closed my eyes and thought about it for a moment. "Well...I didn't believe in
it at first," I said. "But then all the stuff it said about me came true, and
everything seemed to make sense...and it just made me feel so good to think that
maybe I was somebody worthwhile...that maybe I had potential.
Guardian’s Song: I will give Cori Falls kudos for reversing traditional gender roles. Jessie frequently gives James the ‘I’m no good for you, baby’ Bad-Boy speech, and James talks a lot about how he has deep insecurities and doesn’t have any self-worth without a love interest to coddle him and tell him how wonderful and special he is. I’m not being entirely sarcastic here. In a strange way, she actually bucks the trends.

I really, really wish she hadn’t put certain unforgivable scenes into her fics. I wish I could think of her as an off-kilter Suethor whom I could still compliment without any caveats. …I do kind of wish I could call her the Good Suethor. Ah, well, such is badfic.
I guess finding
out that it was all a lie is what got to me."
Tom: (Cori!James) My life is a LIIIIIIIIIIIIE! *falls to knees, tearing shirt open and baring his battered chest to the world*

"Ah! Now I get it!" said Meowth.

Jessie gave him a quizzical look.

"James, here, has lost his mojo!" he explained. "Thinkin' dat he was a Moltres
made him feel all shagadellic!
Tom: *holds up a picture of a Piloswine*

…Y’ want t’ feel like this?
(Guardian’s Song: Yes, I know what that actually means. Tom doesn’t, though. :P)
But Botch and Crappidy took dat away from him --
dey stole his mojo, just like Dr. Evil!"
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) That assumes he had any mojo to steal in the first place.

Jessie facefaulted. "I hate to admit this, but your Austin Powers metaphor
actually makes sense!"
Jerry: It DOES?

"That's exactly it," I muttered. "I feel like my mojo's a no-go. I just don't
feel like I'm good enough for you, Jess...."
Guardian’s Song: …You were good enough for her starting months ago. Are you feeling all right?

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| ||

Meowth smirked. "Well, if you'd a stayed and watched the rest a the movie with
us instead a bein' Mr. Misery and stompin' off, ya woulda remembered what
happened ta Austin's mojo...and ya woulda seen why what happened ta you ain't no
big deal."

I closed my eyes again and recalled what happened in the movie. "Hmmm...if I
remember correctly, he never got his mojo back -- when Dr. Evil threw the vial
it was in, Austin didn't catch it in time, and it shattered on the floor."

Meowth nodded. "Dat's right! But he still ended up bein' the most shagadellic
secret agent of all time cuz he learned dat mojo ain't some green liquid in a
tube -- it's a state of mind! He never really lost his mojo cuz he had it all
along, and it ain't no different with you, Jimmy!"
Tom: (Meowth) Except ya neva had any mojo to lose! Dat’s the oinly difference, though.

I smiled at Jessie. "You're right, Jess. This Austin Powers stuff really does
make sense!"
Jerry: Can we just declare this entire fic to be an example of What Do You Mean, It Wasn’t Made On Drugs?

She nodded. "Yeah! So you see, James? You didn't need a silly fortuneHYPHEN!telling
book -- you had those Moltres powers the whole time!"
Jerry: I’d like him never to exhibit those “Moltres powers” again, if you don’t mind. He *jerks thumb at Tom* mocks James enough without having actual ammunition.

I hung my head again. "But that's the problem!" I moaned. "I'm NOT a Moltres!
The real book says I'm a loser!"
Tom: Fer once, astrology comes through.

Jessie placed her hand on my shoulder. "James, if we'd found the real book this
morning, and I'd told you that you were a Magikarp-type, would you have cared?"

I felt tears stinging my eyes as I looked up at her. "I...I suppose not," I
admitted. "I didn't really care at first when the fake book said I was a
Moltres. I guess I would've laughed it off and thought it was just a hoax if
it'd been the real book, too."

"Then why can't you do that now?" she asked.
Jerry: For the drama and wangst?
"And don't tell me it's because you
know the fortuneHYPHEN!telling is real. The fake book's predictions may have come
true, but they were fake! That proves they were only coincidences...just like
you said!"
Guardian’s Song: And here starts the actual good moral of the fic.

Unfortunately, then she does a screeching 180^O turn and wrecks it, but this part is actually sweet and heartening. I wish she’d just ended it after this…

"Hmmm...good point," I said as I rubbed my eyes and brushed the tears away.

"And I don't need to see the real book to know that it's just a hoax, too,"
Jessie continued. "James, the real book is completely different from the fake
one. I'm betting that it has a completely different horoscope for you today. And
if all of the fake book's predictions came true, it means the real book is way
off-base!"

I thought for a moment about the real book. I hadn't really read everything it
said about me because I was so shocked to find out that I was a Magikarp, but I
did manage to skim over a few parts. "Well...the real book says that the
Magikarp-type is prone to clumsiness and stupidity, and...."
Tom: An’ that’s dead-on.
Jerry: Does it also say the Poliwrath-type is prone to having everyone forget his name?
Tom: I – An’ what gives y’ th’ idea that Butch’s a Poliwrath?
Jerry: Well, he’s aggressive, so I guess it fits, but I was mostly making the obvious frog joke…

Jessie began to laugh.

"I don't see what's so funny," I grumbled.

"James, if that's what the book says about you, then that REALLY proves it's
just a big, steaming pile of Tauros crap!" she said.

"It does?"

Jessie nodded and put her arms around me, bringing my head down and resting it
on her breasts. I closed my eyes and smiled -- her body felt so warm and soft,
and she smelled wonderful...like strawberries. My smile grew even wider as she
ran her fingers through my hair and massaged my temples.
Tom: Y’ have yer face buried in her chest, an’ yer thinkin’a how nice she smells?
Jerry: Well, he’s already been sleeping with her for weeks, so I think that’s reasonable.
Tom: …Eh. I almost believed y’, until I remembered that grabbin’ his rear –
Jerry: Do you have to remind me?

"You're not clumsy, James," she whispered. "You may stumble or drop things every
now and then, but so what? Everybody does that! Even though you have your klutzy
moments, you're still one of the most graceful people around. You're a wonderful
dancer, a fast runner, a skilled marksman, and you're one hell of an acrobat,
too! It's a rare person who's blessed with agility like that.
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) – and still manages to flub all his missions.
So if that book
says you're clumsy, then it couldn't be more wrong!
Guardian’s Song: Point conceded. When the Rockets want to be coordinated, they are. All right, all right, Cori Falls… You win that one.

"And I don't give a damn what Butch, Cassidy, or anybody else says -- you're not
stupid either!" she continued. "With all of the machines you've designed and
built, everything you know about computers, and plants, and cooking,
Guardian’s Song: Also conceded – the Rockets are uncanny savants at designing machines, traps, and miscellaneous devices on a shoestring budget with almost no notice. And they also possess exceptional skill at costume design and theatrics.

It’s as if they’re talented at everything but their actual job.
and art,
your keen analytical mind, your wit...
Guardian’s Song: …That’s going a bit too far, though.
not to mention all of the intellectual,
philosophical, and literary discussions we've had over the years,
Tom: It sporks itself!
Jerry: What?! I mean – What?
don't you DARE
call yourself stupid or let anybody make you think you are! Anybody who thinks
you're dumb doesn't know you at all, because you're smart, James! VERY smart!"

I returned Jessie's embrace and cuddled closer to her. "Thanks, Jess."

"It's just the truth," she replied as her hands moved from my temples and began
to massage my back and shoulders.

"Dat's right!" said Meowth. "Even if dat book sez the Magikarp-type sucks, it
don't describe you at all! If yer a Magikarp-type, den yer anythin' BUT a
typical one!"

"Yeah!" Jessie agreed. "And Moltres, Magikarp -- no matter what that book says
you are -- it DOESN'T change the fact that you kicked some serious ass today!
And actually, the fact that you're not a Moltres makes what you did all the more
impressive!"

I looked up at her again. "It does?"

Jessie smiled and caressed my cheek. "Yes," she replied. "Think about it, James!
You broke ropes with a mere flex of your muscles! You mopped the floor with
Cassidy and her Raticate, and you didn't take any crap from Butch either! And
you did one hell of a good job of turning me on! But since you were never a
Moltres-type to begin with, that means all the stuff you did today didn't come
from Moltres at all -- it came from YOU! All of that strength, all of that
courage, all of that ingenuity, all of that sexiness -- that was pure James!
That's who you really are, and that's never going to change, no matter what the
stars may say!"

The smile returned to my lips as I thought about everything Jessie had just
said. She's right! I didn't need that stupid book -- I've had those amazing
powers all along!
Guardian’s Song: Awwwwwww. *actually smiling* Minus the swearing and the parts I struck out about the actual romantic relationship, I could see this speech in canon. That was actually heart-warming.

And now we’re heading into some traditional Cori Falls sap, but as her sap goes, it’s pretty good. It actually does have a positive message, and breaks from her usual victims-of-fate wangsting. Let’s appreciate this while it lasts, shall we?

"Besides," Jessie continued as she ran her fingers through my hair once again,
"you've always told me that you believe in people making their own destinies,
not letting the stars or anything else do it for them."

"Yeah," I said. "That's something my grand-papa taught me. He said I should
never let my parents, Jessiebelle, or anybody else try to make me somebody that
I'm not. He said I should never allow them or anybody else to run my life...."
My voice caught in my throat for a minute as more tears filled my eyes. "I
remember...that was his final wish. Before he died, he told me that he wanted me
to make my own destiny. That's what gave me the courage to give up my
inheritance and my home...that's what led me to find you, Jessie...."

The tears began to fall from my eyes as I said this. Jessie gently brushed them
away and kissed me on the forehead. "Your grand-papa was a very wise man,
James...and he did a great job, raising a very wise grandson," she whispered.
"That's why you shouldn't listen to anything those silly fortuneHYPHEN!telling books
say. You never let your family control your life, and you can't let a horoscope
control your life either. You're smarter than that...and your grand-papa raised
you better than that!"

I continued to cry as I thought about my grand-papa, and Jessie just held me and
rocked me back and forth. After a few minutes, I regained my composure and
looked back at her. "You're right, Jessie," I muttered. "Grand-papa would think
I was being silly if he knew how carried away I got today."

"You WERE being silly," she agreed. "But all of the stuff you did was still damn
sexy. I can forgive you for being such a nut since you meant well. Just promise
me you won't get carried away with anything like this again or let that stupid
book ruin your life, okay?"

I brushed the last of my tears away and smiled at her once more. "Okay."

"So, you're cool with this now?" she ventured. "You don't mind being a
Magikarp?"

My smile became a grin. "Yeah! My mojo is back, baby!"

Jessie laughed and hugged me again. "I love you, sweetie!" she said, planting
another kiss on my forehead.

I hugged back and pressed my lips to hers. "I love you too, Jessie."

"Awwww! Dat's groovy, baby!" Meowth said as we continued to kiss. "I really hate
ta break up yer little love-fest, but I'm starvin'! Whaddaya say we have dinner
before dose pizzas get cold?"

Jessie and I broke from our embrace and smiled at him. "Sounds good to us!"
Guardian’s Song: And, modulo Cori’s usual melodrama, I actually like this part and feel it’s pretty in-character, given the context that James and Jessie are in love and James had a grandfather who deeply influenced his life and private beliefs. I mean… no, it’s not quite in-character, since Cori never quite managed to grasp the proper tone, but, for the sections I specified, I would accept the writing as flawed but touching and probably leave a friendly review on the fic complimenting the author on having taken James’s humiliation at finding out he wasn’t a Moltres and using it to motivate fluff and character growth. I’m actually nowhere near as picky as I come across in my sporkings. I’m a live-and-let-live sort of person…

…So can we pretend the fic ends HERE? I’d really rather we did.

But this is a sporking, and so I’m going to endure the next *physically winces* ~8,600 words. Because, unfortunately, that’s when we have one of the most unintentionally funny moments in all of Cori Falls’s fanfiction, and that’s saying a lot.

@->->-

The three of us spent the rest of the evening sitting together on the bed,
eating pizza and watching TV. I hadn't had pizza in ages, and the ones that
Jessie and Meowth had ordered were some of the best I'd ever tasted. They had
pepperoni, green peppers, and mushrooms on them -- my favorite toppings -- and
there was so much cheese that it practically made the golden crust collapse! The
cola was some of the best I'd ever tasted, too -- sweet, cold, and bubbly.
Jerry: …Isn’t that what most cola tastes like? What have you been drinking?
Tom: (James) You mean that really WASN’T Mountain Dew in that bottle?
When
money is short and food is hard to come by (which had certainly been the case
with us of late), practically anything tastes good, but this dinner would have
been excellent, even if we did get to eat more often.

{snip, they watch TV}

And as good as the food and the television shows were, even better things were
in store, as I would soon find out....

@->->-

Once Iron Chef was over, Meowth turned off the TV and jumped down from the bed.
"Ya know, I think I saw a game-room over by the lobby. I'm gonna go shoot some
pool," he said.
Jerry: (Hotel Staff) Is that a Meowth playing pool unsupervised? …You know, I knew I shouldn’t have raided the minibar after-hours. I’m going to bed. And never touching absinthe again.

"Have fun!" Jessie called to him as he headed for the door.

"You, too!" he replied, giving us a sly wink.

After he'd taken his leave, Jessie turned to me and smiled. "You know what this
means, James?" she whispered seductively as she unbuttoned my pajama top once
again.

I returned her smile. "It means we've got this whole room to ourselves for the
night!"
Tom: (James) And now we can determine once and for all which one of us looks better in this negligee!

"So...are you going to keep your promise and fulfill all of my desires now?" she
asked.
Jerry: (James) Including the ones about infinite wealth and awesome power over all you survey? Uh, Jessie, I –
(Jessie) Well, right now I’m only surveying you, so down on your hands and knees, peon!

"I certainly am," I replied, sliding off my shirt.

Jessie grinned. "Then start fulfilling, James! I've been waiting all day for
this!"
Jerry: *clamps hands over eyes* I don’t want to look…

Slowly, I reached over and unlaced the top of Jessie's nightie. She then took my
hands in her own and placed them on her breasts.
Tom: He’s got t’ be prompted? Y’ not doin’ anythin’ fer those rumors’a homosexuality, Falls.
Keeping my hands in place,
Jessie rose to her knees and let the rest of her nightie fall off. Then, she
leaned closer and pressed her lips to mine as she reached down and pulled off my
pajama pants and boxer shorts. As we continued to kiss, I removed my hands from
her breasts and wrapped them around her waist, pulling her completely into me.
Keeping every inch of her body pressed to mine, Jessie slowly lowered herself
into my lap and put me inside of her.
Tom: *shudders in a fit of PTSD from Anita Blake*
Jerry: He only means part of him went inside of her.
Tom: I ain’t believin’ that until I’ve seen evidence! Did y’ see what that thing did to that CHAIR?

I closed my eyes and sighed contentedly. Jessie's skin felt so smooth as it
brushed against my own, and her hair felt like silk as I ran my fingers through
it.
Tom: An’ y’ can’t think’a any other parts y’ might be feelin’ right now? Any other parts? Just yer hands an’ skin?
Guardian’s Song: On the one hand, Cori Falls’s sex scenes have the advantage over stereotypical sex scenes that she focuses on the sensations and sights, sounds, smells, sensations, and so on and so forth far more than the genitals. That’s a refreshing change.

On the other hand, she forgets that they have genitals. That’s… not such a refreshing change.

"Oh, James," she moaned softly, wrapping her arms around me and caressing the
back of my neck with her delicate fingers. Her touch sent sweet chills of
pleasure through my entire body.
Tom: Yer neck? Yer neck?

Yer unmentionables are getting’ “caressed” by her unmentionables, an’ yer obsessin’ about yer NECK?

"Jessie," I whispered back as I covered her with
Tom: - shagadellic Piloswines.
soft kisses. My lips moved
along her chest and shoulders, and then to her neck and her face. When my mouth
closed over hers, Jessie moaned once more and opened her mouth wider. As our
kiss deepened, we held each other as close as possible, never wanting to let
go...never wanting the moment to end.
Jerry: *narrating* - and then came an all-too-familiar scream of “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BUFFET!”, our only warning before…

And as I held Jessie in my arms and made love to her, I thought again about
everything that had happened today. It was, indeed, silly to think that one
little fortuneHYPHEN!telling book could make or break my life. I didn't have to be a
Moltres to be strong, or brave, or worthy of Jessie's love -- all I had to be
was myself! Even if I have been a Magikarp all along, I've never let that stop
me from trying to reach my dreams or finding true love...and I never will!
Guardian’s Song: I wish those lines weren’t in the middle of a sex scene. They deserve better company.

When we finished a couple of hours later, Jessie and I remained in our embrace
and laid together in bed.

"I said it last night, and I'll say it again -- you're an incredible lover,
James!" Jessie told me.
Tom: (Jessie) You always leave me incredulous.

I smiled at her and blushed.

"I don't care if you're not a Moltres -- you still light my fire like nobody's
business!" she continued.

"Thanks," I whispered, pulling her closer and caressing her bare skin.

Jessie closed her eyes and sighed happily as she rested her head on my chest. "I
love you so much, James," she muttered.

As Jessie drifted off to sleep, I smoothed back her crimson hair and gave her a
kiss on the forehead. "I love you, too," I echoed.

Once she'd fallen asleep, I found my thoughts drifting to my grand-papa once
more. For some reason, I kept thinking about the dream I'd had last summer where
I saw him and got to talk to him for awhile. I remember how he'd told me never
to doubt that he was proud of me and what I'd done with my life.
Guardian’s Song: (James) You’re proud of me becoming a career thief and repeatedly trying – and failing – to mug little kids?
(James’s Grandfather) Sure! Where did you think the family wealth came from, sonny? I was an early investor in Team Rocket! I may be a friendly grandfather, but I wasn’t a nice man!
I don't think
he would've been too proud of how carried away I got today, but thanks to
everything he taught me...and a little reminder from Jessie, it had all turned
out okay in the end.

Jessie. As I looked again at my beautiful lover, resting peacefully in my arms,
I recalled what grand-papa had said about her as well. He'd told me that he was
proud of me for choosing her...for falling in love with somebody who could
accept me the way I am
Tom: (James) But Grandpa, I’m not in love with Victreebel!
and make me happy. He'd also said that he was proud of me
for having the courage to stay by her side, no matter what. But then, how could
I not do everything in my power to stay by my Jessie's side? If there's one
thing I know about destiny, it's that Jess and I are bound by it. I'm no fortune
teller, but I do know that the two of us will be together forever, no matter how
Guardian’s Song: - long ~ from now until the end of time ~ We’ll be together, of that you can be sure ~ Together and a day, that’s how long we’ll stay ~ together and forever more~
difficult things may be at times!

You were right after all, grand-papa! I said to myself as I joined Jessie in
sleep. My friends and I will prevail over all adversities...and someday we'll
find that white tomorrow you promised....

@->->-

I awoke the next morning to the most beautiful sight imaginable -- Jessie still
asleep in my arms as golden sunlight streamed through the window and played upon
her gorgeous body.
Tom: (Golden Sunlight) I’m more heterosexual than you are, you chump.
I thought again about everything she'd told me the night
before and how she'd restored my shattered confidence, and it made her all the
more beautiful in my eyes.

So, I decided to do something to show Jessie how much she meant to me and how
much I appreciated what she'd done for me -- I decided to surprise her with
breakfast in bed.
Jerry: …What is WITH her obsession with food?!
Guardian’s Song: There’s “write what you know”, and then there’s the Cooking Channel.

"I love you, Jess," I whispered as I gently pulled myself from her arms and
tucked the sheets around her.

Jessie sighed contentedly and smiled in her sleep.

I returned the smile and caressed her cheek.

After setting up my waffle iron, I opened the mini-fridge and got out the
ingredients I was going to need for the breakfast I had planned. Then, I mixed
them all together, making batter for Belgian waffles.

While the waffle iron was heating, Jessie awoke and came to my side.

"Good morning, handsome," she said as she snaked her arms around my waist.

"Good morning, beautiful," I echoed, pouring some batter onto the iron and
closing it.

Jessie sniffed the air and tightened her hold on me. "That smells wonderful!
You're the best cook!"

I smiled at her. "Well, somebody as wonderful as you deserves nothing but the
best!" I replied.

Jessie smiled back and tousled my hair. "You're definitely the best, James!"
Tom: What are they, opposite-sex clones?
Guardian’s Song: Invoketh not the Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles, even in jest. You want to talk about a complete breakdown in Earth Logic, buddy-boy? Just keep on that line of thought…

"Thanks, Jess."

"James?" she said after a moment.

"What is it, honey?" I asked.

She blushed a little. "Do you think...I could help you make breakfast?"

"Jessie, I'm doing this to show you how grateful I am for what you did last
night," I told her. "You don't have to do a thing."

Jessie smirked. "I know that! But I love your cooking lessons even more than I
love your cooking!"

I smirked back. "Oh, you want a cooking lesson, do you?"

She blushed again. "Pretty please, James?"
Jerry: …This is reading uncomfortably like foreplay. I’m beginning to wonder if Miss Falls actually had a fetish.
Tom: Y’ mean this is all literal food-porn fer her? Just great…

I laughed. "How can I say no?" With that, I swept Jessie into my arms and seated
her in my lap. Then, I put my spatula into her hand and opened the waffle iron.

Jessie cuddled into me and rested her head on my shoulder. "What do I do,
James?" she asked playfully.

I wrapped my left arm around her waist and placed my right hand over hers. "You
pick the waffle up with the spatula, like so...." I guided her hand and helped
her lift the waffle from the iron. "....And then you put it on a plate to cool,
like so...." I guided her hand again and helped her put the first of the waffles
onto the serving platter.

"Just like that?" she asked.

"Just like that," I echoed.

Jessie giggled. "Yay! I can make waffles!"

"Very good, Jess," I told her. "You get a reward!"

"Oh? And what would that be?" she asked, turning her head slightly and gazing
into my eyes.

I pushed her hair aside and planted a kiss on her neck. "How about that?"

She sighed as my lips touched her soft, creamy skin. "Mmmm...that'll do just
fine!"
Jerry: Um, this is really -

I pulled Jessie closer and kissed her again. "You're getting to be a pretty good
cook, sweetheart!" I told her.

"Well, with lessons like yours, how could I not?" she replied. "Keep it up, and
I'll be a gourmet chef!"

I chuckled as Jessie turned herself around and placed her hands on my shoulders.
Then, she leaned closer and pressed her lips to mine.

I love giving Jessie "cooking lessons" -- I give them to her whenever I get the
chance. I hold her hands and sit her on my lap while I cook, and I let her help
me prepare the food. And every time she learns her "lesson," I reward her with a
kiss...or better. I'll admit it's not the fastest way to cook, and sometimes
Jess is more of a hindrance than a help, but I don't really mind. Being close to
her is more important to me than food. And besides, she's so damn sexy! How can
I resist?
Jerry: It IS foreplay! This IS some sort of turn-on for her! Oh, good grief! I will NEVER be able to look at all the descriptions of food the same way again!
Tom: What th’ Muk?! Y’ mean she was slippin’ it past us all along?!
Guardian’s Song: D: This must just be a coincidence! It must be!

When our kiss ended, we rested our foreheads together and smiled at each other.
"Why don't we finish making those waffles?" I said. "If they turn out good, I'll
give you another reward after breakfast!"

Jessie's smile became a grin, and I could feel her heart racing. "Then let's get
cooking!" she exclaimed.

I placed my hands over Jessie's as she turned around once more and picked up the
bowl of batter. Then, I guided her hands as she poured the batter onto the iron,
set the bowl down, and closed the lid. While the second waffle was cooking, I
hugged Jessie to me and covered her face and neck with kisses.
Tom: With this lady, that’s hardcore porn. After all, that’s where th’… erogenous zones (that’s it) are fer her characters.
Jerry: *still traumatized* No, you forgot the buttocks.
Tom: Oh, yeah.
After a few
minutes, I guided her hands again as she picked up the spatula and used it to
put the waffle onto the plate. The second waffle looked as fluffy and golden as
the first, and I rewarded Jessie with another kiss.

We continued like this until all of the batter was gone, and the serving platter
was stacked with warm, sweet Belgian waffles. After unplugging the waffle iron,
I ran my finger along the sides of the bowl and coated it with some of the
remaining batter. I then placed my finger to Jessie's lips and let her lick the
batter from it. Once she'd finished, she reached into the bowl and covered her
own finger with batter. Then, she touched her finger to my lips and let me lick
the batter, too.

"Very tasty," she muttered seductively.

"Very," I agreed.

When we scraped the sides of the bowl and licked each other's fingers a second
time, Meowth walked through the door and snickered. "Hey! Are youse guys makin'
breakfast, or is dis just some new kinda foreplay?"
Jerry: *buries face in hands and sobs*
Tom: Meowth, y’ve got NO idea...

Jessie looked at him and smirked. "A little bit of both," came her reply.

Meowth sweatdropped. "I think I just lost my appetite."
Jerry: Meowth speaks for us all. *sob*
Tom: Yer tellin’ me.

"Oh, knock it off!" she said. "It's not like we had sex on the table or
anything!"

"Yeah, DERE'S an image I wanted!" he grumbled.
Jerry: He really speaks for us all!

"Fine," I said as I picked up the plate of waffles and brought it to the table.
"If you don't want any, then don't eat any! It's just more for me and Jess!"

His eyes widened, and he quickly seated himself. "No, no! I'll have some! Just
don't talk about...ya know. Not while we're eatin', anyway."
Jerry: No! Don’t betray us for thirty crumbs of Belgian waffles!

{snip, they eat}

@->->-

After breakfast, Meowth offered to wash the dishes for me and Jessie since we'd
done all of the cooking. And since we couldn't very well "reward" each other
while he was in the room (not unless we wanted to be the butt of his raunchy
jokes, anyway),
Jerry: *BRAIN BLEACH*
we had to find a way to keep ourselves occupied until we had
some privacy.

So, I decided to get out my laptop and check our e-mail.

Once I'd booted up the computer and connected to the internet, I logged into our
e-mail account. We don't really get that much mail, but we hadn't been online in
days, and I wanted to check it anyway.

And I'm glad that I did because we actually had a new message today -- a message
from Mermaid4@gymtrainers.cerulean.net.
Guardian’s Song: Kudos for the sensible e-mail address, Miss Falls.

Now, remind me why MISTY is e-mailing the people who try to mug her love interest, her, and their friend on a regular basis?

"Hey! It's Misty!" said Jessie. "I wonder what she wants."
Tom: Yer head onna stick?

"Only one way to find out," I replied as I opened the message and began to read:


Hey, guys!

Just thought I'd drop u a line and let u know that I'm soooooo sorry 4 what I
did yesterday. I didn't mean 2 blast u off.
Guardian’s Song: What? …WHAT?!

“"Raticate! Skull Bash attack!" Cassidy screamed.

When I looked up, I saw the rat charging towards us at full-tilt. Then, he
slammed into us and sent us blasting off.

"I told you Moltres would triumph! Now I'm flying high!" I said as my friends
and I were launched into the sky.”
What is she TALKING ABOUT?

I was just mad cos that fake fortune
telling book said I was a Gyrados! (Can u believe that? Me? A Gyrados? LOL!)
Jerry: *raises head from hands* Yes, and frankly, we could believe both you and Jessie had the same horoscope.
Anyway, I was kinda grouchy with everybody cos of that. It wasn't personal, and
I'm sorry. ^_^*

Oh, and I've got some good news 4 u! After Butch and Cassidy blasted u off,
Guardian’s Song: Miss Falls – Miss Falls, are you feeling all right? You just – I mean –

Okay, in the original episode, I guess Misty might have blasted them off early in the episode. However, in this fic? That never happened. So Misty cannot mention it in an e-mail.

Arrrrrrgh! What’s wrong with her? She’s usually very good about her own continuity! Was she sick the week she wrote this, or something? D8 This is nuts!
Ash,
Brock, and I took care of them. They're back in jail! ^_^ I know u hate them cos
they're so mean and evil,
Jerry: There’s knocking the reader over the head with the author’s point of view, and then there’s knocking the reader over the head with a sledgehammer.
Tom: An’ anyway, it’s wrong. They obviously hate ‘em ‘cause they’re so much better’n they are, an’ they ain’t got any compunctions about rubbin’ it in.
Jerry: *annoyed* Your bias is showing, you know that?
so I thought you'd be happy 2 know about that. Plus,
as a reward, Officer Jenny gave us a copy of the real fortune telling book, and
guess what!!!!! B&C did a really crappy job copying that fake book -- it isn't
anything like the real one! That means I'm not really a Gyrados, so yay!!! ^___^
Jerry: Also – does it really seem like Misty talks like this? Or would talk in chatspeak in an e-mail? If anyone, maybe Ash would…


My spirits sank for a moment as I read about Misty finding the real book. She
seemed to be happy with whatever her new sign was, and with their luck, her
friends probably all had good signs, too...and that just reminded me of how much
my sign sucked.
Jerry: *sigh* We should have had a wangst count…
Guardian’s Song: We’d be here all MONTH.

Suddenly, I felt Jessie place her hand on my shoulder and give me a gentle
squeeze. I looked over at her and saw that she was smiling at me. And as I gazed
into Jessie's beautiful blue eyes, I reminded myself that it didn't matter that
I was a Magikarp because she loved me for who I was. And besides, Butch and
Cassidy were in jail again! That was definitely good news!
Tom: An’ they’ll be right back out again. Suckers.

With rekindled spirit, I took Jessie's hand in my own and continued to read:


And OMG!!! The real book is soooo cool! It says my sign is Tentacruel!
Guardian’s Song: What?
I just
loooove Tentacruel!!!!
Guardian’s Song: What?
They're so pretty and strong and awesome!
Guardian’s Song: I can’t tell if this is supposed to be Misty’s point of view and Cori’s laughing at her, or Cori honestly believes this!
It's the
perfect sign 4 me! So much better than nasty old Gyrados! ^____^
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) Did we mention that our ‘fake’ actually corrected the signs to their proper readings? The real one was horribly inaccurate.
Jerry: So James is a Moltres?
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) If it gets him to humiliate himself more in public… sure, why not?
Brock is really
happy, too. The fake book said his sign was Onix. He liked that sign, and it
really fit him, so he was kinda nervous when we got the real book, but guess
what! The real book says he's an Onix, too! (I guess B&C got *one* thing right,
after all. hehe)
Tom: What a coinkidink.
Ash isn't too happy though. The fake book said he was a
Bellsprout, and he hated that, but he doesn't like his real sign either -- the
real book says he's a Mr. Mime! XD
Guardian’s Song: …That’s an insult?

Besides, it’s nonsense. If Ash was a mime, wouldn’t he be quieter? And if he was a Mr. Mime, wouldn’t he be better at blocking Charmeleon’s attacks?
He was even angrier than I was about being a
Gyrados when he saw that! It makes sense though -- that time he dressed like a
Mr. Mime, his own mom couldn't tell him apart from a real one...and neither
could u or anybody else! LOL! I guess that fortune telling book is pretty
accurate, ne? ^_~


Jessie laughed when she read this. "See, James? It could've been worse! Magikarp
might not be very strong, but at least it's not goofy like Mr. Mime!"
Guardian’s Song: I seem to recall that Mr. Mime was rather important for Psychic Stall decks back in the early days of the TCG. It’s not necessarily an insult.

I laughed, too. "Yeah!"

And while we were looking up our b-days, we looked up some other ones, too. We
found out that Tracey is a Muk....

Jessie laughed again. "Oh, my god! There's another one that's worse than
Magikarp!"

I covered my mouth with my hand and snickered. "Yeah! I'd rather be a floppy
fish than a big, smelly blob any day!"
Tom: (Tracey) Yeah, right. I’m going to go get employed by Koga in time for Heart Gold/Soul Silver. Have fun, guys – I’m going to be equipped with Leftovers, have Sludge Bomb at the ready, and have a ton of Defense and HP. I know I’m going to be having fun.

Jessie leaned over and kissed my cheek.


....We also found out that Professor Oak is a Dragonite,
Jerry: And I don’t even know where that came from. Shouldn’t he be a Alakazam? Or, given that this is post-Orange-Islands, a Slowking?
and Gary is an
Arcanine.
Jerry: Um… I don’t think so.
Guardian’s Song: How about a Nidoking? Powerful and arrogant.
OMG!!! U should've seen Ash when he read Gary's horoscope! He was all
like, "Ooooh, that GARY!!! >_<" I think he's jealous cos Gary has a cool sign,
and he doesn't like his. I swear, he can be so competitive sometimes. -___-
Jerry: You didn’t need to explain the joke.
Anyway, the point of this (besides owing u an apology) is that I wanted 2 ask
what ure b-days are so I can look up ure signs! James looked really sad when he
found out he wasn't a Moltres, and Jessie, did u say something about being
disappointed that u weren't an Eevee?
Jerry: (Jessie) *facepalm* Get a hearing aid! I was disappointed that I WAS!
That really sux that B&C messed with u
like that. =( But who knows? Maybe it's like Brock and they didn't get ure
horoscopes wrong, or maybe it's like me and ure real signs are even better than
the fake ones! If u let me know ure b-days, I'll be happy 2 look them up 4 u!
^___^

Hope 2 chat soon!
Jerry: (Misty) …As I blast you off again. You jerks keep trying to steal all our Pokémon! I wouldn’t be happily e-mailing you like this in a thousand years!

-- Misty


When we finished reading the message, Jessie and I exchanged looks.

"Should I tell her that we already have a copy of the real book?" I asked.

"Yeah, we should," Jessie replied. "That was nice of her to offer, though."

I nodded. But just as I was about to hit the reply button, Jessie placed her
hand over mine and stopped me.

"Wait."

"What is it, Jess?"

"Well," she said, "before we say anything, why don't we look at that book
again?"
Guardian’s Song: Here it is, folks. Take cover!

I raised an eyebrow. "What's the point? I don't care about anything it has to
say anymore."

"I know. But I meant just for fun," she told me. "We can read your horoscope to
see just how wrong it is...."

Meowth finished washing the dishes and joined us. "Yeah! Dat oughtta be good for
a few laughs!"

"And I never got the chance to look up my real sign," she continued. "I don't
really care what the book says either, but I am curious."

I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. They had a point -- the book may have
been right about Misty and her friends, but it couldn't have been more wrong
about me!
Tom: An’ y’ goin’ t’ switch yer position on this in a moment, I just know y’ are.
It'd be fun to take another look and see just how unreliable it was!
Jessie placed her hand on my shoulder once again. "Just keep in mind that no
matter what that book says, you have to take it with a grain of salt. Remember
that episode of That's My Shrubb! where Dubya was calling the psychic hotline,
and the fortune teller turned out to be some big fat guy who was just playing
solitaire with the Tarot cards?"
Guardian’s Song: For the love of –

Look. What is the POINT of including George W. Bush (or “Shrubb”) in the Pokémon world? What is the POINT? For gad’s sakes. WHAT. IS. THE. POINT.

I mean, thanks for shoving your real-life politics down our throats, Miss Falls. Really. My real-life politics include punishing thieves and con artists for their crimes rather than bawling about their tragic pasts, and putting unreformed crooks who have literally committed hundreds of crimes and show no signs of repentance or remorse what-so-bloody-ever into jail for a good, long time. Yes, tell me how unsympathetic I am. I really don’t care about the delicate and nuanced feelings of people who have made a lifestyle out of harming others. You know how you gloat about Butch and Cassidy being thrown in the slammer? If we’re bringing real life into this, Jessie and James should be right beside them.

Keep your politics the heck out of fanfiction, or bring them in all the way – with all the harsh reality that implies. Either “Judge not, lest ye be judged” – or do Ayn Rand’s version, and “Judge, and prepare to be judged”. But don’t pull this nonsense where you get to go after others all you like, but the moment you get attacked – even as a counterattack – you start screaming and bawling about how MEAN everyone is and CRUEL and INTOLERANT and UNCARING, wah wah wah. There is nothing… nothing that sets my temper off more. Nothing.

Meowth facefaulted. "I can't believe dat moron has his own show," he grumbled.

"He doesn't!" said Jessie. "It's just a satire that shows what an idiot W.
Shrubb is!
Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) Excellent. With our habit of being, ah, inspired by you, we’ll start a satire dedicated to showing what idiots you two are!

We’ll call it the Pokémon anime!
Didn't you see who the executive producers are?"

He shook his head.

"Rhiannon and Laine!" she told him.

Meowth's eyes widened. "Ya mean the friends of dose girls who put us in dere
comic book?"

"Yep. That's them."

This made him laugh.

I couldn't help but laugh, too. I still remembered how much fun Jessie, Meowth,
and I had dressing up as superheroes and kicking W. Shrubb out of office a
couple of months ago...
Guardian’s Song: Wonderful! Tell us more about your magnificent regime changes, Jessie and James! Especially when you ARE literal international criminals, whether or not you’ve ever gotten served charges for it!

Funny, I can’t tell why you hate Bush so much – sounds like you’re REAL fans of the Bush Doctrine!
and what a nice surprise it was when we found out that
Celes and Terra had chronicled our adventure in a best-selling comic series. It
Guardian’s Song: (Jessie and James) – had promptly gotten us convicted for our repeated attempted burglaries, assaults and batteries, muggings, fraudulent activities, aaaand so on and so forth, as chronicled in the comics… Thanks a lot, Final-Fantasy-named people!
was nice to know that their two friends had become the producers of a hit sitcom
in the wake of those events.

"The point is, you have to remember that you can't count on fortuneHYPHEN!telling to
predict your whole life," Jessie continued. "I said it last night, and I'll say
it again -- you're smarter than that, James.
Tom: Obviously, he ain’t.
And no matter what your horoscope
may say, you're strong enough to defy it and make your own destiny."
Tom: If it’s just a load’a hooey, there’s nothin’ t’ defy! What’re y’ talkin’ about?

I smiled at her. "You're right, Jess! It's for entertainment purposes only!"

"Den whatta we waitin' for? Let's get dat book!" Meowth exclaimed.

Jessie grinned and pulled the book out of my backpack. Then, she began to flip
through the pages. "First, we'll look up my birthday!" she said. "Here it is --
December 13th! It says...." Suddenly, her face lit up.

My smile grew even wider. It was obviously something good. "What does it say,
Jess?" I asked.

"Ah! I'm a Ninetales!" she cheered. "It says here that the Ninetales-type has a
propensity for grace and physical beauty. And just like a real Ninetales, the
Ninetales-type also has a keen intellect and a fiery temper!"
Tom: …An’ y remember what y’ just said about it bein’ just fer entertainment? And not havin’ anythin’ t’ do with reality?

Meowth folded his arms across his chest and smiled. "Dat sure sounds like you,
Jess!"

Jessie blushed. "I knew it! I'm an elegant Ninetales, after all! This is even
better than Eevee!"
Jerry: You know, you could consider that Eevees are adaptable, changeable, and filled with potential…
Guardian’s Song: Yeah, Cori Falls just doesn’t seem to consider that it would fit her themes for Jessie and James to both be filled with potential for greatness once they moved on in their lives. I guess she considers it an insult – How DARE anyone suggest they’re not perfect already?

I put an arm around Jessie's shoulders and gave her a kiss. Then, I looked at
her horoscope and read a little more of it. "This also says that in matters of
romance, the Ninetales-type's fiery nature is best matched by a cool ice or
water sign."
Jerry: *under breath* You could as easily say that it’s best when reinforced by a fellow fire-sign. This is just silly.

Jessie smiled again and returned my embrace. "Well, Magikarp is a
water-type...and we're a perfect match! I guess that part is right, too!"

"Maybe there's something to it, after all," I said.
Tom: Y’ really only pay attention t’ it when it’s nice fer y’, don’tcha?

She nodded. "But it's still not completely accurate -- let's look at your
horoscope again!"
Tom: Y’ know, forget this. There’s only one video that can properly answer this entire darn fic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIwdSzvIfIM&feature=related

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Okay."

"What page was your birthday on, James?"

"Page 50."

"Alrighty, then!"

Here goes nothing.... I said to myself as I listened to Jessie flipping through
the pages again.

"Ah, here it is! Page 50. It says...uh...."
Jerry: (Jessie) …You were born female?
Tom: I thought y’ didn’t make jokes about him?
Jerry: *sigh* In these stories, do you have a choice?

I opened my eyes again. "What does it say, Jess?"

Jessie gave me a quizzical look. "James, how much of this did you actually look
at?" she asked.

I felt my throat tightening. What was wrong?! "Well...I looked up my birthday,
just like in the other book, and saw that my sign was Magikarp, and skimmed over
some of the horoscope. Why do you ask?"
Jerry: (Jessie) Because it says you have a penchant for masochism, Victreebels, and jaywalking.
(James) I didn’t realize TV Tropes did horoscopes.

"Well, you obviously didn't look closely enough."

"What do you mean?"

Jessie handed the book to me and pointed to the top of the page. "Well, it says
Magikarp is the sign for this birthday, but this isn't your birthday, James!"

I looked more closely at the birthdate printed at the top of the page. Jessie
was right -- I'd been looking at January 24th instead of January 29th! I was on
the wrong page!
Jerry: Wait… there’s a different sign for every birthday? That’s not how horoscopes work…
…Though it would make more sense, I – Wait! This was in Johto! There weren’t 365 Pokémon yet! How does she plan to manage this?!
Tom: Y’ were expectin’ Falls t’ have planned it out? Sucker.

Meowth gave me a playful whack on the head. "How could ya get yer own birthday
wrong, ya numb-skull?!"
Tom: …Too easy.

"I'd like to know the answer to that one, myself," said Jessie.

"Well, I just turned to the same page that my birthday was on in the other
book," I explained. "The days of the year are always in the same order,
regardless of the zodiac. And since my birthday was on page 50 in the fake book,
I just assumed it'd be on that page in the real one, too. I guess I should've
looked closer, huh?"
Tom: An’ y didn’t check which day it started on? If it ain’t on January 1^st, y’ gotta look it up!

"Damn right!" said Meowth. "You should never assume anythin', Jimbo...cuz when
ya assume, ya make an ass outta you and me!"
Tom: (International Donkeys’ Association) We object to that comparison – it terribly insults us.

I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. "I feel like such an idiot...."

Jessie put an arm around my shoulders. "Don't," she said. "It's not your fault
you know how to count -- it's Butch and Cassidy's for doing such a crappy
copying job and getting the dates all out of order! I can't believe how stupid
they are!"
Tom: Y’ blaming ‘EM fer YER stupidity?

An’ it has nothin’ t’ do with how t’ count! They obviously STARTED ON A DIFFERENT DAY, or CHANGED TH’ HOROSCOPES T’ MAKE ‘EM SHORTER! Y’ ever tried t’ copy an entire book? Yer crazy! Yer absolutely crazy!

I smiled weakly. "I know...but it was still pretty foolish of me to not even
look at the date and just assume my birthday was on the same page...."
Tom: Yep. It was.

Jessie cupped my chin in her hand and gave me a kiss. "Don't worry about it.
It's not important."

"I guess...."

"Hey! Ya know what dis means?!" Meowth interjected.

Jessie and I looked down at him.

"Since James was lookin' at the wrong page dis whole time, it means he ain't a
Magikarp!"
Tom: Y’ agreed it was all junk! He ain’t ANYTHING!

Jessie grinned. "That's right!"

I suddenly felt myself becoming nervous again. "Well, if I'm not a Magikarp,
then what am I?"
Tom: *in a falsetto* ‘I’m a woman! Call me Jeannie!’

"Let's just find out!" Jessie said as she turned to my real birthday...which was
on page 60 in this book.

I closed my eyes and crossed my fingers. Oh, god! Please don't let it be
something like Mr. Mime or Muk....
Jerry: (Jessie) It says you’re a “Cori Falls Main Character”, and will promptly be occupied in sobbing, romantic angst, and whining about how cruel and persecuted is the life of the criminal. *looks over at him*
(James) *sobs, romantically angsts, and whines about how cruel and persecuted is the life of the criminal*
(Jessie) …Maybe there’s something to this astrology stuff after all!

"Here we are -- January 29th! It says...." Jessie's voice trailed off for a
moment, and she gasped. "Oh, my!"
Jerry: (Jessie) You’re – you’re E.L. James!

Oh, shit!

Jessie's eyes sparkled as she looked at me, and she began to blush again.
"James...I think you're going to like this!"
Jerry: (James) Oh, my! Is Christie Grey going to rescue Anakin Steele from his evil fiancé, Chrisabelle Greyer, and carry him off to a sensuous fantasy land of dominance, submission, and crossdressing?
(Jessie) …James, I’m beginning to think I should have never told you to vanity-publish your Twilight fanfiction.

Meowth jumped onto her shoulder to get a better look at the book, and he gasped,
too. "Holy crap! Dat's even better den Moltres...and it makes more sense, too!"
Jerry: (James) With the advent of Stealth Rock on the competitive battling scene, that’s not saying much.

I felt a wave of relief wash over me -- it was something good, after all! But
what was it?!

Jessie handed the book to me. "Check it out!"

I looked at the birthdate again to confirm that I was on the right page this
time, and sure enough it was January 29th. And just below my birthdate was a
picture of....

"Articuno?!"
Tom: An’ yer still not a Zapdos. So, yer better than… Meowth? Or is Meowth Zapdos an’ Jessie Moltres…
Jerry: You’re treading on thin ice here…
(Meowth) On da downside, yoire still 4x voilnerable to Stealth Rock. Pick up da pace! We’re gonna get whipped at da big match inna week if ya keep dis up! One good Rock-type and we’re sunk!

Jessie and Meowth smiled at me.

"I'm an Articuno-type?!"

They nodded.

"Read it!" Meowth exclaimed.

"Yeah! See what it says, James!" said Jessie.
Jerry: (James) It says “As an elegant icebird, you are flamboyant, effeminate, melodramatic, and bordering on a gay stereotype. You are very secure in what little masculinity you have, and so have no difficulty wearing women’s clothing as the occasion calls for it. For the sake of contrast, you will be paired with a hot-tempered, somewhat violent partner who is still more emotionally stable than you are, and has no compunctions about smacking you out of your funks. Your role model is Fai D. Flourite.” *puts book down* I knew astrology was all bunk!
(Meowth) *under breath* Doesn’t sound like bunk to me…
(James) *indignantly* What was that?
(Meowth) Nuthin’ at all… *under breath* Mr. Flourite.

I smiled back at them and read the book's description of my sign. "It says,
Great powers masked by a gentle disposition and a mild temperament.
Guardian’s Song: “Masked”? Why should that be a contrary indicator? He’s not Eliwood of Pherae!
No matter
what difficulties befall them, the Articuno-type will always prevail in the end
and soar to new heights! What the?! This is kind of like what the other book
said about Moltres!"
Tom: …An’ now yer rippin’ off Butch an’ Cassidy. Th’ circle is complete.

Jessie smirked. "What did Botch and Crappidy do? Get their Legendary Birds
confused and put the Articuno horoscope under Moltres?"
Tom: It’s a con! They could’ve put Paras there an’ it wouldn’t matter!

Given what was canon first? Yer th’ one gettin’ confused an’ sayin’ Articuno’s horoscope is th’ one with th’ description appropriate t’ a phoenix…
Jerry: I thought Articuno’s reputation was that it saved lost travelers in the mountains. Shouldn’t that horoscope correspond to those who are very considerate and, despite their chilly exteriors, go out of their way to help those in need?
Tom: That’s Earth Logic.

Meowth facefaulted. "Dey prolly did. Dose morons...."

"Well, that would certainly explain why the fake book managed to get my
horoscope right," I remarked.
Tom: Y’ discarded all th’ parts y’ didn’t like an’ kept those y’ did! Idiot! Yer even more dishonest than real astrologers!

Meowth nodded.

Jessie blushed again. "Well, it's definitely the right horoscope this time.
Tom: Just like th’ Moltres one was?
Now
see what it says about love and romance!"
Tom: (Jessie) You will star in a hundred yaoi doushinjis… Excuse me?
(Butch) Excuse YOU? Have you considered who’s going to have to be the seme?!

I looked back at the book and smiled. "It says that the Articuno-type's cool
demeanor is best matched by a passionate fire sign!"
Tom: Y’ only need “passionate”?

James/Jessiebelle / James/Misty / James/Lt. Surge OTP!!!1!11!

She clapped her hands. "That's me -- a fiery, passionate Ninetales! And Articuno
is an ice sign! We really are a perfect match!"
Tom: Yer not even in th’ same egg group! Yer threatenin’ th’ sacred institution’a egg groups!

Meowth laughed. "Dat book is dead-on about yer personalities and yer love-life!
Jerry: *sigh* Astrology books are engineered to make you say that…
Maybe dere really is more ta dis fortune tellin' den we thought...."

"Maybe," I said. "But I'm not going to get carried away with it again...no
matter how accurate the book is."

"Good!" he sighed. "Cuz after what James the Moltres put us through yesterday, I
don't think I could handle a repeat performance from James the Articuno!
Jerry: Thank you, Meowth!
And I
don't think poor Jess could handle it either -- you'd prolly make the rest of
her underwears explode if ya pulled anythin' like dat again!"
Jerry: …No thank you, Meowth.

"That's enough, Meowth!" Jessie cried.

I snickered and put my arms around Jessie's waist. "You were right, though," I
said to him. "She didn't have any panties on last night!"
Jerry: …Even if he were a human, that would be inappropriate. The question is why he needs to chat with a POKÉMON about a woman’s panties.
Tom: *to the audience* Whatever y’ do, DON’T answer that with th’ Pokémon Kink Meme. Just DON’T.

Jessie gasped. "Oh, don't YOU start now!" she snapped, pushing me away.

Meowth fell to the floor and began to laugh hysterically.

Jessie buried her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry, honey," I said as I pulled her into another embrace. "You know we're
only teasing."

She looked up at me and returned my embrace. "Yeah." Then, whispering into my
ear, "But I think you really would -- I still can't get over how sexy you were
yesterday!"
Tom: Th’ thing is, Jessie kinda seems like Cori’s self-insert, if y’ know what I’m sayin’. Well, so does James, but y’ know, she’s th’ female one, an’ Cori didn’t seem much like a tomboy…

So, when she just can’t stop talkin’ about how sexy James was in a fursuit, y’know…
Jerry: It was because of his attitude shift, that’s all.
Tom: Yeah, but she claims t’ like his personality just th’ way it is. An’ she hates it when characters act all arrogant an’ stuff fer more than an episode.
Jerry: Maybe it was because his costume was skintight?
Guardian’s Song: I have a screenshot of his costume in that Team Rocket AMV I keep watching – in keeping with Pokémon being a children’s show, there’s nothing to see down there. Or anywhere. James has a generic teenage-boy anime body – not wimpy or anything, but not muscular, either.
Jerry: Well, I’m not denying she has an active imagination… Tom, lay off the author already. She never mentions this again, which she would if she was a furry. There’s enough to complain about without making things up.
Tom: I ain’t th’ one who had James soundin’ like a freakin’ otherkin fer a few thousand words!

I leaned down and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"But Moltres, Magikarp, Articuno...I don't care what that book says about you,"
she continued. "It doesn't change the fact that you're James -- that you're
strong, and sweet, and smart, and sexy...and that I love you with all my heart!"

I felt my heart skip a beat when she said this. "And I don't care whether you're
an Eevee or a Ninetales -- it doesn't change how wonderful you are or how much I
love you either!"
Jerry: Then why did you throw this entire part in? If it doesn’t matter, you should have made do with the Magikarp horoscope and been done with it!

Jessie hugged me more tightly than ever and rested her head on my shoulder.
"Thanks, James."

"It's cool that our horoscopes turned out to be good after all," I told her.
Jerry: *double facepalm*
"But like you said -- it's just for fun."
Jerry: *muffled by hands* Then why do you keep talking about it?

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"You know what else would be fun?"

"What?"
Jerry: *jerks head up from hands* Not another sex scene!

Jessie smiled slyly at me. "Well...I never got the chance to make you that hot
Moltres outfit yesterday. So, why don't I make you an Articuno outfit today?"

My heart skipped another beat at the thought of impressing Jessie all over again
in a super-sexy Articuno costume.
Tom: FURRY!
"Sounds great!"

"....And a Ninetales outfit for myself!" she continued.

I closed my eyes and smiled as I pictured Jessie in a skin-tight Ninetales
costume that showed off every curve of her beautiful form.
Tom: Furry Mark II!
"Definitely!"

Jessie grinned and kissed my now burning cheek. "Then I'll get right on it!" she
exclaimed. "I can hardly wait!"

You and me both! I thought as I watched her get out her sewing kit.

@->->-

While Jessie was busy making our new costumes, I decided to kill some time by
replying to Misty's e-mail. I told her that we accepted her apology for the way
she'd treated us
Jerry: (Misty) Great, now how about YOU apologize for how YOU’VE treated us for the last hundred-odd episodes?
and thanked her for offering to look up our horoscopes in the
real book. Then, I told her about how Jessie had found a copy of the real book
as well and that we'd already read our horoscopes and found out that we were
Ninetales and Articuno.
Tom: Yer two humans, furries. Yer HOROSCOPES were Ninetales an’ Articuno. Y’ were a Ninetales an’ an Articuno, if y’ want t’ be persistent about it.

Once I'd sent the message, Meowth got out the book again and began leafing
through it. "Hey, I got an idea!" he said.

"Yeah?" I asked.

The cat grinned. "Well, ya know how Misty looked up some of her friends'
birthdays, just for fun?"

Jessie and I nodded. "Mmm, hmmm?"

"Why don't we do the same?" he suggested. "Ya know, look up some people we know
and see what the book has ta say about 'em!"
Tom: …Yeah, an’ remember that it’s all bunk, will y’?

"That sounds like a great idea, Meowth!" said Jessie.

"Yeah!" I agreed. "Who should we look up first?"

"Howzabout the boss?" he replied.

We nodded again.

Jessie giggled. "I bet the boss is something really scary, like a Gengar!"

"Or a Kabutops!" I mused.
Tom: How about a Rhydon? Or a Machamp?
Jerry: Or an Alakazam… I heard he was the analytical type.

Meowth frowned when he found the page that Giovanni's birthday was on. "It sez
here dat he's a Persian."

Jessie and I did a double-take. "A Persian?!"

"It sez dat Persian-types are ambitious perfectionists...and dere aloof demeanor
hides a sensitive nature," he continued.
Jerry: *rolls eyes* And he frequently was a cover model for ‘The Billionaire’s Brazen Bride’, ‘The Yazuka Chief’s Gaijin Geisha’, and ‘The Silph Co. CEO’s Secret Companion’, I’m sure.

"The boss? Sensitive?" Jessie queried. "Well, if he does have a sensitive side,
I guess he really does do a good job of hiding it!"
Jerry: Like every romance novel hero… Did she ever pair him with anyone?
Guardian’s Song: No, actually. Strangely enough.

I nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like him, all right."

Meowth sighed. "No wonder he replaced me with dat Persian. I guess dis means I
ain't got a chance of ever bein' the top cat again...."
Tom: (The Old Boss) It took you THIS long to realize it?

"Don't worry about it, Meowth," Jessie said as she reached over and patted him
on the head.

I winked and gave him a thumbs-up. "You'll always be top cat to us!"

This made him smile once more. "Thanks, guys."

"Okay, enough of this! Look up somebody else now, Meowth!" Jessie told him.

Meowth nodded and turned the pages again. "Alright. I'll look up Mondo...."

After a couple minutes of searching, he found Mondo's birthday and began to
read. "It sez dat he's a Tauros! The Tauros-type has a hyperactive nature,
Jerry: HYPERACTIVE? That’s not exactly how I would describe a stampede!
but
dey're very reliable and hard-workin'."
Jerry: You know, you could have picked Wigglytuff or Diglett… and Chansey can go overboard with their enthusiasm as well. …But Tauros?

"Hmmm...sounds like that book is right about Mondo, too," I remarked.

"Yeah! He's kind of hyper, but he's a good kid," Jessie agreed.
Tom: Y’ say that ‘cause he’s yer fanboy. If he wasn’t – I don’t know him, but just from yer description – you’d lump him in with Ash.

Meowth laughed. "Man, dis really is fun! Who should I look up next?"

Jessie smiled. "Look up my momma. Her birthday was December 9th."

Meowth returned her smile and flipped through the pages again. "Here it is --
December 9th. It sez Miyamoto was an Arbok."

Jessie raised an eyebrow.

"The Arbok-type has an intense nature and a fierce temperament, but dey're
extremely gentle and lovin' with family and dose whom dey consider dere
friends," he read.
Jerry: And HOW do you get that from the description of an Arbok?

(Meowth) The Arbok-type is poisonous, sharp-fanged, and sneaky. Oh sure, they’re gentle enough if they like ya, but watch out if yoire an enemy! They’ll sink their fangs into ya before ya even know they’re there!

…You know, since she was a Rocket, a horoscope like that would be a compliment. Why does everyone have to be kindly, sensitive, and loving in Team Rocket?! We’re not a international charity, you know!
"From everythin' ya told us about yer mom, dat sounds right,
too."

She nodded and closed her eyes. "It is -- momma was tough as nails, but she was
still the sweetest woman. No wonder Arbok is so special to me...."
Jerry: …You can like a Pokémon without it resembling anyone you know.
Tom: Y’ reeeeeally sure she ain’t a furry? Really? ‘Cause she seems not t’ know that humans ain’t Pokémon an’ Pokémon ain’t humans.

I hugged Jessie and held her to me as a tear rolled down her cheek. "It's okay,
sweetheart," I whispered. Then to Meowth, I said, "Look up my grand-papa. His
birthday was February 15th."

"February 15th, huh?" he said. "It sez dat Jim Morgan was a Growlithe."
Jerry: *HEADDESK*

I smiled.

"The Growlithe-type is an excellent provider and has a carin' personality. And
just like a real Growlithe, dey'll fight tooth-and-nail ta protect dere loved
ones."
Jerry: At least this horoscope makes sense.

"That was grand-papa, all right," I whispered. Now it was my turn to cry.

"He loved you so much, James," Jessie whispered as she brushed my tears away.
"Maybe that's why Growly is so important to you."
Jerry: Of course, it has nothing to do with Growly being his one friend in a household that was arguably emotionally abusive and certainly neglectful for turning a blind eye to James’s fiancée being a juvenile psychopath. No, it was because his grandfather had a Growlithe horoscope, when James didn’t even believe in horoscopes before now.

Huh?

"Maybe," I muttered.

Meowth sniffled and rubbed at his eyes, which were filling with tears as well.
"Okay, dis is gettin' depressin'. Let's look up somebody else now. Somebody
like...I dunno...the Black Arachnid. What was his birthday, Jess?"
Jerry: Around now, I’m wondering what Cori Falls’s birthday was.
Tom: Th’ Jigglypuff type. Persistently attemptin’ t’ get her [idols’] talents recognized, then throwin’ a fit an’ scribblin’ all over th’ canon when they aren’t.

Jessie grinned. "The Black Arachnid was born on September 5, 1847!" she proudly
announced.

"Quite the history buff, aren't you?" I said as I gently nudged her in the ribs.

"When it comes to the Black Arachnid? Yes!" came her reply.
Guardian’s Song: Do most people memorize their idols’ birthdays? I don’t. I only know Caligula was born on August 31^st because I know some people born on that date, Julius Caesar was born in July for the obvious reason, Augustus was born in August for a similarly obvious reason, and beyond that… No, I COULDN’T tell you the years they were born in. Then again, I’m horrible with dates anyway, so that may not be indicative…

Meowth chuckled and flipped through the pages once again. When he got to
September 5th, his face lit up. "Sweet! It sez dat ol' Black Ac was a Meowth!"
Jessie and I exchanged looks.

"The Meowth-type has a sarcastic tongue, a wit as sharp as a cat's claws, and a
heart as gold as the charm on a real Meowth's head! Meowth-types are also
extremely lucky in matters of money," he said. "Awww! Now dat's a great
horoscope!"
Jerry: …Er, explain how Meowth got involved with Team Rocket, then? As Miss Falls keeps pointing out, they haven’t been very lucky with money…

"It sure is," I agreed.

"The Black Arachnid was great...just like a real Meowth!" Jessie exclaimed. With
that, she scooped Meowth into her arms and gave him a kiss on his golden charm.
Meowth blushed and began to purr.
Tom: *retches*

I reached over and scratched behind his ears, and his purring grew even louder.
After cuddling Meowth for a couple of minutes, Jessie set him down and resumed
her sewing. She'd finished the bodysuits of our two outfits, and now she was
adding the details.
Tom: FURRY.
Guardian’s Song: Also… I really never saw Jessie being the only costume designer. It just seems… stereotypically domestic in this context. Why cram the Rockets into strict gender roles? Their awesomeness is not constrained by sanity, budgets, or gender…

Since it looked like it was going to be at least another hour before the
costumes were ready, Meowth picked up the book again and read some more
horoscopes. We found out that my bitch ex-fiance, Jessiebelle, is a
Vileplume-type -- beautiful, but extremely vain and domineering with a penchant
for violence.
Jerry: Er… that also sounds like Jessie… This would have been a great example of how much two people with the same horoscope can differ, you know. *sigh*

Why does this string of horoscopes (except for James’s) correspond to Pokémon they used? By that reasoning, Ash should be a Pikachu! And it’s just silly, anyway…

(Actually, they did acquire a baby Articuno in another fic, didn’t they? *pained sigh*)
(I shuddered at how accurate that one was...and I agreed with all
of it except the "beautiful" part. Jessiebelle may look like my beautiful Jessie
on the surface, but beneath that facade is evil and cruelty...and that makes her
ugly, no matter what she looks like. Jessiebelle will always be a monster in my
eyes.)
Jerry: *respectful applause*
Tom: One’a th’ only things in this fic that made sense.
Guardian’s Song: And for this note alone, Cori Falls is better than Cassandra Claire and Stephenie Meyer.
Jerry: And the brutal beatings of child-
Guardian’s Song: Fine, fine, she’s just better than Cassandra Claire.
We also found out that Cassidy is a Jynx-type and that Butch is a
Grimer-type.
Tom: …Falls, yer insults are fallin’ down on th’ job.

Lesse, at th’ time, th’ games would’ve been in Johto generation… both Jynx an’ Muk were Borderline, Ninetales was Underused, and Articuno… heh heh heh! Borderline. Despite bein’ a Legendary. So was Moltres. Zapdos was th’ only Overused bird.

Sorry, James. Even as a Legendary, y’ still only equal Butch an’ Cassidy. Did I mention that Mr. Mime was Underused? Yer in th’ same tier as Ash, Jessie…

Meowth laughed when he read this. "No wonder dose two made the fake book -- dey
was prolly so embarrassed by dere real signs dat dey had ta go and screw with
everybody else's!"
Tom: Embarrassed? Those ain’t embarrassin’…

I snickered. "Yeah! That Cassidy is creepy and ugly...just like a real Jynx!"
Guardian’s Song: Oh. I see. Cori Falls just didn’t like Jynx. I guess she didn’t like the human-form Pokémon?
Tom: Of course. What’s there to be furry about if they ain’t furry?
Guardian’s Song: Ah, lay off. I take it you’ve spent too much time on Encyclopedia Dramatica?

"And Butch is pretty damned ugly, too -- he even has that hideous Grimer voice!"
Jessie added.

Now all three of us were laughing.

And that's how we spent the rest of the afternoon -- sitting together on the bed
and looking up the signs of various friends, foes, and fellow Rockets. And
amazingly enough, all of the horoscopes turned out to be pretty accurate.
Jerry: Since the author engineered them that way…

I would have scoffed at the notion of fortuneHYPHEN!telling before, but now I wasn't
so sure. With everything I'd seen over the past couple of days and everything
that book said, was it really nothing more than coincidence? I couldn't help but
wonder.
Tom: Yeah, now that it’s sayin’ good things about y’. *disgusted noise*

@->->-
Guardian’s Song: And here it comes, folks. One of the most ridiculous and unintentionally hilarious scenes in all of Cori Falls’s fics.

Be prepared. You are about to be witness to a stupidity that overwhelms all!

It was almost dark by the time Jessie finished our costumes. Normally it takes
her a couple of days to make something really spectacular, but she'd worked fast
today. She always does when she's truly inspired.

I wasn't disappointed when I tried my Articuno costume on either -- the bodysuit
of this one was even more form-fitting than my Moltres outfit, showing off every
muscle and sinew of my body and leaving nothing to the imagination. And unlike
my Moltres outfit, this one didn't have a big, poofy collar. Instead, my chest
was left bare, exposing the rope-breaking pecs that Jessie loved so much. The
rest of the costume was exquisite as well. A trail of ice-blue feathers accented
the sleeves of my top, creating a pair of magnificent wings, and a set of
matching feathers crowned my head. A long, luxurious tail cascaded from the back
of my pants. The cool blue of the spandex bodysuit and soft feathers matched
well with the lavender of my hair and the green of my eyes, creating a chilling
effect.

This new costume wasn't nearly as bird-like as the Moltres one had been --
rather, it was designed to show off and accentuate my manhood. But as I admired
my reflection in the bathroom mirror, there was no denying it -- my soul was the
soul of a beautiful, majestic Articuno!
[We’ll give the sporkers a moment to recover from their shock…]
Tom: That is th’ gayest thing ever.

An’ I don’t mean it’s stupid, I mean it shouldn’t be let outta Pride parades. A skintight suit decorated with feather boas glued t’ th’ sleeves an’ th’ rear end? An’ he mentions that it brings out his eyes?

…An’ excuse me, did he say that he had a boob – er, pec window? Congratulations, James, yer th’ gay Power Girl. *covers face with one hand* This is th’ most ridiculous thing…
Jerry: *throws up hands* It wouldn’t even be flattering! Would it?
Guardian’s Song: I drew it. It isn’t.
Jerry: And if it’s skin-tight, why does it need to expose his chest?
Guardian’s Song: I haven’t the slightest.
Tom: Did I say ‘gay’? M’ apologies t’ gays. I meant “FURRY”. Furry, furry, FURRY.

An’ otherkin. Did I mention otherkin? ‘Cause apparently he thinks he’s an Articuno ~on th’ inside~. He’ll be campaignin’ fer th’ right t’ go into PokéBalls next.
Jerry: And wasn’t he just saying at the start of the fic that he knew for certain that he had the soul of a Moltres?
Tom: Y’ expect logic from otherkin? Go read Fandom Wank s’more.

"That Jessie sure does good work!" I said to myself.

As I closed my eyes and fantasized about Jessie enjoying the view my costume
gave her, I suddenly heard a knock on the bathroom door. "Hey, James, are you
almost ready?!" she called to me. "I want to see how it turned out!"

I opened my eyes again and smiled at my reflection. Why should I stand here and
fantasize when I can have the real thing?!
Jerry: I know what the sentence means, but… his smiling at his reflection right before saying “Why should I stand here and fantasize when I can have the real thing?”… *winces*
Tom: (James) Would you [date] me? I’d [date] me.
"Coming!" I replied.

Jessie grinned as I opened the door and stepped into the room.

"I am Articuno! Hear me roar!"
Jerry: …Isn’t the phrase “I am woman, hear me roar”?

*covers face with hands* I… I swear I’m not trying to knock him, but when he misuse phrases like that…
Tom: *rolls eyes* Well, if yer goin’ t’ claim yer an Articuno, claimin’ yer a female Articuno ain’t a big deal more.
I announced as I spread my wings and struck a
pose. "How do I look?"

Meowth's eyes widened. "Holy shit! Bulgerific don't even BEGIN ta describe dat
thing!"
Jerry: *raises head from hands* Am I honestly supposed to believe he’s hiding a full-sized Diglett in his pants?
Tom: Y’ know, if he is, she better have not made that thing too tight. He needs t’ have circulation.

Jessie, meanwhile, had gone weak in the knees. "Oh, my god!" she whispered as
she placed her hand over her heart and began to take rapid, fluttery breaths.
Jerry: That was about my reaction as I was reading the description – but, Miss Falls, it wasn’t from arousal.
Tom: *snickers* Yeah, y’ sounded on th’ verge’a a breakdown…

I smiled. "I guess that means she likes it!"
Jerry: Are you sure she’s not on the verge of passing out from embarrassment on your behalf?

Meowth smirked. "Maybe it's a good thing she didn't get ta design yer Moltres
outfit -- ya had her hot and bothered enough as it was! If she'd a seen ya in
somethin' like dis yesterday...."
Jerry: …She would have had to curl up in the fetal position while Butch, Cassidy, and the twerps screamed in laughter?
Tom: That or “in horror”.

"Oh, my god!" Jessie whispered again. "James, you're gorgeous!"

My smile became a grin as I came to Jessie's side and put my arms around her.
"Thanks!"

She melted into my embrace and hugged back. "This is kind of what I had in mind
for your other costume, too. Meowth is right -- maybe it's a good thing I didn't
get the chance to make it...."

"Yeah. I don't think I'd have wanted to run around town in something so
revealing," I agreed.
Jerry: …The way he talks about it, he makes it sound like body paint. With feathers stuck on.
"This is just for you, baby!"

Jessie's face flushed as she began to cover my face, neck OXFORD COMMA! and chest with kisses.

I closed my eyes and sighed contentedly. Her lips felt so soft and warm on my
skin,
Jerry: Do you like that description? You called her breasts “warm and soft” earlier.
and her touch made me burn with desire.
Tom: An’, bein’ an ~Articuno~, y’ promptly melted?

As Jessie held me in her arms and kissed me, I began to fantasize about what I
was going to do to her once she got me out of my costume. But then something
occurred to me -- Jessie still hadn't put on her costume!
Tom: Aw, no.
I didn't really need
her to wear it -- I was already hot for her as it was...but she'd put as much
work into her Ninetales outfit as she had my Articuno outfit, and I wanted to
see how she looked in it!
Tom: Fursuiter! He IS a fursuiter! Furry!
Jerry: *grimaces* I truly don’t want it to be true, but…

"Jess?" I muttered.

"Hmmm?"

"Aren't you going to try on your costume?"

Jessie kissed my chest a couple more times before looking up at me. Then, she
smiled. "Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!"

I chuckled. "Now it's your turn to show off for me!"
Tom: *sour expression* Falls, y’ can make even a hot chick in a skimpy outfit an object’a eldritch horror. How d’y’ manage?

She winked at me as she pulled herself from my arms and headed into the bathroom
with her own costume.

Meowth snickered again. "Heh. Dis should be good!"

I could feel my cheeks growing hot. "Definitely!"
Tom: Yer a guy. Yer imaginin’ yer “hottest, sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world” fer a girlfriend in a sexy, skimpy outfit.

Only yer cheeks are doin’ anythin’?

Either yer gay, asexual, or that fursuit’a yers is really cuttin’ off circulation. An’ that ain’t healthy.

A couple of minutes later, Jessie emerged from the bathroom, wearing her
Ninetales costume...and it was nothing short of amazing! The bodysuit was
shimmering gold and every bit as snug as my own, showing off every inch of her
body...especially the parts I liked the best!
Tom: (James) Her toenails!
The plunging neckline was trimmed
with faux fur, accentuating her ample cleavage beautifully, and nine elegant
tails made of the same faux fur swept out from the back of the suit, creating a
magnificent train. A golden pair of faux fox ears mounted on a little headband
provided the finishing touch.
Tom: Furry. Furry. Furry.
Guardian’s Song: Hey, that costume is actually passable. Don’t knock it.
Tom: Might look good outta context. In context? FURRY. An’ I ain’t interested in two fursuiters havin’ sex – What does this look like, Anthrocon?

Jessie leaned her head back and sighed as she brought one of her legs up and
rested her foot on the door frame. Then, she placed her hands on her shoulders
and slowly moved them down her breasts, her waist, her hips, and finally her
thighs.

My heart fluttered as I watched Jessie's hands moving along her body,
Tom: Yer heart. Yer heart.

Yer bodysuit is cuttin’ off circulation.

An’ don’t give me any lines about bein’ coy. Th’ time fer that was before she started yammerin’ about “bulgeriffic” costumes an’ throwin’ in four-hour sex scenes. If she’s goin’ t’ talk about those bits, she better remember they exist.
and I
found myself wishing that my hands were doing the same.
Tom: (Cori!James) *runs hands over own body* Ooh, I’m hot! *smiles at mirror*
I could tell from the
smile that crossed her lips that she was thinking the same thing.
Tom: (Cori!Jessie) Ooh, you’re hot!

Jessie looked over at me and puckered her lips, blowing me a kiss. "Like what
you see?" she asked.
Tom: (Cori!James) Yes… but I’m thinking that I’d look better in it.

I grinned and swept her into my arms once more. "Hello, foxy lady!" I said.

Jessie giggled and put her arms around my shoulders. "I take it that's a yes!"

"You got that right," I replied as I cupped her breasts in my hands and caressed
her body the way she'd done only moments before.

"Oh, James!" she gasped. Then, she ran her fingers down my chest and stomach
until her hands were resting on my crotch.

My fluttering heart began to race. "Oh, Jessie!" I cried.
Tom: …He acts like he’s a romance novel heroine an’ she’s seducin’ him. “Fluttering heart”? “’Oh, Jessie!’ I cried”?

She’s grabbin’ his crotch. That ain’t goin’ t’ make him fan his face an’ swoon, y’ know..

"Uh...dis is gonna be gettin' kinky in a few minutes, ain't it?" said Meowth.
Tom: It got kinky th’ moment they brought out th’ fursuits.
But I couldn't answer him -- Jessie had started to undo my pants and was now
reaching inside. All I could do was moan with pleasure.

"Yeah. Dat's my cue ta exit," I heard him say.
Jerry: You speak for us all, Meowth.

Once we were alone, Jessie pressed herself against me and ran her fingers
through my hair. "You may be an ice sign, James, but you can light my fire any
time!"

"Oh, I will! Trust me!" I replied as I scooped her into my arms and carried her
to the bed.
Tom: What a relief. At th’ rate y’ were goin’, I was expectin’ Jessie t’ carry y’ t’ bed.

@->->-

I'll admit, wearing those Articuno and Ninetales costumes and showing off for
each other was fun, but getting each other out of those costumes was even
better!
Tom: Maybe yer salvageable after all.
Just like the night before last, Jessie purred in my arms as we made
love,
Tom: Or not.
and every time we finished, she pounced on me, and we'd start again.

And as much as I enjoyed the feeling of her silky smooth skin pressed against my
own, her long, deliacte DELICATE fingers running through my hair, her sweet lips kissing
me, and the warm, velvety softness inside of her body,
Tom: …Do I have t’ say anything?
Jerry: No.
Guardian’s Song: …I don’t like saying this in proximity to a Pokémon fanfic, but she brought it up first. Ah – Miss Falls, d’you know that “warm, velvety softness” is also supposed to be moistened, to put it politely? And that this is an important part of the act? I… think he should have mentioned that as an adjective.

And, again, there’s no point in being modest when you’re already describing her genitals!
I enjoyed the simple gaze
of adoration in her sapphire eyes and the low moans of ecstasy she made even
more. As good as Jessie makes me feel when we share our bodies,
Tom: *snork* What, do y’ work out a timeshare?
the knowledge
that I'm giving her pleasure...that I'm what she wants, makes me feel even
better. I love her so much, and knowing that she loves me too is the best
feeling in the world!

When our lovemaking finally ended a few hours later,
Tom: What th’ Muk d’ y’ use as a supplement?!
Jerry: Essence of Badfic.
Tom: *facepalm* I walked into that one…
the two of us laid together
in each other's arms and cuddled.
Tom: Sleep, dang it! Y’ve earned it!
I wrapped my arms around Jessie's waist and
held her to me as I stroked her long mane of crimson hair, and she rested her
head on my shoulder and traced patterns on my chest with the tip of her finger.

"James?" Jessie muttered at length.

"Hmmm?" I asked as I buried my face in her soft, fragrant hair and planted a
kiss atop her head.

She looked up at me and smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling better about all this
fortuneHYPHEN!telling stuff now...but I need to ask you something...."

"What is it?"

"Well," she began. "Do you think...how do I put this? Do you think...if that
book said we had bad signs, or that we were incompatible...."
Tom: …Y’ would’ve promptly ignored it, ‘cause yer author only thinks anything counts if it compliments y’ an’ calls it all bunk if it doesn’t.

I knew where her question was leading, so I placed a finger to her lips and
silenced her. "Jessie, you're the one who told me that we couldn't take it
seriously...that it's just for fun!" I told her.
Jerry: No, you were the one ignoring it at first.

"I know," she replied. "But after seeing how accurate it was about...everything,
well, I'm not so sure anymore. It's like...I don't know what to believe...."

"I feel the same way," I admitted. "Yesterday morning, I was a complete
skeptic...
Jerry: That’s what I just said!
then I became a complete believer...and now...now...I guess I'm kind
of in the middle...."
Tom: Nah, y’ clearly a true believer again. We ain’t blind. We saw that entire silly scene.

"Exactly," she said. "So what does that mean?"

I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. "Maybe it just means that we have to
take this for what it is -- a chance to learn...to grow," I replied in all
honesty. "That book may have been right about a lot of things, Jessie, but you
were right, too. Maybe there is no real right or wrong about this one -- just
different perspectives."
Jerry: *FACEPALM* Oh, way to turn into a mindless lump! ‘Maybe there is no real right or wrong about that boulder rushing towards us – just different perspectives!’ ‘Maybe there is no real right or wrong about whether the sun will rise tomorrow – just different perspectives!’ ‘Maybe there is no real right or wrong about whether 2+2=5 – just different perspectives!’

Turning off your brain is NOT a solution. Questions do NOT get answered by anyone giving up on even trying to answer them.
Tom: It was right when y’ liked what it said an’ wrong when y’ didn’t like what it said. Maybe y’ ought t’ consider how y’ determine what’s right an’ wrong before y’ do anythin’ else here?

Jessie smiled at me again and looked out the window at the starry night sky. "I
think...I think that maybe the stars hold more powers than we thought.
Jerry: *FACEPALM*
We're
just tiny little specks in an infinite universe, James. There has to be
something out there. Something greater than you...or I can even imagine...."
Tom and Jerry: *simultaneously* The author.

"Perhaps," I said, holding her to me once again. "But no matter what might be
out there, it doesn't change the fact that when all is said and done, the only
ones who can truly control our destiny are ourselves.
Jerry: (Cori!Jessie and Cori!James) Except when we fail, in which case it’s all the twerps’ fault and we’re persecuted by fate and the uncaring world. Woe is us!
There probably are greater
forces at work in the universe, but I think they're just there to guide us...not
to control us."
Tom: (Cori Falls) DANCE, PUPPETS, DANCE!

Jessie cuddled into me and nodded. "Yeah," she sighed. "I think I told you about
this once before -- that I like to believe that my momma's spirit is always with
me...watching over me...guiding me...."
Jerry: (Cori Falls) Dang, this Miyamoto costume itches!

"You did tell me," I said. "And that's exactly what I mean. I like to think the
same thing about my grand-papa -- that he's always with me.
Jerry: (Cori Falls) Dang, this James’s-grandpa costume itches!
I know that thinking
about him and what he would've done really helped me put things in perspective
last night."
Tom: (Cori!James) He would have whined, cried, moped about it, and then jumped into the gayest fursuit ever. And I did exactly that.

"Who knows? Maybe he really was with you!" Jessie said as she reached up and
caressed my cheek.
Tom: (Jessie) – and, as he watched your antics, desperately trying to figure out how to contact a medium and have you retroactively written out of his will.

"Yeah! If there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that there's
more mysteries in the universe than the human mind can comprehend," I continued.
Jerry: (Cori!James) So I’ll give up trying to comprehend anything!
"All I really know for sure is that as long as I have you and Meowth, I'll be
happy -- you guys are the most important part of my life...my destiny."

Jessie leaned closer and kissed me. "As long as we're together, we're destined
for greatness, James...no matter what the stars may say!"
Guardian’s Song: *sourly* I would think that was a lot sweeter if we’d omitted all the nonsense with the Articuno horoscope and just jumped here from the Magikarp horoscope section.

This fic is one great big unevolved Magikarp. It looked like it would evolve, and then Miss Falls yelled “OOH, ARTICUNO!” and started mashing B.

I returned Jessie's kiss and took her hands in my own, twining our fingers. "I
love you," I whispered.

"I love you, too," she whispered back.

The two of us smiled at each other once again and rested our foreheads together.
And as we drifted into peaceful repose, I knew in my heart that Jessie and I
were right -- there were greater forces at work in the universe than either of
us could comprehend...
Jerry: (Cori Falls) *admires self in mirror*
and that in the end, our hard work and determination would
overcome any obstacle fate put in our way.
Jerry: (Cori Falls) For I have decreed it.
We were destined for a white
tomorrow, and someday we'd reach it.
Jerry: (Cori Falls) Right after I go completely off the ledge and rip away from the canon…
And in the meantime, the memories of our
loved ones would guide and protect us, and the love between me and Jessie would
continue to grow.
Tom: How much more can it grow?! Y’ say that EVERY fic!

This turned out to be a pretty good couple of days! I said to myself. I got my
mojo back, the fair damsel loves me more than ever...
Tom: She does that EVERY fic! …Every time y’ two get it on, in fact!
and once again, I'm the
master of my own destiny!
Tom: What d’ y’ mean, “once again”? Y’ never were, an’ y’ sure aren’t now.
Never again will James the Articuno allow a measly
book...or anything else to take that away from him....

....And it certainly doesn't hurt to have a cool sign on top of all that!
Jerry: *HEADDESK*

The End

Special thanks to Snow for the gorgeous illustration of our heroes in their
Articuno and Ninetales costumes!
Tom: Never have I been so glad th’ illustrations are lost t’ time an’ th’ internet.
*.* Another special thanks to Pokemon All for
the adorable illustration of Articuno and Ninetales in love! ^_^
Tom: Yeah, I’m very glad.
And yet another
special thanks to Jupiter for the sweet illustration of James giving Jessie a
cooking lesson! ^.^
Jerry: Now I’M glad…

@->->-
Back to the Library
@->->-
Guardian’s Song: Overall evaluation –

This one had SO MUCH wasted potential, it wasn’t funny. If Jessie had actually thought with her brain instead of her crotch and sympathized with James without prompting… If there hadn’t been that Austin Powers movie… If James hadn’t gone into D&D-mode while in his Moltres fit…

Yeah, I know, I’m almost saying “If someone else had written this”, but Cori Falls did do an unusually good job by her standards. This fic was almost good. It had the backbone of a reasonable hurt/comfort fic after the events of the Moltres episode, even if the Magikarp part was melodramatically rubbing it in. Heck, without the romance, some of the dialogue could have fit in canon. It was so close…

…And instead, we get Jessie and Meowth all but condoning marital rape, and one of the most ridiculous Cori Falls moments of all her fics. It’s a pity.

…I don’t want to dislike Cori Falls’s fics, necessarily. I share certain (unfortunately-rare) views with her, such as a strong dislike of throwing in ‘edgy’ material just to show off, a hankering for pure and loving romantic relationships, a preference for gentle guys over bad boys, a firm desire to see good always triumph in the end, a desire for more optimism in fiction, and so on and so forth. I can’t stop thinking that I ought to like her fics. But… then she pulls out something that is so off-the-wall that it’s either hilarious or horrifying, and I can’t.

Are her fics corny? Yes, but I like corny. Are her fics melodramatic? Yes, but you ought to see the unedited versions of some of my… Anyway. Are her fics flaming wish-fulfillment Suefics? Yes, but I’m lenient, and I could tolerate that. I… want her to be the Good Suethor, the one which I can hold up as an example in stark contrast to the centimeter-shallow Stephenie Meyer and the outright sociopath Cassandra Claire. I want her to go on her merry way, doing Suethor-ish things here and there, but never swerving straight into the unforgivable…

…But then she wouldn’t be Cori Falls, I guess.

*to sporkers* Anyway, you two are free to go. Have fun.
Tom: Fer how long?
Jerry: Don’t look the gift Rapidash in the mouth! *grabs him and flees*

=END SPORKING=