Now Sporking: The Power That's Inside, Part 1/???

[guardians_song]

All right, guys! Time for another sporking!

…One 18,623 words long. Have fun!

A magenta-haired teenage girl buries her head in her hands. “Not again…”

A tough-looking teenager suddenly sits up, looking alarmed. “This one ain’t another furry fic, is it?”

No.

He shrugs. “Then it ain’t so bad, I guess.”
His companion looks up and shakes her head at him. “You know you’re tempting fate, don’t you?”

I guess he doesn’t!

ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!

THE POWER THAT'S INSIDE

by Cori Falls
 

@->->-

"ARBOK!!! POISON STING ATTACK!!!!!" Jessie screamed, the fires of Hell burning
in her eyes.

"Chaaaar-bok!" the cobra, who looked every bit as angry as her trainer COMMA! hissed.

But then, something unexpected happened.

Just as Arbok lunged forward and fired her poisonous needles at the aging
Scyther, one of the younger members of the swarm (the monster who'd deposed him...
Jerry: Wait – I thought Arbok was attacking the elderly Scyther, which implies that he’s an enemy of Team Rocket’s. Therefore, by Miss Falls’s usual system, shouldn’t they be pro-younger-Scyther?
Tom: Y’ fallin’ back into that “Earth Logic” habit’a yers again?
and
robbed Jessie of her hair, no doubt)
Tom: - An’ he’s th’ real one who massacred th’ Uchihas, taught Voldemort how t’ make Horcruxes, an’ corrupted Saruman, I’m sure.
broke free from the glue and blocked the
attack.

Now Jessie was really enraged.

"ARBOK!!! WEEZING!!! LICKITUNG!!! VICTREEBEL!!!
Jerry: (JESSIE!!!) SOMEONE!!! SET!!! US!!! UP!!! THE!!! SCYTHER!!!
(JAMES!!!) MAIN!!! SCREEN!!! TURN!!! ON!!!
ATTACK ALL AT ONCE!!!!!" she
screeched.

All of the pokemon charged forward, and I didn't hesitate in joining them. Our
friend's honor had been insulted (twice!), and we had to do everything in our
power to defend her! Those Scythers would pay dearly for chopping off Jessie's
hair.
Guardian’s Song: *literally bursts into hysterical laughter*

It’s like a line out of a parody of Cori Falls’s style! It’s a line out of a parody! Seriously, I’ve seen lines like that in deadpan parodies of the Anita Blake series!

Hoooly crud, Miss Falls, what were you SMOKING? How did you manage to take that line seriously? HOW?
(And once dey did, I was gonna personally Fury Swipe the livin' daylights
outta dat little bitch, Misty, for darin' ta make fun of her!)
Guardian’s Song: …Er, by being completely out of your bloody mind, apparently. Thank you for answering that question so quickly.

(Especially since Cori Falls, in line with her usual Serious Business attitude to Pokémon attacks, doesn’t mean Fury Swipes as ‘a bunch of red scrapes across the face that really sting’, the way it seems to go in the show. No, she actually DOES mean that Meowth plans to repeatedly sink his claws into a twelve-year-old girl’s face for laughing at the woman who’s repeatedly assaulted her friends and tried to kidnap her pets getting a bad haircut from a wild Pokémon.

I repeat that I mean to say nothing against the present-day Cori Falls in these sporkings, since she obviously wasn’t all right in the head at the time of writing these fics and has sobered up since then. But, whoo boy, was the old Cori Falls one crazy lady.)

But, alas, it wasn't to be.

The younger Scyther somehow managed to give the old one a power boost,
Guardian’s Song: How? Doing a Kaio-Ken Times Ten?
and he
started spinning around like a top. The five of us had built up so much momentum
in our charge, however, that by the time we reached the mantis, it was too late
to stop or change course, and we all got cut to ribbons by the razor-sharp
blades on his arms.
Tom: TH’ END.
Guardian’s Song: Nice try.

In a last-ditch effort to stop the Scythers, Jessie grabbed her glue-cannon once
again and took aim. "Grrr! I've still got one shot left!" she growled.

"Oh, no you don't!" Ash cried. "Pikachu! Thunderbolt!"

(Yeah, sure! Sick SIC the little electric rat on us again, why don't ya? I swear,
dat's the goddamn twerp's solution ta everything!)
Guardian’s Song: Does he HAVE any other Pokémon consistently in his party? D|

Pikachu began to bristle and spark, but before we could duck for cover, we found
ourselves enveloped by lightning. (It's strange, really. After all the times we
been electrocuted, ya think we'd be used to it by now, but we ain't! No matter
how much resistance we build up, dat rodent's attacks just keep gettin' stronger!
Jerry: *in a monotone* What a surprise! Pokémon get stronger with training and battling! Truly this is a revelation.
Tom: Fer these idiots, it is.
And today was no exception -- I swear, no shock we'd ever gotten before could
possibly compare ta dis!)
Jerry: Wait, isn’t that how Miss Falls’s James and Jessie describe their sex scenes?
Tom: An’ their angst.
Jerry: …Maybe we should just assume that, in this series, they have extremely poor long-term memory?
Tom: Th’ great thing about Poké-Alzheimer’s is that yer hittin’ a new best-sex-ever/worst-shock-ever/most-angst-ever scene ev’ry fic!
As Pikachu zapped us, I could feel the force of the
electricity surging through every fiber of my being...even piercing all the way
into the marrow of my bones. And I knew Jessie and James were getting it just as
bad as I was, if not, NO COMMA NEEDED worse! They screamed in agony, and I actually saw their
skeletons as the Thunderbolt ripped through them, frying flesh and bone alike!
Guardian’s Song: How are these people not dead?

For that matter, if Thunderbolt is so inhumane, why is it legal in League matches? Does Cori Falls even realize that Thunderbolt has 10 PP, and so could potentially hit some ~poor woobie~ Pokémon ten times over the course of the match? Ought that not to count as animal abuse?

The canon answer is simple – everyone in the anime is hyper-durable, and can brush these things off with minimal problems. In this story, however? She has no real answer as to why Pokémon aren’t treated as mini-WMDs.

Look, if you’re going to go Darker and Edgier, you had better take it to its logical conclusion, or you’re going to have plot holes you could drop a Snorlax through.

And that was just the beginning!

Before we could recover from Pikachu's attack, we saw the old Scyther charging
us.
Tom: - 3000¥ for his cameo in this fic.
He hacked and slashed with his blades, and suddenly, I found myself
surrounded by a flurry of red and purple silken threads.
Tom: (James) *shrieks and covers self* MY UNDERGARMENTS!

I was almost afraid to look at my two friends, but I did anyway. And when I saw
them, my fears were confirmed --
Tom: (Meowth) Jessie was wearing James’s underwear!
the red and purple raining down on me was their
hair!

It was bad enough that the young Scyther had cut Jessie's long mane short this
morning, but now this old one had to make things worse and shave her completely
bald! And as if that weren't bad enough, he'd shaved poor James's head, too! All
of their once glorious hair was gone, and the two of them were left with nothing
but mohawks!
Jerry: I think you need to learn what “COMPLETELY bald” means, Miss Falls.

Unable to stand the pain and humiliation any longer,
Tom: ‘A what? Gettin’ a haircut?
we turned tail and ran.

And as Team Rocket went dashing off again,
Tom: (Jessie and James) Dear Emo Diaries,

We can barely endure the horrible pain and trauma of this cruel, unfeeling world. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever in the history of the Pokémon world. *teardrop-stained pages* The only thing left to do now is to express our excruciating anguish in the most terrible way possible…

*take out razors and begin shaving off eyebrows*
I swear to God I heard those sadistic
twerps laughing at us.

(Ha, ha. Very funny. Some people got a real sick sense a humor.)
Guardian’s Song: I’m sorry, the woman who wrote New Directions has no right to preach about sick senses of humor. True, this was written before that point, but the sheer enormity of that fic almost ought to echo through time to contaminate her fics soon before the break as well.

…Or maybe I’ve just gone nuts. :P

@->->-

(Let Meowth start by sayin' dat dis had ta be, without a doubt, one of the
suckiest days of our lives!
Tom: Y’ know, Falls, I was kiddin’.
Jerry: She wasn’t.
I mean, sure, we're always gettin' messed up by dose
stupid kids when we go against 'em, but today we hadn't even been doin' anythin'
"wrong!"
Guardian’s Song: Sarajayechan, you’ll have to testify as to whether this is correct or not, because I never saw the episode. Still, I somehow suspect this is getting exaggerated.

We were just mindin' our own business, doin' a little sight-seein' on Murka
Island, when suddenly, a wild Beedrill came outta nowhere and busted a couple a
holes in our Meowth balloon! We crashHYPHENlanded in the forest, and before we could
figure out what was goin' on, we found ourselves surrounded by a swarm of
Scythers.

And dose Scythers meant business! Dey charged in and slashed with dose gigantic
blades, but we managed ta duck outta the way and run ta safety before dey could
decapitate us. Unfortunately, we hadn't escaped unharmed -- the Scythers had
targetted TARGETED Jessie, and one of them managed ta hack off all her hair!

I tell ya, when Jess found out dat her hair was gone, it's like she became a
different woman. She ain't never hurt a pokemon in her life,
Jerry: Excuse me?!
Tom: Yer in Team Rocket! Yer goin’ t’ hurt SOMETHIN’ along th’ way! A whole lotta SOMETHINGS, if yer any good at th’ job at all!
but she was gonna
kill dose Scythers for what dey'd done!
Guardian’s Song: That would be a lot more innocuous if I didn’t fear, after reading the WRH fics, that Cori Falls genuinely meant that Jessie would have killed those Scythers.
Fortunately, James and I managed ta calm
her down some
Guardian’s Song: …and at times, she was strange and dangerous. But mostly she was sweet and scared and harmless. […] I was always her favorite. […] …I could get her to calm down when she was in one of her rages […]

Congratulations, Cori Falls, you have managed to make this fic fail the Dumbledorecest competence test BEFORE it got to any shipping. How did you manage THAT?!
and convince her dat it'd be better ta capture the Scythers
instead.

And capture 'em, we did! Jess shot at 'em with a glue-cannon and caught 'em all
in a big net. It didn't do nothin' for her temper, though. She was still awfully
pissed about her hair, and she started pokin' the Scythers with a big stick,
screamin' about how she was gonna make 'em sorry dey ever messed with her!
Jerry: Er, and now you are hitting the part when you were doing anything “wrong”.

Hey! Things get messy when ya mess with Jessie!

James and I tried ta calm her down again, but ta no avail. She told us dat she
couldn't forgive the Scythers cuz her hair was her only friend...and her one
true love.
Guardian’s Song: Remind me HOW Cori Falls managed to mistake these characters for Serious Business when they had lines like THAT?
Well, I know she was real upset about losin' her hair and all, but
how could she make an insensitive remark like dat?!
Tom: An’ it took y’ THIS long t’ realize yer fics didn’t mesh too well with canon?
How could she say her hair
was her only friend when she had James and Meowth and all our pokemon?!
Jerry: *sigh* I really do hate to say this, but… Do the words “drama queen” ring a bell?
How
could she say her hair was her one true love when she had a best friend, a lover,
and a soul-mate in James?!
Tom: ‘Cause yer Rocketshippin’ fics ain’t canon, y’ idiot!
Guardian’s Song: *off-topic* *incoherent whimpering* Please, PLEASE don’t direct me to the Jessie/her hair fics on the Pokémon Kink Meme! I know they must exist! I still don’t want to see them!

She fell to the ground and started cryin' but before we could make an attempt ta
comfort her, the sobs quickly gave way to laughter...the laughter of a madwoman!
Tom: T’ th’ author makin’ a cameo?!
And when she turned ta face us again, I swear it wasn't Jessie lookin' at us --
it was a demon! Her beautiful face was unrecognizeable UNRECOGNIZABLE, contorted into the most
evil leer I'd ever seen!
Tom: (Meowth) Den I realized dat was how she usually looked befoire she and James got it on, and I decided I hadta run.
No, dis woman before us definitely wasn't Jessie. The
real Jessie had disappeared along with
Tom: - any trace’a canon characterizations.
her gorgeous mane of hair. All we were
left with now was a short-haired lunatic!
Tom: Oh, are y’ short-haired, Cori?

Before she could regain her sanity, however,
Guardian’s Song: …*points to fic, looking very confused* How does she manage to write Ariana!Jessie before Deathly Hallows came out?

Seriously, say what you will about the other aspects of their characterization under Cori Falls, but Jessie and James’s romance, minus the sexual aspect, matches up almost perfectly to Ariana and Aberforth’s canonical sibling relationship. This is indescribably weird.

I keep bringing up Ariana and Aberforth not only because of the similarity, but because the similarity sinks the in-story “proofs” of Jessie and James’s true love. They’ve known each other all their lives, you say, Cori Falls? Well, so did Ariana and Aberforth. James is the only one who can calm Jessie down? Well, and so was Aberforth for Ariana. Jessie is a fragile, damaged girl under her ill-tempered and violent exterior, and she needs a sensitive, caring bloke like James to take care of her? Well, so was Ariana, and that bloke was Aberforth. Jessie and James have a special bond no one else can match, let alone understand? Well, so did Ariana and Aberforth. James is Jessie’s partisan, and sees through her flaws to the sweet and scared and harmless girl beneath? Well, so was Aberforth towards Ariana.

I know I sound like I’m drafting a ship_manifesto post for Ariana x Aberforth, but that’s my point. Ariana and Aberforth weren’t a couple, much less the truest of true loves. (Whether you could argue them to be platonic soulmates is irrelevant. Cori Falls is specifically aiming for the romantic aspect for Jessie and James.) Therefore, the same material doesn’t mean diddly-squat for Jessie/James.

You cannot float a ship upon an ocean of hurt/comfort alone.
the twerps had ta get involved, and
dey only made things worse! Jess was already unstable,
Guardian’s Song: Um, Miss Falls?

ARIANA/ABERFORTH TALLY: ||||
and havin' dose brats
laugh at her and dat rotten little Misty ask if her hair had been cut by a
barber or a butcher was too much!
Guardian’s Song: Good gad, Miss Falls, you take “hypersensitive” to entirely new levels.

And, well, ya know the rest.

We got our asses kicked when the twerps and the wild pokemon ganged up on us, we
lost our chance ta get revenge for Jessie's haircut, and she and James ended up
with mohawks! It was more den just defeat today -- even though we did get hurt
worse den usual in dat battle -- it was embarassing EMBARRASSING...it was an insult!
Jerry: And you aren’t embarrassed by your USUAL defeats?
Tom: After a while, they didn’t even pretend t’ dignity, I guess.

Like I said, one of the suckiest days of our lives.)

@->->-

We didn't stop running until we made it back to the place where our balloon
crashHYPHENlanded that morning...where this whole nightmare began. Exhausted and
injured beyond normal human (and pokemon) capacity, we all collapsed and began
gasping for air.

Once he'd caught his breath, James got to his feet and winced as he ran a hand
across his newly-shaven See? Hyphens aren’t that hard! head. It was going to take him awhile to get used to the
fact that his hair wasn't there anymore. "Shit!" he growled.
Tom: (James) Excrement! Fornication! Damnation! Voting Republican!
(Jessie) What?
(James) Oh, I was just going up the ladder of increasingly indecent things, as fandom usually ranks them.

And as upsetting as it was for him, it was infinitely worse for poor Jessie.
Lacking the energy, or the presence of mind...or both, to do anything else, she
simply curled herself into a ball and began to mutter incoherently as she rocked
herself back and forth.
Guardian’s Song: O____________________________________O

Now that we were out of immediate danger and the adrenaline rush had worn off, I
suddenly felt a searing pain on my face SOMEHOWTM. I clutched it for a moment, and when I
brought my paw away, I found it covered with blood. My blood! That son of a
bitch had slashed me right across the face!

(Yep. Ta say dat we'd been totally screwed-over dis time would be an
understatement.)

But we weren't the only ones -- our four poke-pals
Ariana: Poking is not for pals! D:
were just as messed up as we
were! Like Jessie, James, and me, all of them had been slashed and electrocuted
practically beyond recognition.
Tom: (Meowth) Foir us, it was de terrible state only known as “Tuesday”.
Jerry: I think you mean “A day starting with F, M, T, S, or W, and ending with an “y”.”
Tom: Yeah, yer right.
(I dunno, but it seems real hypocritical dat
dose little bastards, who claim ta be the heroes who love all pokemon,
Jerry: When did they claim that?
always
get some kinda perverse pleasure outta hurtin' Arbok, Weezing, Lickitung,
Victreebel...and Meowth.
Jerry: (Meowth) All we eva did was try ta steal their pets and friends, tie ‘em up and leave ‘em foir dead, and repeatedly attempt ta defraud them and assault them! How could dey possibly think dat’s woise den *sob* GETTIN’ A HAIRCUT?!
Jessie and James ain't never abused a pokemon in dere
lives...
Tom: You’re in TEAM ROCKET! TEAM ROCKET! Are y’ OUTTA YER BLOODY MINDS?!
and dey're supposed ta be the bad guys?! What's wrong with DIS picture?!)
Tom: Yer bein’ outta yer mind?.

James was pacing about and muttering a string of curses under his breath, his
bald head clutched in his hands. From the look in his eyes, I could tell that
something more than his recent haircut was on his mind -- he didn't just look
angry...he looked downright terrified!
Jerry: (James) What will Cori do when she needs to describe my luxurious locks NOW?! I don’t even want to think of it!

But the pokemons' whimpering quickly snapped him out of it.

"Oh," he said softly, kneeling next to the four of them. "What have those brats
done to you this time?"

James began to cry as he pulled Weezing into an embrace. Arbok and Lickitung
nuzzled against him,
Jerry: If by “nuzzled”, you mean “wrapped its tongue around his legs and tried to reel them in”.
and even the normally aloof Victreebel drew closer.
Jerry: If by “drew closer”, you mean “promptly tried to engulf him”.

Freeing one of his arms, James hugged all of the other pokemon as well. "I'm
sorry," he said as he continued to cry. "It's our fault you're always getting
hurt like this...we're so sorry...."
Jerry: (James) We’ll never do it again… until next episode…

Victreebel screamed. (Damn right it's all your fault!
Jerry: …Miss Falls. VICTREEBEL is the most sensible character in this story.

Do you realize when you should have first considered going back and starting this fic over?
I don't know why I even
listen to you! Baka humans!
Tom: An’ now she’s breakin’ out th’ fangirl Japanese?! Falls, I thought that was th’ one fandom vice y’ DIDN’T have!
Can't be trusted....)

"Weee-zing! (Don't blame yourself, James. I can't speak for the others, but I
was out there because I wanted to be! Jessie is my friend, too, and I had to
help defend her!)"
Guardian’s Song: Sadly, for a moment there, it almost sounded like a canon-plausible sentiment.

"Chaaar-bok! (Weezing is right! That bastard Scyther had to pay for what he did
to my Jessie...and when those twerps dared to laugh at her misfortune, they had
to pay, too!)"
Guardian’s Song: …And, if you assume for a moment that Arbok is rather spiteful, that’s also plausible.

"Tung! Licki-lick! (Yeah! Nobody hurts Jessie and gets away with it! We may feel
bad right now, but I promise you, we'd feel even worse if we hadn't even tried
to help her!)"
Guardian’s Song: …And that might be plausible coming from a Pokémon not shown to be as, ah, single-minded as Lickitung.

Hearing the noble sentiments of his three companions,
Guardian’s Song: *nearly falls off bed laughing* THAT, though? That – Ahahahaha! Good gad, HOW does she manage to confuse POKÉMON with epic fantasy?!

(I reiterate my comments elsewhere that Cori Falls would have been so much happier in Fire Emblem fandom...)
Victreebel relented and
dropped his callous facade.
Guardian’s Song: Tsundere!Victreebel?

Good gad, I know I mock Cori Falls (OBVIOUSLY), but I give her due credit for being an independent thinker and devoting herself utterly and persistently to her fanfiction universe. It takes true talent to come up with something that bizarre. And she gifted the fandom with so much WTFery that it would take a very long time indeed to go through and analyze it all.

Yes, she’s an unusual Omega-Suethor indeed. Most Omega-Suethors have the gadawful nature of their fics stemming from a deadly mixture of sociopathy and stupidity. In the case of Cori Falls? It just stems from sheer batshittery.
(I know, I know. Scyther had to be punished for
chopping off Jessie's hair...
Guardian’s Song: …Um, Miss Falls? When I claim you’re batshit insane in my commentary on the previous line, you really don’t have to confirm that immediately.
and those brats had no right to interfere!)

"So, what're we gonna do now?" I asked, the metallic flavor of blood seeping
into my mouth when I opened it to speak. (I couldn't see it, but dat musta' been
one helluva gash I had on my face!)
Jerry: Yes, and Ash gets much more than “one helluva gash” in the later fics. Your point?

"Well, first, we have to get you guys patched up," James replied.

(Dat's one of the things dat makes Jessie and James such great trainers -- no
matter how badly dey get beaten, dere pokemon are always the first ones ta get
healed if dey happen ta get blasted off with us. It's one of the reasons why all
of 'em are so loyal and don't mind puttin' dere lives on the line when called
upon. Dey know dere trainers love 'em...and the feelins are mutual!)
Jerry: (Rocket Pokémon) But right around now, we’d like you to stop getting us into these messes.

"After that...." he continued, casting a forlorn look at Jessie, who was still
curled in a ball and talking to herself. "....Well...I don't know...."

"Poor Jess. She's really takin' dis hard," I remarked.
Tom: She’s havin’ a mental breakdown over a HAIRCUT. She’s havin’ a mental breakdown over a haircut.

She’s HAVIN’ A MENTAL BREAKDOWN OVER A HAIRCUT!!!

James frowned and turned away, unable to bear the sight of her anymore.
Jerry: That describes the feelings of the readers quite well around now.
Then, he
brought a few potions and rolls of
Tom: - fat.
bandages from the balloon.

"Okay, line up, guys," he said in a broken voice.

One by one, James sprayed all of the pokemon with potions and gently tied
bandages around the wounds that hadn't been instantly healed. "There. That
should hold you over until we can get to an actual pokemon center."

Then, he turned to me. "Ouch! He really sliced you, Meowth," he remarked as he
placed a hand under my chin and forced me to look up at him.

"How bad is it?" I asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

"It's big, but it's not deep," he replied.
Tom: (Meowth) Dat’s what she sa- OWWWW!
(James) Hush! This is a children’s show!
(Meowth) Yeah, but tell dat ta Cori Falls!
"You're lucky...."

"Lucky?!" I said in disbelief. "It feels like my whole damn face got ripped off!"
Jerry: Don’t give post-Break-From-Canon!Cori Falls any ideas!

He frowned again and brought out the last bottle of potion.

"Meowth, I'm warning you right now -- this is going to hurt."

"Heh. Sorta like
Tom: - readin’ through these fics?
pourin' lemon juice on a paper cut?"

"Something like that."

With that, James tilted my face upwards again and spritzed some medicine onto
the gash. And he wasn't joking about it hurting, either -- it felt like my whole
head was being stung by a swarm of mad Beedrills! I resisted the urge to scratch
James across the face, knowing that he was only helping me, and he did his best
to alleviate the pain by fanning the wound with his hand. A few minutes later,
the stinging subsided.

"There you go. All better," he told me.

I looked up at him. It was so strange to see him with nothing but a small mohawk
where his once shoulder-length hair had been. And it was even more so for Jessie
-- she'd lost an entire mane of hair! Seeing her bald was downright creepy!
Jerry: (Meowth) Seeing her bald and going completely outta her mind ovia it was even creepier.
"Thanks,
James. I just wish I could say the same for you and Jess," I replied sadly.

James hung his head and sighed. Healing me and the pokemon had taken his mind
off of it for awhile, but now that he was thinking about it again, the
frightened look returned to his green eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean ta bring it up...."

James wrapped his arms around himself and shuddered.

"Gone...gone...everything's gone...." Jessie's despairing voice from where she
was still huddled.
Guardian’s Song: …Oh boy. If I had never read any Cori Falls fic before this sporking, and I knew nothing about her behavior, this is the point where I’d be wondering if she genuinely needed mental help.

I can’t say anything more. Look at what’s on the page. Look. Please.

The more I spork of her fics, the more I’m desperately glad that she dropped out of sight and got her head straightened out away from fandom.

That's when I realized that this was about more than just physical appearance.
Having all of their hair chopped off had triggered some painful memories in
Jessie and James, and these memories were slowly driving them insane. (Well,
driving James insane, anyway -- Jessie was already dere...been dere since her
hair had been whacked short dat mornin'!)
Guardian’s Song: This is not a plot developed by an entirely sane woman!

Look. To anyone on my f-list who has ever worried about having done a few bizarre things in the throes of stress and emotional instability, I must say –

Was there ever a point in time where you would have written two characters of sound mind breaking down in tears, declaring that day to be one of the worst of their [highly angsty] lives, and suffering mental breakdowns over involuntary haircuts? And have taken it entirely seriously?

If not, be ye rest assured. Your judgment may have been impaired, but you had not completely lost your friggin’ mind.
I had no idea what these memories
could be, but they must've been really disturbing.
Jerry: Like this fic?!
All I did know was that we
couldn't stay here. The longer we stayed, the worse it would get.

"C'mon, youse guys!" I said. "Let's get outta here!"

"W-what about the balloon?" James asked.

"Well, we gotta fix it, of course, but the sooner we do, the sooner we can leave!"

He nodded.

"C'mon, Jess!" I called. "Come help us patch up the balloon."

She gave no reply, just stayed where she was and continued to rock back and
forth.

"Jessie!" I called again.

Silence.

"Jessie?" Now I was really worried.

Slowly, she turned to face us. But I didn't recognize the woman I saw. Her blue
eyes were dead...devoid of light. The look on her face was that of a soul lost
in the deepest pit of Hell.
Guardian’s Song: I can’t even laugh at this anymore. This is bloody terrifying.

Cori Falls wrote this with a straight face. This is not a self-parody, as will become abundantly clear. She wrote this with a straight face.

"C-c'mon, snap out of it, Jess," I said nervously. "Stayin' here can't be good
for ya. Just help us fix the balloon so we can get outta here. Please?"

"What's the use?" she asked softly. "The damage has been done."

"Yeah, but dose Scythers may come back," I argued. "Ya wanna get slashed up
again?!"

"What does it matter? Let them come." Her voice was calm. Too calm.
Guardian’s Song: In case you’ve forgotten? This is over getting an involuntary haircut.

She’s having a lost-the-will-to-live episode over GETTING AN INVOLUNTARY HAIRCUT.

Jessie is not sane in this fic. And the author thinks she is. That is not a good sign in the slightest.

Above me, I heard a sniffling sound. James was starting to cry.

"Jessie, you're scaring me," he whimpered. "Please, can't we just get out of
here?"

She closed her eyes and turned away from us again.

Tentatively, James reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder as she began to
cry. "It's okay, Jess," he said in a small voice. "It's okay. I know how you
feel...."

Suddenly, Jessie's face contorted into an evil leer, and she smacked his
Tom: (Meowth) – rump, and I fled foir dear life.
hand
away. "SHUT UP, JAMES!!!" she screamed. "YOU DON'T KNOW A GODDAMNED THING ABOUT
HOW I FEEL!!!!!"
Jerry: (James) YOU’RE RIGHT!!! AND NEITHER DO THE READERS!!!

Well that did it.

There isn't a sweeter guy in existence than James.
Tom: Waaaaait… Ain’t this James/Jessie? Not James/Meowth?
Jerry: *BRAIN BLEACH*
But as gentle and even-tempered
as he is, even he's got his breaking-point.

And Jessie had just driven him to it.
Tom: *narrating* She just told him he’d have t’ give up crossdressing fer th’ rest’a his life!

"IS THAT SO?!" he screamed back. "WELL MAYBE YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW A
GODDAMNED THING ABOUT HOW I FEEL!!!"
Guardian’s Song: Out of curiosity, Miss Falls, do you have an uncle called Tommy Wiseau?

(James) YOU ARE TEARING ME APAAAAAWT, JESSIE!

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"You know damn well what that means!"

"Enlighten me anyway," she said through clenched teeth.
Guardian’s Song: (Jessie) I DID NAWT HIT HIM! I DID NAWT! I – OH, HAI MEOWTH!

James frowned at her. "It means," he sneered,
Guardian’s Song: Oh, now I see the Snape-fan.
"that if you weren't so self-centered,
you'd be able to see that...."

"SELF-CENTERED?!" she screamed, cutting him off.

"Yeah, you heard me!" he shot back. "All day long, you've been whining about how
you've lost your one true love, and I'm sick of it!" His voice was pure venom --
Jessie really had hurt him with that remark!

Jessie's eyes widened for a moment, and she scowled again. "How DARE you?!"

The two of them were nose to nose. If I didn't do something quick, it looked
like things were going to come to blows!
Jerry: *sigh* You know, this is really not helping all the lines about how their relationship was stronger than ever and how they’d never come into conflict again.
Guardian’s Song: Yeah, this stinks to high heaven of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Tom: An’ neither’a them is th’ innocent victim here, either…
I know for a fact that James would
rather die than hurt Jessie, but right now, he actually looked like he wanted to
smack her!
Tom: (Meowth) Meanwhile, Jessie’d happily knock HIS lights out. ‘Cause female-on-male abuse is just fine an’ dandy!

My stomach knotted as I watched him clench his fists, but instead of hitting her,
he backed away and took a deep breath. "I'd tell you to go to hell, but it looks
like you're already there," he said sarcastically.

Jessie slapped him.
Tom: Falls, maybe th’ spork captain has a point about y’ not needin’ t’ prove our points.
"Then why don't you join me?!"

"I don't know which is uglier, your behavior or your new haircut!" he growled as
he turned away from her and stormed off into the woods.

Wow! Talk about the wrong thing to say! No matter how insensitive Jessie can get,
it's never a good idea to insult her like that.
Jerry: You know, hitting someone in the face doesn’t make you insensitive. That’s not the right word.
Tom: (Jessie) I DID NAWT HIT HIM, I DID NAWT. EXCEPT I DID.
Guardian’s Song: D| Yeah, I really asked for it with that line.
And it's an especially bad idea
when she's in such a foul mood.
Guardian’s Song: Cori Falls just said that James made Jessie hit him.

Read that line again. She just said James was asking for it. Because he should have known better than to provoke her like that.

Forget problematic, this damn fic is likely triggering.
(Yeah, I know I do it all the time, but it's
always in jest! James had been perfecTly serious with what he'd just said.)

I was afraid Jessie would try to kill him for that insult (as psychotic as she'd
been acting all day, I certainly wouldnt've put it past her),
Guardian’s Song: …
…
…
…Sarajayechan? That… might deserve a special bullet point in the “Double Standard Abuse Female On Male” entry on the Cori Falls page. With the emphasis that this is her supposed SOULMATE here. And that this was triggered by a HAIRCUT.
but she didn't.
Instead, tears welled up in her eyes and she shouted, "Yeah, like you have any
room to talk!" after him as he walked away.

What the hell had that fight been all about?!
Jerry: That’s what the readers are asking.
James was only trying to comfort
Jessie by reminding her that she wasn't alone, and she'd gone ballistic on him!
Jerry: Er… yes, we saw that.
And then, James turned around and went ballistic on her, too!
Jerry: We saw that too…
James's parting
words had hit her harder than a punch in the face,
Jerry: Er, hello? Anyone home?
and at the moment, she looked
like she really wanted to break something (somethin' like Meowth, who was the
only convenient target for her anger.)
Jerry: …So Jessie is the sort of person who takes her rage out on blameless others, is she?

I thought Cori Falls was a fan of hers. This is nothing but ridiculous character-bashing.
Tom: Eh, Falls probably thinks it’s a compliment…

What had become of the Jessie I knew? I didn't want to be left alone with this
madwoman...this stranger.
Jerry: So she ADMITS she’s writing Jessie OOC?!
Guardian’s Song: I’m not entirely one to preach, but it is stupid to consistently write how OOC someone is and not realize that one’s writing them OOC.
She frightened me. I wanted to follow James and see if
he was going to be okay, but when I tried to go after him, I felt a vice-like
grip on my tail.

"Where do you think you're going, cat?"

"Uhhh...."

"You said you wanted me to fix the goddamned balloon, so we're fixing it," she
said in a voice barely restraining rage.

"Y-yeah! Yeah, I knew dat!" I said nervously.

Her sapphire eyes narrowed to slits
Jerry: According to the TV Tropes page, that’s two hits on the Cori Falls Drinking Game.
Tom: Fresh Water, Soda Pop, or Lemonade?
Jerry: …That’s right, we’re not allowed alcoholic beverages, are we? *sigh*
as she glared at me. Like a wild animal, she
could sense my fear, and I was afraid she'd take advantage of it.
Jerry: You are portraying her as a psychopath. Those are lines out of a SLASHER FLICK. And you call yourself a Jessie-FAN?

So, I did my best to hide it.

"Don't worry, Jess," I told her. "I'm sure James didn't mean what he said.
Besides, he don't stay mad for too long. He'll be back soon...."
Jerry: (Meowth) Do it ta Julia, not me! …I mean “James”!

"Who asked you?!" she snapped.

I could feel a sweatdrop rolling down my face. "Hey, hey! I was just tryin' ta
help!" I said, holding up my paws.

Jessie closed her eyes and turned away from me. "Whatever," she sighed.

"Why don't ya get the patch-kit outta the balloon while I go find the holes dat
Beedrill made?" I suggested, changing the subject.

"Yeah," she muttered.

While she was searching for
Jerry: - her sanity -
the kit, I went around the side of the balloon and
located one of the holes. It didn't look too serious -- nothing a fiveHYPHENminute
patch-job couldn't fix, but I knew that the Beedrill had made two holes when it
busted our balloon, so I had to find the other one as well.

Going around to the other side of the balloon, I immediately found the second
hole. But I found something else, too. Something that made me sick to my stomach.

It was Jessie's hair...
Tom: *bursts into uproarious laughter*
or what was left of it, anyway. The magnificent mane that
had crowned her head this morning was now shredded, hacked to pieces, scattered
about, and trampled into the ground, so badly mangled that it was barely
recognizeable RECOGNIZABLE. The crimson color faintly showing through the dirt was the only
indication that this massive heap of refuse had once been my friend's beautiful
hair.
Tom: *nearly falling out of his chair with laughter*

Jessie's hair had been a great source of pride to her. She always kept it clean,
immaculate, and perfectly coifed. Seeing it so defiled now was obscene!
Tom: *falls out of his chair*
And if
it was making me sick to behold, I could only imagine what it would do to poor
Jess. She had already gone over the edge. This would be the final insult!

I knew that I couldn't let Jessie see her hair like this. I had to make sure she
avoided it at all costs.
Tom: *rolling on the floor laughing*
Jerry: *silently covers her face with her hands*

"Hey, Meowth, did you find the hole?" she asked, as if on cue.
Guardian’s Song: Er… are you two going to say anything?
Tom: *laughing incoherently*
Jerry: …
Guardian’s Song: Oh jeez.

Oh, crap! What am I gonna do?! I wondered.

I couldn't hide it -- I only had a few seconds, and there was way too much of it
to drag away or bury.
Tom: *cackling*
All I could do was stall for time.

Then, I got an idea -- maybe if I could get Jessie to patch the other hole first,
I'd have enough time to get rid of the mangled remains of her hair before she
saw it. But I had to distract her first....
Tom: (Meowth) IT’S BULLSHIT! I DID NAHT CUT HER HAIR! I DID NAHT! …OH, HAI JESSIE!

"Uh...yeah! Yeah, I found it," I replied in a shaky voice.

Jessie started heading towards me.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Dere's another hole. Why don't we fix dat one first?"

Jessie raised an eyebrow as she continued to advance on me. "What's the
difference? A hole is a hole."
Guardian’s Song: …So many jokes I could make… So many…

"Yeah...but...dis one's...real...nasty," I said lamely. The sweatdrop on my face
had become a river.

Now she was getting annoyed again. "Oh, come on, Meowth! How bad can it...."

Suddenly, the patch kit fell from her hands and she blanched.

Uh, oh.
Guardian’s Song: …Does ANYONE punctuate it like that? Is it a regional thing?

"W-wh-what is that?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"What's what?" I asked innocently.

Her hand was trembling violently as she pointed to the remains of her hair. I
was doing my best to block her view, but it was futile. How could one little cat
obscure such an immense pile of hair?
Tom: *suffocating from laughter*

"That."

"Uhhh...ummm...errr...." (Hoo, boy! How was I gonna get outta dis one?)

But before I could think of another lame excuse, Jessie shoved me out of the way
and fell to her knees. "M-my hair," she whimpered, lifting a few strands from
the dirt. "What have they done to my hair?"
Tom: …Can’t… AHAHAHA… breeeeeeathe -
Jerry: *grabs him and hauls him back on his seat*
Tom: *gasps for air*

"Jessie," I said softly, placing a paw on her shoulder.

"What have they done to my hair?!" she cried.
Tom: *bursts out laughing again*

Well, I knew that those Scythers had gone berserk when they saw her hair this
morning. They get enraged by the color red, and Jessie's gigantic plume of
crimson hair had probably sent them into a frenzy. A frenzy that couldn't be
stopped until all of the red had been destroyed.
Guardian’s Song: That actually makes sense.

Unfortunately, the logic won’t last. D: Come back, logic! Come back!

But I also knew that cold logic wouldn't do anything to comfort her. She knew as
well as I what seeing red did to Scythers, and the last thing she needed was an
image of those monsters defiling her hair.
Tom: *SNERK* Does Falls have a collection of ‘barrette-rippers’? Or ‘hairband-snapping fantasies’?

So, I said nothing. Just offered my tacit understanding as I continued to pat
her on the shoulder.

Jessie closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. Then, she slowly rose to
her feet and went calmly back to the basket of the balloon.

I didn't know what to make of her behavior. Seeing her like this was scaring the
living hell out of me --
Jerry: And of the readers.
Tom: Dunno about y’, but I’m laughin’ th’ livin’ heck outta myself.
I almost wished that she would lose her temper and
start screaming and destroying everything in sight. God knows, she had those
feelings inside of her (I know Jess well enough ta know how violent she gets
when she's upset),
Jerry: Is that actual acknowledgement of her characterization?!
and keeping them bottled up was only going to make them more
explosive when they finally did come out.
Guardian’s Song: I thought they already did come out.
I could sense the rage building inside
of her like steam in a pressure-cooker, and it was only a matter of time before
she blew her top.

She dug around in the basket until she found her backpack. Taking another deep
breath, she opened the backpack and pulled out a large bag. Then, still
remaining perfectly calm, she headed into the woods, in the opposite direction
that James had gone.

This presented me with a dilemma. I couldn't stay where I was -- both of my
friends needed my help! But I could only help one of them. Which one was it
going to be? Jessie or James?
Jerry: Cori Falls.

I really was worried about James. I had never seen him so angry with Jess before.
Tom: Nah, he’s clearly just angry with his haircut.

(James) How dare you! I clearly wanted the dreadlocks and hair-extensions!
(Not even on the day she stole dose Pokemon League badges from us and tried ta
leave us behind...and he was furious with her den!) It wasn't like him to lose
his temper so, and he looked like he'd been terrified of something.
Tom: Bein’ in another Cori Falls fic.
I knew that
he couldn't be left alone. He needed a shoulder to cry on, and I wanted nothing
more than to comfort him in his moment of need.
Tom: …An’ now I wish I hadn’t made that James/Meowth joke earlier…

But as worried as I was about him, I was even more worried about Jessie. After
everything that had happened earlier and how out of character she was acting now,
Jerry: Miss Falls, stop it! Acknowledging it does NOT make it better!
I knew that she couldn't be left alone either. It wouldn't surprise me if she
tried something desperate in her unstable mental state, and I couldn't let that
happen! So, at the risk of being beaten to a bloody pulp when she finally did
lose her temper (and believe Meowth, she would...it was only a matter of time),
I decided to follow Jessie.
Jerry: …She’s describing Jessie like an insane asylum escapee. She literally just wrote that Jessie posed a serious danger to herself and others.

Are we SURE she wasn’t a basher in disguise?
Guardian’s Song: I’d like to know the word count of all Cori Falls’s fics put together compared to the total word count of LOTR, because I’m not sure which one is larger.

I somehow suspect that no basher would take the joke THIS far.