guardians_song (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
guardians_song) wrote2013-05-23 01:13 am
guardians_song) wrote2013-05-23 01:13 am
Entry tags:
Now Sporking: The Difference, Part 1/4
A magenta-haired teenager frowns and looks up. "We're doing another sporking?"
"Don't y' have work fer Das Sporking an' Silver Sporks t' do? T' say nothin' of research?" her sandy-haired companion asks, looking askance at the screen from under his Rocket cap.
Procrastination knows no obligations! ...On second thought, you guys probably want to strangle me... :D;;
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
THE DIFFERENCE
by Cori Falls
@->->-
{Snip System of a Down lyrics. The song was "Aerials", if you want to look it up.}
@->->-
You know, whoever made up that "good guys always have to win and bad guys always
have to lose, regardless of the circumstances" rule really had their head stuck
where the sun don't shine.
Elbe: (Cori Falls) It clearly should be "good guys always have to win and bad guys always have to be brutally beaten to a pulp, regardless of how young, ignorant, or misguided they are"!
I swear, today could have been one of the best days
of our lives...but thanks to that damn rule
Jerry: They're literally blaming their ills on writing meta?!
Tom: Does Cori realize that, in-universe, they're blamin' their ills on th' universe literally bein' out t' get 'em? Didn't know paranoid schizophrenia was a trait'a romantic heroes.
(and those damn so-called good
guys),
Tom: So-called? By who?
it ended up sucking!
"We lost food, friends, and a festival," James sighed as he watched the fading
fireworks of the Wobbuffet Festival in the distance...a festival where WE
should've been honored guests.
Jerry: (Narrator) The aliens from Mars dictated that we should be honored with unlimited wealth, status, and Fruit Loops, but the aliens from Alpha Centauri told us that no, we could NOT have one more turn!!! And the aliens were, if you can believe this, ASH KETCHU!M!1!! He's been out to get us since the great planetary reunification of twenty thousand years ago! But we used our honored powers of swords from another dimension to stop him and the NRA from getting us, but then we...
Tom:
Jerry: I was trying to imitate the speech patterns of a paranoid schizophrenic. ...It just so happens to bear a disturbing resemblance to Scientology.
"We should've quit while we were ahead...."
"Ugh! Don't remind me!" Meowth groaned.
Jessie said something after that...something that sounded a lot like praise, but
I wasn't listening to her. All I could think about was our latest defeat and how
it never should've happened....
@->->-
It all started that morning, when Jessie, James, Meowth, and I arrived in a
small village populated entirely by Wobbuffet trainers. Normally, people would
take just one look at Jessie and James's Team Rocket uniforms and waste no time
in running us out of town, trying to have us arrested, or beating the living
daylights out of us.
Jerry: Then wear something else, you idiots!
Tom: Fer a fan, she sure likes t' make 'em stupider an' stupider...
But today could hardly be considred normal. When one of the
villagers -- a nice lady named Lulu -- saw me with Jessie, she assumed that we
were in town for their annual Wobbuffet Festival, and she invited us to her
house.
Jerry: ...This is being narrated by Wobbuffet?
She makes any Pokemon sound the same as all the other - er, sound articulate, doesn't she?
Tom: Nah. Bet she'd make any'a Ash's Pokemon sound as dumb as a ton'a bricks.
And Lulu was, indeed, a gracious host -- she gave us a big plate of hamburgers
and sandwiches and told us all about the festival. She then told Jessie and
James that I was a special pokemon, and she even tied a big, yellow ribbon
around my head so that everybody else could see how special I was, too!
It was a rare occasion when my friends and I were treated with such kindness by
a total stranger.
Jerry: (Jessie and James) It might have something to do with our habit of stealing the shirts off their backs...
Unfortunately, it wasn't to last.
After lunch, the four of us went on a tour of the village and met some of the
other Wobbuffet trainers. Jessie briefly considered stealing the festival food
Jerry: *facepalm* What did I just say?
and making a hasty exit when we came across the store-house (who knows where our
next meal would come from once the festival was over, after all?),
Guardian's Song: To be fair, I get the feeling from Piled Higher and Deeper that this is a common practice amongst graduate students so long as the food is already placed on buffet tables for public consumption.
I'd be somewhat more sympathetic to Jessie and James here if they preferred to dine off non-perishable, hardy food that would survive their lifestyles, but as is... why do you need ingredients for elaborate feasts, again?
but James and
Meowth didn't feel right about doing something like that to the people who'd
been so nice to us.
Jerry: This episode is from canon, apparently, which is why there's a distinct lack of self-justifying wangst.
Before we could debate the finer moral points of the issue, however, the twerps
showed up and accused us of attacking the villagers' Wobbuffets! (I honestly
don't know where that accusation came from!
Jerry: Are you out of your mind?!
Granted, we may be thieves, but
Tom: Aaaaaan' why doesn't th' sentence end there? Y'know, thieves are generally regarded as people who might steal yer stuff. Especially when y' can't even be bothered t' change yer clothes out'a thief gear...
Jerry: ...And what's your excuse?
Tom: Well, when I'm not in a disguise, I... um...
[Flashback]
Tom: *in Team Rocket uniform in public* Whaddya looking at? I'm a hipster! Regular attire is so mainstream!
Another Person: Team Rocket uniforms aren't in fashion amongst hipsters.
Tom: Ha! I'm likin' them before they're cool! *poses*
[End Flashback]
Jerry: *unsuccessfully tries to repress a snort*
Tom: *turns red* It was - it was just an alibi! Y' say whatever y' have to with those!
Jerry: So, what's the address of your Tumblr?
Tom: *turns redder* Shaddup!
hurting pokemon just isn't our way!
Elbe: I wonder if the same argument would work for human trafficking? "Yes, we're professional kidnappers! But hurting little girls and boys isn't our way - we just turn them over to our bosses! It's not our responsibility what they do with them! We're just following orders!"
Guardian's Song: My apologies for bringing Serious Business into Pokemon, but it's Miss Falls who hauls in the Darker and Edgier whenever it benefits her woobies.
(On a tangent relevant to things I was talking about in other comms today - I do not like INCONSISTENT application of Darker and Edgier. Writing Darker and Edgier is one thing, writing Lighter and Softer is another, but bouncing between the two as it suits you is a cheap stunt to manipulate the readers' views and emotions. And I can roll my eyes at failed attempts at manipulation, but [as is often the case in the inconsistently-dark!fics] being manipulated and being expected to praise the author for ~enlightening~ me to the ~truth~ of affairs is something I DO NOT LIKE. AT ALL. Would anyone argue that this is exactly what Miss Falls is attempting?)
I guess those kids are just so goddamned
stupid that their microscopic minds can't grasp the concept that we're not
really evil!
Tom: Stop cryin' about it, y' wimps! Yer a disgrace t' all Team Rocket!
Jerry: *sigh* Does Cori Falls really not grasp that people might regard thieves as evil?
To phrase it in a real-world way, this is like objecting to ethnic profiling not because it implies all minorities of a certain type are criminals, but because it's discriminatory towards criminals. This isn't even arguing that they have to steal to survive! It's just objecting to people objecting to not enjoying being mugged!
All they see is the Team Rocket uniforms that Jessie and James
wear.
Tom: Do they hafta see anythin' else?
That's pretty sad, if you ask me!) Jessie, James, and Meowth tried to
explain that they hadn't hurt anybody or anything, and Lulu even came to our
defense and told Ash that we're nice people, but he still refused to believe us.
Tom: They don't believe th' testimony'a a nice, naive lady about known charmin', deceivin' con-artists an' career criminals? Th' nerve!
And when the real culprits showed up to crash the festival,
Guardian's Song: Oh.
Okay. Now this makes much more sense.
However, I do think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that the local career criminals are responsible for any nearby crimes. I could probably use Team Rocket's rap sheet as a wallpaper, depending on how many charges I packed into each episode. (Breaking and entering... fraud... assault and battery...) Honestly, how many of these do you think they've racked up by now? And I'm sure there are Pokemon-world-specific laws having to do with thievery of Pokemon - especially en masse, as Team Rocket prefers. I like the characters, but if we play it as realistically as Cori Falls wants us to, they ought to be locked up for a few hundred years, with reduction to a hundred for good behavior!
And she WONDERS why Ash might assume they're to blame? When he's been present for the vast majority of those few hundred counts of fraud, burglary, and assault and battery!?
those brats didn't
even have the decency to apologize for wrongfully accusing us -- they just got
nasty with us again!
Guardian's Song: I lack context. However, I'll grant Cori this point - with the caveat that Team Rocket's honestly lucky that Ash and friends don't knock them out, haul them to the nearest police station, and announce that they've brought in Public Enemies #9 and #10. (I'm trying to leave room for the Rocket Admins and Butch and Cassidy. Given that Butch and Cassidy tend to be subtler than Jessie and James, I'll assume that the two of them are, in fact, committing just as many crimes as their rivals, but are much more successful at not getting caught.)
REALISTICALLY, Miss Falls, Jessie and James are having their misadventures documented across several countries and continents, have disturbed the peace in most major cities in each of said countries, and have publicly harassed Ash HUNDREDS of times. If they were in their right minds, they should be thanking the local deities of thieves that the worst they get from Ash is a thorough chewing-out. He's well within his rights to do his damnedest to get them locked up for life.
(I swear, those twerps are the shittiest excuse for heroes
that I've ever seen!)
Well, we were all pretty outraged by the way we'd just been treated, and now
more than ever, Jessie wanted to just take the food and leave. We couldn't enjoy
the festival now that those brats were here -- even when we're just minding our
own business, they always assume we're up to no good and hassle us...
Tom: *drawling* Geeeeee. Ain't that th' straaaaangest thing y' evvvvver hearrrrrrd?
as this
latest encounter had just proven. And even if we tried to help them stop whoever
was causing all of this trouble, we knew they'd only repay us by finding some
way to turn the villagers against us
Jerry: (Ash) *hands them Jessie and James's rap sheet* Look, guys, just draw your own conclusions.
(Cori!Jessie and Cori!James) *bawling* IT'S JUST OUT OF CONTEXT!!!
(Villagers) Several hundred charges of fraud are out of context?!
and screw us over again. We can never do
anything right when those damn kids are around.
Guardian's Song: Fair point. And I do like Team Rocket when they do good. (And when they do bad... yes, I'll admit they're more interesting that the protagonists.)
But, as I think I've sufficiently emphasized, Team Rocket has given Ash every reason to believe that they're unrepentant, unreformed crooks. Their good actions in Pokemon 2000, amongst other times, are not enough unless they stop committing crimes!
While we were getting ready to leave, however, we saw what all of the commotion
was about. Apparently, the three punks who were beating up the Wobbuffets had
once used their pokemon to vandalize the town. Lulu and her Wobbuffet had
defeated them and run them off before...but now they were back for revenge, and
they wouldn't be satisfied until they'd thrashed every Wobbuffet in the village!
And to make matters worse, there was some rule that prohibited pokemon battles
during the Wobbuffet Festival, so there was nothing the villagers could do to
defend themselves...
Guardian's Song: *bursts out laughing* THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER!
No, seriously. That was CANON? Oh sweet gad, that is so stupid! Especially since these vandals are already pulling out Pokemon!
and nothing the brats could do since Officer Jenny wouldn't
let them fight either.
Guardian's Song: And she can't use her Pokemon to arrest the vandals?
This is beyond stupid! And this was a canon episode?! Good gad, what were the writers SMOKING?
As we watched those hooligans destroying the giant Wobbuffet statue in the town
square, we knew that we couldn't sit idly by and allow them to get away with it!
Rules or no rules, they were going to completely trash the village if somebody
didn't do something to stop them! And since my Wobbuffet honor was at stake (and
we think rules are stupid anyway), that somebody was going to be us!
Wasting no time, we got into our balloon, and Jessie dropped a flash-bomb on the
vandals. Then, she and James challenged them to a battle. Officer Jenny tried to
stop us, but she backed off when she realized that this was one time when the
law had to be broken.
Guardian's Song: Okay, I can understand why Cori Falls got so ticked off about this episode. To be fair, I'd be teed off if my favorite characters on a show were the only ones not wearing dunce caps for the episode and they still got mistreated. I do get teed off under similar circumstances.
But that still doesn't allow her to forget all logic!
Tom: *smirks* Yer usin' Earth Logic on this author?
Guardian's Song: Watch it. I'm the spork captain. Want to go spork Little Miss Mary?
Tom: *promptly shuts up*
Jessie and James fought valiantly, but Arbok and Victreebel were no match for a
Hitmonlee, a Machoke, and a Primeape.
Guardian's Song: *puzzled* Huh? I know, plot convenience, but... Poison resists Fighting. How did two Poison-types get beaten up so easily? And doesn't James also have Weezing available to send out?
That's not a snark on Cori Falls, obviously, but sometimes Pokemon Logic confuses me...
When my two companions were defeated, the
punks began to gloat, but this battle wasn't over yet.
This battle wouldn't be over until they'd faced me.
The three of them laughed and jeered when Jessie sent me forth, saying that I
was just one more Wobbuffet for them to beat, but I didn't let it get to me. I
wasn't just fighting this battle for my friends -- I was fighting it for a
village of people who'd actually treated us with hospitality...and I was
fighting it for Wobbuffets everywhere.
Jerry: ...WHAT?
Tom: *bursts out laughing* She can make anythin' overdramatic! Even a Wobbuffet!
THIS IS THE SKIN OF A FIGHTER!!!
I was sick and tired of everybody always
thinking that I'm a loser pokemon just because I can't initiate attacks, and I'd
be damned if I let them win!
When the battle began, I waited patiently for the enemies to attack...and when
they did, Jessie commanded me to fight back with my Counter. Sure enough, my
patience paid off -- every attack that Hitmonlee, Machoke, and Primeape
unleashed on me, no matter how powerful, got sent back on them when I countered.
Before long, all three of the fighting-types had been defeated, and their
trainers ran off in disgrace.
Jerry: (Vandal) Momma always wanted me to go to Smogon, but I dropped out to smoke and do drugs! *bawling*
(Jessie) You HAD to have been doing drugs! You went up against a Wobbuffet with purely physical Pokemon?!
That should've been the moment when things turned around for us. We'd protected
the villagers and saved the Wobbuffet Festival! Surely now those brats could see
that Jessie and James were good people
Guardian's Song: One good deed does not a good person make.
and give them a freakin' break, but alas,
it wasn't to be. Instead of allowing us to celebrate, Officer Jenny just scolded
us for breaking the festival rule...
Guardian's Song: Yes, I'll admit Officer Jenny is acting totally brain-dead.
*sigh* *through gritted teeth* All right, Miss Falls, this an episode where you had a point...
and the twerps STILL wouldn't admit that
they were wrong about us! (Yeah, there's a fine how-do-you-do! Sheesh!)
Not wanting to stick around and get in trouble, Jessie and James agreed that
they were bad for breaking the rules and volunteered to leave town. As we got
back into the balloon and took to the sky again, however, we made a big mistake.
We got greedy.
Guardian's Song: I'm not entirely sure whether this is canon or fanon, but I suspect the latter... You'll see why in a moment.
"Hey! Since Officer Jenny and those brats were going to hassle us anyway, why
don't we just go ahead and take the food?" Jessie suggested.
James frowned and shook his head. "I still don't think it's a good idea, Jess."
"Why not?!" she demanded. "We saved the day, and we weren't even going to get so
much as a thank you! I say we've MORE than earned that food!"
"I know," he sighed. "But these people actually treated us with kindness and
gave us a chance, Jessie. It just wouldn't be right to turn on them like that."
"We're not turning on them," she replied. "We're just claiming a few free meals
as our reward for helping them."
Heh. Can you say "rationalization," boys and girls? I remarked.
Guardian's Song: And Wobbuffet wins the argument! Everyone else can go home.
(This is why I think it's fanon - it requires Wobbuffet giving intelligent commentary, which... is not his canon characterization.)
"Good one, Wobbuffet!" Meowth snickered.
Jessie scowled at me. "Oh, don't tell me YOU'RE on their side, too!"
Well, James and Meowth are right -- stealing from people who were nice to us is
a scummy thing to do, and we're better than that! I retorted.
"Wobbuffet sez it'd just be scummy of us ta take dere food," Meowth translated.
"He don't want no part a dis either."
A pained expression crossed Jessie's face when she heard this. "Et tu,
Wobbuffet?" she sighed. "What's wrong with you?! Don't you want some kind of
reward for doing the right thing?!"
"Of course he does, Jessie," James replied for me. "We all do. But it's the
principle of the thing. If these people had treated us like shit, then I
wouldn't have any qualms about taking all of their food...but they didn't...."
Guardian's Song: *FACEPALM*
"I know they were nice to us, James," said Jessie. "But where are our principles
going to get us five or six days down the road, when we're starving to death
again? I wish it didn't have to be like this, but we have to look at the big
picture!"
Guardian's Song: (Jessie) Which is exactly why we're going to take perishable food that will go rotten in a few days. Don't we all love French toast?
"I guess yer right," Meowth sighed. "Principles ain't gonna feed us."
"Okay, you win, Jess. We'll take the food," James said reluctantly.
Alright, I conceded. But I still have a bad feeling about this....
Jessie smiled. "Good! I'm glad to see that you've all come to your senses! Now
let's grab that food!"
When our balloon drifted over the store-house, Jessie pulled a lever, and a
large claw extended from the base of the basket and broke through the roof.
After a moment, it emerged with a large sack of food.
Before we could relish our victory, however, the villagers saw what we'd done,
and Officer Jenny and the twerps gave chase. Misty sent her Staryu to bust a
hole in our balloon,
Tom: Y' really oughta get a tougher balloon, morons.
Guardian's Song: It's canon, though.
Tom: Y' think I'm gonna go easy on it just because it's an episode where the canon's even stupider than Falls's additions?
and she and the others were waiting for us when we crashed
down in the woods outside of town.
Not wanting our day of victories to be ruined, Jessie brought out Arbok again
and prepared to defend our food.
Guardian's Song: Well, hooray. Ash is defending the TOWN'S food.
Unfortunately, now that we weren't in town
anymore, nothing was stopping Officer Jenny or the brats from fighting...and Ash
promptly sent his Pikachu after us. The little electric rat used his Thunderbolt
and fried us before I could fight back with my Counter.
Jerry: What?!
...Miss Falls, Thunderbolt is a SPECIAL-Type move! SPECIAL! Counter would be USELESS! The move you want is MIRROR COAT!
Tom: I take it Miss Falls ain't a student at Smogon University either...
And just like always, Team Rocket went blasting off again....
@->->-
And now, as we all sat together on a remote cliff, reflecting on our day and
bemoaning all we'd lost, I found myself growing angrier and angrier with every
passing second.
I was really annoyed with Jessie. It had been her idea to steal the food, and if
she'd just left well enough alone, we might not be in this predicament now.
Guardian's Song: *shocked* Earth Logic?! In THIS fic?
But
as angry as I was with her, Jess wasn't really the problem. She'd only wanted to
take the food because we were hungry, and she knew that we had to keep ourselves
fed. Granted, it hadn't been a very nice thing to do, and it had only ended up
causing more trouble than necessary for us...but she could hardly be blamed for
wanting to keep us from starving.
Guardian's Song: Yes, she could only be blamed for mass thievery!
Seriously. Does the Pokemon world have no soup kitchens? Is the Team Rocket salary that low? If so, why don't they get a better-paying job - like a minimum-wage one? Or stop hunting someone who constantly wrecks their only property and never lets them get away with stolen goods? I know all of that is canon, but if Team Rocket consists of two people and several Pokemon constantly on the edge of starvation, as Cori Falls would have us believe, why don't they cut their losses and run until they can get THE BASICS OF SURVIVAL?
This is what I mean by "inconsistent application of Darker and Edgier"! It takes her until the Break From Reality - er, From Canon - before she gets Team Rocket out of this situation, and even there, she blames ASH for having kept them that way for so long! Er, lady? Ash didn't make them steal things!
No, the more I thought about it, the more I
realized that this was all the twerps' fault!
Guardian's Song: ...I finished that rant at an ironic time, didn't I? :\
If they hadn't shown up, there'd have been no reason for us to leave town...or
try to steal the food!
Jerry: What?! You were planning to steal the food WELL before they got there!
Tom: Shh. Stop yer Earth Logic.
I'm sure that stupid Officer Jenny still would've given
us a hard time for breaking the festival rule, but I'd overheard several
villagers praising us for what we'd done. They probably could have persuaded her
to go easy on us, considering that we'd only broken the damn rule to save their
festival! But no. Just like always, those goddamned twerps had to ruin
everything for us!
Tom: ...Y' know. As a Team Rocket member who's th' son'a two Team Rocket members -
I gotta say, y' sound like total sociopaths. Nothin's ever yer fault, it's everyone else's fault. Including th' universe's. Seriously, y' have no idea'a responsibility or th' consequences'a yer actions.
Ever since the day I met them, I've hated those kids. I remember, when my old
trainer, Benny, took me to the swap-meet in Pompona, he ran into them, and they
quickly became his friends. That alone was enough to make me despise them. You
see, Benny may have seemed like a nice kid on the surface, but in reality, he
was one of the worst trainers imaginable! He was always cutting me down, telling
me how stupid and worthless I am, just because I can't initiate attacks, and he
always told me I was ugly, too.
Guardian's Song: Is Cori Falls aware that Wobbuffet was in Overused in GSC only because of status attacks, which anime battles don't tend to use? Was Benny a complete numskull?
Tom: He appeared in this fic.
Guardian's Song: That's not a - Actually, that is an answer. Never mind.
But then when it came time for that big
swap-meet, he couldn't stop gushing about how great I was! (Yeah, if I was such
a great pokemon, then how come he couldn't wait to get rid of me? If he just
wanted to raise a new pokemon, like he said, then how come he couldn't just go
out and catch a new one? No leaps in logic there, folks!)
Guardian's Song: On one hand, it sounds like Cori Falls is just applying basic logic to the situation, and I have no complaint over kicking a stupid canon situation in the shins. But on the other, I KNOW that she'd completely overlook all that if Benny buddied up to Team Rocket and bashed Ash. -_-;;
I guess I hated Benny
because he was such a phony, and everybody bought into his act...especially
those twerps. Lickitung even told me that after we blasted off, he put on this
whole Oh, I hope that lady takes good care of my Wobbuffet! I'm gonna miss him
so much! production, and that it made her sick. Truth be told, I'm glad Benny
wanted to trade me -- I couldn't wait to get away from that little wank...
Guardian's Song: O_O It's spelled wank-ER, Miss Falls! WANKER!
and
I'm glad that Licki escaped from him and came back to Jessie, too! No pokemon
deserves a trainer that doesn't love them and has no qualms about trading them
away on a whim.
Guardian's Song: *plays a tragic song on a violin*
But as good as it felt to finally be free from Benny, it still
hurt to know that I wasn't good enough for him...that he got rid of me because
he thought I was ugly and useless.
Tom: When did Wobbuffet turn inta a SELF-IMAGE PSA?!
Jerry: I'm just waiting for him to start talking about his experiences with anorexia.
But I'm digressing, aren't I? Back to the twerps. I hated them from the get-go
because they thought Benny was so great, and they couldn't see him for what he
really was. And they became just as phony as he was so that they could help him
trade me. They didn't even know me, but they put on these big, cheesy grins in
front of everybody and couldn't stop talking me up -- the whole business made my
stomach turn!
Guardian's Song: It's called being nice. And if Team Rocket had done the same, you'd be saying just that, Miss Falls. *rolls eyes*
I know for a fact that Misty was lying through her teeth -- when she first saw
me, she basically told me to my face that nobody in their right mind would ever
want to trade for a pokemon like me...and then when she found out that the
others had overheard, she put on one of those cheesy grins, too and told them
she'd really meant to say that I was a great pokemon.
Guardian's Song: Welcome to comedy relief.
(Doesn't she know that we
pokemon can understand human speech?! How stupid did she think I was,
Tom: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BUFFET! WOB! *pulls a face and salutes*
Jerry: *quickly takes a photo with a silenced-shutter phone while his eyes are shut* Quality blackmail material...
that I
wouldn't even know she'd insulted me...
Tom: WOB WOB?
Jerry: *wishes she'd started recording sound*
or that a remark like that wouldn't hurt
my feelings?!)
Tom: Waaaaaaaa-buffet?
Jerry: *really wishes she'd started recording sound*
Jessie, James, and Meowth are trying to be friends with Misty now, but I feel no
such compunction.
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Because... that's just something Cori Falls made up, and I'm going by canon?
I know what that little bitch really thinks of me -- she's no
friend of mine! And quite frankly, I don't even think she's being a good friend
to Jessie, James, and Meowth! She told them not to take it to heart when she's
mean to them from now on and that she's only doing it to keep up appearances,
but if you ask me, she's trying a little TOO hard to keep up appearances. If
anything, she's been nastier to them than ever!
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Yeah, the author picked a bad time to do the secret-friendship plot.
If she were really their friend,
she'd make some kind of effort to be more civil to them in public, or at least
tell Ash to lay off every once in awhile!
Jerry: Yes, yes, she would. So, Miss Falls, do you think you should...
If I were Jessie and James, I'd tell
the brat that her lame attempt at friendship just isn't working out and to take
a hike!
Jerry: *FACEPALM*
And as bad as Misty is, Ash is about a million times worse! I knew he was a
phony when I met him at that swap meet, and he pretended to like me in order to
help Benny. But when I got traded to Team Rocket later that day, he showed his
true colors -- I learned that he hates me...for no other reason than because I'm
Jessie's pokemon.
Jerry: ...Yes, because you're being ordered around by a trainer with a known criminal history.
Come to think of it, Lickitung said the same thing happened to
her -- she told me that the twerps always treated her like shit when she was
Jessie's pokemon, but then when Benny had her at the swap-meet, they didn't have
a problem with her anymore.
Jerry: You know, the Bulbapedia article is uncertain as to whether they caught on that it was the same Lickitung...
Something tells me those little pricks are gonna
start hating her again if Jess ever puts her back in the active party. I've
heard horror stories from the other pokemon, too -- Meowth and Weezing told me
about times when Ash insulted a wild Meowth and another trainer's Weezing, just
because he associates them with Team Rocket!
Guardian's Song: A kid doesn't like Pokemon frequently used by his crazed stalkers. How horrible of him.
But the worst, I think, is what
Arbok told me. She said that a little over a year ago, she was badly injured in
a car crash, and when Jessie took her to the hospital, Ash tried to keep the
doctor from helping her! Arbok could have died, but that kid didn't even care --
he didn't think she deserved treatment, just because she's Jessie's pokemon!
Guardian's Song: I've heard this actually happened, in which case... All points go to Miss Falls from this round. *facekeyboard* yhju7f rgvthyjunbgtfvcde
It's like Ash automatically hates any pokemon associated with Team Rocket...like
we're all evil or inferior, just because we love Jessie and James. (Real nice
attitude for somebody who claims to love all pokemon and wants to be a pokemon
master! Sheesh!)
Tom: Just shaddup an' go t' therapy, y' emo Wobbuffet! No one damn CARES about yer Jailhouse Blues!
Well, if there's one thing I know about that kid, it's that he's never going to
be a true pokemon master. Not unless dumb luck is on his side, anyway -- he's
sure as hell not gonna get there with his skills!
Guardian's Song: *glumly* Miss Falls, you got your wish. He's still not a Pokemon Master...
I swear, that kid is so stupid
it makes my head hurt! And as if that weren't bad enough, he's a mean little
bugger, too! I haven't known him for very long, but I do know that he's never
won a match against us fair and square --
Tom: Yer in Team Rocket, and yer tryin' t' win matches fair an' square? What's wrong with y'?!
he always outnumbers us by using
several of his pokemon at once, or he gets his friends to gang up on us! That
doesn't exactly strike me as the most ethical way to fight a pokemon battle --
Guardian's Song: I wasn't aware there were rules of conduct to self-defense. Do you also have to bow beforehand, engage in pre-match warmup, and put on special clothes?
if he were a REAL trainer, he'd have the rocks to keep the match even, but he
doesn't. I can only conclude that he's a coward who has no honor.
Guardian's Song: Oh, the disgrace to the honor of a eleven-year-old! Has he no shame?!
And to make matters worse, he even uses his pokemon to attack Jessie and James
themselves! It doesn't take a rocket scientist (no pun intended) to see just how
wrong that is. Using pokemon to attack humans is about the most despicable thing
a trainer can do!
Guardian's Song: Well, yes... fair point. That is a screwy thing about the canon.
Pokemon-humans seem to have the strange ability to resist almost all physical damage, however... Not that it makes it better, but at least it's not attempted murder the way it would be in real life. (For one, Ash's Charmeleon would have to be put down. Let's not get into that...)
The worst I've ever seen Jessie and James do is use Arbok or
Victreebel to scare off somebody who's hassling us or get Weezing to create a
diversion so that we can escape from a dangerous situation. They've never
commanded any of us to attack a human (at least not as viciously as the twerps
do),
Jerry: Um, Miss Falls? Why do you have to add that disclaimer?
and nor do I think they'd be capable of using us like that -- it's just not
in their nature. Ash, meanwhile, seems to get some kind of sick pleasure out of
it! He'll even attack us after we surrender, or when we've been utterly defeated
and have no way of defending ourselves! It's like winning (I use the term
loosely) isn't good enough for him -- he's not happy until we've been beaten
senseless, electrocuted, and sent blasting over the horizon!
Guardian's Song: It maintains the status quo. The producers can't ever let Team Rocket be in range to be arrested, but they can't let them stay around, either... so voila, BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!
Like I said before,
only a coward with no honor would maliciously attack somebody who doesn't want
to fight anymore or kick somebody when they're down...and he does it to us all
the time!
Guardian's Song: Meanwhile, you try to tie up Ash and steal all his Pokemon on a regular basis... or render Pokemon unable to fight and steal them en masse... or try to fool people into giving over their Pokemon...
Yeah, what moral high ground were you talking about again?
Yes, I've definitely got that kid's number -- he's not just a sucky
trainer, he's a pretty lame-assed excuse for a human being, too!
Tom: Yer ALL lame-assed excuses fer human beings! An' fer Pokemon!
Everything that went wrong today was ultimately his fault.
Tom: If y' were any more self-pityin', y'd be a politician!
Jerry: (Jessie and James) Vote for us in 2014! At least you know we're crooks!
Jessie may have
exacerbated the situation by taking the food, but she'd only done it for the
sake of the team -- no matter how much she postured about pulling one over on
those "bumpkins," I know she hadn't meant any real harm.
Guardian's Song: Good gad, it's like the I Can Change Him Mama, only it's aimed towards the self-insert.
Critical analysis about what this implies about the true nature of the I Can Change Him Mama ideal welcomed.
But there was nothing
harmless or well-meaning about the way Ash treated us today -- the venom in his
voice when he accused us of attacking the other Wobbuffets,
Guardian's Song: (Cori Falls) How DARE he sound venomous! Clearly, the CORRECT way to react to people who would harm Pokemon is cursing like sailors, beating them nearly unconscious, and laughing off their subsequent memory loss! Oh, wait, he would be doing that to Team Rocket. Er...
the shitty attitude
he and his friends gave us even after they found out that we were innocent,
Guardian's Song: (Team Rocket) That's right! What have we ever done to you, twerp?
(Ash) *hands them a boxed set of the entire Pokemon anime*
(Team Rocket) Er...
the
evil gleam in his eye when he got Pikachu to electrocute us and blast us off
again -- everything he did to us today was to make us suffer...
Tom: (Wobbuffet) That's right - even down to blinking in our direction funny! And he did that several times!
for no other
reason than because we're Team Rocket.
Jerry: ...You know, when you remember when Team Rocket is, that's a perfectly acceptable reason for a kid who has the giant trouble-magnet of a Pikachu.
And now, he and his friends were probably
all celebrating at that Wobbuffet Festival...the festival that WE'D saved! Those
little assholes didn't do a damn thing except cause trouble for us, and they're
getting all the glory! Meanwhile, we did our best to help everybody,
Guardian's Song: (Wobbuffet) - in keeping to their Weight Watchers goals! :D None of that rich festival food for THEM! They'll stay fit and healthy with our aid!
and all
they could do was crap on us!
God, I hate those twerps.
@->->-
I don't know how long I sat there stewing, but when my mental rant against the
brats ended, I saw that James and Meowth had fallen asleep.
Tom: *bursts out laughing* Y' literally ranted for so long that everyone else fell asleep!
Jessie, however, was
still sitting at my side. Her back was turned to me, and she was looking up at
the starry night sky...and I could tell from the way she was trembling that she
was crying.
Jerry: *facepalm* Of course. What else does Jessie do in this fic?
It broke my heart to see her so upset, so I scooted closer. Hey! What's the
matter, Jessie? I asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.
Jerry: (Jessie) I'm t-trapped in a C-Cori Falls fic!
"Grrr! Get lost!" she growled, slapping me away.
I don't think so, I replied. Now tell me what's wrong!
Tom: (Jessie) I chipped TWO nails!
Please?
Jessie looked at me with tear-filled eyes. "Y-you just want to talk, don't you?"
Tom: (Wobbuffet) No. I want to boogie. *levitates disco ball and begins dancing*
I nodded.
She closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry, Wobbuffet. This is all my fault...."
I frowned.
"You were a real hero today," she continued. "It was your time to shine, and I
totally ruined it for you...and now you're trying to make me feel better, and
I'm treating you like shit...." When she said this, her voice trailed off, and
she began to cry again.
Jerry: Treating people like shit and crying is all you EVER do in these fics!
Tom: Yeah, but this is s'posed t' be special 'cause... Ah, heck, I dunno either. Th' plot demanded it.
I put my arms around Jessie and let her rest her head on top of mine. It's okay,
I whispered.
"You're a good pokemon, Wobbuffet," she muttered. "You're sweet, you're cute,
you're funny,
Guardian's Song: Aww, yes he is. :D *pets a Wobbuffet*
and you're so brave and unselfish...but I'm such a bad trainer.
All I ever do is yell at you and insult you. I don't know why you even put up
with me...."
Jerry: In these fics, you're a bad person! Period!
I tell you, hearing Jessie say such terrible things about herself made me feel
even worse than I already did. I don't know how she could think she's a bad
trainer -- she and James are the only humans who've ever shown me love and
accepted me for who I am!
Tom: Yer a Wobbuffet, not gay! What is this, the PokeItGetsBetter project?!
I know she picks on me sometimes, but she never means
anything by it. That's just the way Jessie, James, and Meowth are -- they pick
on each other and tease each other every now and then because they love each
other...because they're a family.
Guardian's Song: Hooray for whitewashing all their conflict ever!
I actually like it when Jessie teases me -- I
know it's her way of saying that she loves me. It makes me feel like part of the
family.
Guardian's Song: Eh heh... eh heh... eh heh...
You know, if this is referring to Jessie's usual verbal abuse, I'm kinda unnerved at the way Cori Falls waves off maltreatment as just a sign of love...
I swear, I never knew true happiness until the day I became Jessie's pokemon.
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Unfortunately, TrueHapnes was an adorable Muk who I can only see after-hours through PokeCenter communication terminals. *single tear* It says it never gets to have a square meal... specifically, the square it tries to devour is a renowned Pokemon Professor...
Jerry: Jessie's Wobbuffet/Ash's Muk?!
Tom: Does it make any LESS sense than Arbok/Weezing?!
Ever since then, I've felt like I finally found a place where I belong. That's
why I come out of my poke ball so much -- I just enjoy spending time with
Jessie, James, and Meowth, and I don't want to miss any of the fun!
Guardian's Song: Wobbuffet the socially-awkward Rocketfen? -_- I... must give Cori Falls credit... for her... unique characterizations...
I love
Jessie and James's motto...and the fact that they let me join in on it
Jerry: LET you? You don't exactly ask permission!
sometimes, I love seeing how deeply they all care for each other, I love when
Jessie makes little Wobbuffet-sized costumes for me on special occasions (more
proof that she loves me -- she wouldn't bother with something like that if she
didn't care),
Jerry: They'd make costumes for an oversized rock if it fit into their motto!
and I even love hanging out with Meowth! That cat is such a good
friend, and I've learned so much from him. He taught me the fine art of sarcasm
and how to curse, you know.
Tom: Ah, so that's who we've got to blame... *pulls out switchblade*
(Sometimes I wish that stupid Ash had an actual
brain cell in that empty head of his so he could understand some of the things I
call him when he shows up!)
Guardian's Song: Ehem. Miss Falls? Did you notice that the wonderful, perfect Team Rocket relied on Meowth to translate for them in Pokemon 2000? It's not that Jessie and James have a magical understanding of Pokemon linguistics, it's that they have a talking cat to tell them what's going on!
But more important than the sarcasm and sailor-talk,
Meowth has taught me that I don't need human approval to be a worthwhile
pokemon.
Jerry: ...Except when said 'human approval' comes from Jessie and James, I notice.
Becoming a part of Team Rocket has enriched my life in so many ways and done
wonders for my self-esteem.
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Like, it's been so totally awesome, girlfriend.
It doesn't really matter that we can't ever seem to
beat those twerps --
Guardian's Song: Because Ash doesn't ever beat anyone when it counts, either! D|
it's the friendships we forge with each other and the
adventures we share along the way that are really important.
Guardian's Song: *curses under her breath about this being the actual attitude of the canon show these days* *misses when Ash had a chance in heck of moving on with his life*
I know that Jessie
and James are still trying to get used to the fact that I'm not a normal
pokemon, and that sometimes my enthusiasm tries their patience, but I also know
that they love me.
Jerry: Tom, it's not an It Gets Better episode. I think it might be a lesson about loving the disabled.
Tom: Aw, jeez. All'a th' Afterschool Specials sound th' same after a while, y' know that?
There's never been a doubt in my mind about that.
So how could Jessie possibly think she wasn't good enough for me?!
Jerry: O_o Um... this is Jessie/James, not Jessie/Wobbuffet, right?
Jessie returned my embrace and gently stroked the top of my head. "I'm so sorry,
Wobbuffet," she whispered. "I'm so sorry you had to end up with such a terrible
trainer...."
I placed my hand over her mouth and silenced her. You stop that right now! I
scolded her. Jessie, I don't blame you for what happened today!
Jerry: (Wobbuffet) Here in Cori-land, we blame the writers! :D
{snip wangst}
Oh, don't worry about it, Jess -- you weren't that bad, I told her. You've done
worse things before, and James never stays mad at you for long. He loves you so
much.
Jerry: (Wobbuffet) Johnny loves you, Lisa!
Jessie looked down at the ring on her left hand and smiled again. "I know James
loves me and never stays mad for long...I don't worry about that too much
anymore," she said.
Jerry: (Jessie) I know who's writing me.
"But it still makes me feel like a rat when I do something
to upset him. I'm trying to be better about stuff like that...."
And I'd say you're doing a damn good job, I told her, putting an arm around her
shoulders again. I'm always hearing James and Meowth say how much sweeter you
are now than you were a long time ago.
Jerry: (Wobbuffet) It's amazing what a dollop of OOCness will do for a person...
Tom: (Wobbuffet) They also say you had nowhere to go but up!
And no matter how bad you think you are,
you always come through for us in the end....
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Then again, so did the actors in Manos: The Hands of Fate.
As I said this, a light began to shine in Jessie's sapphire eyes. "Wobbuffet,
you just gave me an idea!"
I looked up at her. I did?
"I have to go back to that village and apologize to all those people I tried to
steal from," she explained.
Guardian's Song: ...Uh, Cori? Somehow, I suspect it takes more in both American and Japanese legal systems to make amends for attempted theft than "LOL, SORREH"!
"You guys were right -- trying to take their food
after they were so nice to us was wrong.
Guardian's Song: ...
...
...
Wow. Implying that it would be just peachy if they'd been mean. I... Wow.
Look. Doing bad things to someone is not completely justified if you happen to dislike them! It's just NOT! Even the most vicious, savage criminal subcultures have more rules than 'If you feel like hurting someone, hurt them! :D' And I don't CARE how far you are into the snark side of things! Random violence is not justified! I - for gad's sakes, Cori, I thought you at least justified the treatment of Ash Ketchum by coming up with all these grievances Team Rocket had against him, and justified Team Rocket's behavior with ~they need to eat, you unfeeling monsters~! But saying thievery was only wrong because the village was NICE to them -
Good gad, WHAT THE *BLEEP* IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I know it's not much, but I owe them an
explanation...and I need to make this up to you, too."
Guardian's Song: *covers face with one hand* At least I know that Cori Falls is more moral than the average Suethor. She just... completely mangles... sane morality as we know it...
I know what she's trying to get at. It's wrong to repay kindness with backstabbing. Fine and agreed. And Team Rocket is in desperate need of food, in Cori-land.
However, it would still be wrong to steal regardless of the situation, even if they had no other choice. Yes, sometimes you have to do bad things in order to survive. It would just be especially wrong to steal from people who had been kind towards you. Cori Falls makes it sound like - and probably believes that - the necessity clears all moral accounts, and the only thing that was wrong was hurting people who had been good to them.
It may be a technical difference, under the circumstances, but it's one that makes an enormous difference in the long term - the difference between "We have to get out of this situation because it forces us to steal to survive, and stealing is wrong" and "We probably should maybe get out of this situation because it forces us to steal to survive, and gosh darn it, that's really inconvenient, especially because of that demon Pikachu".
Is it that hard to admit your woobies could be in the wrong, Miss Falls?!!??!
This made me smile. I think that's a great idea, Jess!
Jessie's smile became a grin as she got to her feet. "Then come on! Let's go!"
she exclaimed.
Uh...just one question, I said. How the hell are we going to get back to the
village?!
Tom: (Jessie) Through PLOT POWER!!! *strikes a pose, a shooting star zooming through the background behind her*
In case you haven't noticed, we're stuck on a cliff!
Jessie tip-toed over to James's backpack and began to root through it. "Ah! Here
we are!" she whispered, bringing out one of his poke balls.
Tom: ...Say, isn't there that crazy chick who keeps misinterpretin' what Falls's typos mea-
Ariana: Baaaaaaa? :D
Tom: *jerks away* Gah! Speak'a th' devil, an' she appears!
What are you doing with James's pokemon? I asked.
Jessie smirked at me. "That was two questions...and we're going to use
Victreebel, here, to climb down, of course! Now keep quiet -- I don't want you
to wake James and Meowth up!"
You mean they're not coming with us?
She shook her head. "Wobbuffet, those people are really mad at us...and those
twerps and Officer Jenny might still be around. This could be dangerous, and I
don't want them to put themselves at risk. I'm the one who screwed up, so I have
to be the one who makes it right again."
I guess, I conceded. But I still think they'd want to help.
Ignoring me,
Jerry: So much for the power of eternal friendship and loyalty! Just as Miss Falls ignores it in every! Single! Fic!
Jessie tossed James's poke ball and released Victreebel.
JAMES!!!!! Victreebel screamed as he emerged from the ball and gave Jessie's
head a love-bite.
Jerry: D8
Tom: Th' fic is Jessie/James! Not James/Victreebel! Stop th' furry subtext!
Jerry: *recovers* May I add that making even the carnivorous assaults a sign of ~utter adoration~ is -
Tom: NO. Y' CAN'T.
"Ugh! Get off of me, you over-affectionate lunk!" Jessie cried, wriggling free
from his grasp. "I'm not James!"
Victreebel grinned sheepishly. Oops! Sorry about that, Jessie!
Tom: *screaming to the heavens* I don't need t' read about gay humansexual Victreebels! I don't need t' read about straight humansexual Victreebels! I! Just! DON'T!
"And be quiet, for godsake!" she hissed. "Don't wake him up!"
Victreebel gave her a quizzical look. Why? What's going on?
Vic, we need you to use your vines and help us down that cliff, I explained.
Jessie wants to go back to the village and apologize for all the trouble she
thinks she caused.
Victreebel frowned. But Jessie DIDN'T cause any trouble! he said. She and James
helped everybody, if I recall correctly!
Yeah, but the twerps were there, I told him. They....
Victreebel rolled his eyes. Oh. The twerps. Say no more.
Tom: (Victreebel) They no taste good!
"Uh, are you guys just going to sit around and talk all night, or are you going
to help me?" Jessie asked with more than a hint of impatience in her voice.
Of course I'll help, Jess! Victreebel replied. I don't know how the hell those
brats managed to screw us over this time, but if you're trying to set things
right, then count me in! With that, he wrapped his vines around me and Jessie
and braced himself so that we could climb down the cliff without falling.
Tom: (Victreebel) And you WILL bring me food, yes, you delicious bipdeal Twinkies?
(Jessie) Um, yep! Byeeeeee, Victreebel!
"Thanks, Victreebel," Jessie whispered as we began our descent. "I knew we could
count on you!"
Yeah! We owe ya one, Viccie! I said.
Victreebel winked at us and made a thumbs-up gesture with one of his leaves.
Tom: ...Th' Victreebel gives 'em a thumbs-up.
Jerry: Do you even have to ask at this point? I'm surprised it isn't doing a full burlesque act along with all the other Team Rocket Pokemon.
Guardian's Song: Don't jinx it!
@->->-
[to be (eventually) continued...]
"Don't y' have work fer Das Sporking an' Silver Sporks t' do? T' say nothin' of research?" her sandy-haired companion asks, looking askance at the screen from under his Rocket cap.
Procrastination knows no obligations! ...On second thought, you guys probably want to strangle me... :D;;
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
THE DIFFERENCE
by Cori Falls
@->->-
{Snip System of a Down lyrics. The song was "Aerials", if you want to look it up.}
@->->-
You know, whoever made up that "good guys always have to win and bad guys always
have to lose, regardless of the circumstances" rule really had their head stuck
where the sun don't shine.
Elbe: (Cori Falls) It clearly should be "good guys always have to win and bad guys always have to be brutally beaten to a pulp, regardless of how young, ignorant, or misguided they are"!
I swear, today could have been one of the best days
of our lives...but thanks to that damn rule
Jerry: They're literally blaming their ills on writing meta?!
Tom: Does Cori realize that, in-universe, they're blamin' their ills on th' universe literally bein' out t' get 'em? Didn't know paranoid schizophrenia was a trait'a romantic heroes.
(and those damn so-called good
guys),
Tom: So-called? By who?
it ended up sucking!
"We lost food, friends, and a festival," James sighed as he watched the fading
fireworks of the Wobbuffet Festival in the distance...a festival where WE
should've been honored guests.
Jerry: (Narrator) The aliens from Mars dictated that we should be honored with unlimited wealth, status, and Fruit Loops, but the aliens from Alpha Centauri told us that no, we could NOT have one more turn!!! And the aliens were, if you can believe this, ASH KETCHU!M!1!! He's been out to get us since the great planetary reunification of twenty thousand years ago! But we used our honored powers of swords from another dimension to stop him and the NRA from getting us, but then we...
Tom:
Jerry: I was trying to imitate the speech patterns of a paranoid schizophrenic. ...It just so happens to bear a disturbing resemblance to Scientology.
"We should've quit while we were ahead...."
"Ugh! Don't remind me!" Meowth groaned.
Jessie said something after that...something that sounded a lot like praise, but
I wasn't listening to her. All I could think about was our latest defeat and how
it never should've happened....
@->->-
It all started that morning, when Jessie, James, Meowth, and I arrived in a
small village populated entirely by Wobbuffet trainers. Normally, people would
take just one look at Jessie and James's Team Rocket uniforms and waste no time
in running us out of town, trying to have us arrested, or beating the living
daylights out of us.
Jerry: Then wear something else, you idiots!
Tom: Fer a fan, she sure likes t' make 'em stupider an' stupider...
But today could hardly be considred normal. When one of the
villagers -- a nice lady named Lulu -- saw me with Jessie, she assumed that we
were in town for their annual Wobbuffet Festival, and she invited us to her
house.
Jerry: ...This is being narrated by Wobbuffet?
She makes any Pokemon sound the same as all the other - er, sound articulate, doesn't she?
Tom: Nah. Bet she'd make any'a Ash's Pokemon sound as dumb as a ton'a bricks.
And Lulu was, indeed, a gracious host -- she gave us a big plate of hamburgers
and sandwiches and told us all about the festival. She then told Jessie and
James that I was a special pokemon, and she even tied a big, yellow ribbon
around my head so that everybody else could see how special I was, too!
It was a rare occasion when my friends and I were treated with such kindness by
a total stranger.
Jerry: (Jessie and James) It might have something to do with our habit of stealing the shirts off their backs...
Unfortunately, it wasn't to last.
After lunch, the four of us went on a tour of the village and met some of the
other Wobbuffet trainers. Jessie briefly considered stealing the festival food
Jerry: *facepalm* What did I just say?
and making a hasty exit when we came across the store-house (who knows where our
next meal would come from once the festival was over, after all?),
Guardian's Song: To be fair, I get the feeling from Piled Higher and Deeper that this is a common practice amongst graduate students so long as the food is already placed on buffet tables for public consumption.
I'd be somewhat more sympathetic to Jessie and James here if they preferred to dine off non-perishable, hardy food that would survive their lifestyles, but as is... why do you need ingredients for elaborate feasts, again?
but James and
Meowth didn't feel right about doing something like that to the people who'd
been so nice to us.
Jerry: This episode is from canon, apparently, which is why there's a distinct lack of self-justifying wangst.
Before we could debate the finer moral points of the issue, however, the twerps
showed up and accused us of attacking the villagers' Wobbuffets! (I honestly
don't know where that accusation came from!
Jerry: Are you out of your mind?!
Granted, we may be thieves, but
Tom: Aaaaaan' why doesn't th' sentence end there? Y'know, thieves are generally regarded as people who might steal yer stuff. Especially when y' can't even be bothered t' change yer clothes out'a thief gear...
Jerry: ...And what's your excuse?
Tom: Well, when I'm not in a disguise, I... um...
[Flashback]
Tom: *in Team Rocket uniform in public* Whaddya looking at? I'm a hipster! Regular attire is so mainstream!
Another Person: Team Rocket uniforms aren't in fashion amongst hipsters.
Tom: Ha! I'm likin' them before they're cool! *poses*
[End Flashback]
Jerry: *unsuccessfully tries to repress a snort*
Tom: *turns red* It was - it was just an alibi! Y' say whatever y' have to with those!
Jerry: So, what's the address of your Tumblr?
Tom: *turns redder* Shaddup!
hurting pokemon just isn't our way!
Elbe: I wonder if the same argument would work for human trafficking? "Yes, we're professional kidnappers! But hurting little girls and boys isn't our way - we just turn them over to our bosses! It's not our responsibility what they do with them! We're just following orders!"
Guardian's Song: My apologies for bringing Serious Business into Pokemon, but it's Miss Falls who hauls in the Darker and Edgier whenever it benefits her woobies.
(On a tangent relevant to things I was talking about in other comms today - I do not like INCONSISTENT application of Darker and Edgier. Writing Darker and Edgier is one thing, writing Lighter and Softer is another, but bouncing between the two as it suits you is a cheap stunt to manipulate the readers' views and emotions. And I can roll my eyes at failed attempts at manipulation, but [as is often the case in the inconsistently-dark!fics] being manipulated and being expected to praise the author for ~enlightening~ me to the ~truth~ of affairs is something I DO NOT LIKE. AT ALL. Would anyone argue that this is exactly what Miss Falls is attempting?)
I guess those kids are just so goddamned
stupid that their microscopic minds can't grasp the concept that we're not
really evil!
Tom: Stop cryin' about it, y' wimps! Yer a disgrace t' all Team Rocket!
Jerry: *sigh* Does Cori Falls really not grasp that people might regard thieves as evil?
To phrase it in a real-world way, this is like objecting to ethnic profiling not because it implies all minorities of a certain type are criminals, but because it's discriminatory towards criminals. This isn't even arguing that they have to steal to survive! It's just objecting to people objecting to not enjoying being mugged!
All they see is the Team Rocket uniforms that Jessie and James
wear.
Tom: Do they hafta see anythin' else?
That's pretty sad, if you ask me!) Jessie, James, and Meowth tried to
explain that they hadn't hurt anybody or anything, and Lulu even came to our
defense and told Ash that we're nice people, but he still refused to believe us.
Tom: They don't believe th' testimony'a a nice, naive lady about known charmin', deceivin' con-artists an' career criminals? Th' nerve!
And when the real culprits showed up to crash the festival,
Guardian's Song: Oh.
Okay. Now this makes much more sense.
However, I do think it's perfectly reasonable to assume that the local career criminals are responsible for any nearby crimes. I could probably use Team Rocket's rap sheet as a wallpaper, depending on how many charges I packed into each episode. (Breaking and entering... fraud... assault and battery...) Honestly, how many of these do you think they've racked up by now? And I'm sure there are Pokemon-world-specific laws having to do with thievery of Pokemon - especially en masse, as Team Rocket prefers. I like the characters, but if we play it as realistically as Cori Falls wants us to, they ought to be locked up for a few hundred years, with reduction to a hundred for good behavior!
And she WONDERS why Ash might assume they're to blame? When he's been present for the vast majority of those few hundred counts of fraud, burglary, and assault and battery!?
those brats didn't
even have the decency to apologize for wrongfully accusing us -- they just got
nasty with us again!
Guardian's Song: I lack context. However, I'll grant Cori this point - with the caveat that Team Rocket's honestly lucky that Ash and friends don't knock them out, haul them to the nearest police station, and announce that they've brought in Public Enemies #9 and #10. (I'm trying to leave room for the Rocket Admins and Butch and Cassidy. Given that Butch and Cassidy tend to be subtler than Jessie and James, I'll assume that the two of them are, in fact, committing just as many crimes as their rivals, but are much more successful at not getting caught.)
REALISTICALLY, Miss Falls, Jessie and James are having their misadventures documented across several countries and continents, have disturbed the peace in most major cities in each of said countries, and have publicly harassed Ash HUNDREDS of times. If they were in their right minds, they should be thanking the local deities of thieves that the worst they get from Ash is a thorough chewing-out. He's well within his rights to do his damnedest to get them locked up for life.
(I swear, those twerps are the shittiest excuse for heroes
that I've ever seen!)
Well, we were all pretty outraged by the way we'd just been treated, and now
more than ever, Jessie wanted to just take the food and leave. We couldn't enjoy
the festival now that those brats were here -- even when we're just minding our
own business, they always assume we're up to no good and hassle us...
Tom: *drawling* Geeeeee. Ain't that th' straaaaangest thing y' evvvvver hearrrrrrd?
as this
latest encounter had just proven. And even if we tried to help them stop whoever
was causing all of this trouble, we knew they'd only repay us by finding some
way to turn the villagers against us
Jerry: (Ash) *hands them Jessie and James's rap sheet* Look, guys, just draw your own conclusions.
(Cori!Jessie and Cori!James) *bawling* IT'S JUST OUT OF CONTEXT!!!
(Villagers) Several hundred charges of fraud are out of context?!
and screw us over again. We can never do
anything right when those damn kids are around.
Guardian's Song: Fair point. And I do like Team Rocket when they do good. (And when they do bad... yes, I'll admit they're more interesting that the protagonists.)
But, as I think I've sufficiently emphasized, Team Rocket has given Ash every reason to believe that they're unrepentant, unreformed crooks. Their good actions in Pokemon 2000, amongst other times, are not enough unless they stop committing crimes!
While we were getting ready to leave, however, we saw what all of the commotion
was about. Apparently, the three punks who were beating up the Wobbuffets had
once used their pokemon to vandalize the town. Lulu and her Wobbuffet had
defeated them and run them off before...but now they were back for revenge, and
they wouldn't be satisfied until they'd thrashed every Wobbuffet in the village!
And to make matters worse, there was some rule that prohibited pokemon battles
during the Wobbuffet Festival, so there was nothing the villagers could do to
defend themselves...
Guardian's Song: *bursts out laughing* THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER!
No, seriously. That was CANON? Oh sweet gad, that is so stupid! Especially since these vandals are already pulling out Pokemon!
and nothing the brats could do since Officer Jenny wouldn't
let them fight either.
Guardian's Song: And she can't use her Pokemon to arrest the vandals?
This is beyond stupid! And this was a canon episode?! Good gad, what were the writers SMOKING?
As we watched those hooligans destroying the giant Wobbuffet statue in the town
square, we knew that we couldn't sit idly by and allow them to get away with it!
Rules or no rules, they were going to completely trash the village if somebody
didn't do something to stop them! And since my Wobbuffet honor was at stake (and
we think rules are stupid anyway), that somebody was going to be us!
Wasting no time, we got into our balloon, and Jessie dropped a flash-bomb on the
vandals. Then, she and James challenged them to a battle. Officer Jenny tried to
stop us, but she backed off when she realized that this was one time when the
law had to be broken.
Guardian's Song: Okay, I can understand why Cori Falls got so ticked off about this episode. To be fair, I'd be teed off if my favorite characters on a show were the only ones not wearing dunce caps for the episode and they still got mistreated. I do get teed off under similar circumstances.
But that still doesn't allow her to forget all logic!
Tom: *smirks* Yer usin' Earth Logic on this author?
Guardian's Song: Watch it. I'm the spork captain. Want to go spork Little Miss Mary?
Tom: *promptly shuts up*
Jessie and James fought valiantly, but Arbok and Victreebel were no match for a
Hitmonlee, a Machoke, and a Primeape.
Guardian's Song: *puzzled* Huh? I know, plot convenience, but... Poison resists Fighting. How did two Poison-types get beaten up so easily? And doesn't James also have Weezing available to send out?
That's not a snark on Cori Falls, obviously, but sometimes Pokemon Logic confuses me...
When my two companions were defeated, the
punks began to gloat, but this battle wasn't over yet.
This battle wouldn't be over until they'd faced me.
The three of them laughed and jeered when Jessie sent me forth, saying that I
was just one more Wobbuffet for them to beat, but I didn't let it get to me. I
wasn't just fighting this battle for my friends -- I was fighting it for a
village of people who'd actually treated us with hospitality...and I was
fighting it for Wobbuffets everywhere.
Jerry: ...WHAT?
Tom: *bursts out laughing* She can make anythin' overdramatic! Even a Wobbuffet!
THIS IS THE SKIN OF A FIGHTER!!!
I was sick and tired of everybody always
thinking that I'm a loser pokemon just because I can't initiate attacks, and I'd
be damned if I let them win!
When the battle began, I waited patiently for the enemies to attack...and when
they did, Jessie commanded me to fight back with my Counter. Sure enough, my
patience paid off -- every attack that Hitmonlee, Machoke, and Primeape
unleashed on me, no matter how powerful, got sent back on them when I countered.
Before long, all three of the fighting-types had been defeated, and their
trainers ran off in disgrace.
Jerry: (Vandal) Momma always wanted me to go to Smogon, but I dropped out to smoke and do drugs! *bawling*
(Jessie) You HAD to have been doing drugs! You went up against a Wobbuffet with purely physical Pokemon?!
That should've been the moment when things turned around for us. We'd protected
the villagers and saved the Wobbuffet Festival! Surely now those brats could see
that Jessie and James were good people
Guardian's Song: One good deed does not a good person make.
and give them a freakin' break, but alas,
it wasn't to be. Instead of allowing us to celebrate, Officer Jenny just scolded
us for breaking the festival rule...
Guardian's Song: Yes, I'll admit Officer Jenny is acting totally brain-dead.
*sigh* *through gritted teeth* All right, Miss Falls, this an episode where you had a point...
and the twerps STILL wouldn't admit that
they were wrong about us! (Yeah, there's a fine how-do-you-do! Sheesh!)
Not wanting to stick around and get in trouble, Jessie and James agreed that
they were bad for breaking the rules and volunteered to leave town. As we got
back into the balloon and took to the sky again, however, we made a big mistake.
We got greedy.
Guardian's Song: I'm not entirely sure whether this is canon or fanon, but I suspect the latter... You'll see why in a moment.
"Hey! Since Officer Jenny and those brats were going to hassle us anyway, why
don't we just go ahead and take the food?" Jessie suggested.
James frowned and shook his head. "I still don't think it's a good idea, Jess."
"Why not?!" she demanded. "We saved the day, and we weren't even going to get so
much as a thank you! I say we've MORE than earned that food!"
"I know," he sighed. "But these people actually treated us with kindness and
gave us a chance, Jessie. It just wouldn't be right to turn on them like that."
"We're not turning on them," she replied. "We're just claiming a few free meals
as our reward for helping them."
Heh. Can you say "rationalization," boys and girls? I remarked.
Guardian's Song: And Wobbuffet wins the argument! Everyone else can go home.
(This is why I think it's fanon - it requires Wobbuffet giving intelligent commentary, which... is not his canon characterization.)
"Good one, Wobbuffet!" Meowth snickered.
Jessie scowled at me. "Oh, don't tell me YOU'RE on their side, too!"
Well, James and Meowth are right -- stealing from people who were nice to us is
a scummy thing to do, and we're better than that! I retorted.
"Wobbuffet sez it'd just be scummy of us ta take dere food," Meowth translated.
"He don't want no part a dis either."
A pained expression crossed Jessie's face when she heard this. "Et tu,
Wobbuffet?" she sighed. "What's wrong with you?! Don't you want some kind of
reward for doing the right thing?!"
"Of course he does, Jessie," James replied for me. "We all do. But it's the
principle of the thing. If these people had treated us like shit, then I
wouldn't have any qualms about taking all of their food...but they didn't...."
Guardian's Song: *FACEPALM*
"I know they were nice to us, James," said Jessie. "But where are our principles
going to get us five or six days down the road, when we're starving to death
again? I wish it didn't have to be like this, but we have to look at the big
picture!"
Guardian's Song: (Jessie) Which is exactly why we're going to take perishable food that will go rotten in a few days. Don't we all love French toast?
"I guess yer right," Meowth sighed. "Principles ain't gonna feed us."
"Okay, you win, Jess. We'll take the food," James said reluctantly.
Alright, I conceded. But I still have a bad feeling about this....
Jessie smiled. "Good! I'm glad to see that you've all come to your senses! Now
let's grab that food!"
When our balloon drifted over the store-house, Jessie pulled a lever, and a
large claw extended from the base of the basket and broke through the roof.
After a moment, it emerged with a large sack of food.
Before we could relish our victory, however, the villagers saw what we'd done,
and Officer Jenny and the twerps gave chase. Misty sent her Staryu to bust a
hole in our balloon,
Tom: Y' really oughta get a tougher balloon, morons.
Guardian's Song: It's canon, though.
Tom: Y' think I'm gonna go easy on it just because it's an episode where the canon's even stupider than Falls's additions?
and she and the others were waiting for us when we crashed
down in the woods outside of town.
Not wanting our day of victories to be ruined, Jessie brought out Arbok again
and prepared to defend our food.
Guardian's Song: Well, hooray. Ash is defending the TOWN'S food.
Unfortunately, now that we weren't in town
anymore, nothing was stopping Officer Jenny or the brats from fighting...and Ash
promptly sent his Pikachu after us. The little electric rat used his Thunderbolt
and fried us before I could fight back with my Counter.
Jerry: What?!
...Miss Falls, Thunderbolt is a SPECIAL-Type move! SPECIAL! Counter would be USELESS! The move you want is MIRROR COAT!
Tom: I take it Miss Falls ain't a student at Smogon University either...
And just like always, Team Rocket went blasting off again....
@->->-
And now, as we all sat together on a remote cliff, reflecting on our day and
bemoaning all we'd lost, I found myself growing angrier and angrier with every
passing second.
I was really annoyed with Jessie. It had been her idea to steal the food, and if
she'd just left well enough alone, we might not be in this predicament now.
Guardian's Song: *shocked* Earth Logic?! In THIS fic?
But
as angry as I was with her, Jess wasn't really the problem. She'd only wanted to
take the food because we were hungry, and she knew that we had to keep ourselves
fed. Granted, it hadn't been a very nice thing to do, and it had only ended up
causing more trouble than necessary for us...but she could hardly be blamed for
wanting to keep us from starving.
Guardian's Song: Yes, she could only be blamed for mass thievery!
Seriously. Does the Pokemon world have no soup kitchens? Is the Team Rocket salary that low? If so, why don't they get a better-paying job - like a minimum-wage one? Or stop hunting someone who constantly wrecks their only property and never lets them get away with stolen goods? I know all of that is canon, but if Team Rocket consists of two people and several Pokemon constantly on the edge of starvation, as Cori Falls would have us believe, why don't they cut their losses and run until they can get THE BASICS OF SURVIVAL?
This is what I mean by "inconsistent application of Darker and Edgier"! It takes her until the Break From Reality - er, From Canon - before she gets Team Rocket out of this situation, and even there, she blames ASH for having kept them that way for so long! Er, lady? Ash didn't make them steal things!
No, the more I thought about it, the more I
realized that this was all the twerps' fault!
Guardian's Song: ...I finished that rant at an ironic time, didn't I? :\
If they hadn't shown up, there'd have been no reason for us to leave town...or
try to steal the food!
Jerry: What?! You were planning to steal the food WELL before they got there!
Tom: Shh. Stop yer Earth Logic.
I'm sure that stupid Officer Jenny still would've given
us a hard time for breaking the festival rule, but I'd overheard several
villagers praising us for what we'd done. They probably could have persuaded her
to go easy on us, considering that we'd only broken the damn rule to save their
festival! But no. Just like always, those goddamned twerps had to ruin
everything for us!
Tom: ...Y' know. As a Team Rocket member who's th' son'a two Team Rocket members -
I gotta say, y' sound like total sociopaths. Nothin's ever yer fault, it's everyone else's fault. Including th' universe's. Seriously, y' have no idea'a responsibility or th' consequences'a yer actions.
Ever since the day I met them, I've hated those kids. I remember, when my old
trainer, Benny, took me to the swap-meet in Pompona, he ran into them, and they
quickly became his friends. That alone was enough to make me despise them. You
see, Benny may have seemed like a nice kid on the surface, but in reality, he
was one of the worst trainers imaginable! He was always cutting me down, telling
me how stupid and worthless I am, just because I can't initiate attacks, and he
always told me I was ugly, too.
Guardian's Song: Is Cori Falls aware that Wobbuffet was in Overused in GSC only because of status attacks, which anime battles don't tend to use? Was Benny a complete numskull?
Tom: He appeared in this fic.
Guardian's Song: That's not a - Actually, that is an answer. Never mind.
But then when it came time for that big
swap-meet, he couldn't stop gushing about how great I was! (Yeah, if I was such
a great pokemon, then how come he couldn't wait to get rid of me? If he just
wanted to raise a new pokemon, like he said, then how come he couldn't just go
out and catch a new one? No leaps in logic there, folks!)
Guardian's Song: On one hand, it sounds like Cori Falls is just applying basic logic to the situation, and I have no complaint over kicking a stupid canon situation in the shins. But on the other, I KNOW that she'd completely overlook all that if Benny buddied up to Team Rocket and bashed Ash. -_-;;
I guess I hated Benny
because he was such a phony, and everybody bought into his act...especially
those twerps. Lickitung even told me that after we blasted off, he put on this
whole Oh, I hope that lady takes good care of my Wobbuffet! I'm gonna miss him
so much! production, and that it made her sick. Truth be told, I'm glad Benny
wanted to trade me -- I couldn't wait to get away from that little wank...
Guardian's Song: O_O It's spelled wank-ER, Miss Falls! WANKER!
and
I'm glad that Licki escaped from him and came back to Jessie, too! No pokemon
deserves a trainer that doesn't love them and has no qualms about trading them
away on a whim.
Guardian's Song: *plays a tragic song on a violin*
But as good as it felt to finally be free from Benny, it still
hurt to know that I wasn't good enough for him...that he got rid of me because
he thought I was ugly and useless.
Tom: When did Wobbuffet turn inta a SELF-IMAGE PSA?!
Jerry: I'm just waiting for him to start talking about his experiences with anorexia.
But I'm digressing, aren't I? Back to the twerps. I hated them from the get-go
because they thought Benny was so great, and they couldn't see him for what he
really was. And they became just as phony as he was so that they could help him
trade me. They didn't even know me, but they put on these big, cheesy grins in
front of everybody and couldn't stop talking me up -- the whole business made my
stomach turn!
Guardian's Song: It's called being nice. And if Team Rocket had done the same, you'd be saying just that, Miss Falls. *rolls eyes*
I know for a fact that Misty was lying through her teeth -- when she first saw
me, she basically told me to my face that nobody in their right mind would ever
want to trade for a pokemon like me...and then when she found out that the
others had overheard, she put on one of those cheesy grins, too and told them
she'd really meant to say that I was a great pokemon.
Guardian's Song: Welcome to comedy relief.
(Doesn't she know that we
pokemon can understand human speech?! How stupid did she think I was,
Tom: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BUFFET! WOB! *pulls a face and salutes*
Jerry: *quickly takes a photo with a silenced-shutter phone while his eyes are shut* Quality blackmail material...
that I
wouldn't even know she'd insulted me...
Tom: WOB WOB?
Jerry: *wishes she'd started recording sound*
or that a remark like that wouldn't hurt
my feelings?!)
Tom: Waaaaaaaa-buffet?
Jerry: *really wishes she'd started recording sound*
Jessie, James, and Meowth are trying to be friends with Misty now, but I feel no
such compunction.
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Because... that's just something Cori Falls made up, and I'm going by canon?
I know what that little bitch really thinks of me -- she's no
friend of mine! And quite frankly, I don't even think she's being a good friend
to Jessie, James, and Meowth! She told them not to take it to heart when she's
mean to them from now on and that she's only doing it to keep up appearances,
but if you ask me, she's trying a little TOO hard to keep up appearances. If
anything, she's been nastier to them than ever!
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Yeah, the author picked a bad time to do the secret-friendship plot.
If she were really their friend,
she'd make some kind of effort to be more civil to them in public, or at least
tell Ash to lay off every once in awhile!
Jerry: Yes, yes, she would. So, Miss Falls, do you think you should...
If I were Jessie and James, I'd tell
the brat that her lame attempt at friendship just isn't working out and to take
a hike!
Jerry: *FACEPALM*
And as bad as Misty is, Ash is about a million times worse! I knew he was a
phony when I met him at that swap meet, and he pretended to like me in order to
help Benny. But when I got traded to Team Rocket later that day, he showed his
true colors -- I learned that he hates me...for no other reason than because I'm
Jessie's pokemon.
Jerry: ...Yes, because you're being ordered around by a trainer with a known criminal history.
Come to think of it, Lickitung said the same thing happened to
her -- she told me that the twerps always treated her like shit when she was
Jessie's pokemon, but then when Benny had her at the swap-meet, they didn't have
a problem with her anymore.
Jerry: You know, the Bulbapedia article is uncertain as to whether they caught on that it was the same Lickitung...
Something tells me those little pricks are gonna
start hating her again if Jess ever puts her back in the active party. I've
heard horror stories from the other pokemon, too -- Meowth and Weezing told me
about times when Ash insulted a wild Meowth and another trainer's Weezing, just
because he associates them with Team Rocket!
Guardian's Song: A kid doesn't like Pokemon frequently used by his crazed stalkers. How horrible of him.
But the worst, I think, is what
Arbok told me. She said that a little over a year ago, she was badly injured in
a car crash, and when Jessie took her to the hospital, Ash tried to keep the
doctor from helping her! Arbok could have died, but that kid didn't even care --
he didn't think she deserved treatment, just because she's Jessie's pokemon!
Guardian's Song: I've heard this actually happened, in which case... All points go to Miss Falls from this round. *facekeyboard* yhju7f rgvthyjunbgtfvcde
It's like Ash automatically hates any pokemon associated with Team Rocket...like
we're all evil or inferior, just because we love Jessie and James. (Real nice
attitude for somebody who claims to love all pokemon and wants to be a pokemon
master! Sheesh!)
Tom: Just shaddup an' go t' therapy, y' emo Wobbuffet! No one damn CARES about yer Jailhouse Blues!
Well, if there's one thing I know about that kid, it's that he's never going to
be a true pokemon master. Not unless dumb luck is on his side, anyway -- he's
sure as hell not gonna get there with his skills!
Guardian's Song: *glumly* Miss Falls, you got your wish. He's still not a Pokemon Master...
I swear, that kid is so stupid
it makes my head hurt! And as if that weren't bad enough, he's a mean little
bugger, too! I haven't known him for very long, but I do know that he's never
won a match against us fair and square --
Tom: Yer in Team Rocket, and yer tryin' t' win matches fair an' square? What's wrong with y'?!
he always outnumbers us by using
several of his pokemon at once, or he gets his friends to gang up on us! That
doesn't exactly strike me as the most ethical way to fight a pokemon battle --
Guardian's Song: I wasn't aware there were rules of conduct to self-defense. Do you also have to bow beforehand, engage in pre-match warmup, and put on special clothes?
if he were a REAL trainer, he'd have the rocks to keep the match even, but he
doesn't. I can only conclude that he's a coward who has no honor.
Guardian's Song: Oh, the disgrace to the honor of a eleven-year-old! Has he no shame?!
And to make matters worse, he even uses his pokemon to attack Jessie and James
themselves! It doesn't take a rocket scientist (no pun intended) to see just how
wrong that is. Using pokemon to attack humans is about the most despicable thing
a trainer can do!
Guardian's Song: Well, yes... fair point. That is a screwy thing about the canon.
Pokemon-humans seem to have the strange ability to resist almost all physical damage, however... Not that it makes it better, but at least it's not attempted murder the way it would be in real life. (For one, Ash's Charmeleon would have to be put down. Let's not get into that...)
The worst I've ever seen Jessie and James do is use Arbok or
Victreebel to scare off somebody who's hassling us or get Weezing to create a
diversion so that we can escape from a dangerous situation. They've never
commanded any of us to attack a human (at least not as viciously as the twerps
do),
Jerry: Um, Miss Falls? Why do you have to add that disclaimer?
and nor do I think they'd be capable of using us like that -- it's just not
in their nature. Ash, meanwhile, seems to get some kind of sick pleasure out of
it! He'll even attack us after we surrender, or when we've been utterly defeated
and have no way of defending ourselves! It's like winning (I use the term
loosely) isn't good enough for him -- he's not happy until we've been beaten
senseless, electrocuted, and sent blasting over the horizon!
Guardian's Song: It maintains the status quo. The producers can't ever let Team Rocket be in range to be arrested, but they can't let them stay around, either... so voila, BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!
Like I said before,
only a coward with no honor would maliciously attack somebody who doesn't want
to fight anymore or kick somebody when they're down...and he does it to us all
the time!
Guardian's Song: Meanwhile, you try to tie up Ash and steal all his Pokemon on a regular basis... or render Pokemon unable to fight and steal them en masse... or try to fool people into giving over their Pokemon...
Yeah, what moral high ground were you talking about again?
Yes, I've definitely got that kid's number -- he's not just a sucky
trainer, he's a pretty lame-assed excuse for a human being, too!
Tom: Yer ALL lame-assed excuses fer human beings! An' fer Pokemon!
Everything that went wrong today was ultimately his fault.
Tom: If y' were any more self-pityin', y'd be a politician!
Jerry: (Jessie and James) Vote for us in 2014! At least you know we're crooks!
Jessie may have
exacerbated the situation by taking the food, but she'd only done it for the
sake of the team -- no matter how much she postured about pulling one over on
those "bumpkins," I know she hadn't meant any real harm.
Guardian's Song: Good gad, it's like the I Can Change Him Mama, only it's aimed towards the self-insert.
Critical analysis about what this implies about the true nature of the I Can Change Him Mama ideal welcomed.
But there was nothing
harmless or well-meaning about the way Ash treated us today -- the venom in his
voice when he accused us of attacking the other Wobbuffets,
Guardian's Song: (Cori Falls) How DARE he sound venomous! Clearly, the CORRECT way to react to people who would harm Pokemon is cursing like sailors, beating them nearly unconscious, and laughing off their subsequent memory loss! Oh, wait, he would be doing that to Team Rocket. Er...
the shitty attitude
he and his friends gave us even after they found out that we were innocent,
Guardian's Song: (Team Rocket) That's right! What have we ever done to you, twerp?
(Ash) *hands them a boxed set of the entire Pokemon anime*
(Team Rocket) Er...
the
evil gleam in his eye when he got Pikachu to electrocute us and blast us off
again -- everything he did to us today was to make us suffer...
Tom: (Wobbuffet) That's right - even down to blinking in our direction funny! And he did that several times!
for no other
reason than because we're Team Rocket.
Jerry: ...You know, when you remember when Team Rocket is, that's a perfectly acceptable reason for a kid who has the giant trouble-magnet of a Pikachu.
And now, he and his friends were probably
all celebrating at that Wobbuffet Festival...the festival that WE'D saved! Those
little assholes didn't do a damn thing except cause trouble for us, and they're
getting all the glory! Meanwhile, we did our best to help everybody,
Guardian's Song: (Wobbuffet) - in keeping to their Weight Watchers goals! :D None of that rich festival food for THEM! They'll stay fit and healthy with our aid!
and all
they could do was crap on us!
God, I hate those twerps.
@->->-
I don't know how long I sat there stewing, but when my mental rant against the
brats ended, I saw that James and Meowth had fallen asleep.
Tom: *bursts out laughing* Y' literally ranted for so long that everyone else fell asleep!
Jessie, however, was
still sitting at my side. Her back was turned to me, and she was looking up at
the starry night sky...and I could tell from the way she was trembling that she
was crying.
Jerry: *facepalm* Of course. What else does Jessie do in this fic?
It broke my heart to see her so upset, so I scooted closer. Hey! What's the
matter, Jessie? I asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.
Jerry: (Jessie) I'm t-trapped in a C-Cori Falls fic!
"Grrr! Get lost!" she growled, slapping me away.
I don't think so, I replied. Now tell me what's wrong!
Tom: (Jessie) I chipped TWO nails!
Please?
Jessie looked at me with tear-filled eyes. "Y-you just want to talk, don't you?"
Tom: (Wobbuffet) No. I want to boogie. *levitates disco ball and begins dancing*
I nodded.
She closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry, Wobbuffet. This is all my fault...."
I frowned.
"You were a real hero today," she continued. "It was your time to shine, and I
totally ruined it for you...and now you're trying to make me feel better, and
I'm treating you like shit...." When she said this, her voice trailed off, and
she began to cry again.
Jerry: Treating people like shit and crying is all you EVER do in these fics!
Tom: Yeah, but this is s'posed t' be special 'cause... Ah, heck, I dunno either. Th' plot demanded it.
I put my arms around Jessie and let her rest her head on top of mine. It's okay,
I whispered.
"You're a good pokemon, Wobbuffet," she muttered. "You're sweet, you're cute,
you're funny,
Guardian's Song: Aww, yes he is. :D *pets a Wobbuffet*
and you're so brave and unselfish...but I'm such a bad trainer.
All I ever do is yell at you and insult you. I don't know why you even put up
with me...."
Jerry: In these fics, you're a bad person! Period!
I tell you, hearing Jessie say such terrible things about herself made me feel
even worse than I already did. I don't know how she could think she's a bad
trainer -- she and James are the only humans who've ever shown me love and
accepted me for who I am!
Tom: Yer a Wobbuffet, not gay! What is this, the PokeItGetsBetter project?!
I know she picks on me sometimes, but she never means
anything by it. That's just the way Jessie, James, and Meowth are -- they pick
on each other and tease each other every now and then because they love each
other...because they're a family.
Guardian's Song: Hooray for whitewashing all their conflict ever!
I actually like it when Jessie teases me -- I
know it's her way of saying that she loves me. It makes me feel like part of the
family.
Guardian's Song: Eh heh... eh heh... eh heh...
You know, if this is referring to Jessie's usual verbal abuse, I'm kinda unnerved at the way Cori Falls waves off maltreatment as just a sign of love...
I swear, I never knew true happiness until the day I became Jessie's pokemon.
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Unfortunately, TrueHapnes was an adorable Muk who I can only see after-hours through PokeCenter communication terminals. *single tear* It says it never gets to have a square meal... specifically, the square it tries to devour is a renowned Pokemon Professor...
Jerry: Jessie's Wobbuffet/Ash's Muk?!
Tom: Does it make any LESS sense than Arbok/Weezing?!
Ever since then, I've felt like I finally found a place where I belong. That's
why I come out of my poke ball so much -- I just enjoy spending time with
Jessie, James, and Meowth, and I don't want to miss any of the fun!
Guardian's Song: Wobbuffet the socially-awkward Rocketfen? -_- I... must give Cori Falls credit... for her... unique characterizations...
I love
Jessie and James's motto...and the fact that they let me join in on it
Jerry: LET you? You don't exactly ask permission!
sometimes, I love seeing how deeply they all care for each other, I love when
Jessie makes little Wobbuffet-sized costumes for me on special occasions (more
proof that she loves me -- she wouldn't bother with something like that if she
didn't care),
Jerry: They'd make costumes for an oversized rock if it fit into their motto!
and I even love hanging out with Meowth! That cat is such a good
friend, and I've learned so much from him. He taught me the fine art of sarcasm
and how to curse, you know.
Tom: Ah, so that's who we've got to blame... *pulls out switchblade*
(Sometimes I wish that stupid Ash had an actual
brain cell in that empty head of his so he could understand some of the things I
call him when he shows up!)
Guardian's Song: Ehem. Miss Falls? Did you notice that the wonderful, perfect Team Rocket relied on Meowth to translate for them in Pokemon 2000? It's not that Jessie and James have a magical understanding of Pokemon linguistics, it's that they have a talking cat to tell them what's going on!
But more important than the sarcasm and sailor-talk,
Meowth has taught me that I don't need human approval to be a worthwhile
pokemon.
Jerry: ...Except when said 'human approval' comes from Jessie and James, I notice.
Becoming a part of Team Rocket has enriched my life in so many ways and done
wonders for my self-esteem.
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Like, it's been so totally awesome, girlfriend.
It doesn't really matter that we can't ever seem to
beat those twerps --
Guardian's Song: Because Ash doesn't ever beat anyone when it counts, either! D|
it's the friendships we forge with each other and the
adventures we share along the way that are really important.
Guardian's Song: *curses under her breath about this being the actual attitude of the canon show these days* *misses when Ash had a chance in heck of moving on with his life*
I know that Jessie
and James are still trying to get used to the fact that I'm not a normal
pokemon, and that sometimes my enthusiasm tries their patience, but I also know
that they love me.
Jerry: Tom, it's not an It Gets Better episode. I think it might be a lesson about loving the disabled.
Tom: Aw, jeez. All'a th' Afterschool Specials sound th' same after a while, y' know that?
There's never been a doubt in my mind about that.
So how could Jessie possibly think she wasn't good enough for me?!
Jerry: O_o Um... this is Jessie/James, not Jessie/Wobbuffet, right?
Jessie returned my embrace and gently stroked the top of my head. "I'm so sorry,
Wobbuffet," she whispered. "I'm so sorry you had to end up with such a terrible
trainer...."
I placed my hand over her mouth and silenced her. You stop that right now! I
scolded her. Jessie, I don't blame you for what happened today!
Jerry: (Wobbuffet) Here in Cori-land, we blame the writers! :D
{snip wangst}
Oh, don't worry about it, Jess -- you weren't that bad, I told her. You've done
worse things before, and James never stays mad at you for long. He loves you so
much.
Jerry: (Wobbuffet) Johnny loves you, Lisa!
Jessie looked down at the ring on her left hand and smiled again. "I know James
loves me and never stays mad for long...I don't worry about that too much
anymore," she said.
Jerry: (Jessie) I know who's writing me.
"But it still makes me feel like a rat when I do something
to upset him. I'm trying to be better about stuff like that...."
And I'd say you're doing a damn good job, I told her, putting an arm around her
shoulders again. I'm always hearing James and Meowth say how much sweeter you
are now than you were a long time ago.
Jerry: (Wobbuffet) It's amazing what a dollop of OOCness will do for a person...
Tom: (Wobbuffet) They also say you had nowhere to go but up!
And no matter how bad you think you are,
you always come through for us in the end....
Tom: (Wobbuffet) Then again, so did the actors in Manos: The Hands of Fate.
As I said this, a light began to shine in Jessie's sapphire eyes. "Wobbuffet,
you just gave me an idea!"
I looked up at her. I did?
"I have to go back to that village and apologize to all those people I tried to
steal from," she explained.
Guardian's Song: ...Uh, Cori? Somehow, I suspect it takes more in both American and Japanese legal systems to make amends for attempted theft than "LOL, SORREH"!
"You guys were right -- trying to take their food
after they were so nice to us was wrong.
Guardian's Song: ...
...
...
Wow. Implying that it would be just peachy if they'd been mean. I... Wow.
Look. Doing bad things to someone is not completely justified if you happen to dislike them! It's just NOT! Even the most vicious, savage criminal subcultures have more rules than 'If you feel like hurting someone, hurt them! :D' And I don't CARE how far you are into the snark side of things! Random violence is not justified! I - for gad's sakes, Cori, I thought you at least justified the treatment of Ash Ketchum by coming up with all these grievances Team Rocket had against him, and justified Team Rocket's behavior with ~they need to eat, you unfeeling monsters~! But saying thievery was only wrong because the village was NICE to them -
Good gad, WHAT THE *BLEEP* IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I know it's not much, but I owe them an
explanation...and I need to make this up to you, too."
Guardian's Song: *covers face with one hand* At least I know that Cori Falls is more moral than the average Suethor. She just... completely mangles... sane morality as we know it...
I know what she's trying to get at. It's wrong to repay kindness with backstabbing. Fine and agreed. And Team Rocket is in desperate need of food, in Cori-land.
However, it would still be wrong to steal regardless of the situation, even if they had no other choice. Yes, sometimes you have to do bad things in order to survive. It would just be especially wrong to steal from people who had been kind towards you. Cori Falls makes it sound like - and probably believes that - the necessity clears all moral accounts, and the only thing that was wrong was hurting people who had been good to them.
It may be a technical difference, under the circumstances, but it's one that makes an enormous difference in the long term - the difference between "We have to get out of this situation because it forces us to steal to survive, and stealing is wrong" and "We probably should maybe get out of this situation because it forces us to steal to survive, and gosh darn it, that's really inconvenient, especially because of that demon Pikachu".
Is it that hard to admit your woobies could be in the wrong, Miss Falls?!!??!
This made me smile. I think that's a great idea, Jess!
Jessie's smile became a grin as she got to her feet. "Then come on! Let's go!"
she exclaimed.
Uh...just one question, I said. How the hell are we going to get back to the
village?!
Tom: (Jessie) Through PLOT POWER!!! *strikes a pose, a shooting star zooming through the background behind her*
In case you haven't noticed, we're stuck on a cliff!
Jessie tip-toed over to James's backpack and began to root through it. "Ah! Here
we are!" she whispered, bringing out one of his poke balls.
Tom: ...Say, isn't there that crazy chick who keeps misinterpretin' what Falls's typos mea-
Ariana: Baaaaaaa? :D
Tom: *jerks away* Gah! Speak'a th' devil, an' she appears!
What are you doing with James's pokemon? I asked.
Jessie smirked at me. "That was two questions...and we're going to use
Victreebel, here, to climb down, of course! Now keep quiet -- I don't want you
to wake James and Meowth up!"
You mean they're not coming with us?
She shook her head. "Wobbuffet, those people are really mad at us...and those
twerps and Officer Jenny might still be around. This could be dangerous, and I
don't want them to put themselves at risk. I'm the one who screwed up, so I have
to be the one who makes it right again."
I guess, I conceded. But I still think they'd want to help.
Ignoring me,
Jerry: So much for the power of eternal friendship and loyalty! Just as Miss Falls ignores it in every! Single! Fic!
Jessie tossed James's poke ball and released Victreebel.
JAMES!!!!! Victreebel screamed as he emerged from the ball and gave Jessie's
head a love-bite.
Jerry: D8
Tom: Th' fic is Jessie/James! Not James/Victreebel! Stop th' furry subtext!
Jerry: *recovers* May I add that making even the carnivorous assaults a sign of ~utter adoration~ is -
Tom: NO. Y' CAN'T.
"Ugh! Get off of me, you over-affectionate lunk!" Jessie cried, wriggling free
from his grasp. "I'm not James!"
Victreebel grinned sheepishly. Oops! Sorry about that, Jessie!
Tom: *screaming to the heavens* I don't need t' read about gay humansexual Victreebels! I don't need t' read about straight humansexual Victreebels! I! Just! DON'T!
"And be quiet, for godsake!" she hissed. "Don't wake him up!"
Victreebel gave her a quizzical look. Why? What's going on?
Vic, we need you to use your vines and help us down that cliff, I explained.
Jessie wants to go back to the village and apologize for all the trouble she
thinks she caused.
Victreebel frowned. But Jessie DIDN'T cause any trouble! he said. She and James
helped everybody, if I recall correctly!
Yeah, but the twerps were there, I told him. They....
Victreebel rolled his eyes. Oh. The twerps. Say no more.
Tom: (Victreebel) They no taste good!
"Uh, are you guys just going to sit around and talk all night, or are you going
to help me?" Jessie asked with more than a hint of impatience in her voice.
Of course I'll help, Jess! Victreebel replied. I don't know how the hell those
brats managed to screw us over this time, but if you're trying to set things
right, then count me in! With that, he wrapped his vines around me and Jessie
and braced himself so that we could climb down the cliff without falling.
Tom: (Victreebel) And you WILL bring me food, yes, you delicious bipdeal Twinkies?
(Jessie) Um, yep! Byeeeeee, Victreebel!
"Thanks, Victreebel," Jessie whispered as we began our descent. "I knew we could
count on you!"
Yeah! We owe ya one, Viccie! I said.
Victreebel winked at us and made a thumbs-up gesture with one of his leaves.
Tom: ...Th' Victreebel gives 'em a thumbs-up.
Jerry: Do you even have to ask at this point? I'm surprised it isn't doing a full burlesque act along with all the other Team Rocket Pokemon.
Guardian's Song: Don't jinx it!
@->->-
[to be (eventually) continued...]