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guardians_song) wrote2013-01-10 12:43 pm
Now Sporking: The Power That's Inside, Part 2/4
When I caught up to Jessie, I found her standing on the bank of a small pond
nestled among a clearing of trees deeper in the woods. She was taking items out
of the bag she was holding, and one by one, she was throwing them into the pond.
Looking closer, I saw that all of her hair-care products were kept in that bag.
And she was throwing them all away.
Every hairbrush, every comb, every bottle of shampoo, every can of hairspray,
every ribbon, every barrette, every ponytail holder, every hair-clip, every
scrunchie, every bobby-pin, even the curling-iron she used to give her hair that
pretty little coil at the end -- everything was being chucked into the pond.
Jerry: O______________O
Each time Jessie reached into the bag and pulled out something, she threw it as
hard as she could and made a small screaming noise. And each time the tossed
item landed in the water and sank, I saw a tear roll down her face.
Jerry: O_O D8
Once the bag was empty and the surface of the pond stopped roiling and churning,
Jessie looked down and studied her reflection in the still water. She hadn't
looked at herself since that morning, when she first discovered that her hair
had been cut short. So imagine how shocking it was to see herself with nothing
but a mohawk now.
Her lip began to quiver, and her face contorted into a wince as she started to
take more deep breaths. But it wasn't the deep breathing of relaxation. It was
more like panic -- she was hyperventilating!
That's when I heard it.
As Jessie fell to her knees, she emitted a scream that made my blood run cold.
It was a sound of extreme suffering and despair, like the wailing keen of a
banshee. She only screamed like that when she was in real pain. She made that
sound at Maiden's Peak when she thought she'd lost James to the ghost. She made
that sound when we were stranded on an icy mountain and she thought she saw the
spirit of her late mother. She made that sound a couple of weeks ago when James
fell off of a cliff, and we thought he was dead.
And she was making it now.
Jerry: O_____O D8 DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:
Guardian’s Song: Wait… waaaaait.
Losing her One Twoo Wub and losing her HAIR is ON THE SAME LEVEL?
Hoooly crud. Did Cori Falls apply NO sanity filter to these fics? None at ALL?
For several minutes, Jessie knealt on the bank of that pond, screaming the
scream of ultimate suffering over and over again.
For several minutes, Tom collapsed over the edge of the sporkers’ desk, screaming the scream of ultimate hilarity over and over again.
Then, she collapsed to the
ground and began to sob uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, Jerry buried her face in her hands and began to sob uncontrollably. (Dry sobs, mind you. No Kleenexes needed.)
This was no madwoman before me...only a
shattered soul.
Guardian’s Song: Objection! Those two aren’t mutually exclusive! Ariana Dumbledore was both!
Slowly, I came to her side and placed my paw on her shoulder once again.
But Jessie took no notice of me.
"Jess," I said softly.
She said nothing, just continued to cry.
"Jessie, it ain't dat bad," I told her. "Be thankful yer hair is all dat Scyther
cut off. He coulda' chopped off yer head, for God's sake!"
"I wish he would have!" she cried.
Guardian’s Song: …*slowly spins finger around ear*
"What?! Jess, ya don't mean dat!"
"YES I DO!" she screamed. "I WISH I WERE DEAD!!!"
"Yer talkin' crazy!" I told her.
She shook her head. "Don't you get it, Meowth?! I've lost everything! EVERYTHING!!!"
Tom: (Jessie) EVERYBODY BETRAY ME!!! I’M FED UP WITH THIS WOLD!!! …Oh, hai Meowth!!!
Jerry: *lifts face from hands* All this over a haircut?
"Ya still got me and Ja...."
"No, I don't," she moaned, cutting me off.
Jerry: (Meowth) - LIKE HER BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!
Tom: (Meowth) Oh, hai, Jessie’s hair!
"I treated James like shit,
Jerry: - over a haircut.
and he
hates me now.
Jerry: - over a haircut.
I have nothing...."
"That's not true."
We both looked and saw James standing behind us.
"J-James?" Jessie whimpered.
"Jess, how could I ever hate you?" he asked, coming to her side and putting his
arms around her.
Guardian’s Song: That’s what I was asking.
"How could you ever love me?" she sobbed. "I was so mean to you! And you think I'm
ugly! You said it yourself...."
James began to cry again. "God, Jessie, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean it...."
"Y-you didn't?"
Guardian’s Song: Miss Falls, you have no excuse. The swearing gave that scene away as entirely of your own invention.
Now, why in the WORLD are Jessie and James so bipolar when it comes to their relationship? ‘OMIGAWD, we are so deeply in WUB! *five minutes later* Our relationship is RUINED FOREVER! *two minutes later* I hate you! Go to Hell! *three minutes later* I LOVE YOU! DON’T LEAVE ME! *five minutes later* All is well! We’ll never, EVER do anything like that again! *next fic* Our relationship is RUINED FOREV-’
Seriously, doesn’t this level of psychological instability usually call for medication?
He shook his head. "No matter what your hair looks like, I still think you're
the most beautiful woman in the world."
Jessie sniffled.
"If anybody's the ugly freak around here, it's me!" he continued, laughing
bitterly.
Jerry: What?!
Tom: (Jessie) No, it’s just that this eyeshadow is soooo not your color. Girlfriend, what were you thinking?
"No you're not," she whispered in a broken voice as she returned his embrace. "James,
you're such a beautiful man...."
Tom: (Jessie) You’re prettier than me…
Jessie buried her face in his shoulder and continued to cry. James said nothing,
just held her in his arms and rocked her gently back and forth.
After several minutes of crying, Jessie finally succumbed to the physical,
mental, and emotional strain of what had happened, and she fell into a fitful
sleep in James's arms.
Guardian’s Song: If she’s trying to cast this as any sort of romance between mentally mature and stable adults, it’s not working.
ARIANA/ABERFORTH TALLY: ||||
James kissed her on the forehead.
ARIANA/ABERFORTH TALLY: |||| |
Guardian’s Song: I gave it another count for making her seem even more childlike…
Then, he got to his feet and picked her up. "Come
on, Meowth," he said. "Let's get back to camp."
I nodded and followed him.
@->->-
Once James had carried Jessie back to the balloon, he got out his blue sleeping-bag
and knealt
Guardian’s Song: What is her grudge against that word?
down on it, still holding Jessie in his arms. Now that she was asleep
and James didn't have to be strong for her anymore,
Jerry: And why can’t Jessie be strong for James?
the look of a frightened
child had returned to his eyes.
I had done my part to help Jessie (even if it was only miniscule)...now it was
time to help James. I had to talk to him and find out what was going on.
Tom: (Meowth) Anyway, James, how’s your sex life?
"Why don't we let her get some rest?" I suggested, gesturing for him to follow
me so that we could speak in private.
"But I don't wanna let her go," he whimpered, hugging Jess more tightly.
Jerry: …Now James is unstable, too?
I then remembered what Jessie had said about wishing that the Scyther had killed
her and realized that hearing something like that must've scared the hell out of
poor James.
Jerry: It scared the heck out of the READERS!
He was probably worried that if he turned his back on her again, he'd
lose her forever.
Tom: Well, he already lost her characterization…
And considering how upset she'd been, it was a real
possibility.
Tom: Can we lose this fic forever? *looks hopeful*
Guardian’s Song: Nice try. About 13,000 words left!
Jerry: D8
Tom: DX
Again, he laughed bitterly. "I was so mad at her...for what she said about her
hair being her only friend and her one true love. I kept wondering why she'd
forgotten about me all of a sudden,
Tom: ‘Cause, in th’ show, there was nothin’ t’ forget about.
and I never stopped to think about how much
it was hurting her. It wasn't until I heard her screaming
Tom: (Jessie) – I DID NAHT HIT HIM, I DID NAHT!
that I realized how
much pain she was in.
Jerry: What about how much pain the READERS are in?!
She...she actually thought I hated her because of what I
said...what I did!
Jerry: She took you at your word? What a surprise!
God, I feel like such an idiot! I could've lost her...."
"Don't blame yerself," I told him. "I could tell ya had some stuff on yer mind...and
ya still do."
"But that was no excuse for me to be so insensitive to her!" he cried.
Tom: (James) We need to talk about our feelings! And hug it out! And see a therapist! *sobs*
Jerry: I’d actually agree about the last part…
The sound of his voice stirred Jessie from her sleep, and she started crying
again.
"No," James whispered. "No, Jessie, please don't cry!"
Tom: (James) You’ll ruin my designer dress!
"I'm so ugly!" she sobbed. "So ugly...on the inside and the outside!
Jerry: In this story?! Yes! Yes, you are!
I wouldn't
blame you for hating me now...."
James ran his fingers through what was left of her hair and kissed her tenderly
on the lips. "No, Jessie. I love you," he whispered. "No matter what you look
like, you'll always be my beautiful angel, and I'll always love you."
"I love you too, James," she whispered back.
James held her closer and kissed her again. "I'm sorry for blowing up at you
earlier.
Guardian’s Song: Miss Falls, when I said that I wanted something other than a direct correspondence between Jessie/James and Ariana/Aberforth, I didn’t mean that I wanted James to be like Ariana.
I didn't mean to hurt you like that, and I didn't mean all of those
terrible things I said."
"I'm sorry, too," she echoed. "I know you were only trying to help me...."
"I still want to help you," he told her. "I'll do anything for you, Jess.
Tom: (Jessie) Stop wearing all my dresses!
(James) Except for that.
Anything to make you happy again. What do you need me to do right now?"
Tom: (Jessie) Do a sexy Macarena while cradling a pelican under one arm and wearing a pineapple on your head.
(James) …Can anyone do that?
"Just hold me...just keep talking to me, James," she muttered. "Your touch...your
voice...they're so beautiful...."
Tom: Please tell me I’m hallucinatin’ this fic.
Jerry: Then tell ME I’m hallucinating this fic.
Tom: Ah, darn it…
For several minutes he gently caressed her body and whispered sweet words into
her ear until she was finally able to stop crying and relax. She closed her eyes
again, secure in the knowledge that he still loved her.
James closed his eyes, too. He smiled at the thought that he was able to make
Jessie feel better, even after all she had lost.
Jerry: Including her sanity?
And for the first time all day,
a peaceful quiet fell over the three of us.
I thought that the two of them had fallen asleep, but Jessie suddenly broke the
silence. "The last memory I have of my mother," she whispered, "is that she was
brushing my hair."
Tom: (Jessie) The last memory I have of my father is that he was doing a table dance while clad only in frilly, lacy women’s underwear. *glances at James* Maybe Freud had a point about the Electra Complex…
"Jess?" James said softly. "You don't have to tell me if it hurts."
"No, I have to get this out," she replied. "I remember...it was the morning that
she left on her mission to find Mew.
Tom: (Jessie) Before that was the evening she left on her mission to find Pepe Le Pew.
When she told us about it the night before,
I had the feeling that something bad was going to happen.
Tom: (Jessie) She made a young friend of hers, a C. Falls, promise that when I grew up and got (in)famous, she’d be my biographer.
I cried and cried and
begged her not to
Tom: (Jessie) – buy stock in Enron –
go, but she had no choice.
"I was still crying in the morning, but momma sat me down at the table and
started brushing my hair. She...she told me what a good little girl I was and
what beautiful hair I had...and that no matter what happened, she'd always be
with me. When she was done brushing my hair, she pulled it into a little coil at
the end and tied it with a ribbon. And then...then she picked up her backpack
and went out the door, and I never saw her again...."
No wonder Jessie had been so upset when she lost her hair! It was a way for her
to remember her mother! I guess that as long as she had her mane of hair, she
had some sort of connection to Miyamoto.
Guardian’s Song: Um… but that hair wouldn’t be the same hair. It would grow out, fall out, and be replaced.
Tom: What’s this “Earth Logic” thing y’ keep talkin’ about?
Her memories were entwined in that hair,
and when the Scyther chopped it off, it was like she'd lost her mother all over
again!
Jerry: WHAT?!
Who could blame her for going psycho?
Jerry: EVERYBODY!
"Jessie...I'm so sorry," James whispered. "I had no idea...."
"It's not your fault," she told him. "I've never told that to anyone before...so
how were you to know?"
"I still should've been more understanding," he replied.
She smiled at him.
"You know," he said, "I'm actually kind of glad I lost my hair, too. I don't
want you to go through this alone...even if it does bring back some painful
memories for me...."
Tom: (James) The time I lost my best wigs…
"It does?"
He nodded.
Yes, this experience was just as upsetting for him as it was for her --
Jerry: Assume for a moment that this story makes sense.
James is claiming that he’s got something just as bad as flashing back violently to the trauma of losing a beloved mother at a very young age?
This… ought to be… “good”.
just
before their big fight broke out, James had told Jessie that he knew exactly how
she felt. And even now, he still had the look of a frightened child in his eyes.
What had happened to him?
"Tell me," she said. "Please?"
James closed his eyes and sighed. "It was about ten years ago now, I guess," he
began. "It started out as a typical day -- my dad was yelling at me, telling me
what a screw-up I was and how I never did anything right. Then, out of nowhere,
he told me that if I didn't learn how to do things the proper way, he was going
to send me to military school, where they'd make me learn."
Guardian’s Song: Um… wait. Wouldn’t James have been seven to nine years old then? How do you send a nine-year-old to military school?
Okay, here’s the background on what’s behind Cori’s issues in this fic.
“This ep brought up some very personal and painful issues for me. It may not be as brightly colored or as outrageously styled, but I have long, red hair, just like Jessie. And, I've had a few forced haircuts in my day. What can I say? I really identify with her, and I knew EXACTLY how she felt when the Scyther cut off her hair. And what's more, I know how much it hurts to be made fun of. I looked really stupid with short hair, which is why I always wear it long now that I'm an adult and I can do whatever I want with it. (At 23, my hair was almost as long as Jessie's, but I'm going to rival Rapunzel when I'm 80!) Other kids always used to laugh at me and make fun of me when I had to get my hair cut short. Even grown-ups would laugh at me! (I once had a summer camp counselor who told me that I looked like a retard with short hair! O_o) Now do you see why I hate Misty for what she did?”
So… basically, Cori was bullied as a child over her involuntary haircuts, and that caused her to get triggered by the episode. She writes elsewhere in the rant in question that the episode makes her physically ill and causes her to want to throw up. (No, not watching the episode. Apparently, just knowing that it was on made her sick to her stomach.)
…Yeah, I feel sorry for her. However, that gives her no right to feel such rage at a child and a pack of wild animals, who could hardly be expected to know Jessie’s – er, Cori’s – psychological issues. *facepalm*
I would lay off of Cori Falls if she wasn’t such a nasty, unhinged writer. If she could just say ‘I have issues with this, and therefore I am doing this’, that would be one thing. This entire ‘I am the Holy Rocket Avenger! I will smite the twerps in the Name of the Moon!’ shtick is what earns her the sporkings.
She wouldn’t have been Cori Falls without it, now would she? :P
Jessie shuddered.
"He never did send me," he continued. "But I'll be damned if he didn't act like
he was going to make good on that threat. After his little lecture, dad took me
to the barber shop. He told me that they don't let little long-haired brats like
me into military school...and he got the barber to shave my head. Shave me bald.
Tom: He wanted t’ make y’ into Britney Spears?
"I kicked and screamed and struggled for all I was worth, but dad and that
barber held me down. All I could do was sit helplessly as those electric
clippers buzzed and watch as all of my hair fell to the floor." Tears were
welling up in his emerald eyes,
Jerry: Emerald eyes! DRINK! *chugs Lemonade*
but he chuckled softly. "Heh. My mom didn't talk
to dad for the rest of the day after she found out about that little stunt...but
still, it was almost a year before my hair grew back...."
"Oh, James," Jessie whispered. "I'm so sorry! You really do know how I feel! I'm
sorry I yelled at you...."
"It's okay," he said. "I never told that to anybody before, either."
The two of them embraced again.
"But look on the bright side," James told her. "My hair did grow back eventually.
It'll grow back again, and so will yours."
Tom: *dramatically* Like yer hearts.
Jerry: Don’t give her ideas!
"Easy for you to say," she muttered. "James, your hair was shorter than mine to
begin with, and you always kept it that way! It won't take yours long to grow
back to normal. But me? I never once had a haircut in my life! I lost seventeen...almost
eighteen years of growth today -- it's going to take forever for all of it to
grow back!
Guardian’s Song: Um… Cori Falls really wasn’t aware of how hair growth worked, was she?
It'll never be the same again...."
"Well, no matter what it looks like, I'll always think it's beautiful," James
replied. "Even earlier today when your hair first got cut, I thought it looked
pretty hot that way!"
"Y-you did?"
He nodded. "Don't get me wrong, I loved your long hair as much as you did, but
it still looked good, even after it got cut short. And the bottom line is, no
matter how much I loved the hair, I love the woman it was attatched to even more.
Tom: (James) And her pretty, pretty clothes.
You're all that I really care about, Jess, and I'll still be here for you...no
matter what...."
"Same here, James. Same here," Jessie said, running her fingers through his
mohawk. "I really miss your hair too, but it's okay...just as long as I still
have you."
They smiled at each other, and their lips met in a passionate kiss. Then, James
leaned into Jessie until she was on her back. He laid himself on top of her as
they continued to kiss.
Jerry: This is so exciting. Never have I seen something more exciting. Oh, how exciting.
When they broke free, Jessie gazed adoringly into his
eyes. James gave her a longing look, telling her what he wanted, but was too
much of a gentleman to take without permission.
Tom: That takes a gentleman?
Jessie nodded. "Make love to me, James," she whispered. "Please make
Jerry: – French toast –
love to me.
I need you more than
Tom: - bunions -
anything."
I turned away as the two of them began to undress each other, and instead, I
gazed up at the small patches of night sky that peeked through the canopy of
trees overhead.
Jerry: Poor Meowth… forced to stand around in the background of sex scenes.
Everything they had told each other reverberated in my mind, and I thought about
what a traumatic experience this must have been for them today. But even after
all that had happened, their love for each other was able to bring them back
together and make everything okay.
Guardian’s Song: Um, Miss Falls? We WERE reading the fic. We could see that for ourselves.
And their love for each other made me start thinking about what good friends
they were to me. Never had I known true friendship until I met Jessie and James.
Tom: (Meowth) And I didn’t know it afterwards, either.
The day they came into my life was one of the happiest days I can remember. And
every day since then, no matter how miserable, has had at least some measure of
joy because of them.
Tom: (Meowth) Even if it was just of de sadistic type.
They were the first...and the only humans I could ever trust, and they had done
so much for me. They were always there to listen to me when I was feeling low or
when I had a secret to share,
Tom: (Meowth) Not dat dey’d pay much attention.
they were there to comfort me on the day I lost
Jerry: (Meowth) – my Skitty-on-Wailord video collection –
Togepi to Misty, they were there to save me on the day I faced my old gang and
tried to rescue Meowsie. Even a few days ago, when we were on the island with
the ancient civilization of Meowth-worshippers, the two of them sacrificed so
much just so that I could be happy. It still brought tears to my eyes to think
that Jessie had spent all of her money and James had given up his prized bottle-cap
collection
Jerry: *HEADDESK*
in order to save my life, and that they were willing to let me go so
that I could be worshipped as a god and spend the rest of my days in complete
happiness. (But I couldn't leave 'em -- how could leave when I learned dat dey
were the ones who really made me happy?)
So how could I sit idly by and allow them to be hurt like this now?
Inadvertently, I found my gaze drifting back to Jessie and James.
Jerry: Avert your eyes!
I knew that
they'd been lovers for several weeks, but I'd always found a way to dip out and
give them their privacy whenever they became intimate.
Jerry: Thank heavens!
I'd never actually seen
them in the act.
Jerry: Thank double heavens!
Until now, that is.
Jerry: Curse Hell!
They looked kind of strange with all of their hair shaved off, but I swear, I'd
never seen them more beautiful than they were at that moment.
Tom: Gah! There is a furry in this fic! Meowth’s a furry fer humans!
The two of them
were locked in an embrace that brought them as close as two humans could
possibly be, and the sheer amount of trust...and love it took to be able to
share their bodies with each other like that was amazing! Seeing them make love
reminded me just how much they really care for each other.
Jerry: And how much Cori Falls cares for throwing in lovemaking scenes at every opportunity.
It was about more
than just physical gratification -- they were joining their hearts and their
souls, too!
Tom: Fer four hours straight, no less.
Their love for each other transcended physical appearance...
Jerry: *flatly* Yes, such is the depth of the love of the people who are beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, handsome, handsome, handsome…
transcended
adversity. Seeing them together like this made me realize that love is the most
powerful force in the entire universe.
Guardian’s Song: Cori Falls’s fics, in a nutshell.
That love really does conquer all!
Tom: Includin’ that warnin’ that erections lastin’ over four hours may require medical attention!
And so, turning away and giving Jessie and James their privacy once again, I
decided to prove my love to them.
Jerry: Please, not on-screen!
Tom: Spare us yer bestiality threesomes!
This was about more than hair -- in a way, their bodies had been violated today,
Guardian’s Song: WHAT?
and it had almost torn their beautiful hearts and souls apart. The rape of their
locks would not go unpunished!
Guardian’s Song: Does she not know that poem was a JOKE?
(Also, she is literally comparing haircuts to rape.)
I had to go back and find those Scythers. I had
to make them pay for stealing Jessie's inner-connection to her mother...
Jerry: Her inner connection to her mother should NOT be dependent upon her HAIR!
make
them pay for reducing James to a frightened child, pinned helplessly in a barber's
chair as his beautiful blue-violet hair is mercilessly shaven off.
Jerry: And hair should not be a PTSD trigger. I think.
I was madder than hell, and vengeance would be mine.
Guardian’s Song: For a haircut.
Um… Yes! Yes! Perhaps the revenge narrative IS over-glorified and over-rated in contemporary American society! I… uh… Yeah. Uh.
Anyone who wants to write an essay on that topic has just had a wonderful strawman presented to them. As a bonus? It was written with a straight face!
@->->-
I quickly left the forest and headed back the way we had come that afternoon.
But when I reached the clearing where our fateful battle had taken place, I
stopped dead in my tracks.
Tom: (Meowth) De Scythers were gettin’ it on! *flees*
The sight of Jessie and James's hair, scattered about on the ground was enough
to make me sick again. Their hair had been so beautiful, and seeing it so
mistreated filled me with rage once more.
Jerry: It sporks itself! *throws up hands*
A montage of images raced through my mind as I leaned down and gathered some
strands of their hair from the dirt.
Jerry: (Meowth) Barbers… Hair dye canisters… Various costumes with elaborate hairdos…
Tom: (Meowth) James and Jessie having byooooooteeful sex! I’ll post aaaaall the photos ta MeowthFurcadia! Σ:3
Jerry: …*seriously considers gagging him*
I thought of Jessie and how she used to
style her hair. Usually she just wore it in that stiff plume that defied every
conceivable law of physics,
Jerry: But not of hair gel.
but it always looked pretty, no matter how she wore
it. Sometimes she'd pile it all on top of her head and look like a princess...for
she was. A real princess among women.
Jerry: *FACEPALM*
Or sometimes she'd braid it and look like
a warrior...
Jerry: …Braid = warrior? What?
for she was. A woman as brave and strong as Jess can be nothing less
than an Amazon!
Tom: I tell y’, he’s a furry. In reverse.
And sometimes she wouldn't do anything at all with it -- she'd
just let it hang loose (it was so long that it went all the way past her knees
when it was down) and look like an angel...for she was. No matter how tough and
callous she may act, she's an angel on earth!
Tom: I told y’ so!
Then, I thought about James and how much I loved his hair, too.
Tom: …A bisexual reverse-furry.
It would’ve been a threesome.
I remember
always looking for an excuse to hitch a ride on his shoulder or his head because
I enjoyed just burying my face in his hair.
Tom: Don’t agree with me, Falls!
It was always so soft and silky, and
it always smelled like roses! (Who could blame Meowth for lovin' it?!)
Tom: *begins retching*
Jerry: You know, you deserved that for all your laughing earlier.
Tom: I ain’t interested in a Meowth’s furry fantasies!
Tears rolled down my face as I picked up more of their hair. I couldn't just
leave it there on the ground, after all -- it seemed disrespectful!
Tom: *breaks off from retching to start laughing*
Jerry: *not amused* I told you that you deserved it.
I had to do
something with it!
Tom: *chokes up*
Jerry: *smirks* …*looks at the fic* *CRINGES*
And do something with it, I did -- as I gathered the hair, I
suddenly found my paws
Tom: Don’t tell us!
entwining the strands, braiding them together.
Tom: …Oh, that’s all? *slumps forward, relieved*
Jerry: …
It was beautiful. The contrast in the colors of their hair made me realize just
how different the two of them really are...and why they go so perfectly together.
Jerry: …*mouth falls open*
Tom: …What is this, a non-explicit entry on the Human RPF PokéKink Meme?
The colors even suited them perfectly, like a mirror of their personalities.
Crimson and blue-violet. Ruby and sapphire. Fire and ice. Yin and yang.
Jerry: The inverse of red is green.
Guardian’s Song: *painfully* Pokémon-fandom slash shippers? Cori Falls just inadvertently endorsed James/Butch.
Tom and Jerry: *mutual horror*
Guardian’s Song: And, if you continue on with the analogy, Jessie’s hair looks purple in some shots, and the inverse of purple is yellow… So she’s endorsing Jessie/Cassidy as well.
Tom and Jerry: *even more mutual horror*
Guardian’s Song: Miss Falls, will you at least keep your metaphors straight? Though I guess those metaphors do end up being gay… *ducks rotten tomatoes*
Woman
and man.
Guardian’s Song: No, we just clearly established that, in this case, it’s man and man and woman and woman.
Jessie and James....
I looked at the braid when I was finished. It was a masterpiece -- the colors of
their hair blended so well together, just like the two of them...
Jerry: *CRINGE*
but it needed
something more. On impulse, I pulled out two of my whiskers and tied off either
end of the braid with them. There. Now it was complete.
Tom: Stop shippin’ Jessie/James/Meowth! He’s not even in th’ Humanform Egg Group!
Now all three of us were
in that braid together. It was the perfect symbol of our friendship and unity...and
the perfect talisman for me to take to battle.
Tom: Get some other OT3! ANY other! Just so long as it’s HUMAN!
Ship Jessie/James/Th’ Old Boss fer all I care! Just not somethin’ with a POKÉMON!
I held up the braid and inhaled the heavenly fragrance of their hair. Even now,
after it had been destroyed it was still softer than silk, and it still smelled
like roses...almost as if it were enchanted!
Tom: *GAGS*
Jerry: …This sounds horribly like a melodramatic ship-fic.
Tom: Just like? It IS! It IS! An’ it’s not just James/Jessie! No, it’s gotta throw in th’ MEOWTH! What th’ MUK?!
…That ain’t a suggestion, Falls! Don’t throw in a Muk!
Dis one's for you...Jessie, James, I thought as I continued my hunt for the
Scyther swarm. You've proven yer love for Meowth so many times! Now it's time
for me ta prove how much I love youse guys, too!
Guardian’s Song: …I swear I have read (much better-written) threesome fics expressing nearly these exact sentiments.
Miss Falls, you write your romances like platonic sibling relationships and your platonic friendships like romances. I… I am lost for words as to how you managed that.
@->->-
{SNIP, he finds the Scythers}
"Heh, heh, heh! Did you see the look on their faces when the old one attacked
them?!" one of the Scythers laughed.
"Yeah," came another's reply -- a Scyther with a large scar on his face. "I
thought what I did to the little redhead was good, but when he shaved her and
that other human bald? It was priceless! I'm kind of sorry I was so hard on the
old coot...."
That was him! The Scyther who had cut off Jessie's hair! And he thought it was a
joke!
Guardian’s Song: She’s trying to make them seem Totally Evil.
Unfortunately, as is common in badfic, this makes them the voices of reason.
I tell you, watching those monsters sitting there, laughing about causing me and
my friends so much pain
Guardian’s Song: And how are they supposed to telepathically realize that it hurt you so?! MOST people do not feel ~violated~ by HAIRCUTS!
upset me to no end. I wanted nothing more than to charge
into their midst and Fury Swipe them all to oblivion!
Tom: One Meowth, tons’a Scythers. Yeah, tell us how that goes.
I wanted to hurt them as
badly as they'd hurt us...
Tom: They ain’t got hair, moron.
and this time, there'd be no twerps to interfere!
Jerry: And this time, you don’t have a glue gun to incapacitate them!
But suddenly, I stopped myself. Wait a sec! I thought. Dere's no way in Hell I
can take on so many of 'em at once! As soon as dey catch sight of me, I'll get
torn ta ribbons!
Tom: Y’ noticed!
My courage faltered, but only for a second. As soon as I hung my head and
prepared to chicken out, I found myself looking at the braid. Seeing their hair
and my whiskers twined together reminded me of
Tom: *starts violently gagging*
I don’t care WHAT y’ say about ~love is love~! This? This is just SICK!
Guardian’s Song: They’re not furries, Tom.
Tom: Are y’ BLIND?!
what I was fighting for...
Jerry: (Meowth) De right ta three free meals a day! And make dem good ones, too!
and it
gave me an idea!
I wasn't going to win this battle with strength. That much I knew. Even the
weakest Scyther of the swarm was bigger and stronger than I was.
Tom: Y’ could still do it with good set-up… If Meowth was any good at set-up. Scyther does one good Swords Dance, aaaaaan’ that’s all, folks.
Besides,
Scyther is a pokemon with a warrior spirit and a warrior mentality. But Meowth?
No, I'm no warrior. If I've got the spirit of anything, it's the spirit of a
thief!
Jerry: *FLOORED* He’s in-character as a member of Team Rocket?
Tom: Who th’ Shellder are y’, an’ what have y’ done with Cori Falls?
An’ can we keep y’?
But I could still use that to my advantage. After all, even a thief can
win a battle, but a thief wins through cunning and speed rather than strength.
Tom: An’ Scyther is still faster.
I
just had to pit my assets against theirs and see which would prevail -- brains
or brawn.
Tom: (Meowth) *five minutes later* *twitches* Brawn. Brawn every time.
The first thing I had to do was bring the odds more into my favor. Like I said,
there was no way I'd be able to take on an entire swarm. But against one I had a
chance at victory, even if it was kind of slim.
Jerry: That’s one way to put it. Another way is that you’d have to do it in RBY with heavy RNG manipulation.
[Fun fact: The attack coding for Gen 1 was bugged, so every attack (save possibly Swift – I can’t remember) had a 1/256 chance of missing. *cough* Not that you’d ever manage to so glitch yourself through a battle legitimately…]
And the one I had to fight was
their leader -- he was the one who had caused all of this trouble in the first
place...and if the leader falls, so falls the swarm. Such is the mind of the
soldier.
Tom: …An’ what if th’ second-in-command steps up t’ take his place?
There is no free will...just the command of the leader. Without
leadership, the swarm would be nothing!
Tom: “There is no free will… just th’ command’a th’ author. Without authorship, th’ badfic would be nothin’!”
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Now I needed to figure out how to approach them. I couldn't just charge in,
screaming bloody murder -- that'd only make them laugh!
Tom: Self-awareness! What will she think up next?
No, I had to appeal to
their sense of honor.
Tom: Aaaaan’ that would only make ‘em laugh.
As warriors, they lived by a code,
Tom: How d’y’ know they ain’t just bandits? Like, y’know, Team Rocket?
and I had to take
advantage of that.
As I pondered this, I listened to them, continuing to gloat over their rout of
Team Rocket.
Jerry: How do they know Team Rocket from Adam?!
That's when it came to me....
"Yeah!" the lead Scyther boasted, making slashing motions with his blades. "She
thought she was so tough, but we cut her down to size...."
I began to applaud as I slowly emerged from the bushes and approached the swarm.
"Impressive!" I said sarcastically. "Ya chopped off a frightened little girl's
hair
Jerry: And now she’s a frightened little girl? What happened to the ~warrior~ and the ~goddess~?
Tom: Y’ expect consistency? From this author?
and got shown up by some old codger. Real goddamned impressive!"
The Scythers tensed and turned to face me.
"You have no room to talk, cat!" the leader sneered. "If I recall correctly, you
got shown up by that old codger yourself."
"True," I conceded. "But den, I never claimed ta be a warrior, now, did I? Not
like you, anyway."
The Scyther frowned. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.
Guardian’s Song: …For some reason, I’m hearing this Scyther voiced by Vegeta, and I haven’t the foggiest why. …Just wanted to let everyone know.
"I came ta challenge you to a rematch," I replied, unsheathing my claws and
admiring the silver moonlight that glinted off of them. "After all, you insulted
the honor of Team Rocket today,
Jerry: What honor?
and I can't forgive dat."
When they heard this, all of the Scythers burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" I asked calmly.
"You?!" the leader said disdainfully. "YOU want to challenge ME?!"
"I do believe dat's what I said. Ya got a problem with dat?"
"Stupid little cat," he hissed. "You know you'll only be defeated again...
Tom: *nods energetically*
and
this time I won't be so merciful. If you lose, I will kill you for your
insolence."
Tom: (/b/tard Scyther) YIFF IN THE FIERY PITS OF THE UNDERWORLD, FURFAG!
"So what?" I retorted. "I'd rather die on my feet den live on my knees.
Tom: How’d you get employed by Team Rocket, again?
I can't
just run away like a coward after what ya done ta my friends!"
This made him start laughing again. "Did you hear that?!" he jeered. "The little
cat thinks he's a warrior now!"
"I never said I was a warrior," I told him. "But dere's honor among thieves too,
Tom: Yeah, th’ unsuccessful ones.
and I got as much honor ta uphold as you do.
Jerry: (Scyther) You mean, none at all?
So what's it gonna be? Do ya accept
my challenge...or are ya afraid of gettin' beat by a little cat?"
Jerry: (Scyther) No, I just don’t want this one-sided a battle on my record.
Those were the magic words.
I had called the Scyther's honor into question...and suggested that refusing my
challenge would make him a coward. I couldn't be denied now, and he knew it!
The lead Scyther's eyes flashed.
C!Syaoran: *picks rhinestones out of his teeth* Trends in urban Scyther fashion have grown distinctly… tacky.
"Very well," he sneered. "We'll have a one-on-one
battle to the death. If you live, my swarm will let you leave Murka Island with
your miserable life. But if I win...wait a minute, what am I saying?! WHEN I win,
you will die.
Tom: *snort* Th’ SCYTHER is th’ first t’ wake up from Falls’s control? Now that’s just pathetic.
You understand this, don't you?"
I nodded. I wasn't going to let him scare me away. "Just one condition," I said.
"And what would that be?"
Tom: (/b/tard Scyther) On second thought, I really don’t want to hear a furry’s final request.
"No matter what the outcome of dis fight, you and yer swarm gotta leave the
humans alone."
The Scyther chuckled. "Oh! Protecting the cowardly humans who sent you to die!
How noble!"
"Dey didn't send me ta do nothin'!" I growled. "I'm here cuz
Tom: (Meowth) – de author made me do it!
I choose ta be!"
His cold insect eyes narrowed to slits. "Foolish cat. Why do you risk your life
for such weak, pathetic creatures?"
"Cuz dey're my
Tom: Don’t answer that!
friends."
Tom: …Oh. Uh. Y’ didn’t hear anythin’ there.
Jerry: *snorts*
"It figures," he snorted.
"And what's dat supposed ta mean?"
"You're a sell-out.
Tom: (/b/tard Scyther) You’ve gone mainstream! And you probably disapprove of piracy, too! *bursts into tears* You corporate monster!
Just like all the others," he told me. "There is no life
form so weak as a human.
Jerry: (Meowth) Hoppip.
(Scyther) …Never mind.
They're so utterly defenseless that they have to build
weapons of destruction and enslave pokemon in order to protect themselves.
Guardian’s Song: Um. Er. That… actually has a point, from a wild Pokémon’s point of view…
You
and every other pokemon who serves them is a sell-out!"
"Dat ain't true!" I shot back. "Sure, dere's some bad people in dis world, but
my friends ain't among 'em!
Tom: WHAT?!
Jerry: They’re in Team Rocket! They’re EXACTLY the sort of human the Scyther was talking about!
Dey may not always show it, but dey got hearts of
Tom: - copper-plated tin.
Jerry: Hey!
gold! Dere pokemon ain't slaves, and neither is Meowth! We help Jess and Jim cuz
dey love us!"
He rolled his eyes.
Tom: Y’ an’ me both.
"Ugh! I don't know which is more pathetic -- the humans or
the pokemon that serve as their happy slaves! Are you truly so stupid that you're
not even aware of your servitude...that you bow down to your masters at the cost
of your dignity?"
Guardian’s Song: This is getting uncomfortably close to a legitimate interpretation…
"Hey! Meowth don't take orders from no human!" I snapped. "I'm my own master,
and I follow 'em cuz dey're the only livin' things in dis world -- human or
pokemon -- dat ever cared about me...dat could accept me the way I am...."
Tom: Y’ mean, that could accept a reverse-furry?
"That doesn't say much for them," the Scyther remarked. "You're worse than a
slave pokemon. You've sold more than your freedom -- you've sold your soul."
"Whadda you sayin'?!" I demanded.
Tom: (/b/tard Scyther) THAT YOU’RE A STINKING FURRY!
"Look at you. You walk on two legs. You use human speech. But it cost you your
pokemon abilities," he told me. "Now you're nothing but a freak.
Tom: (/b/tard Scyther) And also, a furry.
You said
yourself that you were rejected by the world of humans...the pathetic creatures
you were trying so hard to become like.
Tom: (/b/tard Scyther) And looked up creepy porn of.
And at the same time, you sacrificed all
of your real power.
Jerry: What power?
So what good are you as a pokemon? The answer is, you're not.
You're completely worthless."
"Alright, enough talk!" I snapped, unable to take his insults anymore. "Let's
just get dis over with!"
Scyther grinned as he took a step towards me. "Very well. But before I destroy
you, I have a question."
"What?"
"When your friend found out that I'd cut off her hair," he began, "how loud did
she scream?" His grin became a wicked leer...a leer that made Jessie's demonic
face look downright friendly!
Guardian’s Song: Cut the rape metaphor! This is beyond inadvertently-stupid and well into being ACTIVELY IN POOR TASTE!
My eyes widened at the audacity of his question. How DARE he ask something like
that?!
Seeing my reaction only made the swarm start laughing again.
"I SAID ENOUGH!" I shouted. "Ya can insult Meowth all ya want, but I told ya ta
leave my friends outta dis!"
"Oh, did I make the little kitty mad?" he jeered.
Jerry: Ah… who was supposed to be getting under whose skin? (Or “whose chitin”, as the case may be…)
Tom: Y’ expect consistency? Still?
"Quit talkin' and fight," I growled, unsheathing my claws.
The lead Scyther brought up his blades and assumed a fighting stance. "I'll try
to conceal my terror!" he said mockingly. "Prepare to die!"
And then, he lunged at me.
Quickly, I ducked and rolled away as one of his blades came slashing down,
missing me by mere inches. When I came out of the roll, I jumped back to my feet
and faced him again. I couldn't turn my back on him...not even for a second.
Tom: Thank y’, Captain Obvious!
"You're fast," he remarked.
"Heh. I kinda hafta be, don't I?"
He smirked.
Jerry: You don’t have time to do anything but stay on your toes, but you have time for banter?
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I sized him up. I had to strike at
him, but I had to find a weak spot first. Charging in blindly would only be a
waste of energy...and I'd probably get hacked to pieces, too.
Tom: “Probably”?
Where was he
vulnerable? My scratch and bite attacks wouldn't do anything against his armor-like
exoskeleton, and there was no way for me to go for his eyes without getting
through his blades.
Jerry: …Whether or not you could reach them – you forgot to mention the wings. You should have at least mentioned them.
That's when I knew I was just going to have to wear him down. I'd let him waste
all of his energy attacking me, and once he was tired, he'd slow down...start
making mistakes.
Tom: Writin’ bad fanfics.
Then I could make my move. But outlasting him was going to take
all of my concentration. I had to anticipate his every action and react before
he did.
Tom: …An’ now it’s just soundin’ like bad porn.
I had to make every move count and conserve as much of my energy as
possible.
Jerry: This is Pokémon, not Fire Emblem.
Guardian’s Song: Tell Cori that. While you’re at it, can you remind her that James isn’t Eliwood?
no subject
Yeah, I really don't get why Cori decided comparing involuntary haircuts to rape unironically was a good idea. I mean, I know that people who have traumas or psychological issues in general can get triggered by things you wouldn't expect, but not only is it incredibly melodramatic to insist that getting your hair cut without your consent is like rape, but it also diminishes the trauma of rape by comparing it to something so (objectively) trivial. This is why you shouldn't bring up real-life traumas or disorders in your fiction unless they're really relevant!
no subject
I've heard it's quite good, but with the understanding that it was a joke. As you said... shouldn't Cori Falls, as an ENGLISH MAJOR, have caught that?
PRECISELY. You said it much better than I did, but that's what I was getting at! How does one POSSIBLY think of equating involuntary haircuts to rape?!