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guardians_song) wrote2012-10-16 10:49 pm
guardians_song) wrote2012-10-16 10:49 pm
Entry tags:
Belated crosspost of the 'Trick' from Sarajayechan:
My inner goddess performs a quick arabesque as she dares you to actually write about Cori!Eliwood trading in the Durandal for the Sword of Seals.
"Durandal, the sword of sacred fire," Lyn mused. "...It's strange, isn't it? I've never seen it before, and yet it feels so familiar..."
"I will use this to battle Nergal," proclaimed Eliwood. "Come! To the Dragon's G-"
"HOLD EVERYTHING!"
The tactician came dashing into the cave, furiously waving a sheaf of papers. "Throw that heated penknife onto the ground and make haste for the Shrine of Seals! That is not the blade that will determine your destiny!"
"I... ah... what?" Eliwood asked, blinking. "But... after we came all this-"
"I just got my hands on a copy of Fuuin no Tsugiri's script, and the old man has clearly gone senile!" the tactician snapped, gesturing again with the sheaf of papers.
"What's a 'script'?" Lyn asked Hector under her breath.
"Glaaarbldrk ME EAT PUPPIES," Hector grunted, whacking himself in the head with his Devil Axe. But then, people weren't known for their intelligence when permanently under the influence of a Berserk Staff.
"Shut up, you raving shitheel Hector! Anyway, WE MAKE HASTE! ONWARDS, to the Shrine of Seals!"
Eliwood and Lyn gave each other despairing glances, then followed their tactician's command. They were, after all, trapped between a sheer drop and a ravenous predator - it was Cori's psychosis or Nergal's death-lust.
Though, by now... to tell the truth, if the fate of the world did not hang in the balance, they would give serious thought to throwing aside their weapons and seeking out Nergal's nearest fortress...
(Meanwhile, Canas, chief of the Ignored Characters, informed the local Ice Dragon that its travels would be held up for a month due to Plot Regulations.
'I'm afraid you'll have to wait for Lord Eliwood to succeed in our tactician's latest mad quest," he explained sadly. "Yes, I know you want desperately to frolic prettily on Sir Oswin's polka-dotted pillowcases - Excuse me? Oh, you want to reunite with Lord Eliwood! Forgive me - my Draconic is not what it should be. Regardless, you shall have to wait..."
With a sigh, he pulled out a few packs of the Lord of the Rings Trading Card Game and offered them to her. "Would you like to help us pass the time?" he asked, gesturing to Marcus, Merlinus, and Hawkeye, who were currently squabbling over whether or not Merlinus had violated a minor rule in the just-finished game.
"Rrrrrr..."
"Oh, you don't know how to play? That's all right - I'd be happy to teach you. It's certainly better than playing with Karel." Canas gave a shudder as he turned back to the group and began leading the dragon to one of the playmats. "All that remains of my tournament-winning deck is a lovely pile of confetti...")
--
"So why are we here?" Lyn asked as she cleaned the blood of the shrine guardians off the Mani Katti. Eliwood, after plunging into yet another bizarre and senseless battle, had retreated within himself to the only form of escape Cori permitted him: wallowing in his sorrow over the (temporary) loss of his lady love. Hector was chewing on his axe and gabbling something about wanting ten cheeseb... cheesebiscuits, that's right. Yep, yep, cheesebiscuits.
"We are here to obtain the mighty Sword of Seals, wielded by the REAL greatest of the Generals!" their tactician proclaimed, striking a pose. "Not like that horrible abomination wielded by that shitheel dragonfucker Roland. Not that there's anything wrong with fucking dragons, if you truly love each other. But it has to be a dragon of THE OPPOSITE SEX!!!"
Lyn looked around the shrine and sighed. She loved her grandfather - truly, she did - and she could scarcely imagine life without all those she had befriended, yet... sometimes, she regretted ever leaving the plains. "What must Eliwood do?" she asked in a dull monotone; if Cori had told her that he had to run around the perimeter of the shrine seven times naked, alternately clucking like a chicken and whinnying like a horse the entire time, she wouldn't even care.
"Oh, he just needs to step right over there, the Plot has taken care of the rest," the tactician said, airily waving her hand. "As for you, Lyn - have you meditated enough on your deep and soulful love for Rath today?"
Lyn sighed and proceeded to twiddle her thumbs in the corner, fantasizing extensively on her grand Sacaen wedding to Flori... er, Rath... while Eliwood stiffly marched over to the designated square and undergo an elaborate blessing ceremony with the spirit of the great Wiccan Hartmut officiating. At one point, he was required to strip down and dance about in a giant (MANLY) phoenix costume, but Lyn had really stopped paying attention by that point.
"Yes! Yes! You see," the Tactician pontificated, "fire and ice makes for an absolutely perfect couple, and -"
"But I'm Anima affinity!" Eliwood cried as he landed from his fifth triple-twirl in the air.
"You're Fire affinity NOW!"
Meanwhile, the spirit of Hartmut surreptitiously removed a bottle of ghostly liquor from his cloak and started knocking it back with practiced skill. Lyn looked at him just long enough to make eye contact and give him a sympathetic, pitying smile, then turned back to the wall and closed her eyes.
Perhaps all of this had been one long, strange dream brought on by tainted meat, and she would wake to find that she was back in the Lorca camp again, her mother already sprinting off to tell her father that she had woken, and all would be well with the world.
The dream seemed the likeliest explanation at this point.
"Let's see..." Eliwood said, strolling around the camp of the Ignored Characters. "Purple-haired druid... pony-tailed merchant... blond, tanned berserker... green-scaled dragon... psychotic swordmaster... non-psychotic swordmaster... archer from Lyn's Mode... goateed Jeigan - er, Sir Marcus... ambiguously gay thief... bald fellow... purple-haired warrior... Let's see, am I missing anyone?"
The tactician loudly coughed. "Would you please go back over that list, O wielder of the Sword of Seals?"
Eliwood peered closely at the group. "Ah - should I have mentioned the bald fellow was a general?"
The tactician smacked herself in the face. Meanwhile, the purple-haired druid graciously conceded defeat as the green-scaled dragon summoned Exodia the Forbidden One for the fifth game in a row.
"Well, I'll be damned," the ambiguously gay thief mused, shaking his head as he stared at the playmat. "Even my sleight of hand couldn't have accomplished that."
"It won fairly," the druid said, gathering up his cards and stuffing them into a pocket of his cloak. "It has an uncanny knack for guessing exactly when the cards it requires will appear, I must admit... Prescience? Oh, there is so much to learn about dragons. Now, would you care to try the best five out of nine LOTR TCG rounds, honored dragon? I recall you were slightly less adept at that."
The dragon growled and nodded its enormous head, and the druid began laying out the cards.
"Eliwood..." the tactician snarled.
"Excuse me," Eliwood said, smiling genially at her. "I forgot - there are no ambiguously gay people in such an innocent, family-friendly universe. Mass murder, genocide, inter-species relationships, necromancy, mind-control, kidnapping, and attempted filicide and fratricide are all child-safe - but not a specific type of consenting relationship between two adults of sound mind, correct?"
"Yes, but that's not the point," the tactician snapped. "Do you not see ANYTHING out of the ordinary here?"
"Er... the berserker's skin tone is a good deal darker than that of most Fire Emblem char-"
"The DRAGON! THE DRAGON, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
Eliwood blinked and looked at it. After a moment, he shrugged and looked away. "It's still on the Ignored Characters list. Ought I to be concerned? It's about as relevant as Ephidel, now."
The tactician paused and looked at it. "Oh. You're right." She snapped her fingers, and -
"AAAAAUUUUGH! A DRAGON!" Hector yelled, and ran straight into a tree.
"Oh, horrors, a dragon," Lyn droned. "Surely it will eat us all, oh no. I am so terrified and shock-" She nearly unhinged her jaw yawning, then went back to reading her melodramatic romance novel. Now, where was she? Ah, yes... In the current chapter, Ehn was attempting to convince Wyghtt of the rightness of the mission of Tyeim'plahzmuh...
Eliwood took one look at it, then at the Sword of Seals, and then sighed and closed his eyes. "Given our... beloved... tactician's usual commands, I suppose now is when I 'slay' the dragon with my massive, recently-acquired phallic symbol in prose as purple and pseudo-erotic as possible?"
The dragon perked up and attempted to arrange itself in a seductive, reclining pose against a nearby tree. It only succeeded in knocking over the tree.
"This is all METAPHORICALLY speaking, you understand?"
Looking very disappointed, the dragon sat back on its haunches and awaited its METAPHORICAL deflowering.
"Father Sky and Mother Earth," Lyn whispered, clasping her hands together and squeezing her eyes shut, "please don't let this scene METAPHORICALLY go on for over four hours... please?"
"It's not what I've done - thank all that's foul and unholy - it's what you've done, Eliwood," Nergal snapped, jabbing a finger into Eliwood's chest. "You do realize you'll have to marry her, now?"
"What?" Eliwood said in bewilderment, but Nils was angrily nodding along.
"That's right. You pierced my sister with your sword, and now you have to take responsibility for your actions."
As Eliwood only repeated "What?" and Nergal and Nils continued to press him, Athos turned to the tactician in confusion. "Shouldn't she be dead at this point in the script?" he murmured.
"If we'd gone with your stupid plan," Tactician Cori said smugly. "But instead, we used the Sword of Seals, and now Ninian's only going to be conked out for a while."
"I... Fine. And why does Nergal continue to insist upon a crossbow marriage between the two? I did not think he had any concern for Ninian's welfare - quite the contrary."
"Hah! That shows what you know, you intolerant graybeard!" the tactician sneered. "I played through Chapter 19x, Pt. 2! I KNOW these things!"
Athos shook his head and turned away from the chaos before him, closing his eyes. Why him? What had he ever done to deserve such madness?
"Hurry up already, you fool. If I stay in this scene much longer, I'll be forced through one of the obligatory wangst-fits - and they give me a headache."
"Please, Lord Eliwood," Nils said in a world-weary voice. "If you don't proclaim your undying love for Ninian on the spot and get spontaneously married by decree of Serra and Lucius, I'll have to go into a fit of jealousy and repression and inwardly angst over my feelings for... Who was it, again? Ah, yes, Kishuna. Please, spare us from that fate."
...For that matter, what had they ever done to deserve such madness?
"Durandal, the sword of sacred fire," Lyn mused. "...It's strange, isn't it? I've never seen it before, and yet it feels so familiar..."
"I will use this to battle Nergal," proclaimed Eliwood. "Come! To the Dragon's G-"
"HOLD EVERYTHING!"
The tactician came dashing into the cave, furiously waving a sheaf of papers. "Throw that heated penknife onto the ground and make haste for the Shrine of Seals! That is not the blade that will determine your destiny!"
"I... ah... what?" Eliwood asked, blinking. "But... after we came all this-"
"I just got my hands on a copy of Fuuin no Tsugiri's script, and the old man has clearly gone senile!" the tactician snapped, gesturing again with the sheaf of papers.
"What's a 'script'?" Lyn asked Hector under her breath.
"Glaaarbldrk ME EAT PUPPIES," Hector grunted, whacking himself in the head with his Devil Axe. But then, people weren't known for their intelligence when permanently under the influence of a Berserk Staff.
"Shut up, you raving shitheel Hector! Anyway, WE MAKE HASTE! ONWARDS, to the Shrine of Seals!"
Eliwood and Lyn gave each other despairing glances, then followed their tactician's command. They were, after all, trapped between a sheer drop and a ravenous predator - it was Cori's psychosis or Nergal's death-lust.
Though, by now... to tell the truth, if the fate of the world did not hang in the balance, they would give serious thought to throwing aside their weapons and seeking out Nergal's nearest fortress...
(Meanwhile, Canas, chief of the Ignored Characters, informed the local Ice Dragon that its travels would be held up for a month due to Plot Regulations.
'I'm afraid you'll have to wait for Lord Eliwood to succeed in our tactician's latest mad quest," he explained sadly. "Yes, I know you want desperately to frolic prettily on Sir Oswin's polka-dotted pillowcases - Excuse me? Oh, you want to reunite with Lord Eliwood! Forgive me - my Draconic is not what it should be. Regardless, you shall have to wait..."
With a sigh, he pulled out a few packs of the Lord of the Rings Trading Card Game and offered them to her. "Would you like to help us pass the time?" he asked, gesturing to Marcus, Merlinus, and Hawkeye, who were currently squabbling over whether or not Merlinus had violated a minor rule in the just-finished game.
"Rrrrrr..."
"Oh, you don't know how to play? That's all right - I'd be happy to teach you. It's certainly better than playing with Karel." Canas gave a shudder as he turned back to the group and began leading the dragon to one of the playmats. "All that remains of my tournament-winning deck is a lovely pile of confetti...")
--
"So why are we here?" Lyn asked as she cleaned the blood of the shrine guardians off the Mani Katti. Eliwood, after plunging into yet another bizarre and senseless battle, had retreated within himself to the only form of escape Cori permitted him: wallowing in his sorrow over the (temporary) loss of his lady love. Hector was chewing on his axe and gabbling something about wanting ten cheeseb... cheesebiscuits, that's right. Yep, yep, cheesebiscuits.
"We are here to obtain the mighty Sword of Seals, wielded by the REAL greatest of the Generals!" their tactician proclaimed, striking a pose. "Not like that horrible abomination wielded by that shitheel dragonfucker Roland. Not that there's anything wrong with fucking dragons, if you truly love each other. But it has to be a dragon of THE OPPOSITE SEX!!!"
Lyn looked around the shrine and sighed. She loved her grandfather - truly, she did - and she could scarcely imagine life without all those she had befriended, yet... sometimes, she regretted ever leaving the plains. "What must Eliwood do?" she asked in a dull monotone; if Cori had told her that he had to run around the perimeter of the shrine seven times naked, alternately clucking like a chicken and whinnying like a horse the entire time, she wouldn't even care.
"Oh, he just needs to step right over there, the Plot has taken care of the rest," the tactician said, airily waving her hand. "As for you, Lyn - have you meditated enough on your deep and soulful love for Rath today?"
Lyn sighed and proceeded to twiddle her thumbs in the corner, fantasizing extensively on her grand Sacaen wedding to Flori... er, Rath... while Eliwood stiffly marched over to the designated square and undergo an elaborate blessing ceremony with the spirit of the great Wiccan Hartmut officiating. At one point, he was required to strip down and dance about in a giant (MANLY) phoenix costume, but Lyn had really stopped paying attention by that point.
"Yes! Yes! You see," the Tactician pontificated, "fire and ice makes for an absolutely perfect couple, and -"
"But I'm Anima affinity!" Eliwood cried as he landed from his fifth triple-twirl in the air.
"You're Fire affinity NOW!"
Meanwhile, the spirit of Hartmut surreptitiously removed a bottle of ghostly liquor from his cloak and started knocking it back with practiced skill. Lyn looked at him just long enough to make eye contact and give him a sympathetic, pitying smile, then turned back to the wall and closed her eyes.
Perhaps all of this had been one long, strange dream brought on by tainted meat, and she would wake to find that she was back in the Lorca camp again, her mother already sprinting off to tell her father that she had woken, and all would be well with the world.
The dream seemed the likeliest explanation at this point.
"Let's see..." Eliwood said, strolling around the camp of the Ignored Characters. "Purple-haired druid... pony-tailed merchant... blond, tanned berserker... green-scaled dragon... psychotic swordmaster... non-psychotic swordmaster... archer from Lyn's Mode... goateed Jeigan - er, Sir Marcus... ambiguously gay thief... bald fellow... purple-haired warrior... Let's see, am I missing anyone?"
The tactician loudly coughed. "Would you please go back over that list, O wielder of the Sword of Seals?"
Eliwood peered closely at the group. "Ah - should I have mentioned the bald fellow was a general?"
The tactician smacked herself in the face. Meanwhile, the purple-haired druid graciously conceded defeat as the green-scaled dragon summoned Exodia the Forbidden One for the fifth game in a row.
"Well, I'll be damned," the ambiguously gay thief mused, shaking his head as he stared at the playmat. "Even my sleight of hand couldn't have accomplished that."
"It won fairly," the druid said, gathering up his cards and stuffing them into a pocket of his cloak. "It has an uncanny knack for guessing exactly when the cards it requires will appear, I must admit... Prescience? Oh, there is so much to learn about dragons. Now, would you care to try the best five out of nine LOTR TCG rounds, honored dragon? I recall you were slightly less adept at that."
The dragon growled and nodded its enormous head, and the druid began laying out the cards.
"Eliwood..." the tactician snarled.
"Excuse me," Eliwood said, smiling genially at her. "I forgot - there are no ambiguously gay people in such an innocent, family-friendly universe. Mass murder, genocide, inter-species relationships, necromancy, mind-control, kidnapping, and attempted filicide and fratricide are all child-safe - but not a specific type of consenting relationship between two adults of sound mind, correct?"
"Yes, but that's not the point," the tactician snapped. "Do you not see ANYTHING out of the ordinary here?"
"Er... the berserker's skin tone is a good deal darker than that of most Fire Emblem char-"
"The DRAGON! THE DRAGON, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
Eliwood blinked and looked at it. After a moment, he shrugged and looked away. "It's still on the Ignored Characters list. Ought I to be concerned? It's about as relevant as Ephidel, now."
The tactician paused and looked at it. "Oh. You're right." She snapped her fingers, and -
"AAAAAUUUUGH! A DRAGON!" Hector yelled, and ran straight into a tree.
"Oh, horrors, a dragon," Lyn droned. "Surely it will eat us all, oh no. I am so terrified and shock-" She nearly unhinged her jaw yawning, then went back to reading her melodramatic romance novel. Now, where was she? Ah, yes... In the current chapter, Ehn was attempting to convince Wyghtt of the rightness of the mission of Tyeim'plahzmuh...
Eliwood took one look at it, then at the Sword of Seals, and then sighed and closed his eyes. "Given our... beloved... tactician's usual commands, I suppose now is when I 'slay' the dragon with my massive, recently-acquired phallic symbol in prose as purple and pseudo-erotic as possible?"
The dragon perked up and attempted to arrange itself in a seductive, reclining pose against a nearby tree. It only succeeded in knocking over the tree.
"This is all METAPHORICALLY speaking, you understand?"
Looking very disappointed, the dragon sat back on its haunches and awaited its METAPHORICAL deflowering.
"Father Sky and Mother Earth," Lyn whispered, clasping her hands together and squeezing her eyes shut, "please don't let this scene METAPHORICALLY go on for over four hours... please?"
"It's not what I've done - thank all that's foul and unholy - it's what you've done, Eliwood," Nergal snapped, jabbing a finger into Eliwood's chest. "You do realize you'll have to marry her, now?"
"What?" Eliwood said in bewilderment, but Nils was angrily nodding along.
"That's right. You pierced my sister with your sword, and now you have to take responsibility for your actions."
As Eliwood only repeated "What?" and Nergal and Nils continued to press him, Athos turned to the tactician in confusion. "Shouldn't she be dead at this point in the script?" he murmured.
"If we'd gone with your stupid plan," Tactician Cori said smugly. "But instead, we used the Sword of Seals, and now Ninian's only going to be conked out for a while."
"I... Fine. And why does Nergal continue to insist upon a crossbow marriage between the two? I did not think he had any concern for Ninian's welfare - quite the contrary."
"Hah! That shows what you know, you intolerant graybeard!" the tactician sneered. "I played through Chapter 19x, Pt. 2! I KNOW these things!"
Athos shook his head and turned away from the chaos before him, closing his eyes. Why him? What had he ever done to deserve such madness?
"Hurry up already, you fool. If I stay in this scene much longer, I'll be forced through one of the obligatory wangst-fits - and they give me a headache."
"Please, Lord Eliwood," Nils said in a world-weary voice. "If you don't proclaim your undying love for Ninian on the spot and get spontaneously married by decree of Serra and Lucius, I'll have to go into a fit of jealousy and repression and inwardly angst over my feelings for... Who was it, again? Ah, yes, Kishuna. Please, spare us from that fate."
...For that matter, what had they ever done to deserve such madness?
~FIN~
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