guardians_song | So, since my Dreamwidth f-list is pretty small right now...

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So, since my Dreamwidth f-list is pretty small right now...

Let's contemplate what would happened if infamous badficcer Cori Falls had been a Fire Emblem fan rather than a Pokemon fan.

FE6:
-Roy is a big evil meanie-pants who picks on Zephiel, who just wasn't loved enough as a child.
-Zephiel/Brunya, I suppose?
-A Jahn fangirl would have joined up with Cori and written her self-insert OC into a pairing with Jahn, who has mysteriously grown emotions. ~~Well, he obviously has emotions, but "non-self-righteous ***hole" emotions, I mean.~~
-Desmond would be resurrected at least once to be put through an incredibly humiliating and undignified second death ~~and everyone would remember this as The One Thing Cori Did Right~~.
-The Bern army would be a loving and benevolent place not at all focused on world conquest.
-At least one War Dragon of abnormal intelligence would be converted into a wise-cracking loudmouth obsessed with Zephiel and Brunya's sex life.
-The entire issue with Idoun would be completely whitewashed. That, or we'd find out she enjoyed being brainwashed. Or something.

Any other suggestions, Sarajayechan?I'll post FE7 and FE8 speculations later. :P

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Ooh, good point. And he'd probably end up with either a wimpified Vanessa or a Mary Sue.

OH GOD YES. And she'd have Aenir with a human form to gloss over the human/dragon babymaking, but she'd still be an Obvious Dragon and all the angst and drama and weeping and her being bullied.

YES and Elimine would be one of the Libbies who picked on Aenir, too

Edited 2012-09-19 00:26 (UTC)

Mary-Sue, I think you mean. Cori hates Teh Slash, remember?

To be fair, all the full-blooded dragons in FE6 have pointed ears in human form (which, in retrospect, would have been the first hint to players of FE6 that Ninian and Nils weren't full dragons), so Cori WOULD have some grounds for the Obvious Dragon status. And really, Nils and Ninian only get away with their looks as it is because almost nobody alive in the present (Athos and Hawkeye being obvious exceptions) knows what a dragon looks like in human form.

(And Aenir had better have a human form to gloss over said babymaking. XP A Nergal-in-Arcadia fic I was writing got VERY awkward when an Ice Dragon [who wasn't aware of the relation] treated the whole subject like Aenir was that guy on Fandom Wank who married his horse. It got even more awkward when I couldn't completely counter it...

...You know, it's funny how interspecies romances always get waved off if the non-human one can take human form. Nobody ever points out that, from the perspective to the non-human species, said person looks an awful lot like a really hardcore fursuiter... XP)

YEP! And you just know all dragons would be into Wicca, so it would be ~religious~ persecution too.

Let's see, the Divinely OOC Generals would be:

Roland, Embodiment of Evil With An EEEEEEVIL Sword
Athos, Cruel Meanie Who Never Cared About Nergal's FEEEELINGS
St. Elimine, Bigoted Wench With No Appreciation Of Wicca
Barigan, Raging Pervert (old joke from the GameFAQs board, if I remember correctly - he founded a country filled with hot girls whose jobs require them to wear miniskirts)
Brammimond, The Magic Parrot (again, old joke...)
Durbans, Clearly An Ancestor Of Ash Ketchum (he lives for battle... think about it [through Cori-vision]...)
Hanon, Unfortunate Native American Stereotype ~~she would totally miss that the Sacaeans bear a certain resemblance to the Mongols...~~
Harmut, A Good Guy Wrongly Influenced By His Evil Friends (since, after all, he spared Idoun)

...Come to think of it, if she got her hands on a copy of the FE6 script before she finished 'redoing' FE7, she'd probably contrive some canon-breaking sidequest wherein Eliwood trades in Durandal for the Sword of Seals, since Cori was nothing if not fond of stuffing ALL THE TOYS!!11! in her pet characters' hands. (And since the Sword of Seals doesn't kill Idoun, she'd deem it automatically better than that wretched Durandal that temporarily slaughtered her FE7 main pairing.)

...She'd ship Roy/Idoun, wouldn't she? And fob Lilina off on Gonzales. Eek...

That's why I edited, lol.

Aah. See I never noticed the pointed ears, only the pale hair and skin and red eyes.

(Ohhh dear. Yeah, I like to imagine she did. Because how would sex even WORK? Even without the interpecies angle she's still way bigger than him...)

Roland, Embodiment of Evil With An EEEEEEVIL Sword
Athos, Cruel Meanie Who Never Cared About Nergal's FEEEELINGS
St. Elimine, Bigoted Wench With No Appreciation Of Wicca
Barigan, Raging Pervert (old joke from the GameFAQs board, if I remember correctly - he founded a country filled with hot girls whose jobs require them to wear miniskirts)
Brammimond, The Magic Parrot (again, old joke...)
Durbans, Clearly An Ancestor Of Ash Ketchum (he lives for battle... think about it [through Cori-vision]...)
Hanon, Unfortunate Native American Stereotype she would totally miss that the Sacaeans bear a certain resemblance to the Mongols...
Harmut, A Good Guy Wrongly Influenced By His Evil Friends (since, after all, he spared Idoun)

Roland, Athos and Elimine would be the Unholy Trio Of Evil who everyone ends up rooting for when they read Cori's fics. XD And YES, Durban would be another Ash Ketchum clone. Who didn't know how to speak proper sentences. "ME FIGHT! ME KILL YOU! AAAAAUUUUUGH!" And Hartmut would totally be her favorite.

...Come to think of it, if she got her hands on a copy of the FE6 script before she finished 'redoing' FE7, she'd probably contrive some canon-breaking sidequest wherein Eliwood trades in Durandal for the Sword of Seals, since Cori was nothing if not fond of stuffing ALL THE TOYS!!11! in her pet characters' hands. (And since the Sword of Seals doesn't kill Idoun, she'd deem it automatically better than that wretched Durandal that temporarily slaughtered her FE7 main pairing.)

I can see that. She's fond of bending the rules to better suit her pets, after all.

...She'd ship Roy/Idoun, wouldn't she? And fob Lilina off on Gonzales. Eek...

Actually, I feel like she'd ship a reformed Jahn with Idoun and Roy/Lilina, because he OMG RESCUES HER!!! and she cries in his arms when he tells her about her father. ...wait, Cori hates Hector. So Hector probably treated Lilina like dirt for not having a penis.

Yes, they would. 'Yes, Cori!Aenir IS a sanctimonious *Bleep*! Go Elimine!' (And Cori!Durban would become memetic...)

Poor Hartmut... he would lose his personality entirely...

I can see that. She's fond of bending the rules to better suit her pets, after all.
~~We'd be lucky if she didn't make Ninian sovereign of Ilia or something.~~

Actually, I feel like she'd ship a reformed Jahn with Idoun and Roy/Lilina, because he OMG RESCUES HER!!! and she cries in his arms when he tells her about her father. ...wait, Cori hates Hector. So Hector probably treated Lilina like dirt for not having a penis.
I disagree about Jahn - even Cori couldn't circumvent the part about the Fire Dragons crushing Idoun's soul. And she did have morals from time to time - considering that Jahn is an uptight *bleep* who dismisses the possibility that humans and dragons could ever live together, I think she'd despise him and make him the Real Villain to absolve Zephiel of all responsibility. And Roy OMG RESCUES!!! Idoun, too.

...Uh, I dunno. Maybe she'd throw Idoun to Nils, if she screwed around so that Nils was still around? Or ship Zephiel/Idoun, since they'd both be ~victims of Jahn~. (And Brunya would drop off the face of the planet.) Or something. Gad, predicting Corishipping gets so complicated with all these potential ships for her to choose from... XD

...ooh, good point. :/ In that case she'd make Jahn act like Jessie's ex Antonio, even MORE abusive than he was in canon. Not only did he break Idoun's spirit, but he'd have hit her and called her names and tried to rape her.

I know, right? So many choices, each as horrible as the last.

Yes, totally. And he was probably ran into Aenir and Nergal back in the day, just so he could be mean to them, too. (To be fair, I expect Jahn probably WAS harshly against Aenir's generosity to humans if he ever heard of it, so that would be actually IC...)

And he ~clearly~ manipulated poor woobie Zephiel, too. What are these Omnicidal Maniac tendencies you speak of? CLEARLY JUST JAHN'S EEEEVIL INFLUENCE!

I know, right? So many choices, each as horrible as the last.
But so gloriously brain-scarring! (I think this conversation may be the first time anyone's thought up Kishuna/Nils...)

True. Jahn isn't exactly a Good Guy, so Cori wouldn't have to twist canon THAT much. Just add onto it.

Wanna bet she also redeems Desmond in FE7 and has him killed by Jahn in order to manipulate Zephiel?

Eh - nah, I wouldn't take that bet. Desmond would be the fatherly equivalent of Antonio, since he canonically emotionally abused Zephiel all his life and finished up with a murder attempt. And considering how some kings have treated children they hated (poor Fritz), she'd be able to plausibly add physical abuse to the canonical emotional abuse.

Nah, she'd have poor woobie Zephiel snap and kill the monster who made his life hell, as canon, but then have his ensuing disillusionment and omnicidal tendencies be solely fueled by Jahn, who ~took advantage of his emotional vulnerability~. And only mean ol' Lilina wouldn't understand that it ~wasn't Zephiel's fault~.

...It's frightening how easy her formula is to generalize, isn't it?

*nod* I was just thinking of Cori's love for Generation Xerox and how her heroes Must Never Kill Anyone, and her love of redeeming abusive parents (not only James's, but she also redeems Joey's dad in her YGO fics). In my mind it could go either way, but it would be interesting to see how Cori handled something outside her usual cookie-cutter patterns.

Yep. She's like Catherine Anderson, only at least Catherine seems like a kind woman and uses her OWN characters for her stories instead of mangling other canons.

I actually wouldn't be surprised if Cori would handle that by having Zephiel not be Desmond's son. Maybe he'd be actually be Murdock's son or something - even if the timeline was wrong. Yeah, I know Cori Falls was fervently for the Sacred Institution of Marriage, but her romance-novel morals could probably allow for 'seeking comfort within an abusive marriage'. We know Desmond and Helene were an arranged marriage, so they never loved each other in the first place, and Cori'd probably make up some mystic nonsense about it 'never being a real marriage'. (Maybe the priest who married them wasn't a reeeeal priest or something. Or maybe he wasn't secretly Wiccan enough!) XP

[And no, Desmond wouldn't get let off for having the same issue on his end. After all, he abused Poor Woobie Zephiel! He must DIE!]

I'll agree it's interesting to think of how she'd handle a situation outside her usual formulas. She'd probably find SOME way to hammer it into place, but it would at least be entertaining to watch her attempts. :P ;)

Oh, that could work. "We were forced to marry, the priest was a real shit-heel and Murdock and I were soul-mates!"

Totally. And for once we'd agree with her and feel dirty. D:

LOL, yep.

This is more fun than it has the right to be.

"And we pined for each other every hour of the day, but he was common-born and I was the Queen! I'd have divorced Desmond in a flash if I could have and fled with Murdock and Zephiel, but the army would have hunted us down for 'betraying the king'! Ha! Zephiel would have made a better "king" than that loathsome scum Desmond by the time he turned TEN!"

Yep. ...Call Desmond a Fire Emblem Jessiebelle, since she's the only person about whom I totally agreed with Cori.

It shouldn't be this fun, but it is... (If we run out of FE stuff, we can always talk about Chrono Trigger. Flea is male, right? Prepare for the wonders of Flea/Lucca...)

Yyyyep. I've hated that fucker since the beginning.

(Oh God, Chrono Trigger. XD I'm a little rusty on that game but she would portray Ayla as a bitchy vamp out to destroy Marle and Crono's TWU WUB. And Marle's dad would be a total jerk about it until Marle cussed him out and he redeemed himself.)

Doesn't everyone? :P

(Eh... wouldn't she be more pro-Lucca/Crono? She does massively favor nerds over Those Mean Children of Privilege. Ayla'd probably be Meowth. *shudder*

'Good, Lucca and Crono! Make strong babies! MANY strong babies!')

Ooh, good point. Shit, first Lilina and now Marle. :( And poor Lucca would be reduced to Little Miss "You Belong With Me" with Marle as the bitchy Libby.

Yep. And Crono would be suddenly talkative and emotional...

...wait. I was about to say that Cori'd rub it in by commenting that 'Marle never let me get a word in edgewise - it was like she thought I was mute!', but nooo, it just occurred to me that Crono isn't her type. No.

Remember that Frog gets transfigured back to human after the ending if he defeats Magus (in the PS1 version) or just in general (in the DS version)? Remember Cyrus used to tell Glenn that he was too kind and gentle as a child? Remember that Frog is, after all, a knight?

Remember exactly how Cori characterizes James?

*BRAIN BLEACH* Oh gad, oh gad, oh gad. She'd ship Lucca/Frog, with Lucca seeing the ~true knight~ beyond his froggy exterior, and Magus would be SO MOVED by their love that transcends the physical that he would turn Frog back the MOMENT he joined the party, and... oogh, Ayla'd be the Meowth, and Robo'd represent all the other Pokemon, and only Crono and Marle would be too ~selfish and shallow~ to truly comprehend the depth of their love...

Bonus if Magus has Lucca's kiss turn Frog back, because it was the kiss of a ~truly noble-hearted girl~ as opposed to a ~mean bitch who just happened to have royal ancestry~. *facepalm*

(And ~~Frog~~ Cori!Glenn would comfort Cori!Lucca about how Crono never appreeeeciated her, and Cori!Lucca would comfort Cori!Glenn in turn about his feelings of guilt over Cyrus's death and ~how could you have ever loved a frog like meeeee~... Gah. Pass the earplugs.)

~~Myself... I ship Glenn/Cyrus even if I don't really want to do so. The subtext... it was just too blatant to ignore...~~

...oh God. I really liked Frog and Cori would ruin him so badly. And poor Lucca. ;_; Crono and Marle would be portrayed as complete dicks, of course.

Of course. :| ~~And Shigeru1313 would bag Magus and woobiefy him as well.~~

This is fun... any other fandoms you can suggest that Cori would mangle? I think it's more fun to speculate about her misinterpretations than those of the typical Suethor because Cori-world worked off its own crazy internal logic across all dimensions, even if it had nothing to do with the real world. And she had Shigeru1313 adding an additional dimension to the mix, since their bizarro-worlds were compatible but worked off slightly different systems.

Ah, I know! Were you into Digimon at all? I call that she'd seize Joe and Sora, and Shigeru1313 would carry off Matt with the greatest of haste. Your opinions (or suggestion of a different fandom)?

Yep. D:

I can see her doing My Little Pony Tales. Fanon already paints Teddy as a jerkass woobie, so she'd just have to add on a lot of sappy wangst and either make Sweetheart his ~healing angel~. And Melody and Patch, two kinda jerkass girls she could easily turn into whiny damsels. And of course she'd turn the characters into humans, which in and of itself isn't bad but Cori write ponysex? No way!

I was for a short time. Cori would bash the seven shades of shit out of Tai, no doubt, and Shigeru would either be a Matt/Mimi fan or Matt/Mary Sue fan. And poor Davis would get bashed as badly as Tai for daring to have feelings for Kari.

Cori hated the shonen-protagonist personality in general, I think. If Yugi had been a brash, slightly-dim jock rather than a short, socially-awkward nerd, she'd have hated him as well. (I'm presuming she didn't hate him?)

So... I'm presuming the ships would be manly!Joe/woobie!Sora, artsy!Matt/Mary Sue [whether Mary-Sue is named Mimi or not], T.K./Kari, Ken/Mary-Sue!Yolei, Tai/nobody, and Davis/nobody? :( Oooh man.

And Wizardmon/Gatomon, of course. Except she'd wreck the ship like she wrecked Rocketshipping. *sigh*

Cori was pretty kind to Yugi overall. Never paid him a ton of attention like she did others, but she treated him with a great deal of respect.

Yep. Which makes me sad because I think I shipped Joe/Sora a little at one point. :( Poor Tai and Davis.

Oh, and Cyborg 009. Joe Shimamura would probably be another exception to her "I hate shounen protagonists" rule, since Joe is angsty and a woobie with a Troubled Past. Jet Link would be her punching bag for that fandom...possibly Great Britan, too, unless she took pity on him due to his own tragic angst. Oh, and Albert Heinrich. She'd have his dead fiancee survive. D:

Ah, that's what I suspected. Was her Yu-Gi-Oh fic better in general? Seems like the canon would have gotten along better with her disposition.

(Yes, poor Davis... the fandom picks on him enough as it is. :( )

Can't speak to Cyborg 009, but you're probably right.

Well, better in the sense that she stuck to her own little world from the outset rather than being decent at first and then devolving into epic fail. And she did grant two of her punching bags redemption. Otherwise it still sucked.

One time I also wrote up this huge post on how she'd muck up ATLA.

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So, since my Dreamwidth f-list is pretty small right now...

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