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guardians_song) wrote2014-03-04 01:16 am
Now Sporking: Family Matters, Part 3/[???]
Yep.
"We did get over a month off," his magenta-haired companion points out, dusting herself off as she rises from the floor.
"Too bad! Look at th' Little Miss Mary sporkers! Now there's a spork that ain't EVER goin' t' be finished!"
Are you seriously comparing Cori Falls, even at her worst, to Little Miss Mary?
He pauses, biting his lip, and then shakes his head. "Aw no. No, no, no, no, no." He raises his hands in a defensive gesture. "You ain't gonna make me spork ANYTHIN' resemblin' THAT fic."
Good. Now that we're clear...
ONE FOR THE MONEY!
TWO FOR THE SHOW!
THREE TO GET READY!
AND HERE! WE! GO!
@->->-
After discussing our plans for the next Salon Roquet a little more, I noticed how late it was and that I was famished.
Tom: It's like th' Pokemon Fan Club, only with French Toast rather than some creepy old brony tellin' y' about his special relationship with his Rapidash.
Jerry: Instead, it's about two creepy adolescent pod people telling us about their special relationship with their Meowth and Wobbuffet.
Tom: Y' AIN'T HELPIN'!
We hadn't eaten since breakfast, and I was sure Jessie was even hungrier than I was.
Jessie nodded. "Yeah. I'm starving!"
"What would you like?" I asked. "I'll make anything you want."
Jessie closed her eyes and thought about it for a moment. "Anything with apples is fine by me," came her reply. "I've had a craving for apples lately, too."
Jerry: I can only be thankful that this was pre-Twilight, so I can be certain that wasn't a homage.
When she said this, I thought back to something that had happened about a week ago. It had been the day before pay day, and we were all out of money and groceries. After being blasted off by the twerps in another failed attempt to catch Pikachu, we were all tired and hungry, but the only food to be found was a single apple growing on a nearby tree. The three of us had gotten into a fight over the apple, and after beating us up, Jessie suggested that we share it. She'd then proceeded to eat all of the fruit and share the core with me and Meowth.
Guardian's Song; Ah, the sweet sight of canon. And I know it's canon because Jessie isn't a sparkly saint.
I remember, I'd been so angry with her for being so greedy and letting us go hungry that I hadn't spoken to her for the rest of the night.
Tom: (Jessie) YOU chose not to speak to ME? Ha! You speak only when I permit you to, slave!
(James) Yes, Mistress.
(Jessie) DID I SAY YOU WERE PERMITTED TO SPEAK?
(James) No, Mist- ohdoubleslap...
Now that I knew she was eating for two, however, I felt guilty for being mad at her.
When we got to the kitchen, we found Meowth sitting at the table. A look of mild annoyance was on his face.
"Uh, hi, Meowth," I said.
"Youse two work things out?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Dat's nice. Woulda been nicer if you'd let ME know!" he said sarcastically. "I was sittin' outside all day, waitin' for youse guys ta finish discussin' yer private matters! If I wasn't so damn hungry, I'd probably still be sittin' out dere!"
Jerry: What, is he an NPC? Does he only have permission to move when the main characters enter the room?
"Should we tell him?" I whispered. "He has a right to know."
"Yeah. But let's wait and tell him over dinner," she whispered back.
"Okay."
"Hey. What's goin' on?" he asked.
"We'll tell you in a minute, Meowth," I replied. "Right now I need to get dinner ready."
He nodded. "Good."
Since we were all hungry and wanted to eat as soon as possible, I kept dinner simple and just made some baked chicken and a fruit salad (with lots of apples).
Jerry: Does Miss Falls have some sort of compulsive food-description condition?
Tom: I swear an entire parade could go chargin' by in front of her and, when asked t' describe th' scene, she'd just mention that th' kids across th' street were havin' some really delicious churros.
Once we'd all helped ourselves, Meowth put his question to us again.
Jessie blushed and turned away from him.
"Come on!" he prompted when he saw her response. "Me-owth is sick a bein' outta the loop on everything!"
I smiled at Jessie and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. Then, I turned to face the cat again. "Meowth...Jessie and I...are going to have a baby."
Meowth's eyes widened, and he began to choke on the apple wedge he'd been eating. "A b-b-b-baby?!" he stammered once he was able to stop coughing.
Tom: (Jessie) No! We're going to have a Nuzlocke!
Jerry: (James) No! We're going to have a plot!
Tom: (Jessie) Good heavens, James, that's going much too far! A PLOT? But what would happen to us next? Nuanced characterization? An elimination of double standards?
Jerry: (Meowth) A sudden deficit of French toast?
Tom: (Jessie) We couldn't go on like that, James! Oh, my goodness! Abort it! ABORT IT!
Jessie blushed again and nodded.
I smirked. "Well, you see, Meowth, when a guy and a girl really love each other...."
"DAT AIN'T FUNNY!!!" he screamed.
Jerry: *morosely* It isn't! Not when we had to suffer through all those sex scenes...
"Jeezus Christ on a motorcycle!
Tom: Who's Jeezus? Is that like that 'Lord Helix' meme that's goin' around?
Jerry: *scratches head* I don't know either. Wait, wasn't some famous Pidgeot nicknamed something like that?
(Note: Dear Miss Falls- THE POKEMON WORLD IS NOT NECESSARILY CHRISTIAN! There's a REASON other fanficcers invoke Mew and Arceus!)
What the hell is wrong with youse two?!" he shouted.
"How could ya?" Meowth asked, giving me an angry look. "How could ya knock her up like dat, James?!"
Tom: (James) You insert your throbbing manhood into a girl's flower of love, and then she tenderly caresses your buttocks...
"Yeah, yer damn right, ya didn't plan!" he said. "I know youse guys've been havin' sex, but ain't ya been usin' protection?!"
"Of course we've been using protection, Meowth!" Jessie shouted.
"Yeah! Do you think we're stupid?!" I chimed in. "Wait a minute. Don't answer that."
Guardian's Song: HEY! No fair asking the READERS questions! D:<
"I've been on the pill," Jessie told him. "But birth control doesn't always work, Meowth."
Jerry: (Jessie) Even abstinence can't protect you from plot convenience!
Guardian's Song: Just ask the Virgin Mary!
Jerry: Who?
Guardian's Song: Never mind.
"Nature just decided to give us a little surprise," I said, wrapping my arms around Jessie and placing my hands on her stomach.
"Well, whaddaya gonna do now?" Meowth asked. "Ya got a lotta choices. None of 'em easy."
"We're going to keep it, of course!" Jessie replied.
Tom: (Jessie) Abort OUR precious hellspawn? Never.
She looked up at me, her blue eyes filling with tears. "I'd never get rid of our baby! And I don't want to put her up for adoption either." She then looked back at Meowth and scowled. "James and I are going to have this baby, and we're going to raise her as best we can!
Tom: ABORT TH' KID, IT'S INHUMANE T' DO OTHERWISE!
Jerry: I wouldn't go that far.
Tom: Considerin' that we're talkin' about th' Cori versions here?
Jerry: I recommend immediate abortion and subsequent sterilization of both parties. And the Meowth.
Shame on you for thinking we'd even consider doing otherwise!"
Meowth closed his eyes and sighed. "I wasn't tellin' ya ta get rid of it, and I'm glad ya wanna take responsibility and keep it. I'm just tryin' ta be realistic, dat's all. Let's face it -- babies are a lotta money! How are youse guys gonna provide for it when we can barely keep ourselves fed?!
Jerry: (James) Perhaps we could stop blowing all our life savings on chasing after a kid and his Pikachu?
(Jessie) Don't be absurd, James! Soon you'll be preaching financial responsbility, and THEN what chance will we ever have of being elected President?!
And what about dose twerps?! Ya think dey'd go easy on Jess, even if dey knew she was pregnant?! Dey probably wouldn't even care!" His voice cracked, and I could tell he was doing his best to keep from crying.
Guardian's Song: *groan* Miss Falls, did you really just imply that Ash and friends are heartless baby-killers?
Good gad, woman, do you have NO sense of subtlety?
He looked up at me. "Y-ya do?"
Jessie nodded. "If we can get a loan from the boss, we're going to try our hand at reopening Salon Roquet. James says it'll be a lot safer, and we'll be earning a lot more money."
"Hmmm. Dat just might work," he said after considering it for a moment. "I wonder why we didn't think of it sooner."
"Well, actually, I have," I told him. "Been thinking about it ever since the last Salon Roquet. It's just that we haven't earned enough money to get it off the ground yet.
Tom: (James) Which has nothing to do on blowing all our time, effort, and money on a certain Pikachu, of course.
Asking the boss for a loan is kind of our last resort."
"Great minds think alike," I said, kissing her on the cheek.
Meowth smiled at us.
"So, are you okay with this now?" I asked.
Jerry: (Meowth) Of course. I am part of the Rocket Borg. Resistance is futile. Your buttocks shall be caressed.
Tears welled up in his midnight-blue eyes,
Guardian's Song: Even the MEOWTH gets purple prose?!
and he launched himself at the two of us. "Meowth! I can't believe it!" he cried, throwing his arms around Jessie and nuzzling into her stomach. "I'm gonna be a uncle!"
But Meowth didn't listen to her. He just hugged her more tightly and began to purr.
Jessie continued to protest, but after listening to Meowth purr for a moment, her frown faded, and she began to laugh. Then, she hugged Meowth back.
"Youse two are gonna have such a cute little baby," he said.
Jerry: (Meowth) After all, since you're both Sues, you have to have a Sue spawn.
"Thanks, Meowth," Jessie whispered.
"I'm sorry I yelled at youse guys. I was just worried. Dat's all," he continued.
"It's okay," I replied as I folded him and Jessie into an embrace.
"Yeah. We don't blame you for being concerned," said Jessie.
Meowth smiled again.
And that's how the three of us spent the rest of the evening -- in a big group
Jerry: NO.
Tom: I didn't even say anythin'!
Jerry: DON'T.
Tom: You've got no sense of humor.
hug. The warmth of Jessie's embrace and the sound of Meowth's purring comforted me and reminded me that no matter how bad things got, we were still a family. Being a family was what always saw us through the bad times,
Jerry: Glargh. MORE sappy Aesops?
Tom: Funny, I thought it was th' author weepin' over how abused they were.
Jerry: Especially since they have some sort of fight in EVERY SINGLE FIC.
and now our family was going to have a new member. Things were definitely starting to look up.
Guardian's Song: That phrase is definitely getting repetitive.
@->->-
Tina Belcher, of course, approves of all the butt-touching references
And repeat the same lines of dialogue each time like in all Pokemon games.
Jerry: Does Miss Falls have some sort of compulsive food-description condition?
Tom: I swear an entire parade could go chargin' by in front of her and, when asked t' describe th' scene, she'd just mention that th' kids across th' street were havin' some really delicious churros.
Not just delicious churros, sweet and warm and flaky churros with just the right touch of cinnamon spice and perfectly sweetened iced tea to go with them!
I wonder how Cori would feel about Nuzlockes...I don't think she ever played the games, but I still wonder.
Jerry: *morosely* It isn't! Not when we had to suffer through all those sex scenes...
Yep. Four-hour boring sex scenes with lots of butt-touching led to this baby.
LOL, Twitch Plays Pokemon references. XD
Tom: (James) You insert your throbbing manhood into a girl's flower of love, and then she tenderly caresses your buttocks...
*SPORFLE* Speak of the devil...
"Well, whaddaya gonna do now?" Meowth asked. "Ya got a lotta choices. None of 'em easy."
"We're going to keep it, of course!" Jessie replied.
Tom: (Jessie) Abort OUR precious hellspawn? Never.
Jessie: Good Girls Avoid Abortion! Always!
Jerry: (James) Perhaps we could stop blowing all our life savings on chasing after a kid and his Pikachu?
*Jessie* Gasp! James, did you just use EARTH LOGIC?! Quick, say something flowery before Cori overhears and has you sent back to the brainwashing room!
Guardian's Song: *groan* Miss Falls, did you really just imply that Ash and friends are heartless baby-killers?
Pretty much. And dear God, even the MEOWTH is wibbling melodramatically in this half-assed pregnancy plot!
Jerry: (Meowth) Of course. I am part of the Rocket Borg. Resistance is futile. Your buttocks shall be caressed.
*snicker*
Jerry: Glargh. MORE sappy Aesops?
Tom: Funny, I thought it was th' author weepin' over how abused they were.
Jerry: Especially since they have some sort of fight in EVERY SINGLE FIC.
SERIOUSLY. We keep going back to it but this major disconnect between Cori telling us how pure and true their love and friendship are and the constant fighting and anger and resulting wangst is just. So fucking creepy and amusing.
Re: Tina Belcher, of course, approves of all the butt-touching references
Wait, no, the MAIN characters do that in every fic. How will I tell the difference? ;)
xD
She'd go ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INSANE because character death bothered her like hell.
Of course, she might manage to pull off a no-deaths run, in which case she'd brag about it and have an AU Team Rocket do the exact same thing in a oneshot. While having Ash be a soulless, incompetent bastard that ended up soloing with Pikachu due to getting every single catch killed.
XP
Normally I take the 'avoid abortion if psychologically and medically possible' stance, but this is a case where abortion would be preemptive euthanasia. D: Can you imagine these two unstable clowns raising a CHILD?
XD
In all fairness, Meowth does have some weird parental instincts. See Togepi. So I can imagine him going all tsundere about the kid.
I think he'd do SLIGHTLY more yelling over them being morons, thoguh.
WE KEEP GOING BACK TO IT BECAUSE SHE KEEPS GOING BACK TO IT @_@
Yeah, the whole thing looks like some sort of textbook dysfunctional-relationship mutual-abuse case. They're both highly unstable, easily angered people, they have minimal conflict resolution skills, and nothing is ever their fault. Plus, they DO have genuinely high-stress lifestyles, which doesn't help them being suicide-over-haircuts loons.
I'm all for sappy romance and pure and true friendships, but this sometimes looks like the disastrous deconstruction thereof.
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Of course, she might manage to pull off a no-deaths run, in which case she'd brag about it and have an AU Team Rocket do the exact same thing in a oneshot. While having Ash be a soulless, incompetent bastard that ended up soloing with Pikachu due to getting every single catch killed.
I can totally see that. Cori's not above making Ash an abuser so what's him killing a bunch of Pokemon?
Normally I take the 'avoid abortion if psychologically and medically possible' stance, but this is a case where abortion would be preemptive euthanasia. D: Can you imagine these two unstable clowns raising a CHILD?
Unfortunately, yes. D: Poor kid would be hitchhiking to the adoption agencies by the time they learned to walk!
Ah, true, I forgot the Togepi factor. And yeah, especially THESE two. Queen and King moron!
EVERY. SINGLE. FIC. D: Cori often acted like she was deconstructing the anime by making Ash a bastard, but deconstruction goes both ways. By making serious business out of comic relief, she's making Jessie into an abuser, James into an enabler and it's dysfunctional as all get out. If she would just REALIZE THAT instead of pretending it's all sunshine and French Toast, these fics be sliiiightly less infuriating.
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She'd probably put it in GSC and write a plot where Ash!Silver is totally the embodiment of evil until James!Ethan beats the living shit out of him in their Victory Road battle. Then Ash!Silver repents and all is hunky-dory. Also, Red totally isn't Ash, he's like James!Ethan's secret cousin or something.
(Fun fact: in early plans for Gold and Silver, Gold might have been Red's younger brother. She'd totally use that as an excuse.)
xD ...They would. D:
'Mommy's beating Daddy again, and Uncle Meowth says it's his fault for not sleeping with the hottest lady ever!'
'...Kid, for a Suespawn, you've got one fucked-up home environment.'
And it wouldn't even be so bad if she wasn't an utter apologist for Jessie! There'd be genuine room for character development if it wasn't all 'Oh, Jessie's just stressed'. D:
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"Maybe you'd like to live with Brock's family? There's a lot of siblings and only a dad, but they're pretty well-adjusted."
SERIOUSLY. D: Explore Jessie's temper and abusive tendencies! Explore why James stays with her even though she doesn't act that much different from Jessiebelle even if she seems to genuinely care about him underneath all the violence! There was a mindfield of potential for REAL deep Rocketshippy fic, and she passed it up for glurge and wangst.
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""Well, whaddaya gonna do now?" Meowth asked. "Ya got a lotta choices. None of 'em easy.""
...I don't know what it is, but something about this line bugs me. It's not that it's a bad line in itself but... it really just doesn't seem like it belongs in this fic, given that it's a dose of realism otherwise swamped with Mary Sueness.
"(Note: Dear Miss Falls- THE POKEMON WORLD IS NOT NECESSARILY CHRISTIAN! There's a REASON other fanficcers invoke Mew and Arceus!)"
That's true, but this tendency is unfortunately not limited to Cori Falls (hell, the fanfic "Girly Boy" ALSO has Meowth saying "Jesus Christ" at one point, but that story's so much better written I can overlook it).
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...I don't know what it is, but something about this line bugs me. It's not that it's a bad line in itself but... it really just doesn't seem like it belongs in this fic, given that it's a dose of realism otherwise swamped with Mary Sueness.
I think she lifted it straight out of a teen pregnancy pamphlet or afterschool special. Preachy as hell.
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:D
Well, thing is that Cori does pull that. Remember when she had that huge Aesop about the whole Moltres/Magikarp-horoscope thing being crap and how it was what was actually inside James that counted, only for her to do a 180 in the next scene and give James an even-more-badass Articuno horoscope? -_-
It's like... she's a decently intelligent woman when she WANTS to be, but she's so damned determined to idealize Jessie and James out the kazoo that she veers between realism and complete Sueficcery. It's a bit like how Cassie Claire, in the Draco Trilogy, was obviously fighting a war between her inner Harry/Draco shipper and her shipping leatherpants!Draco with her self-insert. Sometimes Suethors can't make up their minds. :P
Well, if the Pokemon world can have America (and Russia and Guyana in the games), it can have Christianity. :P
I really only rag on it because Cori has obnoxious insertions of real-world stuff in several other places, so it begins to pile up. It's a bit like how Twilight makes people allergic to the word "chagrin".
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Good gad, woman, do you have NO sense of subtlety?"
Crap, I can't believe I'm only just realizing this now, but I have the same problem with the "Romeo X Juliet" anime, which I'm assembling a spork of for the Das_Sporking comm, and how it goes out of its way to imply that Montague is totally okay with killing innocent teenagers and little girls, or selling them into sex slavery, just so he can destroy Juliet's family.
Of course, the anime arguably does one worse because it then, for no explicable reason, turns around at the last minute and expects you to sympathize with and forgive Montague.
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(Anonymous) 2014-10-07 12:44 pm (UTC)(link)